I stand up to walk up the steps so I can leave, and he blocks my path. I want to tell him to move and quit being a dick, but instead I continue to act like a toddler and refuse to open my mouth. He gives me his half smile that makes his dimple show and I am not caving. Then he drops down to one knee, grabs my hand and makes my heart melt, “Paisley Abigail, I know you are pissed at me. I left last night to get this ready and I left again this morning to get the rest of it.” He pulls out a black box and opens it. Inside is a plain gold band, with a solitaire diamond in the middle . . . a traditional engagement ring. “I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life showing you that. I want to give you the world, and I want you to be proud to have me as a husband. I want to be the man you go to bed with each night and wake up to each morning. I can’t picture any part of my life without you in it, standing by my side as my wife. Will you marry me?”
I hesitate. Is this really what I want? I love him. I do. But are we ready? Making the mistake of looking at him, meeting his gaze with his emotions all over his face, I know I won’t hurt him. We can figure it all out later. “Yes,” I tell him. My voice sounding more sure than I am about this decision. Rose and Brian run down the steps with donuts and roses. This is what he was doing last night, but why was he in a bad mood? Maybe his dad did upset him more than I realized. We are all happy and celebrating, and I decide I need to call my mom.
“Mom, Jake proposed. We are engaged.”
When I get, “Are you sure this is what you want? He didn’t even ask our permission.” At first I thought she was worried for me, but her last statement made me realize she was upset because it wasn’t about her. I roll my eyes and tell her yes I am sure and get off the phone. Rose and Brian leave us alone for a few minutes, and I want to use this time to clear the air. I should be grinning from ear to ear, but I am still apprehensive.
“Jake, this back and forth, high and low attitude has to stop. Last night scared me, and I don’t know what I did to make you so mad, but I don’t want to live the rest of my life on eggshells.”
“You just accepted my proposal, Paisley. Now you are backing out?”
Stubborn man. “No, the one thing I am sure of is that I do want to spend my life with you, just not the man you were last night, or right before you left for deployment. I want Paisley and Jake back, the one where you calmed me and not scared me, and the one where you were my light instead of throwing me into the dark. I let down every wall I had for you, and I don’t regret it. I don’t think I ever will, I never knew I could experience this feeling . . . the feeling you give me.” I pause so I can formulate my next words correctly without it being an ultimatum, “But I won’t live in a constant state of the unknown. You make me happy, but you also make me very sad at times, and I won’t allow my life to be in a constant state of turmoil. I love you, I want you and right now I do need you, but if push comes to shove and you keep on the path you are on, there may come a day where I don’t need you, and I can live with loving and wanting you without you in my life.”
I loathe that I just took what should be the happiest moment in our lives to date and threw a storm cloud over us, but I have to let him know how his behavior is affecting us. I may grin and bear it but he is fucking with my head and I won’t be that girl. I won’t be my mother whose identity is based on having a man; my sisters have fallen in that trap and I would rather be alone the rest of my life then become them. I know if Jake and I end, I will be alone because I won’t ever sacrifice myself and emotions like this again. I have allowed him to make me vulnerable, and unsure of myself and he is the only one I will ever surrender myself for. His love is that powerful over me.
“God, Paisley, I promise to always be the man you need. I have made so many mistakes, but I am done. The only thing I care about is you by my side, permanently. I know things haven’t been easy, and I take the blame. So many of my doubts have been put to ease since the moment you said ‘yes.’ Your love has left me wide open, and it is an unfamiliar yet very wanted feeling. I don’t think you realize the power you have over me. One look from you, and you can gut me or heal me. I know what I have done, and I am not proud. I see what it has done to you, what it could have done to us, and I have no desire to ever put us through that again. I only want to move forward, together. I still have the urge to protect you, keep you happy and take on the entire burden myself, but I hear you. You want to be an equal, and all I can do is promise to do my best.” His words just soothed my soul, calmed my fears and eased my doubts. I am staring into the eyes of the man I am going to marry.
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Since the rest of our time in Kansas went without issue and Jake was back to being the man I fell in love with, I let all my insecurities fade away. I love the new apartment, and since I have technically graduated and eighteen I moved in with him. He is pushing a wedding date, along with my mother and his, but I don’t want to plan a big wedding. He wants to have it here, for it to be easier for me and my family but wants it before he gets out so I move back with him. He is making all the plans for our move, and our life without consulting with me, at all.
Rose talked to me about the dental office she works at, which is part of the Veteran’s Administration campus and says she can get me a job. I had no idea I was going into dentistry until Jake and my mom told me there was a career college that offered dental assisting course and I could be done in eight months? Hello, what happened to me wanting to go to college and then law school? So here it is almost Christmas, I start school in January and will finish my externship for dental assisting in Kansas, working with my mother-in-law. Jake gets out in May, almost two years from when we met. I am starting to freak out about being an eighteen-year-old bride, everyone running my life, and no freedom. I thought these years were about me growing and finding myself, maturing and making mistakes that you learn from. How can I make mistakes when nobody lets me make decisions?
The smoking issue is at an all-time high. Jake has now taken to ‘limiting’ my cigarettes. He gives me four cigarettes at the beginning of the day and that is all I can have. I tried to reason, have yelled, screamed, and ignored him. Now, I have a spare pack in my car and smoke as much as I want when he isn’t here. I am still working for the heathens and that ends next week because of my new school schedule. He has taken the ‘protecting’ and ‘guiding’ me to a whole new level, and I am about to explode. He doesn’t react when I get mad and am spurring for a fight; he lets me get it all out, and then holds me or coerces me with sex to ‘see things his way.’ His tongue is always hard at work lately. I feel like I have nobody to talk to, and I may explode. Kara is busy with Adaleigh, and she is having a hard time with Rick. Our time is limited because our men think we influence each other, and Rick has re-enlisted. Kara and I sneak while they are at work and we both have so much going on with ourselves we aren’t able to support the other one. Her saving grace is that Rick is going back out on deployment in October, but I will already be married and in Kansas. I am trying my hardest to find a common ground and make anyone see my point but it doesn’t work.
I explain my views on college, but Jake says since his job with his dad will be entry-level we need more income, so that is on the back burner for now. I want to be engaged for a little while, but because we are moving and his job has insurance, we need to be married to cover me. He has a fucking reasonable explanation for my concerns but sometimes feelings aren’t reasonable . . . they just exist. I shouldn’t have to ‘resign’ myself to start this life, I should be rejoicing in it, and I feel like a bitch I can’t. I love him, and I want a future with him, but I envisioned a whole different life than he is planning. I am hoping the gift I have for Christmas will show him I am compromising, so he will, too. It is my last hope.
As he opens his gift, he looks at me confused. I have wrapped up a calendar with two dates circled in pink hearts. “Pick a date, babe.”
“Fo
r?”
“Our wedding. I am leaning towards the second date I have because it is the Saturday after you get out, and we won’t be stressing about your discharge stuff.” I know I made the right decision with this compromise when I see the smile take over his face and the way his eyes shine when he looks at me. I know he loves me, sometimes it just feels like it is too much.
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, my mom and I are going shopping next weekend for wedding dresses and then we can start planning.” He readily agrees with my choice, and the blissful days that follow reiterate my decision. There is no bickering, no nit picking, we are just back to being us.
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School starts and it isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It isn’t exactly what I want to be doing, but having interaction with other girls around my age is nice. Jake and I are back on tight rope walking to save this relationship, and I am past the point of caring. I tell myself that to make it easier, but I have died a little each day. I picked out my wedding dress; it is what I have always dreamt of. All white satin, with a crinoline underneath so it is typical fairy princess style. The back is cut out to form a heart and I couldn’t be more in love. I just don’t see myself walking down the aisle in it.
The fights are more intense, starting over the stupidest things, and lasting longer. Caroline, a girl in my class, and I have taken to studying every day when class ends. I find out she is engaged to someone in the Navy, but their relationship is so different from what I have been around. It is healthy. It is normal. They have people over, throw parties, do their own thing and are so in love it is crazy.
I told Jake I needed a few days away, I am spending the weekend with my parents. He has duty and won’t be home tonight anyway, but he isn’t happy with my ‘time away’ speech. The final straw was the argument last night. He has planned every aspect of our life down to the area we are going to live in. I brought up the taboo subject of kids.
“So, how about three years and kids?” I ask innocently. I want to be a young mom.
“How about we talk about it then?”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t see kids in my future, Paisley.” Oh that is bullshit. He just doesn’t see kids with me in his future.
“Well, Jake, last I checked it was our future. I want kids, and I won’t give in on this issue.”
“Paisley, is there really a reason to discuss this now? We can talk about later into our marriage.”
“So, then if you don’t want them then, it is screw what Paisley wants, which is so typical with you. No, Jake, we figure it out now.”
“Fine, say in eight years we talk about it.”
“Nope, how about in five years, we have them.”
“I am not committing to that. Why can’t we just enjoy married life and then decide what is best for us?”
“Because, you always decide what is good for us, and I am left to live with those decisions.”
He doesn’t answer me, probably thinking I will just get over it like usual. I don’t give in and pack a bag. On the way to my parents’ Caroline calls and says they are having a quick get together and wants me to come. Mentioning it to Jake was a mistake because he forbids me to go. I don’t know what changed inside of me at the moment, but I rebelled. I rebelled for every moment I feel was robbed from me. All the “Paisley don’t do this,’ ‘Paisley don’t wear that,’ ‘Paisley, this makes more sense my way.’ I completely fucking lost it and told the love of my life, my fiancé, my hero, to fuck himself, and we were done. Just like that it was over. I didn’t shed a tear, I didn’t listen to him apologize, I didn’t listen to my mom trying to reason with me.
Nope, I got ready like I was an eighteen-year-old girl, and when I looked in the mirror I didn’t recognize myself. I went to that party and made one of the worst decisions of my life and never looked back.
Chapter 20
Jake
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm
I am losing her. I have pushed for this schooling and pushed for everything I think will make our life better in the long run, and I have pushed her right away from me. I was so busy trying to make our life perfect, release her of her burdens so she would never be stressed and take it all on myself, I didn’t see her slipping further and further away. I don’t know how to be what she wants. I don’t know how to let go and be the man I was before every reasonable thought was erased from my mind and all I could think about was keeping Paisley. I suffocated her, and I lost her. She won’t take my calls, I am stuck on this ship for another twelve hours, and I can’t go beg and plead with her.
I had the perfect opportunity to open up and tell her when she brought up kids. I have had so many opportunities, and I can’t continue to do this to her. I can’t give her what she wants, what she deserves, and I am afraid I have to let her go. She deserves the white picket fence, and I can’t give it to her, but I don’t know how to let her go. I may not have a chance to somehow redeem myself, because I have never heard her so cold, so distant before. I keep repeatedly calling her and texting and get no response. I can’t sleep, I can’t stop thinking about what just happened, and I don’t want it to end like this. I don’t want it to end at all, but I want to hold her, comfort her and kiss her good-bye. I don’t want it to end with her hating me, I can’t bear that. I have nobody to blame but myself, and I do, over and over. Not knowing what to do, I call my mom.
“Jake, it is two in the morning, what is wrong?”
I break. Being on this boat isn’t the best place for it to happen, but I can’t help it. I have a sour taste in my mouth, and feel as I may be sick at any moment. My eyes are burning with unshed tears, and I know the next words will devastate my mom. “I lost her, Mom. Paisley left me, and I think she means it.”
She is quiet for a few moments, and I hear her sniffles. “What happened?”
“Where do I start? I just wanted so badly for her to be with me forever, that I pushed her so far away. She brought up kids, and I said no. That isn’t what it is all about, but it was the breaking point for her and now I can’t get in touch with her.”
“Jake, I told you this would happen. You should have told her the truth months ago. It is never too late. Open up, son, tell her what you are feeling, and maybe with some time it will work out.” She doesn’t understand. She didn’t hear the final conversation with Paisley.
“I know. I don’t know if it would have made a difference. Either she left me then or now. I can’t help the basic need I have to shelter her, protect her from the unknown.”
“You don’t give her enough credit. You don’t know what would have happened if you were truthful. Sheltering her and controlling her are different, Jake. I know you love her, and I know that girl loves you, but if you don’t trust her to love you through the good and bad times, then you need to let her go. I know that hurts, but it is the truth. Life isn’t a bed of roses, and sometimes the thorns snag you. Your choices haven’t been the choices for this relationship, they have been what you deemed were necessary to protect your lie and your love. You didn’t factor in letting her take on some responsibility and being the girl you love. She is stronger than you ever give her credit, and I hate to tell you, she is strong enough to live without you. She may now want to, but she can. You have been so blinded by your own fears, you haven’t opened your eyes and embraced all that she brings to the table. I don’t know where you learned women are weak, but I raised you without your dad’s help, and until Brian came along and shared my life, all of it, not just the parts I allowed him into, I did just fine.”
She is right. What I saw as her struggling and a burden, she viewed as her life and her choice. I don’t know how to process this. I don’t know what application I can put on this wound to fix it, not even superglue will piece us back together.
“Sorry, Mom. I messed up.”
“Honey, I am sorry, too. For both of you. You did mess up, but if you can fix it, try. If not, be the man I raised you to be and let her go. Love her enough for that.”
“I do love her. So much that this is killing me.” I hang up and watch the minutes pass by on my watch. Right before I am relieved of my duty I take my watch off and stare at the inscription on the back. I guess timeless does have a limit and I just reached it. I drag myself in the apartment and notice none of her things have been touched. Since it is Saturday I know she is home, no school and she isn’t working anywhere. I try her phone one more time and to my surprise she answers.
“Paisley, beautiful, talk to me.”
“What do you want me to say? I think we have said all that there is.”
“Are you really leaving me? What can I say? I will do anything. If you want kids tomorrow, fine. Done. Just don’t give up on us.”
She lets out the most sardonic laugh I have ever heard. “Give up on us? You never had faith in me, never trusted in me, not once, Jake, not for one damn minute. You have never treated me like an equal, even when I begged it has always been your way or no way.”
“That isn’t true. God, I love you. I am sorry for everything. I’ve fucked it all up, and I will do what I need to so I can fix it.”
“No, you can’t fix this. It is true, you try and call it protecting me, and I call it stunting my growth. I haven’t decided one damn thing in my life lately. You have it all mapped out. When I tried to voice my concerns, they were shut down without any kind of discussion. Kids? Oh you don’t know if you even want them? What about the one you already have? So if we are being honest here, let’s be really honest. You don’t not want kids; you just don’t want them with me. Well, congratulations, Jake, there is no chance of that.”
Pieces of Paisley Page 16