Did Liddy notice? Honestly, I didn’t care right at that moment.
* * *
I walked into my dorm room with a strong sense of foreboding. I needed some time to myself. It was raining out, so I didn’t go for my normal walk after therapy. Not good. My brain liked to spend that time processing the thoughts and emotions. Usually, it liked to percolate, and it didn’t like sudden changes. I could be spontaneous, but that was rare. Jess was the spontaneous one. I was the one who tagged along. My rash acts were usually just to do with being lippy. Simply put: I could be an asshead.
Minnie and Karen sat on my bed, talking. That alone sent flashes of anger coursing through my mind and body. Was I shaking?
“How was your day?” asked Karen.
“Just dandy. Yours?” My words were tinged with sarcasm, but she didn’t seem to notice. More than likely, she didn’t care. Karen never seemed to get rattled by me. She was determined to be my friend, and maybe in her book, friends ignored rudeness.
“Okay, nothing to write home about.” Her voice sounded far off.
That meant she didn’t meet any cute boys; hence, she wasn’t any closer to getting a boyfriend. Her new goal was to have one by Christmas because she didn’t want to spend another holiday alone. That made me snigger. She was eighteen. Save the drama, princess.
Minnie was holding my answering machine. Of course, we both used it, but I paid for it—just like I paid for the beanbag I could never sit in, the TV I didn’t have any control over, the food that kept disappearing, the PC and printer that others felt free to use whenever they liked. Once, I had woken up at 3 a.m. to find Karen printing off an assignment. At three in the morning! Imagine waking up to the high-pitched screech of a printer.
“Are you praying that you’ll get a message?” I gestured to the machine.
“Oh, no.” Minnie sounded deadly serious. “We’re trying to think of a funny message. I’m tired of the one on there. It’s so bland.”
“Bland, huh. Aren’t all messages boring when you think of it? Their purpose is straightforward: to tell the caller you can’t answer the phone right now. Not much more to it.” I had recorded the original message. Why isn’t Jess here to help me concoct the perfect message that will leave everyone in stitches? Why can’t she be around?
Oh, that’s right. That was my doing, not hers.
“Have you come up with anything?”
“Nope. Zip, nada, zilch.” Minnie’s face twisted up, as if a thought had hit her like a flash of lightning. “Hey! Can you think of something funny?” she squeaked.
Shaking my head, I said, “I doubt it. I’m the one who put the boring message on.”
Minnie looked to Karen for help. Karen, though, was too enthralled with picking the polish off her fingernails.
Minnie grunted and then eyed me hopefully. “Sure you can. You can be funny sometimes.”
I had to chuckle about that one. Sometimes. What a compliment? Usually, they found me funny when I wasn’t trying to be. The other day, Karen had mentioned that she received the same math mod quiz she had failed a few days earlier. Math mods involved passing six quizzes before you could advance to the next level. There weren’t any classes. Students waited in line to take the tests. If they passed, they could take the next level. If they failed, they had to keep taking it until they passed that level. I didn’t entirely understand the system, as it revolved around luck, not learning. Fortunately, math came easy to me, so I had passed out of the entry-level math classes and would be taking calculus the following semester.
Karen remembered all of the answers to the test and had filled in the correct bubbles. She got one hundred percent. When she had gloated about it, I exclaimed, “But that’s cheating!”
The three of them had burst into hysterics.
“That’s the point, Paige. All of us share our tests so we can cheat. Who wants to learn math?” asked Karen.
I’ve been told I was born an old fuddy-duddy, and maybe I would have preferred a time when honor meant something. I don’t see much honor in the world now.
I held up the answering machine. “Okay, let me think…” I cleared my throat, and started. “Hi! You’ve reached Audrey’s and Paige’s room. We can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, number, and physical description, and we’ll call you back if we like what we hear. Mentioning your sex toys is a plus. Take care, and have an orgasmic day!”
Karen burst into laughter.
The frivolity was cut short by Minnie. “What if my parents or grandparents call, Paige?”
I rubbed my chin, pretending to think of an honest solution. “They don’t have to leave a physical description. You know what they look like, and I’m pretty sure I’m not interested. Boom. Done. However, if they could mention their sex toys, that would be funny.”
Minnie’s face turned a vivid plum color. A vein in her forehead bulged, and I thought I could see it pulsing. Could a person’s head literally explode from anger? Why was she getting so worked up?
“Oh, come on. Your parents have to know you’re having sex. You borrowed my car last week and didn’t come back until the next day. I figured out why: make-up sex.” I crossed my arms and flashed her a bitchy smile.
“Don’t make assumptions about my life. I try not to with yours.”
I don’t think Minnie meant to say the last bit, but I didn’t want to push her on that. My best bet was to keep pushing her, to make her forget about that.
“You don’t expect me to believe that when you spend the night at his place, nothing happens, do you?”
“Nothing does happen. We’re waiting to get married.”
Karen blurted, “Really! Nothing?”
Minnie looked disgusted by both of us. “Yes. I’m Catholic!”
“Oh come on, even the Pope has sex. They have for centuries. Ever hear of the Borgias and all of their kids? Only one way to get kids during that time period.”
She looked aghast, and shattered. “Paige! I will not stand to have you ridicule my beliefs!”
I knew I should have stopped pushing her buttons then. That would have been honorable. Sadly, I’m not honorable.
“I’m not ridiculing your beliefs. I’m stating historical facts. Unless you believe in more than one Immaculate Conception, which I believe you would call blasphemy, your religion and its paragons do not hold up to scrutiny. Now, as to your own personal beliefs and adherence, I have a hard time believing that you and Jeff are not screwing. Or do you not count blow jobs and eating pussy?”
All of the color drained from Minnie’s face. She tried to articulate a response, but nothing came out. Karen casually got off my bed and tiptoed out of the room. I maneuvered closer to Minnie, just in case she toppled over.
I had taken it too far, but I didn’t know how to heal the gaping wound. Surely she had heard these phrases before. She went to public school for Christ’s sake. It was a good thing I didn’t blurt that out, however. Watching her face was like watching a grandmother react to porn—not that I’ve seen that personally, but the faces and sounds Minnie made brought that image to mind.
I picked up the answering machine and deleted my message. She snatched her purse and stormed out of the room. After she had slammed the door, I heard Karen’s footsteps.
“Was it something I said?” I smiled meekly. I felt horrible. I was a wretched person.
Karen tittered, and then stopped abruptly and ran over to the door to peek out the eyehole. “Okay, I think she’s gone.”
“Oh wow, Karen.” I slumped down onto my bed. “What in the hell do I do now? She’s pissed. I mean she’s more than pissed. I was just trying to be funny.” I whistled. “I had no idea what a sensitive subject that was.”
Karen shook her head. She was still laughing and her shoulders heaved up and down as she tried to control herself. “I think this issue has been the cause of some of their recent fights.” Her look admonished me.
Oh shit! That wasn’t good. If Minnie was being pres
sured into having sex and I said all of those things. Well, that folks, is why many people think I’m an asshole.
I leaned against the wall and groaned. “What do I do? I can’t live another nine months with someone who hates me.”
Karen ambled over to me and placed her hand on my shoulder. “You can always sleep on my floor. And let’s be honest, you two weren’t that close to begin with. Even Jenna knows about the boyfriend situation…and she’s like you, reserved and doesn’t like to talk about emotions. You live with her, and you didn’t know it at all.”
“Thanks, buddy. Thanks for hitting me when I’m down.”
“That’s what I’m for. I like to keep it real.” She slapped my arm.
“They really don’t have sex? How long have they been dating?”
“Three years.”
“Oh boy. This is worse than I thought?”
“Yep. You stepped right in a steaming pile of dog shit.”
I chortled. “Who knew you were so elegant, Karen. Screw psychology, consider poetry.”
“Listen, I think you should stop throwing the word screw around.”
I sat up straight on my bed. “Hey, do you know her favorite flower or something? Would it be weird if I gave her flowers to apologize?”
“Dude! Are you serious? She gets flowers all of the time from Jeff. Look around, Paige. Daisies everywhere.”
Sure enough, a gaudy vase on Minnie’s desk was brimming with daisies.
All these weeks, I had thought I was the only one with issues. Did I mention that I’m a twit?
“Okay, flowers are out. Help me think of something else.” I looked desperate.
“You’re going to have to apologize.”
“Like, in person.” I bolted off the bed and dashed to open the window. “No, seriously, what can I buy her?”
“I am serious.” Karen crossed her arms. “You have to say you’re sorry. I don’t think gifts will work with this one. Besides, you aren’t dating. Friends talk things out.”
Ah, shit. Everyone wants me to talk and to open up. What was the point of talking? I liked actions. Actions spoke louder than words, didn’t they? I cringed at the thought of having a sit down with Minnie, having a heart-to-heart. She would probably use a phrase like, “In my heart of hearts…” Gah. I hated that.
I knew Karen was right, but I didn’t have it in me that night. I was supposed to go to some parties with the girls, but I got the feeling it would be best if I skedaddled for the weekend and let the dust settle. They would have more fun without me.
That’s right. I was fleeing town. Getting out of Dodge. Running away. You name it, I was doing it. How’s that for being spontaneous? Besides I knew Jess would know the right thing for me to do. She was like that Jeeves character: always reliable and prudent.
Fortunately for me, Jess was home when I walked into the apartment.
She skipped across the room, her skirt swishing around her, and threw her arms around me. “This is a nice surprise. I wasn’t expecting you until tomorrow.”
I kissed her passionately, and said, “I couldn’t wait another second.”
She stepped back, scrutinizing my face. “Out with it, Paige. What happened?”
“I don’t know if I can talk about it yet.” I limped over to the couch.
Jess pulled a chair over to face me. Taking both my hands, she said, “I think you’ll feel better if you do.”
I told her all about Minnie. She cringed a few times and then smacked my hand. “You ninny! I could have told you all that from what you’ve told me. Seriously, Paige. We need to work on your manners.” She hesitated. “You’re going to have to apologize.”
What!
“Jess, I was really hoping you could come up with a different solution. Like a gift with some poetry or something…” my voice trailed off.
“That wouldn’t work on me if my friend had said all that stuff.”
I sighed and eyed the ceiling, searching for a different answer.
“Maybe I could go to church with her? Do a fake confessional thingy? I’ve always wondered what they look like inside.”
“What, a church or a confessional booth?”
“Both I guess. I’ve never been to either.”
“You’ve never been to church.” She was flabbergasted.
“Nope.”
“Are your parents atheists?”
“Not that I know of. I am, but I don’t know what they believe.”
Jess shook her head in disbelief. “Your family continues to shock the hell out of me.”
“Really?”
She kissed my cheek. “Sometimes you are too sheltered.”
“I don’t feel innocent.”
“You do know about ‘eating pussy.’” The words made Jess blush. She hardly ever swore or used crude language. I’m not fucking kidding. To me, that was baffling.
“Oh, don’t remind me about Minnie.”
She teased, “I thought you liked it.”
“Oh, you were actually referring to—” I blushed. “I thought you were bringing up Minnie, and that whole mess.”
“Nope. I said what I had to say about that. Now, let’s move on to more important matters. This situation will blow away sooner than you think. For someone who hates teenage drama, you’re wallowing in it yourself today.”
“Very funny, Jess.”
“So, tell me, how do you know you’re a true atheist if you haven’t ever been to church? I think we need to start a new project with you: exploring different religions and beliefs. This weekend, a Buddhist temple!”
She seemed truly excited about the prospect.
“Is this my punishment?”
“Learning is not a punishment, Paige. For a rich girl, you don’t know a lot about life. Maybe your parents shouldn’t have sent you to private school.”
“Trust me, rich people are damn stupid about the real world. I fit right in.”
“Not good enough. I’m not backing down.” The way she crossed her arms told me it was useless to protest.
“Oh, okay.” I put my palms up to show my resignation.
“Now, what should we do?” Jess was giddy.
I leaned in to kiss her. She pushed me back against the sofa cushions.
“Hey! I’m not a cheap date. Since you’re here, and I’m starving, let’s have dinner first. What do you feel like for dinner?”
“You.”
“Besides me…and haven’t you learned that being crude hasn’t paid off for you today?” She smiled, but I think she liked my answer.
We had been like Minnie and Jeff for some time: no sex allowed. When we had finally broken down that barrier, a whole new world opened up for me. Jess’s thirst for experiences and knowledge was explored in all aspects of life, even in the bedroom.
She tapped the armrests of her chair, pushing me to answer her question.
This was a game we played often. Jess knew just about every restaurant in town and although I tried to stump her, so far I wasn’t successful.
“Do you know a good place to have Peruvian?”
“Do I know a place?” Her eyes lit up. “Grab your keys. I’ll give you directions in the car.”
Really? She knew a Peruvian joint? I didn’t even know what kind of food would be on the menu. How in the hell did she do it?
As we left the apartment, Jess casually mentioned that Mel had been looking for me and needed to talk to me. That didn’t sound good. Hopefully, I could avoid sticking my foot in my mouth this time. I could always hope.
Chapter Eleven
I telephoned Mel on Saturday morning and we agreed to meet at Julia’s diner for lunch. Admittedly, I had been somewhat disappointed when I’d met the owner, Julia, and found out she wasn’t French. True, her place didn’t serve French cuisine, but I still thought there might be a chance. Jess had laughed when I’d told her that. Now, Julia’s was a firm favorite.
I knew Jess would show up there later. Jess hated being alone, yet she was an orpha
n. Oh, how I wished I were an orphan. I would even change my name to Annie if I thought that would help my dream come true. Jess had never admitted to me that she hated being alone, but it wasn’t hard to figure out. She was always searching for places with people—interesting people. Even when Jess read novels, she preferred to do it in public. And she liked a change of scenery. Movement describes Jess’s personality. She was always moving on to new experiences. Jess didn’t talk about her parents much, but she always seemed to have money for restaurants, movies, books, music, theater, sporting events—she never seemed to struggle with finances. I never felt comfortable enough to ask if she had an inheritance. Yes, she had an internship, but I assumed that was unpaid until after she graduated. She worked occasionally at a used bookshop, but I think she only did so because the owner was one of her good friends. If he needed a break or extra help around the holidays, he’d give her a ring. I’m pretty sure she didn’t ask for a paycheck; that wasn’t her style. Jess had honor, and I loved her for that. Instead of paying her, I think the owner allowed Jess to take whatever novels tickled her fancy. I loved that, because after Jess had devoured them within a day or two, she handed them off to me. Before I moved to college, I read three or four books a week. Now that I had a roommate, I couldn’t lie in bed till the wee hours of the morning reading a book Jess had loved and passed onto me. It frustrated the hell out of me.
But, back to money. When we went out, I picked up our tabs. Jess never said anything. I think she knew I was waging a war on my parents: a war of pocketbooks. Aren’t all wars about money? Petty? You bet. It made me feel good, though. And to spend their money on my girlfriend made me feel even better.
Julia’s diner served the best pulled pork sandwiches. She had other choices on the menu, but you’d be a fool to order something else. Julia, a Midwestern gal in her fifties, had learned the secret family recipe from her Southern grandfather. Jess has begged her for the recipe many times, unsuccessfully. Ever since Jess wandered into Julia’s last year, we’ve eaten there at least once a week. Julia has become part of Jess’s family, and now mine.
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