Dreamspinner Press Year Eight Greatest Hits

by Brandon Witt

He’d known it wasn’t going to be easy, that it wasn’t going to stay a secret. He’d known there was going to be talk. Somehow, despite knowing, he’d managed to convince himself otherwise, even after Caleb’s altercation. Travis had always been a master at self-deception.

  Shannon would be fine if he slept with guys. She’d said so.

  His attraction to guys would go away.

  Shannon wasn’t going to die. The doctor swore she’d be fine.

  He wasn’t drinking too much. He was a grown-up; he could do what he needed to do.

  He could do this thing with Wesley. It wasn’t going to be a big deal.

  Travis and Jason stared at each other, neither speaking.

  “Oh, get a grip, you two.” Krissy’s voice was flippant, almost an assault to the tension between the two men. “So Mr. Bennett likes guys now. So what? Have you turned on the TV lately? Not such a big deal.”

  Travis looked over at her. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew she meant well. He even realized she was defending him. “Krissy, why don’t you head on home? Take the rest of the day off. I’ll still pay ya.”

  She blanched. “I’m sorry, Mr. Bennett. I wasn’t trying to stick my nose in anything. I won’t say anything to—”

  He waved her off. “Everything’s fine. Looks like everybody knows.” He pulled apart the stapled bag and removed her chili dog, then slid it across the counter. “Just head on home. We’ll see ya tomorrow.”

  Krissy looked skeptical but picked up her lunch, jacket, keys, and purse and walked to the door. Before she opened it, she turned back to them. “Really, Mr. Bennett. It’s not such a big deal. And Mr….” She circled her hand in the air, searching. “The vet’s real cute. You could do a lot worse.”

  It took effort for him to keep from groaning. He wanted to dig a hole in the middle of the floor and then crawl in and die. “Will you flip over to the closed sign too?”

  She rolled her eyes and complied before letting in a cold rush of air as she stepped outside.

  After she left, the tension increased. He and Jason stood where they were—neither moving, neither speaking.

  A full two minutes passed.

  Travis was the one to crack. He motioned toward the bag of food. “I know you wanna eat. Go ahead before it gets cold.”

  Jason didn’t even look at the food, which told Travis just how serious this was. His friend opened his mouth, looked like he was getting ready to say something, and closed it.

  “Oh, just say it, Jason. Whatever you’re gonna say, just get it out already.”

  Again Jason made to speak, but no words came. Not a sound. He just looked away.

  “Fine, Baker. I’ll do it. What? Are you disgusted? Are you grossed out? You gonna tell me I’m not a man?” Travis had started out calm, his voice almost sounding soothing; however, with each syllable his volume grew, the last words spewing in anger. “Are you gonna tell me how it’s a sin? Please do. I’d love to hear about my sins from the biggest man-whore in the tristate area!”

  When Jason spoke, his words were more of a guttural groan than anything else. “I don’t even know who you are.”

  Travis didn’t flinch. “That’s shit. You know exactly who I am. We’ve been best friends for twenty fucking years.”

  Jason nodded. “Yep, and now there’s this. All of a sudden you like fucking guys.”

  “What, you jealous I didn’t try to fuck you? Can’t believe someone wouldn’t actually want to get in your disease-ridden pants?” Even as he lashed out, Travis wished he could take the words back. But he couldn’t, and he felt more coming. There wasn’t even beer to blame.

  Grimacing at the comment, Jason shook his head in distaste. “Is this just some new part of missing Shannon? You just lonely or some shit? I get that. You just need to get off or something?”

  “This has nothing to do with Shannon!” Travis slammed a fist on the counter.

  “You bet it doesn’t. She’d be sick to know what you’re doing.”

  Travis let out a warning growl. “She knew.”

  This time Jason flinched. “That is fucked up, dude. I can’t believe you’d disrespect her, talking like that.”

  “She. Knew. She knew before we ever even got married.”

  Another flinch, then a pause. Sadness fell over Jason’s features. “Like I said, I guess I don’t even know you.”

  Travis’s anger fled, leaving a panicked desperation in its place. “Is it really so bad, Jason? I know you really don’t give a shit what all those Bible-thumpers say.”

  “Fuck that. You know better.” Jason’s tongue darted out, wetting his lips. “You’re just not who I thought you were. I’ve always looked up to you. Always admired you. Thought of you as a brother.”

  “We are brothers, Jason.”

  Jason just shook his head. “Nah. I was wrong.”

  The times Travis had allowed his brain to travel down the roads of what-ifs of this discussion with Jason, limited though they were, he had honestly believed Jason would just laugh and shrug it off like he did everything else. Jason was nothing but live and let live. “You seemed fine with Wesley. You even defended him against that shit Wallace.”

  “This ain’t about Wesley. I’m fine with him. Even kinda like him. He is what he is. I don’t have a problem with fags. I just….” Jason’s voice trailed off.

  Inside his head, Travis screamed at himself to keep silent. “You don’t have a problem with fags, but what? You just what?”

  Jason looked him full in the eye. “I just didn’t know you were one.”

  They stared at each other; then Jason nodded, turned, and walked around the counter.

  For a moment Travis thought his friend was coming to punch him in the face. Then, stupidly, he thought Jason was going to hug him.

  Jason did neither. He just walked past Travis and out the door.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  WESLEY COULDN’T get enough of running his hands over the bulky muscles of Travis’s chest. Travis had complained about how pale he was in a self-conscious manner on a couple of different occasions. Wesley loved it. It was so different from his own naturally sun-kissed skin. Even in the dim light slanting through his bedroom window, the freckled skin gleamed. The way Travis looked in these moments, sweaty after sex…. God, there was nothing sexier—damp red hair covering his heaving chest and belly as his breathing returned to normal, his fat cock glistening and growing soft on his hip, the subtle scents of musk, hay, and sun.

  There wasn’t much in the way of sex in which Wesley hadn’t indulged, and while he’d definitely been with more experienced partners, he’d never been with one with such hunger, such passion. It wasn’t a romantic passion necessarily, at least not in a sweet way, but it was all-consuming—the grunting, the force, the sweat—the pure animalistic nature that came over Travis while he was fucking.

  Wesley curled his fingers into the hair covering Travis’s belly, giving a light tug. “You are one bear of a man.”

  Travis snorted. A flush of embarrassment rose on his cheeks, visible even in the shadowed room.

  Wesley gave another tug. “Well, you are. My big red bear of a man.”

  A self-conscious smile played at the corners of Travis’s mouth.

  Wesley was glad Travis didn’t try to cover his belly and didn’t look uncomfortable at Wesley’s possessive term of endearment. If anything, it seemed as though Travis enjoyed the compliment. It was times like these that he struggled with refraining from professing his feelings.

  Maybe Travis wouldn’t freak out if Wesley said the L-word, but he didn’t want to risk it.

  Of course, there was a good chance he’d freak out himself if he used the L-word.

  It was too soon.

  Too new.

  Still, in the dead of the night, when Travis came to Wesley’s house after his kids had gone to sleep, when he was naked and sweaty in Wesley’s bed, no other word seemed to suffice.

  Sure, maybe “at first lust” would have been appropriate
. Not anymore, though lust was still there in spades. Thank God! But there was more.

  At times Wesley was pretty sure Travis was on the edge of saying it as well, sometimes even when sex was nowhere close to being in the picture.

  He was pretty sure when Travis caught his gaze over dinner, or across the room while they watched a movie with the kids and Wendy.

  He was pretty sure when Travis nervously put a large hand over his leg as they were driving to Nevada or Collins for a date—Wesley still felt like a teenager every time Travis asked him if he wanted to go on a date.

  He was pretty sure when he was on the living room floor of the Bennett house playing with Dunkyn and Dolan and would look up to see Travis watching him.

  He was pretty sure when Travis was beside him in bed, having just shot his load or dozing off. Wesley couldn’t help but fantasize about sleeping in their house, in their bed.

  Maybe he really was a teenage girl.

  Wesley no longer wanted the white picket fence. He didn’t want commitment or promise, nothing that could be broken. He didn’t want a marriage, legal or otherwise.

  He didn’t want it.

  Actually, he’d thought he didn’t want it. However, with Travis beside him, he did.

  God, he was screwed.

  Travis was sexy as hell. Sweet and kind, in his own way. Great in bed… great… it was no wonder the man had three kids. He was just this manly combination of things Wesley found irresistible.

  He was dangerous. He was going to break Wesley’s heart.

  “You okay?”

  Wesley looked over, seeing Travis looking at him. “Huh?”

  Travis’s brows creased in concern. “Are you okay? You got really tense all of a sudden.”

  Wesley exhaled, trying to make his voice normal. “Oh, yeah. I’m totally fine.” I’m scared shitless.

  “Did I hurt you?”

  Despite his stress, Wesley laughed. “No. Well, no more than I like.” He reached down and patted Travis’s limp cock. “You’re a big boy.”

  Travis’s chest swelled in an adorably sweet, proud way.

  “Don’t get cocky.”

  “I’m ready to go again, if you want.”

  “Give me a minute to recover, but I’m not gonna turn you down.” Wesley ran his hand up over Travis’s body, relishing the pure mass and strength the man radiated. “For a man in his forties, you’ve got the libido of a twenty-year-old.”

  Travis reached out and pulled Wesley closer to him, causing Wesley to groan at the touch. “If we get to a place where we don’t have to use condoms, it will get even worse. I’d forgotten how much I hate those things.”

  God! The thought of Travis inside him raw—it took everything in Wesley not to throw caution into the wind and take that next step now. There wasn’t any real danger. He’d been tested and Travis hadn’t been with anyone besides Shannon in two decades. Still, it wasn’t time. Not yet.

  “That wasn’t me pushing.” The teasing tone left Travis’s voice. “Really.”

  “Oh, I know. I just wish we could. That sounds so good.”

  Travis lowered his head, bringing his lips to meet Wesley’s, his stubble scraping over Wesley’s already tender jaw.

  They kissed for a while.

  Wesley again battled to keep from saying something that would ruin everything. He’d promised himself he was going to wait for Travis to say it first. He was certain he saw Travis’s true feelings. He would have bet money Travis loved him. However, he wasn’t willing to bet their relationship on Travis not freaking out if Wesley said he loved him. It seemed Travis didn’t feel as though he was cheating on Shannon, but that might change if they labeled this as love.

  “You’re looking stressed again.”

  “Sorry. My brain is just working overtime tonight.” Wesley smiled, or at least tried to.

  Travis’s face was perfectly framed by the moonlight pouring through the bedroom window. “Wanna tell me about it?”

  “Nah. I’ll be fine.” Wesley shook his head, then successfully forced a smile. “Did I tell you that Iris Linley came into the clinic the other day? Horace had been eating extension cords.”

  Travis rolled his eyes. “She’s something. Drove Wendy crazy when she opened up the store. Complained about everything Wendy was doing. She was a lot more patient than I would have been. Shannon never cared for her, either, always felt like she was nothing but a gossip.”

  The first few times Shannon’s name had come up in casual conversation, Travis had gotten tense and Wesley knew their time together was about to be cut short. He took it as a good sign that Travis was able to talk about her without triggering the need to flee.

  “Iris is a little strange, no doubt, but she’s been nothing but friendly to me. Once in a while it seems forced—” Wesley repositioned himself, raising up to his side, propping his elbow on the pillow, matching Travis’s position. “—but I’d rather that than her being a bitch about it. Even if she’s uncomfortable with the whole gay thing, at least she’s making an effort.”

  “She’s my least concern.”

  Wesley grinned inwardly. Travis hadn’t even flinched at the word gay. Baby steps. Baby steps. “I kinda like her, actually. I can’t stand her mean cat, but she seems pretty harmless. She’s asked me twice now if I am planning on working with the kids at church. As if!”

  Travis’s expression darkened. “She goes to the Holy Church. Same place Wendy takes the kids. I know there was some incident with a gay youth pastor or something there a few years back. It was before Caleb was old enough to be in the youth group, and it was around the time Shannon was getting sick. I didn’t pay much attention, to be honest.” His brows furrowed again. “I think there was even something in the paper about it, possibly from Iris, actually.”

  “Hard to imagine a gay youth pastor. I can’t even fathom that in Kansas City, let alone here in El Do. I’ve heard about a gay-friendly church in KC, but I never went.”

  “No. Not my thing either.” Travis’s carefree expression was quickly evaporating. “My folks burnt me out on that as a kid.”

  Picking up on the change in Travis’s demeanor, Wesley tried to switch to something more positive. “Actually, I’d kinda forgotten already, but there was another lady in, right before Iris…. Carrie, I think, and she’d mentioned something about that too. She was nice. She knew I was gay and said that her kid was. Mentioned about us getting together when he returned from college.”

  Wesley’s words had the opposite of his desired effect.

  “It seems like everyone is talking about us. Wendy keeps telling me I’m imagining it, but I’m not. People are treating me differently. Even Shannon’s folks are acting strange. If people are actually coming into Cheryl’s and mentioning it, then there’s even more proof.”

  “I thought Caleb hadn’t had any more drama around it.”

  Travis shrugged. “Well, he hasn’t been back long after his suspension, but I don’t think he’d tell me even if there was more drama. He’s trying to protect me.”

  Wesley slipped his hand into Travis’s, giving it a little squeeze. “It’s so easy to see how much he adores you.”

  Travis hesitated, looking as though he was struggling to find words.

  Wesley waited.

  At last Travis motioned between them with his free hand. “I feel selfish about this. And stupid. I guess I was just fooling myself to pretend this wouldn’t affect my kids.”

  Wesley’s heart sank. He’d worried about it long before anything had happened to Caleb at school. So many odds were stacked against him and Travis, but he doubted any were larger than how their relationship, or whatever it was, would affect Travis’s children. “I’m so sorry, Travis. The last thing I want to be is a source of stress or cause you pain. You or the kids.”

  “I know.” Again Travis paused, searching.

  The first few times Wesley had jumped in, attempting to provide feedback or his own thoughts, trying to help Travis. However, he’d quickly real
ized the other man simply needed time to process his own thoughts.

  “You know, part of me thinks this might be good. That it’s what I need to give my kids. Let them see you need to be strong enough to be who you are. Not give a fuck about what anyone else thinks or says. I’m so crazy proud of how strong Caleb proved himself to be the other day.”

  Wesley nodded. He’d been amazed when Wendy had told him about it, touched at the emotion Travis showed when he’d relayed the story later. Wesley had already really liked the kid, but his admiration had skyrocketed hearing about what Caleb had done. “He’s an amazing kid.”

  Travis smiled, but it was a sad, forced kind of smile. “Yeah. He really is. I’m lucky Caleb’s my son. And the twins are lucky he’s their brother. If it hadn’t been for him and Wendy, I’m not sure what would have happened to them.”

  It had been hard hearing Travis speak about the year or so after Shannon’s death—his drinking, his angry outbursts, how he’d basically abandoned his children as he got lost in his own grief—he was there, but not there at all.

  Wesley couldn’t blame him. Hell, he’d been the same way after Todd left him and that had just been a breakup, without any kids involved. The shame that radiated from Travis the few times it had come up was agonizing.

  Wesley searched for the right thing to say, something supportive that would validate Travis’s feelings, but wouldn’t harm their relationship. There was no more dangerous ground than this, and he knew it.

  Travis didn’t give him a chance.

  “I really do feel that way, like I’m giving them an example of living life how they see fit. Not to cave to other people’s expectations. And honestly, I don’t give a shit what anybody thinks. As long as the kids and Wendy are okay with us”—again he motioned between them, and Wesley’s heart soared back up at the implied suggestion of their pairing—“I don’t give a fuck what anyone else says. Not even my parents or Jason.”

  Wesley wondered at the specific mention of those two choices. Travis hadn’t said anything, but he was willing to bet there was a reason he used them as an example.

  Travis had kept fairly consistent eye contact throughout the conversation, but as he continued, he seemed to focus on something on the wall behind Wesley’s head. “I’m starting to wonder if I’m just using that as an excuse, though. A reason to justify what I want. Maybe I’m telling myself that so I can be selfish. Letting my kids face whatever teasing or… prejudice or whatever, so I can be with you.”