by T. K. Chapin
As Nathan’s face grimaced, I felt the sting of his pain course through me. He began to cry, sending my heartache for him further into my soul. Glancing at my chest for a second and then back into my eyes, he covered his mouth with his hand.
I continued, “They did a biopsy four days ago. I’ve been waiting on the test results—”
Tears poured from his eyes as he closed the remaining distance between us. I hadn’t seen him cry more than once or twice in our lives together. Pulling me into his arms, he grabbed me in an embrace.
We cried together.
After a few moments passed, we wiped our eyes and it was if a different man stood in front of me. Nathan wasn’t the same. He kept looking at me, like he hadn’t seen me in a long time. Then he asked, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to worry you.”
His jaw trembled as more tears started. Shaking his head, he said, “I’m so sorry I made you feel like that. I want you to be able to tell me anything.”
“You’re not mad?” I asked.
He shook his head as his hand framed my face. His eyes looked so worried, so concerned. A part of him was revealed that I thought was gone like the days of our youth. “No, honey. I’m not mad.” His eyes turned to the nightstand. “So was that the doctor calling with the results?”
I nodded.
We went over, and I grabbed my phone to call them back. As the phone rang on speaker, Nathan kept looking into my eyes. His gentle touch against my arm made me feel safe. The newfound care I saw in him was bizarre and not at all what I had expected.
“Dr. Hammer’s office, how can I help you?” the receptionist answered.
“Hi, this is Elizabeth Collins. I had a biopsy done on Thursday, and I think someone tried calling with the results.”
“Just a moment while I place you on hold.”
As the music came on the line, Nathan began crying again. Placing a hand on his shoulder, I said, “It’s going to be okay, Nathan.”
Though I was freaked out about it as much as he was, I could keep myself composed. My initial reaction when they found the lump during the mammogram was a different story. I had lost all control of my emotions right there in the doctor’s office and cried hysterically. A nurse even had to calm me down.
“Mrs. Collins?” the receptionist came back on the line saying.
“Yes.”
“Let me transfer you back to the nurse.”
The phone rang as my thoughts raced. If it was okay, she would have just told me. This isn’t good. Nathan wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in tight as we waited for what felt like an eternity.
“This is Betty. This Elizabeth?”
“Yes,” I replied curtly.
“The biopsy came back fine. We’ll want to keep an eye on it, but for now, you’re okay.” As she continued on about the need for regular self-examination and keeping annual appointments in the future, my mind went straight to the throne room of God. Thank you, Lord. Thank you. Nathan rubbed my shoulder and wept into it as we both breathed a heavy sigh of relief.
After getting off the phone, I turned to Nathan. Expecting to see a smile, I saw something else. He looked conflicted. “What’s wrong?” I asked, touching his arm gently. “I thought this would be a time of celebration and happiness.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger as he looked down and continued to cry. “I’m so, so happy about the results . . .”
Furrowing my eyebrows, I shook my head. “Then what’s the problem?”
He lifted his eyes to meet mine. “I . . . I didn’t know how much I still loved you, Elizabeth. I did something bad. Really bad.”
Worry soared through every inch of my body. “What did you do? Did you have a drink in Newport?”
He shook his head and turned. Walking out to the balcony, he rested his hands on the railing outside. He dipped his head between his arms as if the world rested on his shoulders. Following him outside, I placed my hand on his back. “Talk to me.”
He lifted his eyes to look at me. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he held a look of fear behind his eyes. “I cheated on you.”
“What?” My moment of joy quickly faded and shock took over me.
He shook his head, and more tears came down his cheeks as he wiped them away.
“When? With whom?” I demanded.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Anger and wrath consumed me. I shoved him, and he lost his footing. “I don’t care if you don’t want to talk about it, Nathan! You’re going to talk about it right now. Tell me.”
He raised his hands up and said, “It lasted only a month, a long time ago. After Derek. It’s over now. We both have made mistakes here.”
“You hid it from me all this time?” I asked. Pressing my hand against my forehead, my shock turned into a deep anger.
“I’m so sorry,” he replied, bringing his hands up to touch my arms.
I stepped back. I asked, “Was it Stacy? From the Christmas party? The one I saw you talking to and she was laughing hysterically at your lame Santa joke?”
“No. It was a girl in accounting. Melissa. Look, it was a long time ago, and I don’t want anything to do with her.”
“What did you do with her? Was it physical or emotional?”
He dipped his head in shame.
“It’s over.” Turning, I left the balcony and went inside. Tears came as I crossed the floor to the bathroom. How could he? I slammed the bathroom door shut and locked it. Walking up to the mirror, I gazed at my swollen red eyes and the tears running down my face. Is this what I deserve? I make one mistake, so he goes out and cheats on me? My bottom lip trembled. What now, God? What now? Glancing over at Nathan’s new razor, I picked it up and broke it in half. Shave now, jerk!
A knock came from the door.
“Go away, Nathan,” I shouted over my shoulder.
“C’mon, Lizzy . . . let me in.” The nickname strummed a chord in my heart that hadn’t been touched in years. He hadn’t called me that since we were courting, almost two decades ago. How dare he use that name right now.
Scoffing, I went over to the door and opened it. “What, Nathaniel? What do you want? You want to justify to me how you only did what you did because of me?”
“No . . .” He stepped closer and touched both my arms, causing me to become nauseas as I thought of him with his floozy. Worming out of his touch, I took a step back.
“Don’t touch me.”
His eyes widened and welled with tears.
“How could you touch me after all you have done with her? I don’t want to see you. Please leave me alone and go do something.”
He shook his head. “Fine. Don’t forget what you said about what God wants here. Or maybe you only said that because it worked in your favor at the time?”
Frustrated at his accusations, I grabbed onto the edge of the door and swung it shut in his face. Collapsing on the bathroom floor, I folded into my palms and cried. As more tears poured down my cheeks, I felt my eyes become heavy as if I could sleep. Lying down against the cold tiles of the bathroom, I let the side of my face rest against the coolness. My sadness was too much to handle, and my eyes closed.
Chapter 6
A few hours passed and I awoke. As I stood up, I rubbed the back of my neck and peered over at the mirror. A part of me felt gone. What was left was a sad and empty woman who felt her world crumbling around her. Seeing my hair, I shook my head as my attention shifted to it. My hair was a mess. I walked over to the sink and splashed water on my face and ran a brush through my hair. Nathan’s infidelity pelted against my mind with every passing minute. I gave my heart to that man, and he smashed it like a bug. Not only did he cheat, he carried it with him for years before telling me. How many times did he meet with her? Did they go out together? Ugh. My eyes couldn’t help but water at the thoughts. It felt like I was in a nightmare with no way to wake up. We still had days left at the inn, but I wasn’t going to
wait to leave. Another night at this place with him would surely kill me. I needed to get back to Spokane and file for divorce as soon as I could.
Coming out of the bathroom, I saw all his clothing were gone and a note on the bed. Picking up the piece of paper, I read it.
Lizzy,
I know my words carry little weight right now, but I’m truly sorry. If you give me a chance, I’ll make this right—God willing. Meet me at Dixie’s Diner in Newport at four o’clock for dinner. I left because I figured you didn’t want me here right now.
Love,
Nathan
“Really?” I asked, dropping the note back on the bed.
Grabbing the duffel bag from across the floor, I began to pack all my clothing. As I rounded up my final few miscellaneous items around the room, a knock came from the door.
Leaving the duffel bag on the bed, I went over and opened it.
It was Serenah.
“Do you need any towels?” she asked. I saw her eyes gravitate to my duffel bag on the bed.
“I’m going to check out early and go home.”
Serenah nodded and said, “Is everything okay?”
My heart pounded, and tears instantly welled in my eyes. I shook my head.
She stepped into the room and set the towels on the end table. Putting an arm around me, she said, “It’s okay.”
“No it’s not,” I cried as I lay my head on the practical stranger’s shoulder. “My marriage is over.”
Shaking her head, Serenah looked at me. “Only if you allow it to be.”
“No. It’s too far gone, Serenah. You don’t even know. He—”
She grabbed my hand and said, “I don’t need to know the details of what’s happened. I know the Author of love and Inventor of marriage. I’m not trying to make you stay with a bad man, and I really feel odd saying all this because we don’t really know each other, but it was pressed onto my heart to speak with you just now. That’s why I brought the towels. At the very least, go to God before you make a decision.”
“Don’t feel weird about it. I know God uses people all the time.” I let out a sigh and nodded. “I will pray about it, but I won’t promise anything.”
She smiled. “I don’t expect you to promise me or anybody anything at all, Elizabeth. I’ll be down in the kitchen. If you decide to leave, just stop by and let me know.” As she walked out the door, I shut the door quietly behind her and then sat on the bed. Bringing my hands together, I prayed. I asked God for wisdom in the situation at hand. As I finished, I felt an overwhelming desire to open my Bible app on my phone and read Ruth—an old favorite book in the Bible that I hadn’t read in quite some time.
After finishing the book of Ruth, I turned the screen off and combed over the story in my mind. How did Ruth have so much faith in such uncertain times? Ruth’s husband had died, and she technically had no obligation to stay with her mother-in-law, Naomi, but she did. Naomi even permitted her to leave, but Ruth never left. She stayed. Though Ruth wasn’t in a marriage with Naomi, she put trust in God over the situation. In the end, it not only worked out for her, but she was blessed.
Quieting my mind, I closed my eyes and stretched out on the bed, letting my eyes focus on the ceiling as a small breeze blew through the open doors leading out to the balcony. In the distance, I could hear the faint sound of boats zipping by on the lake, but I remained focused on slowly quieting each part of my heart and mind.
Once cleared, I didn’t let another thought in, and I focused on remaining as still as possible as I closed my eyes. Minutes passed by, and my mind decided on its own to jump from nothingness to Nathan. My heart felt a jolt of pain rip through. It hurt to think about him.
The pain was so intense I could barely stand it, but I let it come over me.
Sadness.
Fear.
Hurt.
Guilt.
Sitting up quickly on the bed, I turned and looked out the open doors. All the intensity of emotions faded into the back of my mind.
Getting up, I walked out onto the balcony for a breath of clean summer air. Surveying the lake, my eyes eventually fell to the shoreline of the inn. I saw the canoe and thought about our trip on the water the other day. The yelling, the tipping over. Most of it was my own fault. How much am I responsible for his stepping out on me in our marriage? I wondered. Would he have done it if I’d never had that emotional fling with Derek? I pondered. Turning back to the room, I saw the letter on the bed. The idea of seeing that man again stung in the recesses of my soul, but he was still my husband and I needed to hear what he had to say.
**
The rest of the day leading up to my meeting with Nathan was spent praying, reading my Bible app, and watching as patrons of the lake sped across the water. While everyone seemed to be out partaking in the summertime activities, I was seeking God. The same God that had gotten me through the better part of my life and into my marriage. Though it wasn’t my fault that Nathan did what he did, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of guilt over the lack of relationship I had with God. And though Nathan and I left the church because of drama, I realized it was much more than that. After Nathan began making more money in life, my prayers slowed and my reliance on God dwindled too. Though my day brought a lot of confusion, what I did know by the time my cab arrived to pick me up for dinner was that I needed God more than ever. Whether I stayed with Nathan or we ended up separating, I needed God back in my life, and this time, forever.
“Dixie’s Diner in Newport, right?” the cab driver asked as I climbed into the back.
“Yes, please.” Looking out the window, I saw a bird flying from a tree branch out in the yard of the inn. The verse from Matthew 6:26 I read earlier pressed against my mind. They do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Knowing God was with me regardless of what I do or say or the way I act brought a comfort to me that was not of this world. My own sin-riddled mind was attacking me almost simultaneously as the Lord was helping me, but the fiery darts of the enemy would not stand a chance, no matter how much hurt they inflicted. Praying through the self-doubt and worry, I let God comfort me and push away the darkness that wanted to consume me.
Continuing to meditate and focus on God and His Word, I fought away all the doubts and sadness on my ride to the diner.
Arriving at the curb at Dixie’s, I paid the driver and got out. With the door to Dixie’s in front of me, my heart began to pound. Flashing in my mind was Nathan when he stormed out of the diner just the other day over the pettiness of my speaking with Serenah about our struggles. Walking up to the door, I opened it while I prayed and walked in, entrusting the meeting with Nathan to God. You showed me Your presence when I told him about the biopsy. Please, Lord, show me Your presence again.
Surveying the dining area inside, I saw Nathan across the restaurant in a booth that was near the back corner of the diner. My heart jumped into my throat and I almost cried on the spot, but I reined my emotions under control. Help me, Lord, I prayed as I walked in his direction. Nathan’s eyes lifted and met mine. What felt like a million pieces of glass tore through my chest as he smiled at me. How could he be smiling? Then the smile fell into a grimace as I didn’t return it.
Taking a seat, I said, “Hey.”
“Hey.” He seemed nervous as he fidgeted with his ring and then took a quick sip of the ice water in front of him. Placing it back on the napkin, he turned the cup and then brought his hands together in front of him. “I’m glad you decided to come.” His words were heavy and dripped with sincerity. Part of me just wanted him to freak out so I could be done, but he didn’t. He remained calm.
“What do you want to talk about, Nathan?” I finally asked.
“Let’s talk about how this is going to work moving forward.”
“It’s not. I already told you it’s over, from my point of view.”
“Then why’d you come here then?” he pressed. Reaching his hand acro
ss the table, he attempted to grab mine, but I pulled it away.
“I wanted to hear you out, but it sounds like you have nothing to say. This was a mistake.” I got up, but he grabbed my arm.
“No, wait. I do.” The same server from the other night—Miley— came over to our table. I sat back down. She took our orders for dinner. Chicken fried steak for Nathan, while I elected to just have a cup of coffee. My appetite wasn’t present. It hadn’t been since he broke the news to me about the affair. As the server left, Nathan looked at me again.
“Stop looking at me and just talk,” I said. “Otherwise, I’m just going to go.”
“I want to make this work. Our marriage.”
“Well, I don’t,” I replied bluntly as Miley returned with my coffee. I smiled at her and thanked her. She left the table again.
“Give me time to change your mind. One month.”
“A month?” I asked.
“Yeah. A month. Then after that, if you still want a divorce, go for it. I won’t even contest it.”
Furrowing my eyebrows at him, I said, “I don’t know about that, Nathan. What’s your plan? To sweet talk me and treat me nice for a month and think I’ll just magically love you again?”
“No,” he replied, shaking his head. “Please. Give me a month.”
“You won’t contest the divorce if I do this?” I asked as I contemplated his offer.
“Nope. I’ll give you everything.”
“Okay,” I replied. “So what does that entail? What’s first?”
“I’m coming back to the inn with you.”
“No way. Not okay,” I replied. “I can’t lie next to you in bed.”
“I’ll sleep on the floor or even out on the balcony,” he offered. His eyebrows were up, and he was serious.
I laughed at the mention of the outdoors. “The balcony?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. You sleep outside on that little balcony, and you can come back to the inn.” While I didn’t see our marriage coming back anytime soon, I did see some great entertainment coming my way. Knowing the low would be in the forties tonight, I felt a bit sinister in making him sleep out in the cold, but he deserved it. He lied for years, when I couldn’t even keep in the fact of Derek for a day!