Pieces of Paisley

by Leigh Ann Lunsford

  After Ellis I swore off guys, yet again. Without my partner in crime to go out trolling with, my prospects have dwindled, and when I go out with Steve and the guys, no other male can get near me. I gave into the basic need for sex and slept with one of the guys, Owen, and the next morning when he expected a relationship, I had to crush his dreams. This guy was the biggest sex talker, playing it off like a night with him is what fantasies are made of. He lied, or is delusional. It was nothing to write home about, and when he didn’t want to leave my side for days, I lost it. He has never come back around, and Steve still laughs about it.

  A new guy is over today, and he seems quiet, not the usual in your face that I am used to with this crowd. His name is Peter, and he has taken an interest in me. When he gets a phone call that turns into a screaming match, I am immediately turned off. He sits down beside me when he ends the call and acts like none of that happened. “Problems?” I ask him. I am naturally inquisitive and when it seems like World War III just went down in my living room, you bet your ass I want answers.

  “Just my wife. She wants me to take our daughter tonight, but it isn’t my weekend.” Do I have a sign on my head flashing ‘Only Interested in Losers’ or am I just an easy target? Just once I would like to meet an unattached male with no kids, no baggage and not in the armed services. I extract myself from the couch and decided I need a very long grocery store trip . . . immediately. I call Steve and tell him to get everyone out and there is a new rule, no more married men, separated men, attached men or daddies allowed over. I don’t care if he has to pre-screen his friends, this rule is non-negotiable.

  The rest of the year is flying by and Steve is being discharged. He is moving back home to New York and I will miss him so much. We have our going away party, and promises to keep in touch, but I know once life gets in the way, the phone calls will stop, the emails unanswered and we will have the occasional chat on Facebook. Some of the guys, when they join the military at eighteen and are thrust in to a whole new way of life, it is scary and exhilarating for them, but it isn’t their life. They live it up, and have a blast for the four years, but return to their normal lives and we all become a distant memory. I don’t have that luxury, this is my life.

  Summer is nearing and I decide to visit Kara in Canada and then I will bring Adaleigh back to stay with us for summer. Kara will fly down and visit and then return home. Rick’s threat is no longer existent, he has met someone and she is pregnant so Adaleigh and Kara are a memory, albeit they are still married. Kara won’t leave Canada though, she has discovered a new love; search and rescue missions. She is rock climbing, ice climbing, and any other activity that has a possible death wish. My mom will keep Adaleigh during the day when I work and I will have her the rest of the time. I was lucky enough to secure two weeks off from work and I am so excited about this trip.

  I get an email from Krista as I am packing; our friendship never fully repaired itself, but we try and keep in touch. I am not the same person I was almost five years ago, I am jaded and don’t forgive that easily, the opposite of the naïve girl I was when she took me to that beach house. I avoid emotions, I steer clear of confrontation and I protect myself by insulating myself in this bubble I live in. Krista is in North Carolina and getting married. I immediately congratulate her and then dwell on that the entire plane ride. Krista is now me; or how I was with Jake. Idealistic, in love and happy. How did she do that? She was so hurt and closed off after Tim, and that was our demise. I couldn’t reach her, she wouldn’t allow anyone in and that description reminds me of myself right now. If she did it, got the courage to love and live again, maybe there is hope for me. I don’t make any promises to myself but I think maybe if I don’t guard the walls of my heart hostage that life won’t continue to pass me by.

  I have lived since Jake. I just haven’t felt the living I have done. I have partied, I have had innocent and youthful interactions and relationships, but I don’t allow them to fully penetrate in my soul so I can fully experience them. I am going to try and do that starting with my trip to Canada. Kara is picking me up and we are going to a bar, with all her friends, and then back to crash at someone’s condo. She says tomorrow we are all going rock climbing and what she means is they are climbing and I am observing. After that, I get to see my Adaleigh. She is almost four years old and I haven’t gotten to squeeze her in way too long.

  I jump into Kara’s arms as soon as I see her, and I have to admit this move back was the best thing for her. She looks healthy and happy. She seems finally at peace with herself. We get my bags, load them in her car and take off. She is talking a mile a minute about everyone that is going to be there, and I have no clue who she is talking about. I sit back and listen to her chatter not really hearing anything and relax for the first time in a really long time. The bar is huge and loud, and one thing I have discovered is that Canadians love their beer and liquor. Shots are free flowing and we keep getting offered beers I have never heard of. All of them lethal; the alcohol content in beer is a lot higher here and I am feeling it when I make my way on the dance floor with Kara. We are tipsy, covered in sweat and I take a break. I sit down and make small talk with a few of the guys and girls I remember and when a shot is set in front of me, and I turn to see who delivered it, I feel it. That feeling I have missed so much. The breathless, giddy, nervous anxiety that slipped through my fingers is back, but this time in the form of a blonde haired, brown eyed male. He isn’t tall, under six feet and not hugely built, lankier, but something about him makes me feel. He gives me a sweet smile and I can’t help but notice his slightly crooked front tooth. He is boy next door cute, and I want to be the girl he pushes on the swing. “Noah,” he introduces himself.

  “Paisley,” I tell him.

  “I know, Kara has been talking about you forever, we already know you. I don’t think there is one embarrassing fact you have that we haven’t been privy too.” I would like to kick Kara’s ass right about now.

  “That’s lovely,” I sarcastically point out.

  “It is for me because I kind of fell for you before ever meeting you.” Is he for real? He seems so sincere and different from what I am used to. First impressions are a lot and he is hitting it out of the park. I don’t have a comeback for his admission.

  He seems to know I am at a loss for words and surprisingly doesn’t capitalize on it, just smiles at me and lets the conversations take over the table. I am aware of him all night and when the group goes to head out, he asks if I would like to ride with him. As much as my heart is saying yes, I lead with my head, “I don’t really know you, so no.” He takes it in stride.

  “You will know me, I promise.” It isn’t delivered in that cocky way that turns me off, it is just a promise, very sincere. As soon as we get in the car Kara pounces.

  “Noah?” I don’t answer her, but the smile creeping on my face gives me away. “I knew it Paisley, when I met him he just screamed at me that he was for you. Seeing your reaction tells me I was right. He really is a good guy, Pais. I wouldn’t lie to you.”

  “I felt something tonight for the first time, it is unnerving but not unwelcome. I have missed that feeling.” She squeals like only a toddler would, and we arrive at the condo we are staying at tonight. Early the next morning she awakens me and forgets that I am not a morning person and in a different time zone than I am used to.

  “Noah and the gang are waiting on us,” she mentions and that is all it takes to kick my ass in gear. I throw my long hair up in a ball cap put on a t-shirt and shorts, brush my teeth and we leave. “Not trying too hard, huh Pais?” she is looking over my make-up free face and attire.

  “Shut it, bitch.” I don’t want to seem too eager and I don’t want to push something if it isn’t there.

  The day is a blast except when somehow I ended up in a harness climbing the side of a mountain. It may have been a mini-mountain but I still had to climb that bitch. That was the most exhilarating and scariest moment. When I got to the top and had to go
back down, Noah was the first one there taking my harness off and telling me how proud he was of me. Later I realized he was the one manning my rope and that gave me a sense of peace I wasn’t expecting. On the way out, the rest of the group wants to stop for a drink, but I am really anxious to see Adaleigh.

  I don’t want to disappoint anyone, but when I explain it to them, Noah is the first to speak up. “I just fell a little more,” he winks at me. Kara has planned a camping excursion in the mountains for us in two days, and I am less than thrilled. I don’t camp unless it has ‘hotel’ listed after the accommodations. They tease me and tell me the bears probably won’t be out because it is July, but that does nothing to ease my nerves. Instead, Noah and Kara plan for us to meet somewhere tomorrow night and have some drinks before we go camping.

  Nothing could have prepared me for seeing Adaleigh. Yes, there is Skype and I have seen her plenty, but holding her little body in my arms is a feeling I have missed. She can make everything seem so trivial and make you grateful for what you do have. Kara has to work tomorrow and then is off for the rest of the time I am here, so tomorrow it is princess and me. We spend the day doing nails and watching cartoons. We walk to the park at the end of the street, and it is like we were never separated. She is so excited about coming back with me and cries when we leave that night. I reassure her telling her the next two days we are camping.

  I dressed in a spaghetti strap lavender tank top and jean shorts. We pull up to this huge-ass mall. “Uh, Kara, I don’t need to shop” She laughs at me and leads us in anyway.

  I am in shock. There is a fucking indoor water park in this mall, a whole area of bars and stores galore. I have never seen anything like it. She just grabs my arm pulling me out of my stupor and drags me in a bar. I see Noah and another guy sitting at the table and my stomach takes little dives and turns. I bounce on my feet excitedly and have to knock it off when Kara starts laughing at me again.

  We make our way over and Noah stands up and ushers me in the booth. He is so close to me I can feel his body heat. I am immediately nervous so Kara hurries and orders us a pitcher of beer. The guy with him is his cousin, Jamie. I immediately feel at ease with Jamie and he reminds me of Tristan’s friend, Vance. Before long we are all laughing and joking and occasionally I feel Noah’s hand brush against my leg, or he wraps it behind me.

  Jamie starts throwing a quarter in my drink . . . well, a Canadian quarter. They all yell “Save the Queen,” which is I guess the equivalent to quarters in the States. The Queen is on their coins and when they put her in your drink you have to chug so you save her. After the fourth time someone does this to me, I blurt out, “Fuck that Queen, she can drown.” I don’t mean any disrespect but I don’t want to puke tonight. They all get the biggest kick out of my statement and immediately stop throwing coins in my drink. Kara and I are talking a mile minute and finishing each other’s sentences and when she accidently mentions a night out with Jake, my heart doesn’t seize and threaten to stop beating. She immediately looks guilty and I wave it off and realize that this is a good thing. We all had lots of good times and bad times, but they are all part of our history and our memories. We have to relive some of the bad to remember the good and I don’t want to curl into the fetal position and die.

  Once we leave it is freezing. Coming in this evening I was comfortable in my outfit, now I am freezing. Noah warns me it may snow in the mountains and I don’t believe him. It is July, where does it snow in July especially when it was just like seventy-two degrees. He wraps his arms around me and his body heat transfers to me and I stop myself from melting into him. Until he leans down and kisses me. It starts soft and gentle but the second his tongue slips in my mouth, I feel shocks in my stomach and my knees buckle. I return his kiss eagerly and we are broken up by Jamie and Kara being obnoxious. He says he will see me later and I believe him.

  Camping is not what I thought it would be. As we drive up into the mountains it is getting colder. When I see white shit falling from the sky I beg Kara to turn around and go home. The first campsite we stop at is closed, for a fucking bear sighting so we have to go further up the mountain. Kara explains that we don’t keep any food in our car or tent, nothing that has a scent so lotions, shampoos and even makeup get locked in this metal box contraption and kept away from our camp area. I decide right now that if I survive this trip, we won’t be friends anymore.

  The further we get and the more snow that comes down I can’t help but get excited. I make her pull over into a lookout spot. I hop out and find myself twirling in the snow, sticking my tongue out and catching it. I hear Adaleigh giggle and run over and get her out of the car. We run in circles laughing and it hits me. In this moment I am living, I feel joy, excitement, happiness and it isn’t crippling me. I hear Kara snapping pictures and then Adaleigh and I pose for a few. Camping wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t something that I ever care to repeat in my life. I was cold, dirty and genuinely not a ‘happy-camper.’

  My days are dwindling down, and I leave in two days. Tomorrow night we are all going out but tonight Noah is taking me on a date. We have spent a lot of time together and it seems so natural, I am at ease with him and everything flows. I don’t love him, but I think I could. He takes me to his parents’ house because they are out of town. Out on the deck he has a table set up with food, wine, candles and flowers. It is so romantic and thought out, I am in awe. After dinner we get in the hot tub and the dreaded conversation starts.

  “I don’t want you to leave, Paisley,” he is so sad.

  “I don’t want to either, but I have to. Noah, I never expected to meet you, let alone develop feelings for you. I don’t know what to do.”

  He kisses me hard and I think it is to silence me; he doesn’t want to hear that this is the end. Things become heated and when he strips my bathing suit off me, I don’t tense, I don’t think and allow my feelings to pour from me. Our encounter wasn’t passionate but was sensual and exquisite. He worshiped every inch of me with his hands and when we finally came together it felt right. I had always held a piece back during everyone but Jake, except this time. I enjoyed the emotional connection I gave into, I felt cherished and beautiful for the first time in a long time. As I was lying in Noah’s arms, I came to a rash decision. “Noah, I am moving here. When I get home, I am putting my house up for sale, and I will make it work.” His career in rescue was here; I could make a life anywhere. This is what I said I was going to do after graduation, find a place and start over. I never did, but now I have a reason to. Noah has become my new reason. He is in disbelief and stares at me for an agonizingly long time before he takes me in his arms and makes love to me again.

  I tell Kara about my decision the next morning and she seems hesitant. “I thought you would be happy, we would be back together again.”

  “I am, I miss you so much and Adaleigh will be thrilled. I just hate you making another life changing decision based on a guy.”

  “I know it seems that way, but honestly, it is everything You, Noah and Adaleigh together. I thought you liked me with Noah.”

  “For a fling, not an eternity.” That was harsh and we start our last night together for a few months very tense. The alcohol quickly infuses our body and our drama from earlier is forgotten. When ‘First Time’ by Lifehouse plays and I find myself in Noah’s arms, I don’t doubt anything. I look over and see Kara wipe a tear and I think she finally believes this is the right decision.

  Telling my mom the next day didn’t cause any waves. Again, as long as she is part of the decision or at least felt like I was consulting her she was fine with whatever I did. I worked like crazy the next few weeks, turning in my resignation, packing up my belongings, and listing the house. Adaleigh and I went to the movies and parks but never the beach. That was one place I didn’t go to anymore. I talked to Noah all the time and Kara checked in infrequently.

  My house wasn’t selling and I was beginning to think I wasn’t going to move. I had to get special permission to stay in
Canada for an extended time and Kara’s mom being headmistress at the college helped. I had to enroll in a few classes and I chose some accounting courses. Two weeks before I was scheduled to move, my step dad came up with a solution. He had always wanted to buy and rent houses and make an investment out of it, so my house was the first one. I couldn’t believe I was making a huge step in life and it was all my doing.

  Kara arrived and we did our going out and drinking and she seemed to come out of her funk and was almost normal, the drive to Canada took us three days and those are memories I will forever carry with me. Noah is waiting at the rental house I found on line and I love it. Three bedrooms, two baths, and a huge piece of property. There is a built in fire pit outside and everyone is already planning parties here. The best thing is it fully furnished, dishes, towels, everything I need but my personal items. The front bedroom has bunk beds that we decide immediately will be for Adaleigh. Classes won’t start for me for a few months, right after the first of the year, and I will celebrate my twenty-second birthday with this group of people I am growing to love. Maybe you can start over, new beginnings and without chapters ending in your life you would never get to experience this.

  Chapter 27

  Jake

  Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.

  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

  I never thought I would be twenty-five and divorced. Divorce never figured into my future when I envisioned it. I should have never married Autumn and I have no idea who I was proving anything to. It started as proving something to myself that I could live without Paisley. I made the sacrifice and let her go so I couldn’t do anything to change that.