by T. K. Chapin
“Awesome. We have what, two days left at the inn?” he asked.
“Yeah. Serenah and I talked again. She knows you took off.” That was something that would drive him nuts, I thought.
“That’s good you have someone you can talk to.”
Raising an eyebrow, I said, “Well, that’s interesting, since you freaked out the other day about it.”
“I was being selfish and prideful—both sins.”
A burst of laughter erupted from my lips, and I quickly tried to cover my mouth. “I’m sorry,” I said with a shrug. “I don’t buy it, dude!”
“You don’t have to buy it. I have a month to convince you I’m changed.”
“Just because you’re changed doesn’t mean I can live with you the rest of my life, Nathan.” The server returned to our table with his food, and he began to eat. My insides relaxed as there was some sort of plan to this chaos and an end in sight. We’d be okay in a month, or I’d be leaving in a month.
Chapter 7
After our meal at the diner, our daughter, Jenny, called Nathan’s phone. I had thought little of the children since everything had happened. We found a bench not far from the diner and sat. A little closer than I preferred, but I wanted to make sure Jenny could hear my voice. “How’s it going with Grandma and Grandpa?” I asked.
“It’s good. Grandma showed us a bunch of photos of Dad when he was a baby . . .” She broke out into laughter. “You were such an ugly baby, Dad! That big head!”
Nathan let out a laugh. “Don’t be mean! I turned into quite the stud!”
I flashed him an eye roll. Jenny went on to tell us about how she and Dakota took a hike up the hill on the property. They even made it to the top and found the tree Nathan had carved our names into when we were dating. The memory danced through my mind, and for a moment, I wasn’t thinking about his betrayal.
“Did you guys make out up there?” Jenny pressed.
“Jennifer!” I said as I went red in embarrassment. Nathan and I made eye contact for a moment, but I quickly broke away. We had more memories up on that hill than I could possibly try to count or would be appropriate for retelling to our daughter.
“Grandma said Daddy asked you to marry him up there.”
My mind jumped back through time to the day. It hurt for the memory to come, knowing what I knew now, but I couldn’t stop it.
We had been on a hike up to the top for a romantic picnic. We enjoyed those a lot in our youth since it was the only way we could be alone. That day, Nathan was in charge of packing the lunches and water bottles, but he forgot a very important thing—the lunch. After our bottles of water, he got down on a knee, and with a light breeze blowing in from the north, he asked me to marry him. He said if I said ‘yes’, that the event would make human history, for no other person alive could ever be made happier than him. The once-beautiful memory was now tainted with a vein of darkness. It pained me to relive it.
“What did you love most about Dad when you guys were dating?” Jenny asked.
Overwrought with emotional turmoil, I stood as my eyes watered and walked away from the bench. I needed to get away from that conversation. Stopping at a large iron horse randomly placed down the way from the bench, I peered up at the early evening sky. I looked at the clouds and prayed for God to give me strength and control over how I was feeling. Until this point, I hadn’t thought about the impact of divorce on the kids. I was focused on myself and my own happiness. A part of me felt bad about that, but it was my marriage, not my children’s. I knew I shouldn’t stay with Nathan because of the kids, but they did weigh heavily on my mind in the moment.
Turning back toward the bench, I saw Nathan on the phone with Jenny. He was smiling and laughing like nothing was wrong. That was the right thing to do though. It wasn’t fair to bring them into the middle of it right now.
A few moments later, Nathan hung up and walked over to me. “You all right?”
I nodded.
“I had no idea that my mom would bust out the old photo album.”
“I know,” I replied. “I love you too much to just walk away from this marriage, Nathan, but I don’t like you right now. It’s my love that made me say ‘yes’ to a month, but I honestly don’t think this can really work out.”
He grabbed my hands and looked into my eyes with the same fear I had inside me. “I know. It seems unresolvable and there’s so much pain. But we serve a God that does the impossible. Let’s see what God can do before we get too drastic.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks and I took a deep breath in. Letting it escape my lips, I replied, “Okay. We’ll give it a try.”
**
The fireplace back in the inn was roaring when we walked in the front door. Serenah called out from around the fireplace in the living room. “Is that you, Elizabeth?”
I glanced at Nathan, and he flashed me a curt nod in approval. We ventured into the living room to find Serenah and Charlie sitting on one of the couches. He had one arm around her shoulders while he held a cup of iced tea in the other. They both smiled.
“Did you two want to join us?” Serenah asked.
Before I could say ‘no’, Nathan said, “Yes.”
Raising an eyebrow, I looked at him. “Really?”
“Yeah. Why not?” Nathan replied as he walked over to the other couch in the room and took a seat.
Serenah hopped up and set her glass of iced tea down on the coffee table. “Let me get you guys something to drink. We have iced tea, water, and cola.”
“Cola would be great,” Nathan said. “I’m parched.” Serenah nodded and glanced over at me.
“Water for me,” I replied, smiling as I joined Nathan on the couch. This was different and nice, but I knew Nathan was just trying to please me.
“Did you get the paddle boat repaired?” Nathan asked, looking over at Charlie as Serenah went into the kitchen.
Finishing the last part of his cup of iced tea, Charlie set it down on a coaster beside him on an end table. “Yeah. It keeps leaking in this same spot, and I keep repairing it, but I think it’s just going to need replaced.”
“Oh, wow. How much do they run?” Nathan asked, crossing a leg over his knee.
“I could get one for about five hundred or so.”
Serenah returned with our drinks and smiled at me as she handed me my glass of water. She looked thrilled to see that Nathan had returned to the inn with me. I was happy too, but I was scared. I didn’t trust him, and I had questions about the affair that I had to combat almost constantly.
“I see,” Nathan replied to Charlie. “Think we might try the canoe out again tomorrow—weather permitting, of course.”
I laughed.
“That should be fun,” Serenah said. “Oh, you know what? You guys should check out the walking path across the lake.”
“Where at?” I asked.
“It loops up around that empty summer campground. The one with the buildings with green roofs. There’s a really neat old church building back there, all dilapidated and whatnot.” Serenah smiled over at Charlie. “That’s where Charlie made his proposal to me. It was in the dead of winter and a little chilly, but the snow made for such a beautiful scene to remember the moment.” She got up and went over into the other living room and grabbed a picture frame from a bookshelf. Walking back over, she showed it to me. “Isn’t that gorgeous?”
“Really is,” I replied as I smoothed my thumb over the glass. The shot was of Charlie on his knee and Serenah with her hand out. They were bundled up like a couple of Eskimos at the North Pole. “Who took the picture?”
“I brought a tripod in my backpack,” Charlie said.
Nathan leaned over and looked. “Looks like fun. We’ll have to check it out. We used to go on hikes and explore ruins all the time. Remember that trip to that one ghost town in Montana?”
I nodded. “We love history.”
That evening, I saw Nathan talk, laugh and smile like I hadn’t seen in a long time. His kindne
ss and social skills shining didn’t change the reality of what had happened. What he had done. What I had done. And though it didn’t lessen the anger, hurt and pain I felt inside, I knew God requires me to forgive. Not when convenient, not when it feels right, but to forgive. It wasn’t about me and Nathan as much as it was between me and God. That reality set into me, and though it was hard to swallow, I knew I had to do it.
**
Waking in the middle of the night, I slipped out of bed to retrieve a bottle of water from the mini-fridge in the closet. After taking a drink, I lowered the bottle and could see out onto the balcony where Nathan was asleep. His feet were partially uncovered due to the small throw blanket covering him being too small. I felt bad. Seeing my own blanket from home plus the comforter on the bed in the room, I knew what I needed to do. Setting my water bottle down on the night stand, I took my blanket out to him and covered my husband up. He was sleeping like a rock even though it was cold outside. After covering him, I surveyed his face and his closed eyes. My heart felt a sting. Just looking at him hurt. Why’d you have to do it, Nathan? Was it truly because of what I did to you? Was it revenge? Though I had a million questions in my mind about his affair, I kept them to myself. I was scared to know the truths that lay between the details of his unfaithfulness. If thoughts had the power to kill, my imagination would have already killed me by now.
As I turned and went back inside, I heard Nathan wake up from the sound of the door opening. Looking over my shoulder at him, I saw his eyes glancing down at my blanket strewn across his mid-section, and he smiled. “Thank you.”
Stopping in the open door, I said, “You looked cold.” I went back inside. Before I could shut the door, he jumped up from under the covers and stopped the door from shutting. “What?”
“Can we talk?” he asked.
“It’s like three in the morning, Nathan. We can talk tomorrow.”
He shook his head and raised his eyebrows. “Please?”
“Okay,” I replied, letting loose the door so he could come in. We walked over to the bed and sat. He took my hand in his, but he wasn’t saying anything. After a moment, I said, “Come on, Nathan. I’m falling asleep. Let’s talk in the morning. I’m tired.”
“Why haven’t you asked any details about the affair? I know you kind of did, but you’ve drilled me with a slew of questions over a simple business convention before. I just expected more.”
My heart felt like it skipped a beat. “Well, I haven’t asked because I’m scared to know the details. I don’t want that in my mind.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
“You do need to quit your job. You know . . . if we end up staying together—which I’m not saying is happening. You think you can really quit your job?”
“I’d do anything to keep you, Lizzy.”
Though his words were dipped in tenderness and I could tell he was being truthful, I couldn’t help but not to trust him. “Shouldn’t have ever done it if you wanted to keep me so badly, Nathan.”
“I’ll quit my job right now.” He pulled his cellphone out from his pocket and began texting. “I’m texting Alex right now to let him know I won’t be back.”
Panic gripped my core as I thought about all the income going out the window. I clung to his arm. “How will we survive? Bills? Everything?”
He paused and looked at me. “We’ll figure it out. God will provide.” He took my hand and said, “Let’s pray.” We bowed our heads, and he led the prayer. “Heavenly Father, we come to You right now and give you this marriage and our finances. Help us not to worry in our time of need, but to trust You, God. For it is You who can heal this marriage, for it is You alone who knows the future and what will come of it. Please, Lord, comfort us. In Your Heavenly name we pray, Amen.”
In the wee hours of the morning on that fifth day of June, I saw something I hadn’t ever seen in my husband. A pure and undeniable faith in God. Sure, we went to church four years ago, but it was just the motions of doing the thing we thought was right. This, though. This was real. He worked so hard to get that job and get that career going, and he was ready to toss it away. And he did just that—he quit.
Chapter 8
Rolling over in bed the next morning, I saw Nathan outside on the balcony. Behind the closed French doors, I could see he was on the phone and looked upset. My first thought was he was on the phone with Alex, then when I saw him wipe a tear from his eye, I thought the worst. Was he talking to her? Did he never break it off? My pulse raced as I quickly got out from the covers and went over to the door. Opening it, I heard him ending the call.
“We’ll be in touch,” he said. Hanging up the phone, he turned and jumped a little. “Good morning.”
“Startled?”
“Yeah, I didn’t hear you come out . . .”
“You’re up rather early.” My eyes scanned him head to toe. A clean pair of shorts and a button up shirt were an easy indicator he had been up for a while.
“Alex called, so I needed to do some explaining to him. Then I just got in the shower and got ready.”
My eyes turned to his cellphone in his hand. “Then who were you talking to if you talked to Alex before the shower?”
“My father.” He slipped his phone into his pocket and took a step closer. Touching my arms gently, he tilted his head as he gave me a soft look of genuine concern. “You okay?”
I let out a sigh as I shook my head. “I’m struggling with trusting you. I thought maybe it was that woman.”
“No, I haven’t talked to her since I broke it off. Look, I understand you’re upset and not trusting me. It hasn’t even been a day. It’s going to take some time. Just tell me whatever you need, and I’ll give it to you. Truly—anything.”
My eyes trained on his shorts pocket that held his phone.
He pulled it out and handed it over to me. “Check it all out. I’m freely open to anything you need.”
Glaring at him for a moment, I unlocked his phone and checked the call log. His story matched. But he could have erased her from the log. Ugh! Giving it back to him, I said, “I feel like an idiot. Checking your phone?” Pressing my hand against my forehead, I continued, “I get what I want and it’s not even enough for my crazy mind! I feel like I could go through all your emails and pore over the phone bills, and I’d never be content with what I find.”
He pressed his lips together to form a thin line as he put the phone back in his pocket. Giving me a nod, he sighed. “I’m sorry. It’s my entire fault with what is going on in your head. It’s going to be that way for a while, probably. You’ll have to learn to trust me again. I’ve lost that right, and I get that.”
A power tool fired up from beyond the balcony, coming from the direction of the shore. Looking past Nathan, I could see through the slats of wood and down to the grass near the shore. There was a group of guys and a pile of wood beside them.
Nathan glanced over his shoulder and said, “They’re building something down there. Not sure what. Charlie was there a bit earlier and waved up at me.”
“Hmm,” I replied, walking past him and to the railing. There were two men hauling wood down the side of the house and down to the grass.
“We should get going on that canoe ride,” Nathan said, coming to my side. He touched my shoulder.
“All right,” I replied. “Let me get ready.” Turning around, I went inside and to the bathroom. Nathan stayed behind on the balcony.
After I got changed, I ran a brush through my hair in the bathroom. As I stood in front of the mirror, I smiled when I saw Nathan come through the door. When he placed his hands on my hips, I felt a rush of warmth come through me. I had forgotten the affair, if only for a moment. Then, as his hands came up my sides, I remembered. Tears started, and I shifted out of his hands, turning away from him.
“Lizzy,” he said gently.
“Sorry. I’m just not in the mood right now.” I wiped my eyes and said, “I don’t know what to do. This is so hard.” My chin dipped to my
chest.
He turned me around and lifted my chin with his finger. Looking into my eyes, he said, “I love you. I know it’s hard. I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable with my touch.”
I shook my head. “I want this to work. I really do. I just don’t know how.”
He nodded slowly as he pushed a strand of hair from my eyes and behind my ear. “We have to let God help us, Lizzy. It’s going to take time, God, and probably some counseling too.”
“Counseling? You refused to go—”
He raised a hand. “I know.” He shook his head. “But not anymore. When we get back to Spokane, we’ll go. I promise.”
“Thank you.”
“We’re only going to get better if we can focus on God and pray through the pain together. Can I pray with you right now?” he asked.
“Please,” I said in a soft tone as I bowed my head.
“God,” Nathan’s voice was gentle as he continued, “We’re two sinners who love You and want to honor You. We’ve messed up and come to You broken. We don’t know what the future holds, but we know we need You. Help us, Lord. Amen.”
“Amen,” I replied, wiping my eyes.
Nathan dipped his chin, and a small smile broke from his lips. “I love you, Lizzy, and I’m so thankful you’re trying to make this work with me. Don’t mistake my smiles and joy for not acknowledging what’s going on here. I just want to focus on the good while we work through this.”
“You don’t know how much that means to me,” I replied. “I love you, Nathan.”
Turning back around, I finished getting ready to leave for our trip across the lake. While this trip was becoming more transformative than I ever anticipated, I was thankful for whatever might come from it.