Destiny

by Cindy Springsteen

  “I miss you, too! Let’s go take a ride. Go grab a sweatshirt,” he suggested.

  “Where are we going?” A ride sounded really nice right then, to get my mind off not getting to see him much in the coming days.

  “Let’s go take a walk on the boardwalk,” he replied.

  “I like the sound of that.” I loved it there. There was just something so romantic about being on the boardwalk, walking hand in hand, and hearing the ocean.

  It was a beautiful spring night. Not too hot and not too cold. The sky teemed with stars and a large orange moon. It was really breezy by the water, which messed up my hair. I tried not to worry about how it looked, but clearly that was a lie, I did care.

  We found a bench to sit on and talked for hours. He took my hand in his and our fingers intertwined. The sound of the ocean waves pounding the shore was mesmerizing. I daydreamed about getting engaged at a moment like this one. How romantic it would be. I would have loved for it to be on a beach, maybe at sunset, and to be asked if I would be his wife.

  ~* * * *~

  I am late, oh my God no, not now. Not when life was finally going the way it was supposed to be. I just can’t be pregnant, not now. I quickly picked up the phone and called Liz. “Liz you need to come over right away.” I cried.

  “Do not tell me that he pulled shit on you again, I will kill him!” Liz screamed.

  “No, it’s not that, just please come over right away.”

  Time seemed to stand still as I waited for her to come over with my mind reeling about what I would do. I wanted to do everything the right way. I wanted a big wedding, not a shotgun one with me being pregnant. I didn’t wait all this time to have everything ruined now. Maybe I’m just stressed and not pregnant. Oh, how I prayed so hard to not be.

  Liz came over and I explained what I suspected. Thank God for her and her calm reassurance that no matter, what everything would be fine.

  “My parents will kill me!” My whole body was shaking by now with fear of this being a possibility. We were always careful. I’d been on the pill forever and have always been regular ever since starting them.

  “You truly need to calm down. There are many reasons you could be late, don’t jump to conclusions. It’s only a couple days late and it can happen to anyone.”

  “But—you know me I’m never late like this. I am so scared.” A single tear rolled down my cheek and fell onto my shirt.

  “Listen, you really need to not go there. I know it’s easy for me to say, but whatever happens it will be okay. You were getting married anyway, so it’s truly not the end of the world.”

  “I want the big wedding. I don’t want to be one of those pregnant brides.”

  “I’ll get a test, but I think you should give it a few more days and just try hard to relax. You also should tell Danny…just in case you are.”

  ~* * * *~

  I didn’t want to tell Danny over the phone. He was working a lot and so our time together was very scarce. I missed him terribly but there was nothing I could do about it. There were days when I didn’t get to speak to him at all. I tried to be understanding and kept praying each day to find out that I wasn’t pregnant. I kept hearing his words in my head that all his extra work hours would get us closer to getting married. Maybe he was saving for an engagement ring?

  My phone rang once. I quickly called back.

  “Hey, I am off tonight. Do you want to go to Sizzler and then see a movie at the drive in?” Danny asked.

  “Definitely, that sounds good!” I was so happy to be finally spending a night with him. It wasn’t really that long but every day apart seemed like a lifetime to me. I intended to try to find the courage to tell him tonight.

  He was quieter than usual at dinner, but I attributed it to his long days and nights working. I decided to keep my problem a secret and not tell him tonight. I hadn’t seen him much and didn’t want anything to ruin the night. He already seemed not himself. At the drive-in it wasn’t long before we ignored the screen and became mesmerized with each other. It was as if we couldn’t get enough of each other, not wanting our lips to separate, as the time apart had clearly made us long more for each other. We didn’t want the night to end, so when the movie credits were rolling, he quickly sneaked the car into another movie that was just beginning.

  I wanted to be this content forever. I didn’t ever want this feeling to end. I longed for the day when our nights together would end behind the same door. I found myself daydreaming more than ever about being his wife and having children, just not having a child now. It helped me get through the days and nights that I spent without him by my side.

  When he kissed and hugged me goodnight, I didn’t want to let go.

  The next day when my phone rang once and I called him back, I was shocked to find out he was able to see me again so soon. He hadn’t had two nights off in a long time. He sounded strange on the phone, or maybe it was just my imagination. All I knew was I was thrilled to be able to see him again.

  When he picked me up an hour later, I began to worry as I saw a look of sadness all over his face. Little did I know everything was about to change forever.

  “What’s wrong? I can tell by the look on your face that something is going on,” I said instantly.

  “We—um—we need to talk. Let’s go for a ride, okay?” He sounded clearly shaken.

  “Should I be worried?” I asked as fear had completely taken over.

  He didn’t answer. We got in the car and he started driving. I couldn’t imagine what was wrong but I felt really nervous. I kept thinking maybe he was going to have to work even more and he was afraid to tell me. He knew how much I missed him when we weren’t together.

  We drove to one of our usual spots by the dock. He shut the car off but left music playing softly in the background. We sat in silence for what seemed like a long time.

  “You have me really scared here. What is wrong?” I didn’t want to ask but I needed to know. My curiosity was in full force. I had to know what on earth had him so upset. At least I knew it wasn’t that he couldn’t play hockey that year. I was looking at his profile in the moonlight because it was all I could see.

  “We need to break up. I am not going to be able to see you anymore.” He gulped heavily.

  “What? This is some sort of joke, right?” I was waiting for him to say he was kidding, or smile. “Why are you playing games with me? Everything has been so good, what the hell is going on here?” I felt as though a rug had just been pulled out from beneath me. I just didn’t understand where this was coming from.

  “I—I really don’t know how to tell you. I have wanted to, and should have a long time ago. I just didn’t want to have to let you go.”

  “I don’t understand! What are you talking about?” Tears were beginning to fill my eyes. I was trying to hold them back but they began to trickle down my cheeks. I could tell this was really serious now and I felt so scared. Yet, I didn’t want to believe this was the end. Not now when everything had been so perfect since we got back together.

  “After I tell you, you are going to hate me. I don’t want you to hate me. You are not going to believe that I love you.”

  “Tell me, dammit! I need to know.” I was still thinking that we could fix it, whatever it was. I wouldn’t hate him and everything would be fine.

  He leaned his head forward, as he began to stare at his lap. He hesitated before finally saying, “I got someone pregnant.”

  There was no way that I heard what I just did, I couldn’t have. How could this be? How could he have gotten someone pregnant? He cheated on me? So many questions were running through my mind, yet I couldn’t find the strength to ask them. “What?” Was all I could ask, as the tears began to steadily fall from my eyes. There was no way I could tell him now that I also to might be pregnant.

  “You don’t know her. I have known her for a while now and I have been kind of seeing her, on and off.”

  “This can’t be happening! Why are you doing thi
s to me? You have been seeing someone else—why? Why?” The tears were now running like rain down my cheeks.

  “I am sorry. I really didn’t know how to tell you, but—there is more…” His voice softly trailed off.

  “More? What else could there possibly be?”

  “When her parents found out they threw her out of the house. She is living at my house now. I really hate to say this but…I am going to marry her. We are going to get married by a justice of the peace in a few weeks.”

  I couldn’t breathe. I felt as if someone was suffocating me as his words kept playing over and over in my mind. I was in complete hysteria at that point. The kind of tears and crying where there are no words that can even make it out of your mouth. I couldn’t stop. I could sense him staring at me as his hand reached over to try to comfort me.

  “Home!” Was the only word I somehow managed to say as I pushed him away. I wanted to be as far away from him as I could possibly be. I just wanted to go home.

  He paused and then started the car. I could sense him staring at me but I wouldn’t look up. Even though we weren’t that far from home the car ride seemed to take forever. I couldn’t stop crying. It was really over—this was the end. After all the years I had known him, all we had shared, this was how it would end. When he pulled up in front of my house, I was opening the car door before the car stopped.

  “Wait,” he said. “I don’t want you to go—not like this.”

  I glared at him through my tear-filled eyes, pausing for one last look at this man I loved more than anything. I then turned, ran into my house and slammed the door.

  I plowed past my parents who were sitting on the couch in the living room, watching television. My sobs were uncontrollable. They knew instantly something really bad just happened.

  “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” I heard my mother’s concerned voice ask as I was running up the stairs.

  I barely made it to my bedroom, slammed the door closed, fell onto my bed, and cried harder than I ever have in my life. I heard my mom knocking on my door. There was no way to even try to hide my hysterics and I couldn’t even talk.

  “Can I come in?” my mother softly asked, as she slowly started opening my door.

  I was sure she was scared. I had cried many times, but I clearly was in a condition that made her afraid for me. But I couldn’t talk about it right then. I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted the world to stop spinning, so I could get off. I wanted to die. I didn’t want to face a life that he would never be in again. I knew if I tried to tell my mother what happened it would only make me cry even harder.

  I managed to get the words “It’s over—forever,” out between the sobs.

  My mom took me in her arms, didn’t ask another question, and just let me cry.

  I stayed in bed for days. I wasn’t hungry. I wouldn’t talk to anyone on the phone. My phone had rung once a couple of times but I just ignored it. If he thought I would talk to him, he was crazy. I kept replaying the other night. I didn’t understand how he could do this to me. I knew we’d had many ups and downs, but we always seemed to find a way back to each other. This time we couldn’t—this time there was no way to repair our relationship. My heart was shattered, in a way I never knew was even possible.

  Dear Danny,

  This has to be one of the hardest letters I have ever had to write in my life. For the past seven years, I thought we were holding onto something special and rare, but you have shown me that isn’t true. I hope you have someone who will love you as much as me and understands you the way I do. I devoted myself to making you happy. I was always there for you through good and bad. I gave you all the love that I had to offer. I wish I could say you were always there when I needed you or when I just needed someone to hold me. I don’t think I deserve this. I am the one who loves you more than anything and believes in you when no one else does. I wish to God with all my heart and soul things were different or could change. I waited so long to have you back. I hurt so much, I wish you were here to hold me! I will always love you more than you can imagine. That love will go on forever without you. My love for you is so real. I wish you all the best in everything the world has to offer you. I will never ever forget you and the love you have brought into my life. Please don’t forget me. I really need to believe you will always love me too!

  My love to you Forever & Always. In my heart I will always be yours, always!

  Cassidy

  Our Final Goodbye

  The flower our love was blooming on

  Has withered and died away

  I wish I could have believed

  Our love was here to stay

  The road we were on

  Has come to a sudden end

  You no longer will be able

  To be my best friend

  These last seven years

  Have gone by so fast

  It really hurts me

  To think of us as only a past

  They say the pain

  Will go away

  They say the tears will stop

  But, it really looks like it’s here to stay

  How do I pretend?

  That all my feelings are gone?

  How can I make myself realize

  That life must go on

  My whole life has

  Fallen apart

  When here I thought

  Things were just beginning to start

  But, now I must

  Set my love for you free

  For you see

  This is the way things must be

  You are not free

  To love me anymore

  I hope you know what you are doing

  I hope you are sure

  Kiss me goodbye my love

  Life was the best with you

  Kiss me goodbye

  I will go on being blue especially without you.

  When the phone rang today, I finally decided to answer the phone. I truly needed someone to talk to.

  It was Liz she said she’d been so worried about me.

  I filled her in on what happened trying hard to not get hysterical. I had cried far too much these last couple days.

  “What do you mean you didn’t tell him? And why didn’t you answer the phone the last couple days and tell me? I would have been there for you!” Liz yelled at me.

  “I know you would, I just needed time alone to think.”

  “You need to tell him! He can’t just go sleeping around and everyone else be left with the consequences of it.”

  “I know I should, I will if I find out I really am.”

  “NO! You should tell him either way, he is such a snake! If you don’t, then I certainly will!”

  I had no intention of calling Danny and certainly no intention of telling him there was a remote chance that I also was carrying his baby. I couldn’t speak to him and he would think I was lying to try to get him back. “Let’s just see what happens for now okay? Please?”

  “I will drop it for today I know you have a lot going on right now, but you have to do this.”

  ~* * * *~

  I found out the next day that Liz ran into Danny at the store and gave him hell. She also told him that I was late, which I wish she hadn’t but in some ways maybe it was for the best, because I knew that I couldn’t call him. She must have just barely left him when my phone rang once.

  I didn’t want to face him and I certainly didn’t want to discuss any possibility of me also being pregnant. I called him instead of ringing the phone. I wasn’t going to meet him in person and truthfully, I didn’t want to talk face to face. “Liz shouldn’t have told you, but now you know and when I know for sure, I will let you know.” I said to him in as nasty a voice as I could muster up.

  “Are you playing with me? Or is this for real?”

  “The fact that you even have to ask me something like that after what you have done to me—is just about as low as you could possibly go!”

  “I’m sorry! There’s nothing else I
can say.” He sounded truly concerned.

  “You’re right, there isn’t. Don’t worry about it, all right, when I know for sure I will certainly tell you!” I slammed the phone down and hung up on him.

  My phone instantly rang once again, and I just ignored it.

  I called the doctor and got an emergency appointment for the next day. I needed to know what was happening. Was I truly in the same situation as this girl he cheated on me with and if I was, what on earth was I going to do?

  Liz came with me to the doctor, who did a blood test and an examination. Based on what she saw on the sonogram, I wasn’t pregnant. She would call me tomorrow when she got the blood test back anyway, but felt that maybe I was just stressed out and that was causing me to be late. If I didn’t have it by next week I would have to go back for further testing.

  Three days later when my period finally arrived as I sat in tears with the worst cramps ever, I wondered if I truly wanted to be pregnant. Did I really wish that I were pregnant also, so that he maybe would have chosen to marry me instead of her? Danny had been calling every day waiting to find out and each day, I just ignored his calls. Today when he called, I told him I wasn’t, that he was free to marry her without worrying about me, but deep down I think I was beginning to worry about me and where my head was. How was I going to be able to move on, yet again?

  ~* * * *~

  “You’re invited to the wedding and you are going?” I cried to my parents. “You can’t be serious!” I knew my mother’s love for him was like a son, but how could they go watch him marry someone else? It was supposed to be me! I didn’t even wait for them to answer. I stormed up to my room and slammed the door so loud the house shook. How could my parents go to it? Did no one understand how I felt? Did no one care? I felt so alone. Maybe I should just kill myself then they will see. I feel like everyone was betraying me. What did I do to deserve this?

  I grabbed my car keys and left the house. I didn’t want to hear any of their explanations. I didn’t know where I was going and probably shouldn’t have been driving. I found myself at the dock. It looked so different in daylight. This was where we said goodbye. This was where my whole life as I knew it changed, all in one fateful night. Air Supply’s song Here I Am came on the radio. I heard the words, “just when I thought I was over you.” I closed my eyes and began to cry again. How was I ever going to be over him? He was going to be someone else’s husband and a father. He was supposed to be mine!