She knows about Laura. How? “How long have you known?”
“From the morning you left on your six month deployment. I stupidly sat around thinking you would tell me the truth Trust me with that part of your life. Joke is on me. You don’t trust me at all, you want to mold me to be what you want, what you expect out of a wife. Well you can’t. I will be by tomorrow. Please have my stuff together.” I hear her hang up, and I know it is done. For almost a year she has sat on this information, information I deceived her with and she still agreed to marry me, she still stood by and let me control what we were going to do and when we were going to do it. Through all of it, she was putting all her faith in me, and I broke that. Now, I am the one broken.
I have no more fight in me. I can’t do that to her. I can’t put her feelings on the backburner and act like they don’t matter anymore. Now, I have to put her feelings, and only hers, first and hope like hell she will be happy. Hope I didn’t break her. She was so damn afraid of opening up and loving, and I pushed her. I made her love me, and God, did she love me. I made her change her life’s course, and then I demolished it. Like a fucking bulldozer comes in and razes buildings down, I just demolished any chance of future with her. I do the only thing I can. I start packing and boxing up all her things. After each picture I pack, each article of clothing I fold, I take stock of my room and realize how empty it is. Just like my life and heart will be. I am thankful I only have three months left here, but then I will be a thousand miles away and that will be the end of us, completely.
I can’t bring myself to take down the poem her sister had framed for her. She gave it to Paisley while I was deployed and that was Paisley’s pride and joy.
LOVING A SAILOR
Loving a sailor is a high price to pay
Loving him truly is hard when he’s away
Its being alone with nothing to hold, it’s being young, yet feeling so old
Its having him whisper his love for you, its whispering back that you love him too
There comes a kiss and a promise for more, as his ship slowly pulls away from the shore
Reluctantly, painfully, letting him go
While your insides are dying from wanting him so
Watching him leave with eyes full of tears
Standing alone with your hopes, dreams, and fears
Its sending a letter with the stamp upside down
To a faraway love in a faraway town
Days go by slowly, how many have passed?
Then suddenly you realize it’s here at last
Remember he’s thinking of you every day
He’s sad and he’s lonely while so far away
So love him and miss him and hold your head high
Be strong and have faith, wipe that tear from your eye
Your mans a seafarer, like that old ancient trader
It’s a high price to pay for loving a sailor.
-Author Unknown
She told me that got her through a lot of nights when I was gone. I don’t even know if she is going to want it back, but I can’t keep it. I can’t keep anything that will remind me of her. This has to be a clean break otherwise I will call and beg her daily, and I can’t do that to her. I let my mom know what happened and I know she is disappointed in me, but she will always be there for me.
“Can I call Paisley? Not on your behalf, but I love her Jake. I want her to know I don’t blame her, and if she ever wants to talk or keep in touch, I will be here.”
I can’t deny her that. She wanted Paisley as a daughter as much as I wanted her for a wife. “Sure, Mom. Just don’t push her.”
“I won’t. Call me if you need me. I love you.”
Paisley calls me and lets me know she is on her way at nine o’clock. I am going on over forty-eight hours of no sleep, and I pray for strength to get through this. I hear the knock on the front door, and I open it to see her on the other side. My heart seems to speed up and crash to my stomach at the same time. I remember the first time I saw her over the crowd at the beach house. I look into her eyes and they are the most beautiful color of jade I have seen. Her eyes seem to get really green when she is emotional or mad, but I haven’t seen this shade of green yet.
“You didn’t have to knock.” I want to make this as cordial as possible. I want her to feel at ease.
“Not my home anymore.” She is giving me nothing to work with. I open the door for her to step inside. She follows me down the hall to our bedroom and starts grabbing boxes to take out. I pick up the heavier suitcases and take them out behind her purposely leaving a small box so she has to come back in. Something that took us so long to build together is being dismantled
in less than one hundred steps. I count, it is seventy-six steps from our bedroom to the parking lot.
“Is this it?” She asks.
“I think there is another box.” She turns and walks to the apartment, and I follow her. She grabs the small box and makes her way to the front door. “Paisley, are you not going to say good-bye?”
“I will be right back,” I watch her take the box and place it in her Jeep, and she comes back. She steps over the threshold and stares at me. She seems unsure of where to look and what to do. I grab her hand gently and pull her to the couch.
“One last dance?” I plead with her.
“I don’t think I can.” She is struggling to hold on. I decide it is now or never.
“Paisley, before I found out about Laura, I was already doubting having kids. There are so many unknowns in the world, and I am afraid of them harming my child. I know marriage is supposed to be forever, and I would have given it all I had with our marriage and I believe somehow we would have made it, but coming from a split home, you know the doubts and long term effects that can have on you. I never want that for my child, and then the one I didn’t even know about, is about to have her life possibly turned upside down. I allowed that fear to control a decision we should have come to together, and for that I apologize. She looks at me like she is wavering on her decision to end us. I should have just explained everything before instead of hiding behind my reasons and fears.
When I think I may be getting her back, she breaks down and repeats over and over the word, “No.” I can’t do this to her. I have to make this as painless as possible for her. I hold out my hand and she takes it. I pull her to me and start the iPod and this song has been on repeat, has become my new mantra. ‘Smile’ by Lonestar comes through the speakers, and I feel her whole body shudder. I hold her, and no words are spoken. I don’t think I will be able to let her go when the song ends. I am so scared that this is really it for us, and I am begging God silently to do something, change the outcome of this.
The song ends too soon, and she is pulling out of my arms. I lift my hand to her cheek and cup her face. Slowly I bend down and give her a gentle kiss. I can taste her tears, and I know mine are mixing in. “I love you, Paisley. Never forget that. Please, don’t ever forget me.”
She can’t speak, she just nods her head and picks up her left hand and pulls the engagement ring off her finger and places it in my palm before she walks away.
Chapter 21
Paisley
Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion.
Javan
I keep reminding myself I did the right thing in walking away. I did it for my protection, my sanity, but it still feels like I am being torn in two. I have heard the term heart-break but now I am actually experiencing it, and that is exactly what it feels like; it hurts to breath, my chest is heavy and painful, I can’t stop crying and I want to vomit every time I see food. My entire body aches, down to the roots of my hair. I tell myself it will be the last time I cry over him, and yet, I could still flood a river with the tears I am expelling. I went to the party at Caroline’s on Friday night. I was having an okay time, but when some guy started hitting on me I had to leave. I may have technically been single, but in my heart I was still Jake’s.
Pull
ing out of the apartment complex I had to find the nearest gas station and pull over because I couldn’t see. I felt like my eyes were swollen shut, and I couldn’t make out the cars in front of me. I try and get my breathing under control and it is making me more panicked. I call my mom; she is my only choice. Thirty minutes later, she and Marcus pull up and I opt to ride with Marcus in my Jeep. I just can’t take it anymore from my mom. She thinks I should overlook the way he makes me feel, look over his indiscretion, after all, she says, it happened before me. No, the lies continued with me. I can’t continue to overlook things, or sweep it under the rug. I tried explaining it to her, telling her I have swept so much under the rug that I was tripping on it every time I took a step. She thinks I am being dramatic and I think she is being naïve. Marcus doesn’t say anything to me until we reach the driveway.
“Paisley, you do what makes you happy. You don’t seem to happy baby girl.”
“I’m not right now. I am hurt and I am sad. But if I went back I would continue to lose myself, and that wouldn’t work either. I don’t want to be divorced in five years, and if it is this hard already it won’t get any easier.”
“You have a good head on your shoulders. You have always been the independent one, the fearless one. I trust in your decision, and we will be here to help you in whatever you need.”
“Yeah, make sure you tell your wife that.” I get out of the car and thank him for coming to my rescue. I immediately go to my room and shut the door. I wish I still had the ‘Do Not Enter’ sign from when I was six, but that wouldn’t stop Lily.
I didn’t even bring my stuff in from the apartment. I was so excited the day we packed up my room, thinking that we would have no more nights apart. Now I am facing a lifetime without him, and I don’t know how to get through it. The call from Rose about did me in. I could barely speak through it and she just told me how much she loved me, that she didn’t blame me at all and that I always had a place in her life and her heart.
I finally get around to telling Kara, although she knew from Rick. She was supportive and said I did the right thing, but our time was even more limited because Rick really hated me now. It has been three weeks since I last said good-bye to Jake and my left ring finger still feels bare. I had the ring barely four months, but I feel like it was imprinted there.
Caroline is having another party and has been begging me to come all week. She keeps telling me someone was asking about me. I tell her I am not ready and really not in the mood, luckily she understands. I go to the mall to get some new clothes because all mine are swimming on me and as I walk out of the store, I am sucker punched in the stomach. All the air leaves my lungs in one giant exhale and I have spots swimming in my eyes. I wasn’t prepared for this. This wasn’t an option. I keep staring hoping my eyes are betraying me. I see Jake, standing in the food court, talking and laughing like nothing is wrong, and when he turns to head into the movies and places his hand on the small of the girl’s back he was chatting with, I am reminded that it is really over.
Enter self-destruction mode. I call Caroline and tell her I will be there, that I changed my mind. She is shocked, but happy. I then coyly tell her to make sure the ‘someone’ that was asking about me, knew I would be there. I don’t need Jake, I don’t need anyone; that day was the last day I cried over Jake.
Part II
Chapter 22
Paisley (Sean)
There is no standing still because time is moving forward.
Greg Lake
The party is in full swing by the time I arrive in the shortest shorts I own and a tank top that leaves a few inches of my stomach bare. As I walk through the door I spot Caroline and when she notices me, she bounds over and raises her eyebrows at my attire. I just smile at her, “What does a girl have to do to get a drink around here?” I ask her.
Before she replies I hear a deep voice respond, “Tell me your name and promise you will marry me.” I roll my eyes as I turn around. Checking out the guy now standing in front of me, I am not disappointed. Not as tall as Jake, but his polar opposite. Spiked blonde hair, with mesmerizing stark blue eyes. Well-built with full muscles.
I give him my best smile, “Paisley.”
He smiles back, showing a perfect set of professionally whitened teeth, “Sean. What is your poison?”
“Whatever. Just no tequila.” Although that used to be my drink of choice, I am breaking out of my comfort zone. He turns to go fetch my drink and Caroline starts laughing.
“What, Caro?”
“Oh, that is your someone. He has been pacing the floor, eyes glued to the door since I told him you were coming. By the way, he knew your name, knows your age, and also that you are just coming out of an engagement. He has been warned by me.”
“Did he want my social security number and favorite sexual position, too? Damn, you could have left some for the imagination.”
“I did, see I didn’t tell him what a snarky bitch you are.” I just laugh at her, and think it will get the formalities out of the way.
“Quick, tell me his story.”
“He is in the Navy,” I roll my eyes. “Shut up, I am engaged to one remember, what do you expect? He is shore duty, a bit older, but very easy on the eyes.”
All that is superficial and self-explanatory. “How much older?”
“Uh, twenty-seven.” Holy shit.
“That is almost ten years older, don’t you think it is a bit strange that he is interested in me?”
“No, not really. Honestly, Paisley, I have known him for two years, and he is so damn picky it isn’t even funny. Most of the girls throw themselves at him and he isn’t interested. You, he hasn’t stopped talking about since he saw you, and when I told him what just went down, he didn’t blink an eye. He is a good guy.”
Okay, this may work. “Caro, remember I just got out of something, I am not looking for long term, hell I don’t know what I am looking for.”
“Don’t over think it. Just go into it with an open mind and see what happens.” I nod at her just as Sean comes walking up with my drink.
“Don’t let anyone but me make your drink. There are some assholes here and you never know what will happen.” I am about to roll my eyes at him as I think, great another protective one. “Just trying to keep you safe. Have as many as you want, have a good time, but just let me make your drinks.”
I can handle that. “Thanks,” I tell him sincerely. We chat for a bit and get to know each other. He has an older brother, both are career military and from Minnesota. He is very forth coming, and when I get up and tell him I am going to find Caroline he doesn’t seem to mind and rejoins his friends.
I am getting white girl wasted and before long the dancing starts, and shots, and drinking games. I luckily remember to text my mom and tell her I am not coming home after Caroline offers her pull out sofa. Sean makes his presence known but not overbearing, just enough that I don’t get irritated already with him. The party is breaking up and a few guys go outside to set off some fireworks, and Caroline reminds her fiancé not to let them back in because we are going to bed. She gives me a t-shirt to sleep in and while I am changing she gets the sofa bed ready. I am ready to pass out and I am pretty sure I do once my head hits the pillow.
I wake up to light streaming in from the back door and hot as hell. I go to roll over, and it is like I am a burrito in the blankets. Something shifts next to me, and I can free myself from the blankets. I turn to look, and I see Sean on top of the covers, propped up on his elbow smiling down at me. He looks like he has showered and perfectly put together. Except he is shirtless and has a nice chest. I chastise myself for the train of thought, “Good morning,” he says.
Does he not see how awkward I am feeling right now? I don’t remember inviting him in to bed with me and frankly, I just don’t remember much of last night. I can’t look him in the face. What if I had sex with him? I am such a ho. I get drunk and wake up with strangers. Technically, he isn’t a stranger, but we have definitely not r
eached the rank of fucking. “Relax, Paisley. I slept on top of the covers, nothing happened, and I wouldn’t take advantage of a situation like that. I promise, I am not a bad guy.”
“Isn’t that what the bad guys say? Trust me, get to know me, I’m not bad. I think everything you just said is the mantra they use.” He really doesn’t seem like a bad guy, but again I don’t have much experience to go on.
“Fair enough. Why don’t you have dinner with me tonight and find out for yourself. You can even drive yourself until you get to know me better.” Can I do this? Can I really start dating so soon? I again see Jake’s hand on the small of said whore’s back and have my answer.
“Sounds great, and I will be driving myself,” I soften the statement when I wink at him.
“Oh, this is going to be fun. It has been a long while since someone was able to keep me guessing.”
“Stick around, I usually keep myself guessing.” He gives me a dazzling smile, and I can’t help but notice it doesn’t do anything for me. I miss the butterflies and excitement I used to get every single time Jake looked at me. I push those thoughts to the back of my mind, and concentrate on Sean finalizing our plans.
I spend the rest of the day at home, organizing my room and making sure every memory of Jake and I is packed up. I want to put them into the abyss of mind and pray they never come out. I fight back my emotions, remembering the promise I made to myself to not shed one more tear over him.
These are the times I wish he had Facebook. He never would relent on that argument and hated that I had one. He said people would use the information against me. His mom had one and I decide to be petty. I want him to know I have moved on just like he has. Updating my status to read “Nerves starting- #firstdates.” I hit post before I can think too much about it, and I always have the option to delete.
Pieces of Paisley Page 17