Wanderlove

by Malory, Belle

  An eerie feeling overwhelmed me as I fought through the lethargy. It was like I was a different person, waking up for the very first time. Well, maybe not different. But unequivocally more complete. Though I’d never lost a limb before, I’d bet anything that the return of my memories was akin to the feeling one gets when they receive a prosthetic. The feeling of detachment is no longer hauntingly present.

  Thinking of the late hour again, I wondered why no one had woken me. But I guess I already knew the answer to that question. It was probably because they didn’t dare to.

  They all knew, too.

  I eased out of bed, trying to avoid the rush of blood flooding to my head. It came anyway, imparting a dizzying nausea with each step I took. Fighting past it, I ambled to the bathroom. I removed my wrinkled gown from last night and made my way into the shower. My dull senses gradually began to awaken within the confines of the steamy water.

  The memories weren’t coming in at full-force anymore, mercifully. But they were still there, lingering in the background. . .and my mind continued returning to them piece by piece.

  While I showered, I came up with the theory. I wondered if all of my memories had somehow been restored while I slept last night. However, now I simply had a little more control over what I was thinking about. That would explain why I wasn’t being bombarded with memory after memory. And after last night’s onslaught, I was sincerely grateful for the slightest bit of control.

  Once I was completely scrubbed clean and ten times more awake than I had been earlier, I went back into my bedroom to get dressed. It was only moments later that I heard a knock at the door. I quickly threw on the closest article of clothing to me, which was a pink sundress, and opened the door. It was Miriam, wearing a morose expression. I moved, allowing her to come inside.

  I stood by the window quietly while I waited for her to speak.

  She couldn’t hide it. Her expression was as guilty as they come.

  Clearing her throat, she finally said to me, “Gabe’s been by several times this morning asking for you. I told him you were still sleeping. I didn’t want to wake you.”

  I looked away from her, crossing my arms over my chest and staring out of the window.

  “I expect you’ll want some explanations,” she continued. “And I think--”

  “I don’t want any explanations,” I said. “I just want to be left alone.”

  As soon as I said it, I realized the truth within my own words. I honestly did want to be alone. The memories haunting me were more than enough company for the time being.

  Miriam nodded, accepting that. “When you’re ready to talk, we’ll all be here for you, Lo.”

  I refused to meet her gaze. As far as I was concerned, she had lied to me. I was deeply hurt by Miriam. More than anyone else, I trusted and respected her. And now it seemed that she was keeping secrets, too. I simply waited for her to leave the room.

  As soon as she did, I ran a brush through my hair and slipped on a pair of sandals. I grabbed my bag, stuffing it with a blanket, my Mp3 player and a pair of sunglasses.

  I would quietly sneak out of the house. I really didn’t want to run into anyone. Definitely not Gabe. I wasn’t ready to speak with him. I didn’t care if he had been by the house several times or a hundred times. As far as I was concerned, any explanation he could possibly give me would not change how I felt.

  The beach was as good a place as any. Maybe the lull of the ocean would help still my constant memories.

  While I was walking down the stairs, I ran into the last person I wanted to see. Annika.

  Her eyes narrowed as soon as she noticed me. “Well, if it isn’t the teenage home wrecker,” she mumbled beneath her breath, but loud enough for me to hear her clearly. She turned to the side, giving me plenty of room to pass her. “By all means, go around me. And do me a favor while you’re at it-- don’t come back.”

  I really wasn’t up for this confrontation. I only wanted to get away, from her, this house and everything. But as I started to pass Annika, something snapped inside of me and I changed my mind. I paused directly in front of her. We were at eye level, her face close to mine.

  I met her repulsed stare and said exactly what was on my mind.

  “I know you’re hurting, Annika. But I really don’t give a damn about you right now. I haven’t home-wrecked anything. Gabe was mine for hundreds of years. Long before I ever knew you, before he ever knew you. In the grand scheme of things, you’re the true home wrecker.”

  Her eyes grew wide. I knew she already knew what I told her, but I also knew it wasn’t the same as hearing out loud and directly from me. Because I just made it real for her.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, suddenly incensed with a growing rage. “You thought I would let you continue playing the victim? Well, I’m sorry to break the news to you, but you’re not the victim here.”

  It seemed we were both surprised by my words. Infuriated tears began to swell in Annika’s eyes. Through clenched teeth, she gritted out, “How can you not feel ashamed? Gabe was mine in this lifetime. He was supposed to be my husband, and he would have been, if you hadn’t shown up. You’ve ruined everything.”

  I rolled my eyes. I knew I should stop, but I couldn’t seem to get control over my temper. “It’s not like I’m trying to stand in your way!” I shouted. “You and Gabe can go live happily ever after for all I care. So just leave me alone, and go get your man!”

  I watched as a remote tear fell down the length of Annika’s face.

  Detached, she said in a small voice, “Well, obviously, I can’t just ‘go and get him,’ as you so kindly pointed out to me. He doesn’t want me anymore. . .not now that he has you again.”

  Instantly, I felt awful.

  Horrible. Terrible. Wretched. Awful.

  I wanted to crawl underneath a big rock and die.

  God, why couldn’t I just shut-up before getting carried away? I knew Annika was only looking for an outlet, someone to blame for her broken heart. And instead of being her scapegoat, I put my own hurt before hers.

  She walked up the steps and away from me, a little more broken than before.

  “Anni,” I called. But, of course, she didn’t answer.

  It was probably for the best. I didn’t know what I would say, anyway.

  I groaned, wanting to kick myself. I was angry at the world right now. Yet I had still taken it out on Annika. And yeah, the things she’d done to me were malicious and completely spiteful. But if I had been in her shoes, and another girl had stolen Gabe away from me, I would have been pretty pissed too. I would have been broken-hearted, too.

  Just like I was right now.

  I swallowed as the realization dawned on me. No matter how good of an excuse he had, Gabe could never justify why he had chosen to forget about me. Nor could he ever explain why he had chosen to do that moving on with my cousin. I don’t care how beautiful my memories of him were. He apparently was no longer the person I remembered him to be. I suppose several lifetimes could do that to a person.

  I didn’t make it out of the house before I realized Gabe would be waiting for me there. I saw his truck pulling up into the driveway just as I reached for the doorknob that led to the front patio. He must have seen me preparing to leave. His mind could follow my every movement if he wanted to. The thought was a little disturbing.

  I found Miriam in the laundry room folding towels. She looked surprised to see me.

  “Can I borrow your car?” I asked her.

  Her eyes turned apprehensive. “Don’t worry,” I said, realizing the direction her thoughts were headed. “I’m not planning to flee.”

  “Can you promise me that?”

  I nodded. “When and if I decide to leave, I’ll let you know,” I assured her. “And I certainly wouldn’t take off in your car.”

  She moved towards the mail rack by the door and removed one of the keys from a ring. Before handing it to me, she asked, “If you’re not leaving. . .then where are you going?”


  Inhaling, I glanced out the nearby window, glimpsing Gabe’s truck.

  “Like I told you before, I just really want to be alone.” I nodded my head in the direction of the window. She peered through the glass panels to view for herself. “Oh. . .I see.”

  She turned away from the window and back towards me now. “I understand, Lo. And like I told you before, we’ll all be here when you’re ready to talk.”

  I still wasn’t sure if I even wanted to talk about this. But I nodded and took the key from her.

  Gabe stood beside his truck. It was clear he had been waiting for me.

  I ignored him. I walked directly past him and headed to Miriam’s car.

  “Lola,” he called.

  I continued to ignore him.

  “Lola, I need to speak to you, dammit!” The frustration in his voice made me flinch.

  I didn’t turn around to face him, but over my shoulder, I said, “Do you really think anything has changed just because I have my memories back?”

  “You need to let me explain!”

  I unlocked the car door and opened it. Before getting inside, I said, “I don’t feel like listening to explanations. I can barely look at you without a thousand flashing images entering my head. You can explain yourself all day to Annika if you like. But if you don’t mind, I’d like to be left alone.”

  With that said, I got inside and slammed the door, pressing the lock button for good measure. Then I turned over the ignition and drove away before he had the chance to stop me. I needed to find somewhere his mind couldn’t follow me to, somewhere more than a few miles away.

  TWENTY-SIX

  I sat very still and quiet for a long while. I remained sitting on the beach, staring out into the horizon, maybe for hours. I wasn’t really sure how long I’d been sitting there. I watched as the dark blue water grew golden while the pink and amber rays of the setting sun melted into the ocean. For the first time over the course of the past few days, I finally felt a calmness settling in around me. It was immensely gratifying because it felt like I had been through a battle and back, continuously overwhelmed by thoughts, memories or emotions. So even if it didn’t last for long, for the time being, I was happy to think of nothing.

  Today was Thanksgiving. Miriam had probably just finished cooking. Right now she was probably setting out her best china on the dining room table that she never used. She may have even taken out the crystal glasses she kept hoarded in the back of the cabinets, just for this occasion. Afterwards, she would sit down with Annika and Dakota to eat, converse, laugh and give thanks. They would enjoy the rich, southern food loaded with carbs, sugars and fats; and therefore, Miriam only prepared the said food once per year.

  It was how it was supposed to be. They were all together as a happy family. It was how it would have been, anyway, if I’d never shown up.

  I’d been everywhere over the last few days. Or, at least it felt like it. I’d visited the aquarium and watched the brightly colored fish swim for hours. I went to the library, but couldn’t focus enough to read anything. I just sat there, mindlessly staring at the pages of my book. Yesterday, I signed up for volunteering, hoping the work would help stop my mind from wandering. But Gabe was at the beach that day. Though he didn’t approach me, I ended up leaving early. Before he had the chance to.

  Because today was Thanksgiving, I hadn’t known what to do with myself. I just knew I couldn’t spend the day at the house. So I decided to spend the day at the beach, alone. I found a small patch of sand a few miles down from Miriam’s house. The location was likely out of Gabe’s mind’s sight. But as the soft-hued twilight settled in, I instinctively knew he would come for me there.

  I didn’t attempt to elude him this time. I was simply too worn out. Besides, I had begun to feel foolish for thinking I could hide forever.

  I heard him walking towards me from behind. He silently kneeled down next to me. I looked up at him to find he was wearing his work suit. The sight of him caused me to feel a tug at my heart; it was a feeling I suppose I had always felt each time he was near. I never understood what it meant before. Now that I had a better grasp on things, that feeling terrified me.

  “How are you?” he asked in a low voice. He didn’t seem angry at me for avoiding him. He only seemed concerned.

  “I’m okay,” I answered, my voice cracking because I hadn’t spoken in so long.

  He watched me for a few moments. I think he was trying to figure out if I truly meant it. It made me wonder if he saw me as broken or weak. I was suddenly feeling very exposed.

  “I had to go in to the station for a few hours today,” he mentioned. “But I’m officially off duty. I’m about to head back for dinner. Are you hungry?”

  I forced myself to look him in the eyes. Though he seemed calm and reserved, I could see how much he was pleading with me. I began to realize I wasn’t the only one in pain. Gabe was hurting too. And for the first time, I realized that this wasn’t just my grandmother’s neighbor or my cousin’s ex-fiancé. This was a man who had once loved me, a man who would have died for me. Of course, I had no idea who he might be now. It had been lifetimes since our souls last met. But I had to acknowledge this was still the only man I ever loved.

  I nodded in answer.

  He held out his hand and helped me stand up. I dusted the grains of sand off of my jeans before following him to his truck. He opened the door for me just as I was reaching for the handle.

  “Thanks,” I said softly, before hopping up into the passenger seat. “I probably shouldn’t go with you,” I mentioned as he started up the engine. “Miriam asked me to eat dinner with her tonight. I feel like she believes it’s sacrilegious or something to skip out on Thanksgiving dinner. She gave me a lot of hell for it this morning.”

  He looked over at me. “I think she’ll understand,” he said. “She knows there are some things you need to hear.”

  A long, drawn out sigh escaped my lips. “I guess they’re better off. Annika wouldn’t sit at the same table with me, anyway.”

  He flinched as soon as I mentioned Annika’s name. “I’m sorry about that,” he said. I could see he was being sincere. The moment turned slightly awkward, but he changed the subject by saying, “And anyway, Baro cooked a huge meal. You can eat dinner with my family. I’ll call Miriam and explain. She’ll understand.”

  After a few more moments of debating, I finally agreed. Gabe pulled his truck off of the beach and onto the road. “My family and I-- we would all like to explain things to you. Well, at least those who knew you and knew what happened.”

  It took a moment for that to sink in, what he’d just said to me. “Wait, you mean some of your siblings knew me? Which ones?”

  “Rex and Baro. Cam and Molly never met you before this life.”

  “So why do Rex and Baro want to explain anything to me?” I asked, confused. “Why can’t you just tell me?”

  In my eyes, the only person who had any amount of explaining to do was Gabe, not that it would make things right or that I would feel any differently. But I definitely didn’t see how his brothers fit into this.

  “They want to make sure things are explained in a way that doesn’t sabotage you. . .and others.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t understand.”

  Gabe sighed. “They don’t trust me to tell you what needs to be said. If they had their way, nothing would be said to you at all.” His tone lowered and he sounded almost bitter. “If they had their way, I would just let you go on living your life believing that I wanted you to forget me. That I didn’t want you to ever remember.”

  “Why would they want that?”

  “Because the implications of telling you. . .” Gabe paused. “I shouldn’t say any more until we’re all together. They’re too afraid I’ll mess it up.”

  I was entirely too confused by this conversation, but I decided to accept it for now. I figured I’d know soon enough what the big deal was, anyway.

  Although it had taken me nearl
y two hours to walk to this beach, the drive home only took about ten minutes. We both remained quiet for the rest of the way.

  I was suddenly feeling famished. After thinking about it, I realized I hadn’t actually eaten much lately. My hollow stomach grumbled at the thought of food.

  After pulling into the enormous driveway, Gabe parked directly in front of the house and walked around his truck to open my door for me. It was strange, the things I noticed about him that never seemed to change throughout the span of time. Almost instantly, hundreds of different images flashed through my mind of Gabe opening doors for me, pulling out chairs for me, carrying me over rain puddles. I supposed he’d always been chivalrous; it wasn’t just a façade.

  He offered me his hand to help me down and I took it. But he didn’t let go after I was out of the truck. He continued holding my hand, leading me around the circular driveway and towards the entryway of his home. As we walked, I eyed my small hand enwrapped in his large one. It looked like it belonged there. Uncomfortably, I pushed the thought aside.

  Molly opened the door before Gabe could put his key into the lock. She wore a bright smile, but as soon as she caught sight of me, her expression soured and her shoulders drooped.

  After a long groan, she asked, “Why’d you have to bring her with you?”

  She didn’t wait for Gabe’s answer. I figured her question was rhetorical, anyway. Instead, she simply walked away, leaving us standing alone in the foyer.

  Gabe met my uneasy gaze. “Don’t worry about her,” he said reassuringly. “Moll’s just being a brat because she’s friends with Anni.”

  “I gathered that much, thanks.”

  “She doesn’t know half of what’s going on, Lo.”

  “Whatever she knows is still more than I do,” I pointed out. Before he had a chance to respond, Cam entered the room.

  “Lola, what’s up?” He grinned. “Come to join us for dinner?”