“Beautiful, what is going on with you?” She narrows her eyes and tilts her head to the side, but doesn’t answer me. “Paisley, you have lost so much weight, I am worried about you.”
“Oh, I don’t know, babe. I really think it was the stress of everything and all the changes in my schedule. Honestly, I feel fine.” I am pretty sure she is brushing off my concerns, not wanting to worry me, but there is definitely something going on.
“Well, now that I am home, I can pamper you and spoil you. Your wish is my command.”
She whispers, so softly I almost don’t hear her, “Just hold me, and don’t leave me again.” Her breath catches on the last word and she almost crumbles to the ground. I immediately grab for her and bring her to me; I maneuver the keys out of her hand and unlock the driver’s side. Once I am situated in the seat, I bring her across my lap and tuck her head into my neck. I hold her, just like she asked, and I will continue to until the end of time if that is what she needs. She is shaking in my arms, but not crying. I gently run my hands across her back and pull her a little tighter to me. I allow my cheek to rest on the top of her head hoping that my love for her will seep in and stop whatever is happening to her.
“What’s wrong, Pais? You are scaring me.” Her shivering seems to be relenting but her grip on me isn’t lessening. She held her finger up telling me to ‘give her a minute.’ So I continue to hold her until she is ready to talk to me.
“I don’t know what came over me. I saw you, and then I felt you, and I lost it. I didn’t realize I was holding so much in, and I am not exactly sure what it was. I know I missed you, I was nervous, scared and excited for this day, but I guess I didn’t allow myself to admit how much you being away affected me. I think I slowly was building my walls back up and seeing you crashed them all down, all at once. It was overwhelming.” It has been a year. I don’t understand where these walls are coming from.
“I am kind of lost here, Paisley.” She takes in a deep breath.
“I don’t want it to sound like seeing you and being in your arms isn’t a dream come true. It is. But I think I built this day up so much in my head, worked myself into a frenzy of nerves and then ‘BOOM’ it’s over. You are here, I am here, we are together, and it is all I wanted, but yet so much has changed. I had to learn to depend on myself again, something I didn’t do the whole time I have been with you. I always submitted to you, let you handle things, let you make the decisions. I liked that, but when you weren’t here, I had to figure it all out. It is all those things that just came to a boiling point.”
I don’t have words to comfort her because I am part of the reason she is overwhelmed. In my protection and sheltering her from the shit storm my life was becoming, I created a bubble around her, and when I wasn’t here to enforce that bubble, life crashed down on her. She is barely eighteen and living like she is twenty-two but doesn’t have the life skills to deal with the issues that have been created. I was her first real boyfriend, one that is four years older, in the Navy, has a past that is being brought in to my future, she was a high school student, getting ready to experience the best year of her life, when she derailed her plans to make it easier for us and in turn gave up a huge piece of herself. I encouraged that, reveled in the benefits, but never took into consideration the way it would affect her growth. Add in my protectiveness of her and we have a no-win situation.
“God, Paisley. I am sorry. I feel like I say that to you a lot. You gave up so much for us and I feel like I just keep taking and giving nothing in return.”
“Jake, I didn’t tell you this to make you feel bad. You do give me something . . . your love and that is all I really need. I won’t lie and say it was easy while you were gone because your arms have become my safe haven, and I didn’t have that. Nothing I just said was to place blame or make you apologize. It is what it is and now that your last deployment is over, I feel like we can begin life again. I am scared of the adjustment phase of getting acclimated to each other again, but I want you, I want this more than anything.”
“I love you so much. I never doubted that you were my end prize. You were in a way my beginning, middle and end. Until you, I never knew love could be so pure, without stipulations and demands. You give so much of yourself to me, freely, and I feel like I have allowed you to give and give while I just took. I promise you, beautiful. Not anymore. Now that I am back for good, you will once again be my main priority. My head wasn’t in the game for the past few months, being deployed is busy, long hours and fucks with your head when the girl you love is back here, and I really don’t know what is going on.” I show her how much better I can do and by the end of the kiss she is breathless, yet panting, wild and wanton and if I could get away with it I would lay her down and fuck her in the Jeep.
“Where to?” I ask her. She told me she had a surprise for me. She hands me the key to the hotel, and it is right on the beach. Short distance from here and that is a bonus. Even though there is an awkwardness between us, the tension is thick with sexual desire. “By the way, we are only here tonight, I got our flights changed to tomorrow.” I hope she is okay with leaving early.
“Whatever, babe. I am yours for fourteen days. I do only have twelve off from work, but you can come with me to meet the heathens.” I try to hide the shudder running through my body when she talks about the kids.
“We’ll see,” I shoot a wink at her. She sees right through my stall tactic and starts laughing. I steal a glance at her and I have missed that relaxed posture she is wearing right now. She is carefree, silly, at ease and just Paisley. She is the girl I fell in love with, and I want her to embrace that person and stay true to herself. “I’ve missed that right there.”
“What?”
“My Paisley. The person you are at this moment, I have missed her.”
“Well I think you just found her,” she leans over to give me a kiss on the cheek as we pull into the hotel. “I’m nervous, Jake. I feel like it is my first time all over again.”
“Well, I was there for that so I promise to go slowly, at your pace, and I just want you to relax.” I know I make it sound easy, but I am not nervous, anxious yes, but not nervous. I have never wanted to be buried in her so much in our entire relationship. I am craving that connection, us becoming one.
She hesitates as we cross the hotel room, and I honestly feel a bit guilty because all I can think about is climbing in between her legs and getting lost, and I have been on shore less than an hour. I’ve been on a ship with thousands of men, for six months . . . that is one hundred and eighty days with nothing but some lotion and my hand. My dick is winning the battle with my other head. When she steps forward she raises the hem of her dress to take it off, it is game on. I quickly meet her and remove the dress over her head. She has already slipped off her sandals and as I turn her around and walk her towards the bed I make quick work of her bra.
Gently sweeping her in my arms I lay her on the bed and notice she is trembling. I don’t know if it from nerves or desire, but I hope it is the latter. “Relax, Pais. I got you.”
“I know, Jake.” Those words of trust are all I need to spur me on. I take in her flawless form stretched out on the bed and lick my lips. This girl is all mine and has slowly turned into a woman while I was gone. Even with all the weight she lost she is still the most beautiful person I have ever seen. I start to slowly remove my clothes and she sits up to watch me. Climbing on her knees she places kisses on my chest as each inch is exposed. My skin is so hot I don’t know how it isn’t burning her lips. She follows with her hands helping me rid myself out of the uniform. Her breath hitches, and I know she has seen it. The infamous tattoo. It is sprawled across my bicep, and in simple blue lettering it just says, ‘Paisley.’ I kept it simple. It is surrounded by a cloud, and her name is entwined inside it.
“You are my heaven. My ultimate accomplishment was falling in love with you.” There is nothing else to say. I know she didn’t want her name tattooed on me, but she is etched in my hea
rt forever so I wanted my skin to follow.
“Holy shit, babe. I know I shouldn’t love it, but I do. I know a man in uniform is sexy, but seeing you out of it is much better in my opinion.” I lean forward to push her back to the bed but she stops me. “Since we are playing show and tell, I have to show you something.” She begins to shimmy out of her lace thong and I can’t take a breath. Staring at me, to the right of her hipbone is a heart with devil horns and a pitchfork and embedded in the heart is ‘Jake.’
“When, beautiful?”
“Right after Adaleigh was born. I wanted to get it on my birthday, but I was interrupted. Nobody else knows about it, and it is for your eyes only. I just wanted to let you know, every inch of me is yours. Always.” I crush her mouth with mine. I am choked up and the emotion is causing my heart to skip a few beats and pound out of my chest. I need her now, but I need to take my time. I quickly dispose of her underwear and follow her down to the bed. I delight in the feel of skin against skin before my desire for her takes over. I rise up to my knees, straddling her, and start with soft kisses across her collarbone to each ear where I nibble on her lobe.
When I have had my fill of that area, I make my way down and reach her breasts. I run my tongue around each nipple going back and forth and then suck them in my mouth. Her moans are about to make my dick burst and it has a mind of its own wanting to find her and claim her. I sit up and allow my fingertips to caress her body, from her neck to her stomach, one on each side, just drifting down her sides. She is covered in goose bumps and starts lifting her hips up to find me. I allow my hands to take the same route upwards this time and finally I position myself at her entrance.
Pushing in, I feel her clench around me and she is so damn tight, I don’t dare enter her in one push. I work my way in slowly with shallow thrusts until I am fully seated and still. I need a moment. “More, Jake. I need more,” she pleads with me. Grabbing on to her hipbones I pull all the way out and slam back in. She howls with pleasure mixed with pain and screams, “Like that, don’t stop.” So I don’t. Over and over I pound into her, not sure if it too powerful for her but I know I can’t stop. She raises her legs around my hips and digs her heels into my back to get more friction and then she shatters. I drive harder and harder into her until I am chasing my own release and spill inside of her.
Both covered in sweat, and intertwined with each other, we are silent. We both said all we wanted to with our bodies, and that cements my plans for while we are in Kansas. It scares the shit out of me, but nothing else has ever made me feel the way I do with her in my arms. I know her better than she knows herself and I will make it all right between us. We have a low-key dinner and another round of her body, and I am sated.
I am studying her face as we land in Missouri. My mom and Brian live about twenty minutes from the border, and will be here to pick us up. It isn’t snowing yet, but it won’t be long. I still made sure she packed plenty of warm clothes and I will make sure she layers up if we go out. “It is beautiful, Jake.”
“It is. I love it here.” As bad as I wanted to leave this place last time, I can’t deny it is my home.
My parents are waiting for us and excited as hell we are here together. My mom is sprouting all the plans she has; she wants to take Paisley shopping for Christmas stuff, she wants to take Paisley up to the dental office she works for and introduce her to everyone, she wants to take Paisley here and there. Finally, I have to object. “Mom, I just got back from six months without her. You can’t just take her everywhere and I don’t get any time with her.”
My mom looks at me sheepishly, “Rock, paper, scissors for her?” I start laughing and remind her she is senile and my girl isn’t leaving my side.
Brian says, “Quit trying to cut that girl in pieces, and let everyone enjoy the time together.” His word is final. I look at Paisley and she seems a bit overwhelmed. I know I am being selfish with her time, but I don’t want her out without me afraid someone will mention my predicament to her. Andy joins us that night, and he is totally enamored by her. If it was anyone else I would be ready to kick his ass, but it is my best friend. I trust him with her life, and that is a tall order.
I ask Andy to meet me at the house tomorrow evening, I want him to go somewhere with me. I am taking Paisley to my dad’s farm tomorrow and then I need Andy to help me put something together. He readily agrees and my mom suggests tomorrow evening be friends night. That way Pais can be introduced to everyone at once and doesn’t have to be drug around from house to house.
I am not sure how my dad will act towards her. You never know with that man, but as usual he is standoffish and doesn’t make an effort to take an interest in my life or in her at all. I give up and take Paisley to the barn where I saddle up a horse and try and talk her into a ride. She declines and says she will just watch me. I make sure she gets up on the fence okay and bring a blanket to wrap around her legs, and I set off on a ride to clear my head. I don’t go too far so she is always in my eyesight, and when it is time to leave my dad can’t be found. I don’t mention it and she doesn’t say anything to me but I am in a prickly mood.
I leave her at the table with my mom with a warning to her not to smoke too much. I know she is a bit miffed with me because I won’t let her know where I am going, and I am leaving her here. She wasn’t too happy with me and wasn’t hiding her feelings about my little adventure outside the house without her. I have plans that she needs to be left out of for now. All my friends should be coming over and with any luck they won’t let the cat out of the bag.
Andy and I do what we set out to do, and of course I run into Lisa downtown. That makes my mood even shittier so when I walk in the house and Paisley is half-drunk with a cigarette in her mouth and a full ashtray in between her and my mom, I lose my temper. I yell, cuss and break a glass. I have no idea what set me off, but this is not how Paisley acts. A few of the guys were looking at her with a smitten smile on their faces and doting on her every breath. That was a huge factor. All my friends but Andy scurry out of the house. I look at Paisley’s pale face and shocked expression and before I can apologize, my mom and Andy have dragged me towards the guest room.
They both light into me, telling me how ridiculous I am and how selfish I am to put that girl through all of this. Andy lays it to me, “You are going to drive her away, you and nothing else. Keep your shit together or let her go. She deserves better that what you are giving her.” I want to argue with him, point out her transgressions of drinking and smoking, but I realize what an idiot I sound like. Who fucking cares that she was drinking? She was sitting around my mom’s kitchen table, safe and sound.
“Y’all are done here, I can take care of myself. Please excuse us.” Hearing her voice and the tone of it has me whipping my head up and meeting the most pissed off eyes I have ever seen. Part of me wants to beg my mom to protect me, but she smiles at Paisley and walks out. Andy claps me on the shoulder, a silent good luck and follows my mom out.
“I won’t apologize again, I keep doing it over and over. I just need to fix my shit and stop acting like this.”
“Jake, you can apologize all you want, I won’t accept it. You acted like a dick back there, and not only did you embarrass me, you embarrassed yourself. I don’t know what your malfunction is, but I am tired of you taking it out on me. You did the same shit before you left and it almost destroyed us. I am telling you if you go back to that, I am out. You left with your best friend on a top-secret mission and come back here in a shitty mood, so do you want to tell me what you were up to?”
I stare in her eyes, begging her to trust me, “I can’t, Paisley.”
“Of course you can’t, Jake. As long as you are hiding whatever you are hiding, we don’t have a chance in hell.” I watch her storm out of the room and go right to the kitchen with my mom and light a cigarette. All my plans are going up in smoke, and I have to figure out how to salvage them. It can’t go down like this.
Chapter 19
Paisley
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br /> True love is selfless. It is prepared to sacrifice.
Sadhu Vaswani
I have never been more pissed off in my life. How dare he come in here like a damn Neanderthal, ranting and raving like a lunatic? I try to get to the bottom and get the ‘I can’t’ bullshit he is so fond of spewing. Rose is looking at me like she wants to say something and thank goodness we are as close as we are so I don’t feel bad when I tell her “No, I know he is your son, but don’t make excuses for him right now. I know he is upset from our visit today to his dad, but whatever happened when he and Andy left the house ruined his mood. If he won’t tell me what it is then I will assume the worst.” And I do. I picture him going over and seeing his little girl, and then hating me for having to come back here and be with me. I am taking him away from his little family. I want to kick my own ass for not confronting this head on, but I listened to Kara’s advice. “Pais, let him tell you when he is ready. It isn’t always what it seems.” So I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Right now, I am too pissed off to confront him. I tell Rose I am going to bed and ask her to make Jake sleep in the guest room, I don’t want to be around him right now.
I miss Krista so much right now; I need some advice. Kara isn’t always partial, and my mom . . . forget about it. I cry myself to sleep again; it is becoming a habit I am not fond of. When I awake the next morning and make my way upstairs, I am ready to act like a grown-up and talk things through. Rose informs me that he and Brian aren’t here and left about an hour ago. Once again, he leaves without telling me where he is going and this time without a good-bye. Fuck him. I go to take a shower and get ready. I may be in a strange state and not know where the hell I am, but I will get dressed and take a walk. I won’t be here waiting on him when his ass gets back and let’s see how he likes that. I take time with my hair and make-up, might as well make him really suffer, get dressed, and as I am putting on my boots, Jake comes barreling down the steps. I refuse to look at him and I won’t speak to him.
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