Believe

by Natalie Gayle

  “We’ll be fine, sweetheart,” he reassured almost automatically, then he must have thought about it a little more. “What specifically were you referring to Ari?”

  Now was my time to tell him. There’d never be a better opportunity to express my fears. So why was I so scared? And why was it so hard to talk to him about this?

  “I’m worried about what’s to come…I saw the internet and all the press around the fight. I’m not sure how…”

  “It’s all bullshit, Ari. The whole lot of it is nothing more than crap and hype designed to create a noise about the fight. The sole purpose is to get bums on seats and people to buy pay per view subscriptions. None of it’s true.”

  He was trying to convince me, sell it to me even. “I saw a bit of what they did to Eden and I’m terrified. Not for myself, but for Isaac. If they find out he’s a special needs child…”

  Dane slammed his head back against the pillows. “Fuck! I didn’t think of that.” He paused for a second. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Hell, the latest stats say one in every forty kids has either Autism or Asperger’s. It’s almost the norm.”

  “You’re right but I don’t want him hurt or his life to be any more difficult than it already is. If you’re about to be like Xander…”

  Dane was silent for a few moments. “It won’t be quite like that. I won’t let them hurt you or Isaac. Xander’s fight was much bigger than mine…” Then his voice trailed off and I knew something was wrong. A huge knot formed in my belly.

  “What is it?” My voice came out as a whisper.

  He rolled out from under me and propped himself up on his side, looking at me. “Reed spoke to me in Vegas. The contender for the title fight got injured. I’m filling the spot for the main event.”

  What did it mean? I wasn’t familiar with all the jargon and how fights worked but contender, title and main event sure registered with me as being important.

  “I’ve got to drop another nine kilos and it’s going to be brutal.”

  “By when?” I snapped out, horrified. How could he lose that much weight? His body was rock hard and a work of art now. I liked nothing better than running my hands over it and tracing every single hard cut muscle.

  “Four weeks last Saturday. Weigh-in will be the day before.”

  I shook my head disbelieving. “Is it really possible. You’re a big guy and you’re not carrying any extra fat.”

  “It’s about the water weight, babe. I need to be really careful with my diet and program for the next three weeks, but the last week will be all about cutting the fluid from my body. That’s where I’ll get the real weight reduction.”

  What was he talking about? “I don’t get it.”

  He sighed and I knew he didn’t feel comfortable about telling me. “It’s going to be really hard for both of us. I’m going to be starving and thirsty. Weak and exhausted. I’m going to be unbearable to live with. Basically, I’m dehydrating myself to the point I lose all the weight.”

  Dane was going to do what? I sat up outraged and confused. “How? Why? I don’t understand? Why do you have to do this?”

  “It’s all part of the sport, Ari. I have to make weight. If I do this right, I should have a real power and size advantage against my opponent.”

  “But you’ve just told me you’re going to be weak and exhausted. How are you going to beat him if you feel like that? I saw some of the footage from Xander’s fight. It was horrible. Xander was bleeding everywhere.” I couldn’t believe he was going to do this. It was crazy. Certifiable even. How could the man I love subject himself to that? How could I watch him do it?

  “I only have to be under 83.9 kilos for the weigh-in. I’ll fight at probably the weight I am now.” I was even more confused. What was he talking about?

  “Dane I can’t see how…”

  “Because as soon as I weigh in, I start rehydrating. That means I eat and drink to excess. I’ll give you an example. Xander fought eight kilos heavier than what he weighed in the day before.”

  What the? My mind was struggling to get around this. How could you be eight kilos heavier the next day? Why?

  “But why? I don’t understand? And that can’t possibly be safe.”

  He looked exasperated and that was exactly how I felt. “I won’t lie to you. It is risky but we know what we’re doing, baby. Reed’s done this so many times. Xander’s done this heaps, as well. And I’ve done it too, just not to this extent. It’s tough and horrible but doable.”

  I was so angry. “If it wasn’t bad enough that you get in a cage to beat the hell out of each other, now you’re telling me you have to drop some ridiculous amount of weight too, for no logical reason one day, only to fight back to how you are today. That makes sense…NOT.” Anger raged through my every pore. For the first time in my life I wanted to hit something…really fucking hard. It was insane…crazy…ridiculous. The man I loved was doing this…why?

  “It’s the sport. I don’t make the rules, just abide by them.” His voice was flat and robotic.

  “Well don’t bloody fight…” I was off the bed and pacing the room, naked as the day I was born and spitting mad to boot.

  “I can’t pull out now, Ari. I signed the contract. Unless I have an injury that prevents me from fighting, I’ll be in that cage in a month’s time…I really hope you’ll be ringside cheering for me, but I understand if you’re not.”

  I rammed my thighs into the side of the bed, locked my hands to my hips and glared at him. “Why, Dane? Explain it to me? Why do you need to get into that cage?”

  He was moving and up on his knees like the graceful predatory animal he was. “I need to know, Ari. I need to know if I’m good enough. All my life I’ve cruised. Wasted potential. No longer. It’s do or die. I’m going to do it. In a month’s time I’ll know,” he spat back at me. I didn’t doubt his passion and commitment. His hazel eyes were not more than slits and there was a determination there that I hadn’t seen before.

  “And what happens if you lose?” I jabbed back.

  “Then I’ll know I wasn’t good enough, but at least I’ll know I had the balls to give it a go. There’s nothing more emasculating, I’ve discovered than not acting. Not having a go. Not being the man I was made to be. The man you deserve.”

  Right then, I could see the fear raging through him and I knew what demon was chasing him. Dane was terrified he wasn’t enough. It was insane that he could even think it. Somehow, he’d convinced himself that he was some sort of low achiever. How that could be? I didn’t know.

  To me—he was so different.

  “Dane, I get that you don’t see it, but you’re so different to what you think. You’re strong, successful, caring, loving, funny, hot and I love you so much. Don’t do this because you need to prove something to me. I already know how terrific you are and I’m still pinching myself trying to believe that a guy like you exists, let alone loves me and my son, with all our baggage.”

  He was silent for a moment, taking in my words. “I was on this path before I met you, Ari. If the fight had come up a couple of weeks later, I might have made a different decision. Though, I doubt it. I need to know, Ari. You can tell me till the cows come home, but I need to believe it in here.” He thumped his chest with his fist and I got it.

  My big alpha male, who I knew could take on the world and win, wasn’t sure of himself. He didn’t know in his heart, if he’d make the ultimate call, the sacrifice when the time came—whatever or whenever that maybe.

  Fact was, he’d already made it and he just didn’t realise it. Time and time again, he’d been making it. It was as easy to him as breathing. So easy—he didn’t even realise. How could I prove it to him? Make him understand?

  Maybe I couldn’t, and that was for me to accept? Maybe this was the time I needed to support him, even if it was going to kill me to watch him go through it, to discover what I knew already?

  I nodded. “Okay, I get why you need to do it and I’ll support you. Just promis
e me you’ll pull out if it gets too much. You don’t need to prove to me the sort of man you are. I already know and I love you for who you are now, you don’t need to change a thing to make me happy or love you more.”

  He was silent for a long moment and his eyes bored into mine.

  “I’m going to win that million and you’ll never need to worry about gambling or working again. I’m not having my woman risking herself with the law over money. I’ll be fine. It’s just a fight. Twenty-five minutes—less if I get the knock out early.”

  It wasn’t just a fight. It was so much more.

  This sport was dangerous and violent—life threatening.

  I saw it then. He’d switched to warrior mode.

  I knew what the next month would be like. I’d seen it before, the single minded focus of needing to achieve something. Maybe it was different when you had kids? Particularly when your child had special needs. They came first—everything else was a secondary thing.

  I slumped on the bed and let him smother me in kisses.

  He didn’t get it.

  I didn’t need him to be a rich man. I didn’t need him to fight. I just needed him to be exactly who he was and to love me. That was more than enough for me.

  Somehow, I had to let him know. Deep down I knew nothing I said would change his mind. In less than four weeks’ time, Dane would step into that cage and somehow I had to be supportive. I had to let him know I was okay with his decision, when all I wanted to do was rage against it.

  The fear of what could happen, the man I could lose already felt as if it was slowly strangling me. How would I be in four weeks’ time?

  Chapter 26

  Dane

  “For Christ sake, hit the bloody pads, stop playing with them. What’s wrong with you? You’re hitting at about half strength.” I thumped my fists into the pads as hard and fast as I could. My arms ached and every muscle in my body screamed from exhaustion. I had nothing left. I was so damned tired and I felt like I was moving in wet cement. It was the worst feeling for an athlete.

  “I’m shot…”

  “I don’t fucking want to hear it, nor do I care. We train hard to fight easy. Now hit the fucking pads,” Reed bellowed at me as he pushed the pads back into my face.

  “I can’t.” I’d never been so exhausted in my life—I couldn’t lift my arms.

  “What the fuck did you say? There’s no such word as can’t in a fighter’s vocabulary. Now drop and give me twenty. Fuck me, Dane. I’ll knock the can’t out of you one way or another.”

  I gladly let my knees buckle and I stretched out into a push-up position on the mats. My arms were numb and dead at the same time. Somehow, I managed to raise my body up and down a few times.

  “Keep going. You don’t see Xander ever quitting or telling me he can’t, do you? Did I make a mistake about you? Ten days from the fight and you’re telling me you can’t…fuck me, Dane. That’s not on. You can and you will or my boot will be so far up your arse.”

  My mind had turned to one big long river of pain. I was doing my best to disassociate my mind from my body in the hope of getting through the workout.

  “Did I hear my name mentioned in vain?” I’d know that voice anywhere. In fact, it was both welcome and unwanted right now. A big part of me didn’t want Xander to see how much I was hurting.

  “Ah, our champion returns. Maybe you can remind Dane here about what it takes to own the belt.”

  “Give him a break, Reed; he looks dead on his feet or rather the mats. What the hell have you been doing to him?” I didn’t want Xander’s sympathy. I wanted his respect. Somehow, I managed to move my body up and down another two times

  “Just the normal and then we’ve been going at the pads for a couple of hours.”

  “Fuck, man. That’s insane. Two hours hitting the pads like you want, would kill anyone.” I was paused at the top of the push-up my arms shaking like palm trees in a cyclone. “How many more’s he got?”

  “Four,” Reed sounded fucked off.

  Xander dropped down to the mats beside me and twisted his head so I could see his face. “You got this, mate. Come on we’ll do them together. Let’s do em quick and then you can take a break.”

  A break…that sounded great. In fact, right about now I’d even go as far to say I’d give up sex for a month if I could have that break.

  “One,” Xander called and we both lowered and raised together just like we’d done thousands of times before over the years.

  “Two.” It was brutal and the sweat that covered my entire body was stinging my eyes so bad.

  “Three.” Don’t think about it. I tried to switch my mind to black and that only seemed to intensify the pain.

  “Four.” My body dropped and somehow I managed to prevent myself from head butting the floor, leading with my nose. I summoned every last molecule of strength I had left and pressed up then immediately let my body crash to the floor, only just managing to twist my head to the side before I collided with the mats.

  “Take a break, man,” Xan called and bounced back to his feet. “He’s spent, Reed. Why have you had him going for two hours on the pads? After you’ve run him, done a grappling session and whatever other sick shit you could think up.”

  “He needs to be fitter, stronger,” Reed said defensively. “He needs to drop more kilos.”

  “Fuck, there’s also that concept of overtraining and just how much more weight does he need to lose? He should be fine for weight by the look of him.” I didn’t know how I felt about Xander going on the defensive for me. I might not be able to lift my head just yet, but I could certainly see them clearly facing off against each other in the mirrors, of Onigashima.

  “He’s got another two kilos to lose this week. I want him to only have to drop five through the cut.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about? He doesn’t need to lose that much to fight at 94 kilos. He’ll make that easy. Shit—I reckon he’s there about now, and he hasn’t even done the cut.”

  Slowly, I managed to roll back to my knees with the help of my hands planted on my thighs to keep my body braced upright.

  Reed looked sheepish and turned away from Xander for a moment, but Xander was too quick and knew our trainer too well.

  “What the fuck aren’t you telling me, Reed?”

  “He’s fighting middleweight—main event.”

  “You’ve done what? The main event against Warren Cummins? You want him to get down to 83.9kgs? Have you lost your fucking mind? He’s six, two and built like a fucking tank. You’re going to kill him,” Xander roared. I don’t think I’d ever seen him so pissed.

  Reed bristled up like the scrapper he was. “Listen here, Pretty Boy. Just because you’re high off a big arsed win in Vegas and you’ve spent the last two weeks doing nothing but boning your wife, that doesn’t give you the right to come in here and tell me how to train my fighter.”

  The next thing that happened shocked the hell out of me. Xander’s right fist flashed out and struck Reed fair in the jaw with a brutal right jab. The shock and the force sent him staggering back. Reed was taken totally by surprise—so was I.

  Xander’s eyes were as black as I’d ever seen them.

  “Yeah, I’ve warned you before about disrespecting my wife. I thought we were through that. Remember whose dojo you’re standing in as well, mate. You demand respect, well man I’ve earned yours time and time again. You will respect me, my wife and my friends, or I’ll be happy to show you the door regardless of our history. This is your first and last warning.”

  Reed looked pissed, but wisely said nothing. Xander was normally so controlled. It was very rare to see his temper.

  Xander turned to me and offered me a hand, pulling me up. “Go hit the showers. You’re done for the day. I’m going to review your program with Reed and see how we can get you through the next ten days without killing you. Because I’m guessing there’s no getting out of this fight.” Xander glared at Reed.

  I gladly stagg
ered off to the locker room.

  I didn’t know how I felt about Xander butting into my program. He was my best mate. It kind of felt weird and a little like I needed him to rescue my sorry arse.

  Although, on the other hand, he was an undefeated professional fighter that knew more about the sport than just about anyone else on the planet. Yeah, I’d be nuts to not want him in my corner, even if it did kind of hurt my own stupid pride.

  The water ran over me and felt awesome as I washed the sweat away. Pity it wasn’t quite as easy to wash the exhaustion away as well. I only hoped to God it wasn’t going to get awkward. I’d been training with Seth since he and Reed got back a day or so after me. I wanted Xander as part of my crew.

  Fuck, he’d never had a fight without me in in his corner and I wanted the same. I was just worried as hell at how weird it was all going to get.

  A few minutes later, I was dressed and headed back to the front of the dojo. Onigashima was mostly deserted during the day. Mornings and late afternoons into the night were the peak times. I could hear Reed and Xander talking in his office as I drew closer. I halted against the wall alongside the office. They wouldn’t see me and I couldn’t see them, but neither were very good at keeping their voices down.

  “He needs tomorrow off,” I heard Xander argue. “He’s exhausted. I’ll take him out for a light jog on Saturday morning and do a little sparring.”

  “He needs another solid day,” Reed countered.

  “He won’t survive another solid day and come back for the fight. You must’ve driven him into the ground these last couple of weeks.” Xander sounded really pissed. “You’ll have him losing muscle strength if you’re not careful.”

  “Dane doesn’t have the work ethic that you have. He’ll quit when it gets tough, I’m knocking the quit out of him.” That hurt…

  “You fucking idiot. Dane never quits. He’s the most reliable person I know. Your problem is that you’ve never recognised what a supremely gifted athlete he is. Lucky fucker has never had to go as hard as I do because he’s genetically blessed. That doesn’t mean he’s less, just different. You can’t train him like you train me. We’re two different people. Tell me this—when you convinced him to take the fight, did you actually think he could win?”