Eleven Hundred Sand Dunes

by Helena Phillips

  “She was. Now being with Homarta has frightened her back into a dangerous state, and she’s sedated her.” It was impossible to read this guy’s expression.

  “We can’t leave her like this. It needs to be fixed.”

  Homarta told him she’d been waiting for his return. Bridey was given something to wake her up, and she was lifted out of Sandro’s arms and taken away. He dared not go into the jealousy again, but he hated releasing her to Torrenclar and then watching him walk away.

  ***

  Nineteen

  Bridey

  I am waking up, and it’s confusing. I’m in Torrenclar’s arms. Where’s he taking me? I can feel the panic rising. He soothes me quietly. “Bridey, we are going home.” I relax and drift off to sleep again.

  When I wake, we’re in my bedroom, lying on my bed. He’s stretched out beside me as I have found him many times before, just waiting for me.

  “Hello, sleepy head.”

  That sounds safe and friendly. He doesn’t sound like he hates me. I sit up. “Where’s Sandro? I don’t want to be here without him. He needs me.”

  Again, he speaks to me softly saying, “It’s alright, sweetheart. He knows where you are. Hopefully, it’s only for a little while. He’ll hardly have time to miss you.” That makes me feel sad. Perhaps he won’t miss me at all.

  “Bridey, I have something important to tell you.” I hold my breath, scared it will set me off again. Life is dangerous. I can’t remember when I last felt safe. He might ruin it again. “You know how you haven’t seen too much of me over the last couple of days,” he begins. I want him to shut up. I don’t want to talk about this. I can’t take any more. “I’ve been lost in my own thoughts, hardly thinking about yours. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me.” The ice begins to melt and suddenly I can’t breathe. I sit up quickly trying to calm myself. My heart is racing. There’s a heavy feeling across my chest, and it’s becoming painful.

  Torrenclar sits up too and holds me. “It’s going to be okay,” he says. “You’re safe now.” I try to absorb that. He’s been saying he hasn’t even been thinking about me. That’s how bad things are. Tears come as they always do, but I try to shut everything down again.

  “It’s okay Torrenclar,” I say. “You have other things to think about. It might be time for you to move onto a new job. I’ll be okay now. Thank you.” Then the sobs start. It’s exactly like it was with Homarta that night. Crying doesn’t help. It just makes them feel like they have to look after you. But, underneath, they want to be somewhere else. And then, I remember. Flagran’s already gone. My horrible behaviour has broken up the whole party, and everyone wishes they didn’t have to be with me. That’s why I needed to come home. But the sobbing gets worse, and I have to let him hold me. Once it’s over, and I can calm myself, I’ll tell him it’s okay. But, he starts talking to me while he’s stroking my hair and patting my back and holding me very, very close.

  “Bridey, it’s important that you listen to me, please. Stop crying, sweetheart, so you can hear what I have to say.” But, I’m too gutted to control myself. By this time the sobbing has reached the gasping and choking stage, and I can’t talk. He holds me close and keeps murmuring into my ear, and I clutch at him, trying to keep him here. Terrified he’ll leave me, and it’ll be all over. “I love you, sweetheart,” he’s saying. “You are very precious to me. Your behaviour hasn’t changed that. It made me sad and angry, but I still love you and cherish our friendship. Please don’t be hurt. I want you to be my friend for a very long time.”

  It takes a while to hear what the words mean. He’s talking as though I’m leaving him. The sobs calm, and my voice, although it struggles getting started, begins to work again. “But I’ve been so horrible that Homarta told me I was just like my mother.” The devastation of it hits again. My mother has always been cold and hard. She has left me hungry for everything that’s important. Whenever people come near her, she turns them away. It’s a terrible indictment that will never go away.

  “Do you think I would love you as much as I do, if that were true?”

  “But you turned away in disgust. You walked off. You left me on the sand dunes, and you were so cold and distant when you came back.” The thoughts begin to choke me again, and the sobbing returns as the memory floods in. I lie down and turn away from him hoping he will go so we don’t have to talk about it.

  But, he won’t let it go. “Yes. I did. And I deeply regret it. It would have done you far less damage if I had taken you to task myself. I think I tried to get through, but I wasn’t using the right tools.”

  Alarm bells rang. But he was right. He should have made me listen to him. Turning away only made me desperate. “I would rather you had done anything else.” That much was certain.

  “Turn over darling. Let me hold you.” I need this so badly that I have to let him. “There’s much more to say, and I want to hold you while I say it.”

  “Please don’t. Please just leave me. I can’t hear it.” If only he wouldn’t tell me all my faults.

  “You are very lovable. So adorable, that it has tortured me at times. There have been many hours when thinking about you, your little habits, the way you move, your smile, your cheekiness, your strength when you know something has to be done, has distracted me so much I have thought maybe I should leave.” His voice quietens, and we lie still. “But, the Source allowed me to stay.”

  “Why are you telling me this now then?” I ask, feeling overwhelmed and uncomfortable. But also, relieved. If he gets up now and goes, I will be lost inside the darkness, but what can I say to this?

  “You love me, Bridey. I know this. It’s okay for us to love each other. There is nothing wrong with it. It is a different kind of love, and it all depends on how well we manage it whether we can survive it. You have Sandro. This really helps you, and it is how it should be. But, for me, it only increases the loneliness.” I want to put my hands over my ears, but he pulls them down and leans his body over me. I never thought of that. The time when he had suddenly appeared and started kissing me came back. And then the experience in the bush at Mallacoota, followed by our time in the garden. It’s all out there now. The last bit makes me cringe in embarrassment; shame for my excitement. Everything’s too confusing.

  But, there’s more he has to say. “When you experience me as withdrawing, it’s not usually because I am going off you. It’s more likely that I am feeling overwhelmed. You need to know this so you don’t torture yourself about it, but just know I’m having a hard time, and perhaps think of me kindly.”

  When the perspective changes and suddenly you can see what it going on in the other person’s world, everything lightens. I prop up on one elbow and gaze down at him. “It’s hard to think of you lonely.”

  He grimaces. “It is my own choice. Being a loner is part of my nature. You mustn’t think about this as a burden for you. It isn’t. I choose to be a free spirit, and I choose to love you because you are lovely. If you weren’t, I would find it less satisfying to do this work. It’s always like this. Sometimes, people are given to me to look after, and I find I like the work but am happy to move on when the time comes. Every now and then, someone happens along who really grabs at my heart. They are the best times. I don’t usually make a mess of it. With you I’ve been in danger of doing that several times. But we’ve made it through, sweetheart. Haven’t we? I think we have. And I don’t usually tell them how I’m struggling. This time, the Source instructed me to be open with you. You have Sandro, and it will do you no harm to love me back.”

  I lie down with him then and lean into him in a different way. The warmth between us is intense and beautiful. It’s hard to break away. “I’m frightened to go back and face Homarta. She terrifies me.”

  “That makes sense if you think about it.”

  I raise my head. “How?”

  “Well, not many spirits will stand up to the Source the way she does. That earthquake was her saying she knew best. She is extreme
ly strong. The Source is probably the only one who can manage her. They are very close.” He considered this and decided to continue. “She was in kus bad books this afternoon, Bridey. Ku sent me away so she could be dealt with alone, and when I saw her next, she was crushed by whatever went on between them. You can be sure she wants to fix this. You are in no danger from her. Besides, I will be there. She may be able to brush Sandro aside, but she won’t try that on me.”

  Considering this, it occurred to me that it made her all the more frightening. “I can’t believe I had the courage to tell her to fuck off. More than once.”

  He shook his head. “No, we couldn’t believe it either.”

  We had travelled a great distance so he could bring me back to this safe place to help me. Now we had to return; all the way back. There was nothing else to be done. “But I don’t just want her not to frighten me, Torrenclar. I need her to love me. I need it desperately.”

  There’s one more thing. “Before we go back,” I hesitate, “Could I have a shower?” He laughs.

  “Feeling a bit grubby?” He shakes his head. “Sorry sweetheart. We are not really in this space. If you were to shower in it, you would feel no cleaner when you got back to the desert.”

  “But, what about when you took me to the island. I definitely felt fresher after that. My hair was still wet.”

  He shook his head. “Not the same thing. You will have to wait until Birdsville if you want to wash thoroughly. Sorry.”

  What use is he being the Caretaker for water and not being able to help me in real time!

  ***

  The Source

  There have been many times over the centuries when I’d had to pull Homarta into line. While her strength and wisdom are attractive, it’s essential that she remember she is my creation. I had made her beautiful, intelligent, warm and strong. The love between us is intensely rich. It is this I use to pull her into line now. She will not give up what we have together in order to pursue power with a human being. She needs to remember the beauty of being humble. Just as she had responded to Bridey’s plea for forgiveness originally, so she must find her own path which will lead to the same place. It is the only way my creatures can function with wholeness and health. Efforts to dominate each other are always, eventually, rejected by me. My love and deep connection with her are not diminished by her behaviour, but the glow of it has dimmed in her. She must return to her centre where surrender will set her feet back on the path.

  After Torrenclar had taken Bridey home, I collected Homarta and challenged her again. Poor Sandro was left alone with his fears. He spent the time stretching and followed this by tidying up the campsite and beginning dinner.

  “Well Homarta,” I began. “Have you managed to bring Bridey back to us?”

  Frustrated, she snapped at me, “You know very well what has taken place.”

  I whipped around to confront her. “I am asking you to account for yourself. You were given a task with a brief window of opportunity in which to achieve it, and I can see no sign of anything having changed from your end.” My voice was hot. She blanched. “And you can restrain yourself from taking that tone with me in the future.”

  “My apologies, my eagle. But, I know you know it was impossible, and I can’t account for something which just couldn’t happen, can I?” It took such a lot to keep her down.

  At my step towards her, she retreated hastily. But, another step made her pull up. She had nothing if not courage.

  “How dare you?” She cringed and ducked as though I would strike her. “You are lying to me.”

  “No, Love.” She was shocked.

  “Homarta, you are talking rubbish. You have had ample opportunity, yet you have chosen otherwise.” She tried to hold my gaze but dropped hers in light of my reaction to it. The mulish expression on her face did not bode well for her. I disappeared.

  ***

  Sandro

  Alone in the camp, Sandro was left with his thoughts on Torrenclar having taken his woman, and knowing he would bring her back having fixed her. At first, his mind dwelt on the insistent rage over having to share her and losing her to him, but as the hours passed these ideas gave way to the Source’s suggestion that he could learn from him if he wasn’t so intent on competing. What was there to learn? What might he be saying or doing which would work for her? Then he realised he could ask either of them, and they would probably tell him. In the end, he decided to ask Torrenclar. It would have been easier to approach Bridey, but she would feel protective of him, and Torrenclar would not. That was something attractive about him. He never tried to please Sandro, only to be respectful and to challenge him. He never assumed a relationship which wasn’t there. He recognised and accepted the jealousy without backing off. Having come to this decision, a great sense of satisfaction flooded him, and the remainder of the afternoon was peaceful. Actually, it was almost happiness. He was where he wanted to be, and the tasks he set himself he enjoyed. There were times when he felt like someone entirely other than who he had been before the earthquake.

  When they arrived, a momentary urge to fight him sprang up because whatever had taken place between them had been close, and he hadn’t been a part of it. But that passed. Torrenclar let her down, and she ran across to Sandro and jumped up like a puppy expecting to be picked up. With his gammy arm, he had to refrain, but he wanted to take her immediately to the tent and deal with her properly. Torrenclar stepped forward.

  “Sorry Sandro, to interrupt, but you need to know Homarta is on her way. It would be better for Bridey to get this over with, before she has time for the fear to build again.” He searched her face for confirmation, and though she seemed reluctant, she nodded. “When she comes, I want you to leave her alone with Homarta so they can do this in privacy.”

  Bridey also seemed to agree to this. “But, I’d like you both to be near enough if I need you”

  This seemed like the exact opportunity Sandro was after to have some time alone with Torrenclar, so he kissed her and left with the Caretaker. They found a spot on a nearby slope from where they could watch but not hear what was said.

  ***

  Bridey

  I am feeling sick with dread about what she might say to me. It’s certain she won’t hurt me physically, but she could do damage in so many other ways. Memories of how much I loved her seem dim now. When she comes towards me, I try to stand without stepping back. The top half of my body’s pulling away, and I have to be content with my feet staying where they are.

  The first thing she does is hold out her arms to me. That just isn’t going to happen. She regards me reflectively for a moment or two, and my anxiety begins to shoot up. In the end, she drops to the ground to wait for me. The last time she’d done that, she was roaring at me. It was a bad choice. I stay where I am, standing. Then she says, “Come on Bridey. You know I didn’t mean it. I was only trying to make a point you would take seriously.” Anger shoots through me like an ant bite. Those words have hurt me so much, and here she is glossing over it. Turning away from her seems like a plan, but then I know it will all be still a problem, so instead, I say, “Okay Homarta. Maybe, you didn’t mean it, but it hurt me badly.” She agrees, and then that’s it.

  I turn to look at Sandro, but he’s deep in conversation with Torrenclar, so I go towards our tent to think, and Homarta disappears.

  ***

  The Source

  Homarta really seemed to believe she had done the job as required.

  This time my anger had returned with far more intensity than had been there originally. The temptation to dismiss her without a word was strong. Instead, she received a cold welcome. She turned to leave without protest, but she wasn’t escaping that easily.

  “What is it with you, Homarta? You know you won’t get away with that. It won’t work for her, and it certainly won’t work with me. It was a disgraceful attempt.”

  “I just can’t bring myself to take the fault here, Love.”

  “Well that’s up to you.�
�� She looked at me longingly, but the moment was hardened to that now. Into her mind came all which had passed between us at some of our recent encounters, but she could not give in. So, she was dismissed.

  ***

  Sandro

  On the hill, they sat while he gathered his thoughts trying to be adult about this. The afternoon’s peace was still strong in him, and it seemed like a plan to just go for it. “Torrenclar, I would like to learn from you.”

  The Caretaker stared at him astonished while a slow smile lit his face. It was the first time Torrenclar had looked at him like that; like he’d been waiting for the moment, but when it came it was a total surprise. “It would be a great pleasure for me to teach you, Sandro.” The recipient of these words wasn’t as sure about that. His tendency to do everything his own way would be quite an obstacle. “In fact,” Torrenclar continued, “I am honoured that you have been able to bring yourself to ask me, especially after I have been away with your woman.” The latter part of this made Sandro uncomfortable, but it was true, and there was nothing to be added. “Where are you feeling the need for input?”

  “If you could share with me some of what made her so well after being with you, it would help me.”

  The Caretaker looked uncomfortable. “Maybe, it wouldn’t have quite the effect on you that you’re hoping for.”

  What had he done? Instantly, jealousy flashed, and with it the desire to kill him, figuratively of course, because the Caretaker held all the cards. The feeling of impotence was overwhelming. He sat silent, thinking. Gathering his resources, the next words surprised them both. “Try me.”

  Torrenclar screwed up his face and actually squirmed. There was only one way through this. He had to spit it out or they would both be in serious trouble for the remainder of their time working together. “Okay, Sandro. But you won’t like it. You may want to attack me, and I need to warn you that that might not be in your best interests.”

  “Just get on with it,” he growled, the blood rising.