All of You

by Christina Lee

  keeping a calm voice and a straight face.”

  “Fuck, Avery.” Bennett jumped up and started pacing. “I want to kill that bastard.”

  Hearing him say that gave me the courage I needed to go on. He did believe me, and deep down I

  had always known he would. I was just too chicken to admit it. I waited for him to get over his initial

  shock. He took a few deep breaths and then sat back down. “I’m sorry. Please, I want to hear the rest.”

  “I had this great boyfriend, and we were getting serious. I wanted my first time to be with Gavin.

  Not Tim.” Bennett cringed and I felt my pulse becoming more erratic. “I mean, I knew he’d be taking

  something I wasn’t offering. He’d be stealing it from me. So technically, he wouldn’t have been my

  first.”

  “Fucking scumbag,” Bennett mumbled to himself.

  “This one night, I had a feeling Tim was going to make it happen. My mom got sloppy drunk and I

  heard him telling her stuff about me. That I was dressing like a whore and that my boyfriend was a loser.

  He was setting the scene, turning my mother against me. I knew she’d never believe me over him,

  anyway. She was blindly in love with him.”

  Bennett squeezed his eyes shut, anticipating the rest.

  “So I hid a pair of scissors under my mattress. When he came into my room that night, I acted like I

  wanted him to be there, so I could catch him off guard.” I gulped in several breaths to keep my voice

  steady. “When he was really . . . getting into it, I reached for the scissors. I could have killed him,

  Bennett. And damn, I wanted to. But I told myself I was only going to scare him.”

  “God, Avery,” he grunted. “He could have overpowered you. Used the scissors on you instead.”

  “I knew that going in,” I said, tears burning my eyes. “But I was willing to take that risk over

  getting raped.”

  I watched as Bennett’s chest moved up and down in harsh breaths. He cupped my cheeks, his eyes wide, fear coursing through them.

  “I told him in a calm voice that my boyfriend had found out about us. And since Gavin’s father was

  the mayor, he was threatening to tell him.”

  When Bennett’s eyes locked on mine, I saw something different there. Something like admiration,

  or maybe respect. Maybe for the sixteen-year-old girl who had taken matters into her own hands. Who

  knew at that point she’d be completely on her own.

  I was in awe of her, too. For being so brave—so self-possessed. It was one of the reasons I still held

  on to her values, her ideals, her beliefs, so fiercely now.

  “I told Tim that if Gavin hadn’t heard from me by midnight, he was going to tell his father

  everything. And that stunned the hell out of him.” My tears had spilled over, and I couldn’t wipe them

  away fast enough. “And I used that opportunity to stab him in the arm. I didn’t go deep, but deep

  enough. And I warned him to never fucking touch me again.”

  My body started shaking, and Bennett pulled me onto his lap, his strong arms bracing me from

  behind. He covered us with the blanket and held me while I sobbed and trembled and relived that night

  in my memory.

  Getting it out again after all of those years felt like a release.

  It was liberating and terrifying all at once.

  “I am so sorry that happened to you.” Bennett kissed my head and whispered my name again and

  again, until finally there were no tears left and I sagged into his chest.

  “You’re so strong. So brave,” he whispered. He lifted me from the couch, and my arms cradled his

  neck. “Let me take care of you tonight.”

  He carried me to bed, gently pulled back the covers, and then tucked me in. He sat near the edge

  and stroked my head. “I can stay until you fall asleep.”

  I felt safe and calm when Bennett was around, and I didn’t want to be alone tonight.

  When I looked up at him, I saw that he was staring at his drawing, which I’d hung on the far wall. He brought my fingers to his lips and kissed the palm of my hand.

  I lifted back the covers to invite him in. “Please, Bennett.”

  His eyebrows drew together. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. I want to feel you next to me again.”

  He stripped down to his boxers, slid in behind me, and wrapped me against his chest. “Shhh . . .” I

  felt warm and protected in his arms.

  We didn’t speak. Only listened to each other’s soft breaths. I could feel his heartbeat against my

  back. It was a strong and steady rhythm.

  “Avery?” Bennett asked. “Your plan worked, didn’t it?”

  “Tim left that same night,” I murmured. “My mom always blamed me for him walking out.”

  “Your mom didn’t believe you?” he asked through gritted teeth.

  I shook my head, not surprised at his anger. My mother was a piece of work. Her denial sealed it

  for me. I knew I’d have to handle everything solo. And that it wouldn’t be easy.

  “What about Gavin?”

  “He didn’t know all of it. I didn’t want him to,” I said. “But it sure made our first time together

  uncomfortable. I just shut down on him. He didn’t understand what happened. We broke up after that.”

  He tightened his hold on me. “You still wanted to lose your virginity so soon after all of that?”

  “It’s hard to explain. I didn’t want to disappoint him. And I still wanted to share that with him. I

  thought it might help me somehow. Help me forget about Tim, too. It just didn’t turn out quite the way

  I’d planned.”

  “Oh, Avery.” He kissed my hair. “I hope you realize how amazing you are.”

  His arms were strong and unyielding and I relished his warmth as I caught my breath again.

  “After that, something just snapped inside of me. I told myself that no one would have that kind of

  control over me again,” I said, my voice gaining momentum. “I’d be in charge of my own life—

  including my sex life. And no guy was worth losing myself again.” I’d been a mess for weeks after. Skipping school and chugging Mom’s beer, completely at a loss for

  how to gather the pieces of myself that had been scattered everywhere. But it was Adam who saved me.

  Along with Ella, who was going through her own grief over her brother’s death. She told me she needed

  me as much as I needed her.

  But Adam. God, Adam.

  He knew something was up with me, and as I began to unravel right before him, I saw his

  confidence in me falter. There was fear in his eyes, and confusion, too. And I knew I couldn’t desert

  him. Couldn’t make him feel as alone as I’d felt. He was just a kid and desperately needed to believe in

  someone. And for someone to believe in him, too.

  And I was that person for him. Always had been. Always would be. For as long as he needed me to

  be.

  Bennett remained silent, as if considering everything I’d told him. Maybe he’d finally understand

  and decide to walk away. And I’d have to accept that. Even though I wasn’t sure that’s what I wanted

  anymore.

  “I know it doesn’t make total sense, but it’s how I got through my days.”

  “It makes perfect sense,” he said, sadness in his voice. “Thank you for telling me.” Bennett held me close until our breaths fell into a similar pattern and sleep finally consumed us.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The next morning, I was still wrapped in Bennett’s arms, and it felt amazing having him in my bed

  again. I’d let him take care of me last night. Whether I’d
admitted it or not, I’d given him a larger piece

  of myself. And it hadn’t destroyed me or made me less of a person. In fact, it felt like a relief. It felt . . .

  right.

  I could feel his breaths against my ear and his pulse against my back. When I turned to him, his

  eyes were open and he was lost in deep thought.

  I hoped he wasn’t thinking about what a bad idea it had been to sleep here last night. Or that he

  needed to get as far away from me as possible. I’d have to accept his decision if that was the case. I’d

  made myself vulnerable to him, but I still had a long way to go. And I wasn’t sure if waiting on someone

  like me was the best idea. Even though I knew his attraction to me was just as palpable as mine to him.

  “What are you thinking about?” I whispered.

  “Honestly?” His voice was low and raspy and beyond sexy. “I was thinking I’d be scared to make

  love to you.”

  My heart thudded in my chest. “Why?”

  “Well, for obvious reasons. Being my first time and all,” he said. “But also because I’d be feeling

  all of these things, and you’d be . . .”

  His breaths were coming fast and shallow.

  “I’d be what?” I rasped out. “Tell me.”

  “You told me at the clambake that you didn’t feel anything with those other guys.” His breath

  tickled my ear, and I shivered against it. “What if you don’t feel anything when you’re with me, either?” “Not possible,” I said, arching my head to look him in the eye. “I’m incredibly turned on when I’m

  with you. I feel every kiss. Every touch. Everything.”

  His eyes squeezed closed as his fingers brushed the back of my neck.

  “I have my own fears, too, you know,” I said, feeling brave.

  “Like what?” He opened his eyes, and I saw a flicker of yearning inside them.

  “I’m afraid you’d think—after waiting all that time—that sex with me was nothing special, after

  all.”

  “Not a chance,” he whispered against my ear.

  “Or that I’d get so lost in feeling all of those things . . . that I’d let my guard down.”

  “And that’s a bad thing?”

  “It leaves me wide open . . . to be taken advantage of again.”

  “But everyone has those fears, Avery,” he said, kissing my forehead. “I understand why you have

  them and why you hold on to your independence so tightly. But I can’t imagine ever wanting to stop

  caring for or protecting you.”

  “That’s the part I don’t get,” I said. “I mean, you’re finally free from the burden of looking after

  your family. Why do you like the idea of caring for someone else?”

  “You make it sound like it’s a chore,” he said, squeezing me tight. “It would feel amazing to be

  needed and wanted by someone that you care deeply about.”

  “I don’t know, Bennett. I’d say we’re at a standstill.”

  “Or at a crossroads,” he said. “Depending on how you look at it.”

  “Sex means different things to us,” I said, playing with his bangs. “You’re wound too tight and I’m

  wound too loose.”

  He kissed my shoulder. “We’re more alike than you think.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “We both have trust issues,” he said. “I’d be putting faith in the person I’m having sex with, too.” “See, that’s a lot of pressure,” I said. “Sex for me is just about feeling good. In and out and done.”

  Bennett threw back his head and laughed.

  He turned over and pulled me flush against him. “You know we’re not just talking about sex here.

  We’re talking about feelings, Avery. How we make each other feel when we’re together.”

  It was true. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go back to just having quickie sex after being with him.

  Someone who took his time, who made every single touch count. It left me overwhelmed and breathless

  at the same time.

  I decided to go for honesty. “I love how you make me feel. How you kiss and touch me. It makes

  me feel . . . special. And like I want to maul you, all at once. And that terrifies the hell out of me.”

  “The feeling is mutual. Especially the mauling part,” he said, and I smacked him.

  “Maybe we need time to build up our faith . . . in each other,” he said. “Can we at least agree to

  try?”

  “I can try, Bennett.” Whoa, was I saying here? Last night changed me more than I was willing to

  admit. I wanted this boy. And I was willing to compromise to get him. I was willing to put myself out

  there, overwhelming as it may be. “But I can’t guarantee that I won’t get stuck or run away sometimes.”

  “Just agree to always be honest with me, okay?” he said, and I nodded.

  We stared into each other’s eyes, and I saw my own emotions reflected back in his. Trust, hope,

  longing.

  His lips hovered a breath away from mine and I flicked my tongue against his mouth.

  He hummed in response.

  He closed his mouth over mine and our tongues lingered in a slow and deliberate dance. It felt

  honest and pure and brand-new to kiss him again. He knotted his fingers in my hair and we stayed that

  way—kissing, licking, and teasing each other’s lips and necks and ears.

  “I’m not sure I can ever get enough of you,” he murmured as he captured the skin at the hollow of

  my throat. “I know the feeling,” I whispered. He was lying on top of me with his bulge rubbing against my

  hip. I wanted badly to adjust myself so that I could feel the length of him against my underwear, which

  was becoming increasingly wet.

  But the last time we were in this same position in my bed it had been too much for him. I didn’t

  want him to pull away from me again.

  Bennett kissed my forehead, and then my nose. He looked deeply into my eyes, and my entire body

  tingled in response. He thumbed the end of my T-shirt, and my breathing became shallow. “Take this

  off?”

  I sat up and lifted the shirt over my head. I wasn’t wearing a bra, and I could feel my nipples

  harden at his gaze. “Jesus, Avery. I’m not sure I’ve seen more perfect breasts.” His hand brushed against

  my collarbone and along the top of my breasts. “Is this okay?” he asked. I whimpered in response.

  My stomach coiled with eagerness as he stroked his thumbs over my hard buds and then cupped

  my breasts. He drew one into his mouth and swirled his tongue around my nipple. I arched my back

  toward him, urging him on. He sucked and licked before giving my other breast the same attention.

  He nudged me onto my back and then hovered above me. “I’ve been dreaming about how you’d

  taste.” My breath lodged in the back of my throat.

  He traced his fingers between my breasts and down to my belly.

  “But if you need me to stop, just say the word.” He met my eyes. “I will always stop, Avery.

  Always. Do you believe me?”

  I nodded. My breaths became ragged with need.

  “Do you want me to stop right now?”

  “No.” I exhaled a shaky breath. “Please, don’t stop.”

  He kissed along my collarbone and then trailed his tongue down the center of my chest, stopping to

  flick it against my navel. “God, you smell good.”

  He feathered kisses against my belly and along the edges of my underwear. I squirmed and panted, almost bursting from anticipation.

  I’d never had a man revere my body like this. It was overwhelming.

  Bennett planted one scorching kiss over my mound and I felt his hot breat
h through the thin cotton

  material. I gripped the bedsheets and moaned.

  “Damn it, Bennett,” I panted. “How in the hell do you know exactly how to drive me insane?”

  He trailed his tongue along my inner thigh. “I said I was a virgin, Avery. Not a saint.”

  “Or even a monk, apparently,” I mumbled.

  I felt him smile against my skin.

  He thumbed the top of my underwear and dragged the material below my hip. I felt the cool breeze

  glide over my skin, but it did nothing to squelch the heat between my legs. Bennett licked and sucked

  the skin around my hipbone. “A tattoo would look sexy right here. And I’d be the only one to see it—

  when I did this.”

  He yanked my panties down my thighs, and I gasped.

  He dropped my underwear on the floor, and then his gaze caressed the area between my legs. I

  suddenly felt modest at his inspection of me. But also special and extremely aroused.

  “You’re so beautiful, Avery.”

  My pulse skyrocketed when his palms slid up my calves to push apart my knees. Silky strands of

  his hair skimmed my thighs as he settled between my legs.

  His eyes fastened on mine as his mouth lingered above me. He was watching me, wanting to see

  how I responded to him.

  And it was the sexiest damn thing.

  His hot breath prickled my skin right before I felt the broad stroke of his wet tongue.

  “Oh fuck,” I panted as his fingers curled around my hips.

  Eyes glued to mine, he licked me again, slow and gentle, as my legs trembled beneath him.

  Then he closed his lips around me and sucked hard. My eyes rolled back in my head as I breathed out his name.

  “Jesus, Avery, you taste good.” I felt his deep groan vibrate against my skin, and the familiar

  tension of an orgasm pulsed low in my belly.

  He slipped a finger inside me as he expertly used his tongue and mouth to lick and suck the tiny

  bundle of nerves at my epicenter.

  My fingers were fisted in his hair, and I was close to losing myself.

  Still, something held me back. It was so difficult to completely relinquish control. Letting go for

  Bennett would mean something different now. Because after last night, we’d become something

  different. Something real.

  “I want you to trust me.” Bennett’s finger slid from inside of me and his other hand released hold of