Ample & Alluring

by Mary E Thompson

“Hey guys,” I said with a smile. “Are you ready for this?”

  Addi and Joey exchanged a look and nodded. “We are. We’re feeling good, Peyton.”

  “Excellent. That will always help.”

  Laura worked to get everything ready while I talked to Addi. Even though she’d been through the procedure before, I wanted to make sure she was calm and ready.

  “You know how this goes. You shouldn’t feel any pain. Laura will hold the ultrasound wand on you so I can make sure I’m in the right spot. When I know I’m there, I’ll inject the embryo into the lining. We’ll keep you here to rest for an hour. And Joey, you know you can stay in here with her.”

  They both nodded.

  “Do you guys have any questions?”

  They shook their heads. “We’re just hoping this is the last time.”

  “I am, too.”

  Laura said she was ready and handed me the catheter. She squirted gel onto Addi bare abdomen as I lifted the cover. I watched the tip of the catheter come into view on the screen with my eyes on exactly where it needed to go. I eased it into position, then depressed the plunger to implant the single embryo into Addi.

  I said a quick prayer as I removed the catheter, even more important with my own tiny life developing inside me.

  Laura verified that the embryo was in fact released, then we both cleaned up. Addi and Joey were staring at each other when I turned back to speak to them and I almost couldn’t say anything.

  I took a deep breath and struggled to compose myself. “Laura or I will check back with you guys in a while. If you need anything, let us know. And we’ll make sure you have an appointment in a couple weeks to come back for your blood test.”

  They nodded, but their eyes were already trailing back together.

  I rushed out of the room and into my office before my tears fell.

  Laura was on my heels.

  “What happened? Did something go wrong?”

  I shook my head. “I was just watching them and… I don’t know if I can do this.”

  “This what?”

  I gestured to my belly. “This, this. Have a baby on my own. It’s not fair to the kid. He should be with both parents, not just one.”

  “He?”

  “Oh, shut up,” I snapped.

  “Your hormones and emotions are all over the place right now.”

  I shook my head. “No. It’s not that. Watching the way those two were looking at each other reminded me why I went into this business. It’s not fair for me to keep my own child just because I feel guilty. I should give the baby up to someone who really wants kids. Two parents.”

  Laura took a deep breath. “You’re scared right now. And you’re emotional. I know this is hard, but you’re already making changes to fit another person in your life. If that person is your child and not Wyatt, I know that’ll be hard, but you can do this. You’ll be a great mom. And I’m not going to take that job.”

  “What? Why not?”

  “I can’t leave you here like this.”

  “No. Hell no. I’m going to be a mother. I can’t have everyone in my life still treating me like I’m incapable of being alone. How in the hell will I ever care for a child if I can’t care for myself.”

  “I never said you can’t. You shouldn’t have to. I’ll move into Vicki’s room. I already put in my notice for my apartment, so I’ll have to move in soon, but it’ll be good. I’ll cook and clean and help you with the baby. We can do this.”

  “I love you for offering, Laur, but I can’t let you do that. You want this job. You’re excited about it. This baby is my responsibility. I survived medical school, I can raise a child.”

  “I think med school was probably easier. Shorter, too.”

  “I’m going to miss you,” I said, hugging my friend. “It’s going to be hard, but I won’t let you stay here.”

  Laura held me for a long minute. “I’m scared.”

  “What are you scared of?”

  She shrugged and pulled back. “I’ve never lived somewhere new like this. I’m going to a new town with all new people and doing a new job. What if I’m not any good? What if I hate living there? I mean, I haven’t even gone to visit. What-”

  “Laura, stop. You’re going to love it. And you’re an amazing nurse. And if you decide you want to come back, I’ll always have a spot for you here.”

  She hugged me, tears rolling down both our cheeks. “The way I’m blubbering you’d think I was pregnant, too.”

  I snorted. “I wish it was you instead of me.”

  Laura shook her head. “You’re going to love this baby so much you won’t know what to do with yourself.”

  I rested my hand on my belly. “I already do.”

  I threw myself into work the rest of the week. I refused to think about Wyatt, but I dreamt about him every night. I’d wake myself up calling his name and find my hand in my panties halfway to an orgasm.

  Of course, when I was awake, I had no interest in finishing.

  Which meant I was wound tighter than a bow by the weekend.

  “Hunter’s coming over and we’re going out to dinner,” Vicki said when I walked into the kitchen for a drink. “Want to come with us?”

  I shook my head. “I’m good. Thanks.” I continued into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water.

  “Is everything okay with you?”

  I nodded. “Of course, why?”

  Vicki’s eyes trailed my body, taking in Wyatt’s t-shirt that I never wanted to take off, my thick sweatpants because I was freezing, and my fuzzy slippers. Oh yeah, and my unwashed hair. Going on two days.

  “You’re never like this. You skipped girls’ night. You’ve been working like crazy. And I haven’t heard anything about Wyatt.”

  “We broke up,” I confessed. “It’s over.”

  “I sort of figured. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I shrugged. “I didn’t want to talk about it.”

  “So he ended things?”

  “Yes,” I snapped. “Does that make you happy? One more thing that I’ve screwed up in my life. I can’t even keep a man happy.”

  Vicki flinched and I immediately felt bad for being such a bitch.

  “I’m sorry.”

  She shook her head. “No, it’s fine. I guess there’s a lot we both have to say. I don’t want to see you miserable, Peyton. I thought you and Wyatt were good together. You’re both very committed to your work, you love what you do, you really seemed to click, and you didn’t want kids. I was a little jealous of you guys because it seemed so easy. Like you just fell into a relationship.”

  “We did. And it was easy. Until I messed it all up.”

  “How did you mess it up?”

  I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. It’s over now. I’m back to normal. I’ll still be available for your wedding though. I already cancelled all my appointments for that day.”

  “Thanks. Um, Mom and Dad want to come down for the week. I was sort of wondering if they could stay here.”

  Just what I needed. Of course, I grinned. “Yeah, sure. It makes the most sense. I’m guessing you’ll have moved everything into Hunter’s place by then.”

  She nodded. “Yeah. I, um, I have almost everything there already.”

  “Wow. Where have I been?”

  She shrugged. “Work.”

  I nodded. “Right. Well, that’s going to change. Over the next few months I’m going to take more time off work.”

  “Why?”

  “I need to realign my priorities. I hired a new doctor. She starts in March. And I’m going to need to take time off over the next eight months or so.”

  “Eight months? That's very specific.”

  “Yeah, well, things are changing.”

  “Did you give yourself a weird deadline or something?”

  I nodded. “Or something.”

  “Peyton, what’s going on? What aren’t you telling me?”

  I shook my head. “Nothing. It’s not that impo
rtant. Have fun with Hunter.” I turned to head back to my room before I ruined her night.

  “Wait. Are you pregnant?”

  I froze, just for a second, then spun around. I smiled and shook my head. “Of course not. I always use protection.”

  “Yeah, and it’s not guaranteed. How many times did you tell me that? You are pregnant, aren’t you?”

  I sighed. “Yes.”

  “Shit. That’s why you and Wyatt broke up, isn’t it?”

  I nodded.

  “I can’t believe he’s that big of an asshole. He was there, too. He had just as big a part of creating that baby as you did.”

  “It’s more complicated than that.”

  “How does it get more complicated?”

  I shook my head. Vicki didn’t need to know about Wyatt’s ex and her tricks. It wasn’t my place to share that story.

  “It doesn’t matter. He feels betrayed and it’s over between us. I can’t do anything about it.”

  “But he can’t do that. I mean he has a responsibility to you and the baby. Does he at least acknowledge that?”

  I shook my head. “We haven’t talked. I blurted it out last weekend and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m on my own as far as I’m concerned. If he wants to be in the baby’s life, I won’t keep him away, but I can’t keep trying to reach out to him. It’s killing me to have him ignore me.”

  Vicki pulled out her phone. “I’m going to text Hunter that I’m not going out tonight. I need to stay here.”

  “No,” I told her. “You’re not staying here. I’m fine. I need to be fine for my baby. Go out with Hunter. Have fun.”

  “I-”

  “Vicki, go. Enjoy a night out with your fiancé. When you’re pregnant like me, you won’t want to go out. You’ll feel like a whale and be uncomfortable and miserable constantly. Have fun now.”

  “Gee, you make getting pregnant sound so exciting.”

  I shrugged and gestured to my outfit. “This is the face of unplanned pregnancy. At least you know yours will be planned.”

  Vicki sighed. She met my eyes. “I’m a little jealous of you right now.”

  I nodded. “I know. And I wish I could give you this baby. Or Addi. Or any one of my patients. It kills me that I got pregnant on birth control, on accident, when I didn’t even really want kids, and so many women can’t when they’re doing everything right.”

  “You can’t think that way,” Vicki said. “We can’t question why things are the way they are.”

  “Sure we can. We’re just not going to get an answer.”

  Vicki laughed. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay here?”

  I nodded. “I’m sure.” The doorbell pierced the air. “Anyway, Hunter’s here. Have fun.”

  I turned to leave the room to spare Hunter from looking at me in all my crazy pregnant goodness. I heard Vicki walk across the room, her heels clacking on the floor. She opened the door just before I made it to my room.

  God how I wished I’d made it to my room.

  Chapter 28

  “Hey Vicki. Is Peyton here?” he asked like he was there to get me for a date.

  “She doesn’t want to see you,” my sister defended. I could imagine her with her arms crossed and the pissed off expression on her face.

  “I need to talk to her,” Wyatt begged, his voice rising.

  I had no interest in talking to him, but I really wanted to see him. I hated myself for it. He tore my heart out. And I didn’t owe him anything. But dammit I missed him.

  “She has nothing to say to you. You need to leave.”

  I peeked around the corner, desperate for a glimpse. He ran his hand through his hair, the dark strands sticking up like he’d been doing it all day. His eyes were sunken and his shirt was not pressed and perfect like Wyatt always was.

  Good. He deserved a little pain for what he put me through.

  Then his eyes landed on me, catching me staring at him. He pushed past Vicki, not letting her stop him when she realized he saw me.

  “Peyton,” he growled.

  “No,” I said, stepping out from behind the wall to face him. “I don’t want to hear it, Wyatt. You made it perfectly clear you didn’t want anything to do with me or my child. If you change your mind about the baby, I won’t keep you from him or her. But we’re done.”

  “Not a chance. I want both of you.”

  I shook my head. “I’m sorry, but you’re not going to get what you want this time. I can’t trust you not to walk away again.”

  “What if I told you I wanted to marry you?”

  I laughed because it hurt to hear him say the words. “We both know you’re only asking me because of the baby. That’s who you are. You told me that.”

  “I’m not.”

  I nodded. “You are. I know you are. As much as I wish that weren’t the case, I know you don’t really love me. And I’m okay with that. I love you and this baby will always know he has an amazing man for a father.”

  “How can you say you love me and not believe that I love you.”

  I sighed and threw up my hands. “You’ve never said you loved me, Wyatt. You never once said it. And now I’m pregnant, with a child you don’t want, and I’m supposed to believe you’ve changed your mind about everything in just a week? You want me, and this baby, and to be a husband and father?”

  “When you found out you were pregnant, did you instantly fall in love with the baby?”

  I rested my hands on my stinky, stained t-shirt covered belly and nodded. “I did.”

  “Then why can’t the same be true for me? Why is it so hard to believe that I didn’t fall in love with him in the moment I found out.”

  Tears welled up as I thought back to the look of pure hatred Wyatt gave me when I told him I was pregnant. “You hated me. You were angry. You walked away from me.”

  “I made a mistake.”

  I shook my head. “You acted on instinct. You did what you thought was right. What you knew you wanted to do.”

  The doorbell interrupted him from saying anything else, and I realized Vicki was watching us. She turned to let Hunter in.

  “Hey,” he said. “Are you ready to go?”

  Vicki flashed me a look of concern. I shook my head. “You guys go ahead. Wyatt is leaving.”

  “No, I’m not. Not until we talk this out.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about. I told you, you can see the baby. I’d never keep you from your child.”

  Wyatt looked at Vicki and Hunter, still taking in every word said between the two of us. Hunter’s eyes widened before they looked to Vicki for confirmation. She nodded.

  “Would you guys give us a little privacy? If you don’t mind?” Wyatt asked. He was nice about it, but I heard an edge to his voice. I worried I wouldn’t be able to say no to him if he got me alone. But I couldn’t have Hunter and Vicki protect me forever.

  Vicki’s eyes met mine and I nodded. She grabbed her coat and pushed Hunter back toward the door. She turned at the last minute and glared at Wyatt. “If you hurt her again, there isn’t an agency in town that can keep you safe from me.”

  Wyatt nodded. “Understood.”

  Vicki and Hunter left, the door snapping closed behind them with a click that set my nerves on edge. Wyatt turned back to me, his eyes softening.

  “Will you sit with me? Let me talk to you a little?”

  I shook my head. “I’m tired. And I would rather you just left.”

  “You said you won’t keep me from the baby. Will you tell me what you know?”

  “I don’t know anything. I’m six weeks pregnant. It’s too early to do an ultrasound. Aside from a pregnancy test, I don’t know anything.”

  “Then tell me how you’re feeling.”

  “Tired and frustrated,” I said. Then slipped and added, “And lonely.”

  He wrapped his arms around me before I could resist. The tears came quickly, soaking his disheveled shirt. He smoothed his hand through my hair, letting me cry until
I couldn’t cry anymore.

  Wyatt guided us to the couch and pulled me onto his lap. “Let me be here for you, Peyton.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “I won’t trap you,” I said, knowing it was what he was worried about.

  “Is that what you think the problem is? That I’m going to feel trapped?”

  “Aren’t you?” I asked, climbing off his lap. I couldn’t stand to touch him, and be touched by him, for another second. Not when I knew it was temporary.

  He shook his head. “I was. I’ll admit. When you first said you were pregnant, my thoughts immediately went to Dee. And what she did. Once I was able to think about it, I knew you would never do anything like that to me. It’s not who you are. You’d never lie to me or try to get me to stay with you because of a lie.”

  “I wouldn’t. I didn’t. I’ll go pee on another stick right now if you want me to.”

  He chuckled and shook his head. “It’s not necessary. I trust you, and when I realized that, I knew it meant something bigger.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “A couple weeks ago, when I stayed over here, I told you I was falling for you. Do you remember that?”

  Tears filled my eyes, but I shook my head. It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true. That was a dream. Wasn’t it?

  “I whispered it when we were going to sleep because I was too chicken-shit to tell you when we were awake. But even then, I lied. I already loved you. I was already thinking about a future with you. Valentine’s Day was just the beginning. Asking you to that dinner was the easiest thing I’ve done in a long time because I knew I wanted you. And even though it’s a long way off, I knew I wanted to be with you. Because it’s you, Peyton. It’s always been you.”

  “You walked away,” I whispered, holding on to that one thing. Because it hurt. It destroyed me. It was the single most painful moment in my life.

  He stood before me, his hands resting on my arms. “I did. And I’ll regret it every day for the rest of my life. My shit got in the way of us. I want to make it up to you. I want us to be a family. You, me, and the baby.” He got down on one knee and opened a velvet box.

  I shook my head before he could say anything else. “I can’t, Wyatt. I want to say yes, but it’s too soon. An hour ago I hadn’t heard from you in a week. I thought you hated me. I want to say yes and think it can be that easy, but I need to know you’re not going to disappear on me again.”