Pieces of Paisley

by Leigh Ann Lunsford

  I quickly cut her off. “Don’t tell me her name.” I know it is irrational, but if I don’t hear the name I think it won’t be real.

  “She said if you wanted to talk to her while you are home then she is open to it, but if not, she understands. I still want to have a relationship with her, but I will abide by your decision.” How is she asking me to make this choice? I claim the child, and make my mom happy and face my responsibility, but at the same time I crush Paisley. I turn my back and don’t think about this again, and I disappoint my mom, I disappoint myself because I am not wired that way, but I also keep Paisley, and she isn’t tainted by this bullshit.

  “I don’t know right now, I just don’t know.” I get up and walk downstairs. I strip and climb in bed and notice my phone is lit up. I grab it and see a new text from Paisley.

  “I love you . . . more than I thought possible. I am sorry for earlier and please be patient. Just fall asleep tonight knowing you are my everything.”

  Fuck me! I should have just stayed in Florida and spent Christmas with Paisley and her family and then my life wouldn’t be crumbling right now. Every time I think I have a new piece of the puzzle for Paisley and I, a new understanding of how to work towards this future I want with her, something else happens to derail us. Be it her insecurities, her inability to communicate with me, my protectiveness, or my failure to make her feel secure and wanted. I fall asleep and toss and turn most of the night and when I wake up I still have a sinking feeling in my stomach. I know what I have to do; it is what I set out to do last night before I was derailed even further. I get the information from my mom and head out to the other side of town. I didn’t call or text Paisley this morning. I need to do this without bringing her and our already uncertain future in the mix. I have to make the right decision; I just don’t know what it is.

  I pull up in front of a small bungalow style house, and it has the white picket fence . . . how domestic. I don’t even reach the first step to the porch when the door swings open and Mick walks out. He doesn’t bring up the past anger in me like when I found out he had been sleeping with my girlfriend. Seeing him doesn’t remind me of the fact he was once a trusted friend and he betrayed me in the worst way possible. I guess I am truly over it and ready to move on.

  “What are you doing here, Jake?” I don’t know why he is asking me the questions seeing how both he and Lisa have been lying to me for the past fifteen months. They both knew how to get a hold of me.

  “I could ask you the same thing, Mick. I was told you were no longer in the picture.”

  “You were misinformed. We may have our problems here, but Lisa and I are committed to working them out.”

  “That’s good, but we have another issue besides your relationship to talk about.”

  “Don’t come here thinking you are going to start playing Daddy now. You haven’t been interested before.”

  “That’s bullshit and you know it. I didn’t know, neither of you bothered to inform me of the fact that I was a father. Now I am here to figure out where we go from here.” As I finish my sentence the door opens and Lisa walks out. The girl who used to make me smile and take my breath away just makes my stomach churn. She looks tired and unsure of where this conversation is going to go.

  “Hello, Jake.” She is trying to play the soft-spoken timid game and everyone in this town knows she is just the opposite. Mick wasn’t the only person she got under while we were together.

  “Lisa,” it is taking everything in me to be cordial. I may be over the pain she caused, but the disgust I feel for her won’t be leaving anytime soon.

  “Do you want to come in?” Mick whips his head around and pins her with a glare. He sure isn’t happy about this development and as much as I want to make them both squirm, I don’t have time for this.

  “No, Lisa. We need to address some issues and figure out where we go from here.”

  Each of us is standing in silence, and it is becoming uncomfortable. Nobody wants to take the first step because maneuvering this conversation is like preparing for battle; one wrong step and a minefield could blow up in your face. I still don’t have a clear understanding of what happened and what I want to do.

  “Let’s start with why neither of you felt that I didn’t need to know the kid was mine?”

  “The ‘kid’ has a name. It is Laura. You were gone, Jake. What kind of father would you have been?”

  “Quit being dramatic, Lisa. I was in the Navy, and you knew that. I don’t know what kind of father I would have been, I didn’t have that opportunity and now she thinks of someone else as her father, and I don’t know what is fair to her.”

  “I am the only father she knows,” Mick boasts.

  “Mick, I am not coming here to step on toes. Back off with the defensive bullshit. Fact still remains, I am her father and I don’t know where we go from here. From what I understand, you don’t have a steady relationship, and the paternity is a major contention.”

  “Not for me, but Lisa loves to throw it in my face when she doesn’t get her way. I can promise you this Jake, that little girl is my heart. From the first time I saw her, I loved her. We may not share DNA, but we do have a bond. My word may not mean shit to you, but I promise you she will never feel less than with me.”

  I take a moment to process his words, and I feel slightly bad for him. Lisa is well known for playing people for her own personal gain. Not like Paisley who will suffer in silence as to not hurt anyone else. I still don’t know if this decision is right, but I have to make one.

  “I am not promising anything, Mick. I get out of the Navy in two years, and I am moving home. It is a small town and people talk. Once I am home for good, I may want a relationship with her. For now, I would appreciate pictures and for my mom to get to know her. That is non-negotiable.”

  “How do we explain that to Laura? What are people going to think?” Lisa is talking louder and faster. Always worried about her appearance.

  “I don’t give a fuck what people think, Lisa. You should have thought of that before you created this mess. As for explaining it to her, she isn’t even two. By the time I get home she won’t even be four, and I doubt she will question it at this time. All she will see or know is that someone else will be in her life that will love her.”

  Before things get heated, Mick speaks up, “I agree, Jake. As her father, I will do everything in my power to forge that relationship between your mom and Laura. I will make sure you get pictures and updates, all I ask is you think about what is best for her before you come back and uproot everything she has ever known. That little girl is my life, the only good part I have left.” I just nod at him and turn around to get the hell away from them. I never even looked at my daughter, and I feel guilty. I know if I looked at her, touched her, and held her, all my good intentions would go out the window.

  Before I get to my car, I turn and tell him, “Thank you for being there when I wasn’t. I don’t know what to say or what is right in this situation, but I promise you, I will be a part of her life when I can be more consistent. You both may have cheated me out of almost two years of her life, but no more.” Once I am sure they both get my message loud and clear, I finish descending the driveway and get in the car.

  I still don’t know if this is the best solution, but it is the only one I have right now. I know I am thousands of miles away and what kind of presence in her life could I have? I know many men and women in the military make it work, but usually they don’t have the shit stacked against them like I have. I didn’t even know she existed twenty-four hours ago; there is no bond, no familial relationship. I know it doesn’t feel right walking away, but I also know it isn’t about me. I can’t rock her stability at this young of an age.

  Walking in the house I find my mom anxiously waiting for me. Brian is sitting at the table trying to calm her, but I don’t think he is having much luck.

  “How did it go?”

  “As well as could be expected, I suppose. Mick loves her; h
e is her father in all but one way. I don’t know what the final outcome will be, but for now, he is going to help you start a relationship with her, update me with pictures, and when I get home in two years, we re-evaluate. This is probably not what you wanted to hear, but I am too far away to facilitate any kind of relationship with her. In May I leave for six months, so do I interrupt her life and rock her stability to be selfish and claim my rights? I am struggling here, but I went with my gut and head, not my heart.” I hear the tremble in my voice and know my eyes are tearing up. I want to hit something, anything, or anyone right now.

  Brian speaks up, “Not an easy decision, Son, but I think it is the right one. I am proud of you for keeping it together. I know it wasn’t easy.”

  “Hell no, it isn’t easy. I want to punish them, hurt them like they have hurt me, but in the end Laura is the one who suffers, not the adults. Part of me wanted to walk in that house and take her, but the other part of me is scared shitless. How do I care for a toddler? Will she even want me around her in two years? I have so many unanswered questions floating around in my head, and once I seem to have a solution for one, another one pops up. I feel like I am being selfish, walking away and living my life knowing I have a daughter, but then I feel like I am being selfless to not disrupt her until I have permanence to offer her. Either way, nobody wins. It isn’t a fucking game at all, but it is the way is was treated.”

  “Jake, you can’t punish yourself for the unknown, you were as big of a pawn in her game as Mick was, but don’t let Laura be. Don’t do that to a child.” Brian steadies me with his soft voice and unrelenting stare.

  My mom looks torn. I know she is excited about getting to know Laura, but disappointed that we aren’t going to have the perfect family she always wanted for me. “Not a word to Paisley, either.” She looks taken aback.

  “That is a mistake, Jake. You can’t build a solid foundation with a lie this huge between you.”

  I steel my determination. I look right in my mother’s eyes. “Watch me.” I get up to go down to my room and call Paisley. I just hope she can’t tell something is wrong with me and I vow to push this all to the back of my mind before I get home to her. I may not have the control over Laura, Lisa and Mick, but I can get the control of my relationship with Paisley, I can nurture that, let it blossom so when the truth does come out it doesn’t obliterate us.

  Chapter 13

  Paisley

  The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt.

  Max Lerner

  It seems like forever since I acted like a bitch to Jake. I haven’t heard anything from him, but in reality it has been about sixteen hours. Sixteen long hours, nine hundred and sixty minutes that I have heard every tick of the clock. I haven’t slept and I was hoping he would have called me after the text. I didn’t want to push him and figured he would call when he was ready. I know I upset him, and he gets frustrated with me about trusting in us, but I am afraid to totally let go and fall in to him. He has the power to slice me open and drain me of life. When my dad left, it hurt. I resolved myself to never be the reason anyone walked away again, and from that point forward I carefully chose how invested in people I would be. Krista and I were different. I trusted in her love and our friendship. She saw me through some of the darkest times, and then walked away. You know that saying from One Tree Hill ‘Everyone leaves’? Well, that seems to be my motto.

  On the outside my mom and I seem normal, but after years of struggles with her trying to change me and the way I am wired, and years of me being disappointed in her for the way she wants me to be and the way she truly becomes dependent on men, we have learned to co-exist and forge a shallow, but healthy relationship. I know she loves me and tries to support me; look at all she did for my relationship with Jake. But had there not been a relationship, she wouldn’t have done any of it. She thinks your life begins and ends with a man’s love, and that is a concept I have never believed in . . . until I fell in love with Jake. Now, my world begins with him and could end when he leaves. I am strong and independent, but he makes me weak and dependent, and I don’t have the power to change that. I want to, I want to carefully resurrect my brick wall and enforce it with steel so he can’t get in to my inner fortress so easily, but I am not able to when I look at him, touch him, feel him, and hear him tell me he loves me.

  I check the time and see it is only noon. Guess I am going for a drive to have a smoke because both my mom and Marcus are still here. I grab my keys and tell them I am running to the store for tampons. My mom probably sees through the ruse, but Marcus, bless his heart, just focuses on the sandwich and chips in front of him and won’t make eye contact. I go to the park in the back of our neighborhood and thankfully it is empty. I crawl on the hood of my Jeep and light my cigarette. I lie back and stare up in the sky, wishing it had the answers I desperately needed. ‘Fall’ by Clay Walker comes on the country classics station, and I swear to all things holy, the clouds and Jake are speaking to me. The words are his promise, the one he tells me daily, but I am too afraid to hear. I want to take the biggest leap of faith, but I have never been good at jumping hurdles, I usually just walk around them, or ignore them completely. I could spew off a bunch of reasons and place blame on the adults in my life for the reasons I have doubts and insecurities, but ultimately my future is in my hands. I have to make the decision to trust . . . sink or swim isn’t that what they say? I have always been a pretty good swimmer, so maybe I will always be able to find my way back to shore when I need to.

  Finishing up my cigarette, I hop back in the Jeep and decide I want to go back to the scene of the crime, per se. I head down the familiar highway and before an hour has passed I find myself staring at the house. The house where it all started and ended for me. I found Jake, but lost Krista. I replay the moments in my mind, like a vivid dream. My first kiss with Jake, the day I walked away, but then he chased after me. The many times I studied and partied there. The bad memories were leaking into my thoughts, and I fought for them not to overtake the good. Krista and I arguing in the street, her spiraling downwards in front of me as I was helpless to do anything but watch and pray she found her way back. Then Kara and our silliness popped into the slide show of my mind. We weren’t as close as Krista and I, partly because I wouldn’t allow it partly because Kara isn’t a girl’s girl. We didn’t fill in the silent moments with useless chatter and inside jokes, it was almost like a grown-up version of what Krista and I would have been. She had her own issues with self-worth and struggling to find her path, where as I had always forged my own way, she was a follower and allowed herself to take many wrong turns on her path. Eventually it led her to me, and I made a conscious decision to start nurturing that. I have to start somewhere.

  I find myself smiling as I remember Jake’s first smart-ass comment to me and how he freaked about my age. Then when I threw down the gauntlet he picked it up and charged forward, heart first in this relationship. That has been my problem, I am leading with my head, and it is a jumbled mess of contradictions. My heart is full, full of the love I have for him. The saying ‘look before you leap’ applies to me. I can never do anything without weighing every option, every possible outcome . . . maybe this time I need to put a blindfold on and jump with all I have. He did promise to catch me. I go to grab my phone to call him, I just want to hear his voice, and cement this decision I am making. I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. I want to tell him I surrender to him, his love, and I want to embrace this idea of a life with him, not fight it anymore. Shit! I can’t find my phone and realize I left it charging on my nightstand. I hurry home and break a few speed limits, but I know my mom will be worried because the park turned into a three-hour trek, and I want to call Jake.

  I walk in the front door and am met with, “Where have you been?”

  “Sorry, I forgot my phone and after the park I took a drive,” I don’t want to tell her where I went and what I
was doing. She will just try to climb in my head and pick apart every doubt and fear I am fighting.

  “Paisley, just because I have given you some leeway with school, and spending the night with Jake, doesn’t mean you are free to come and go as you want.”

  “I know. I said I was sorry. I didn’t do it on purpose, and I am not acting like I can do what I want. I forgot my damn phone and lost track of time.” Jeez, make a mountain out of a molehill much?

  “Your phone has been going off.”

  I sprint back to my room, grab my phone, and my heart sinks. I have twelve missed calls, ten voicemails, and six text messages . . . all from Jake. I open the texts,

  Hey - just called you and left a message. Love you.

  Pais, why aren’t you calling me back?

  Please don’t avoid me

  Damn beautiful, please answer my calls. I am sorry for being a dick yesterday.

  Talk to me. I love you.

  Please, let me just tell you I love you. Don’t do this.

  The voice mails are the same. Pleading, defeated, and scared. I don’t know why this man thinks I am giving up. Granted, I haven’t been the easiest to deal with, but I gave him no indication I was done. To hear how torn up he is does relieve me some; it makes me know I am not the only one barely treading water with my feelings, and he is just as vulnerable to the pain as I am. I immediately call him, and before the phone finishes its first ring, I hear him.

  “Paisley? Why were you ignoring me? Beautiful, please talk to me.”

  I can’t stop the giggle that comes out, “Babe, I forgot my phone and went for a drive. I was clearing my head and evaluating everything. I am so sorry I worried you.”