My lifeline to her was through my mom. The day she decided to cut that off I felt like she ripped my air supply out. Paisley never cut off the social media with my mom, so I could see her that way. I would stare at my mom’s account forever, soaking up all the tidbits of information I could find on her timeline.
She has been partying a lot which is out of character for her, but people change. Autumn always knew she was a substitution for Paisley. I can’t call her a replacement because nobody will ever replace the part of my soul she owns. After three years we just couldn’t make it work. She has moved back home to Florida and I wasn’t sad to see her go. It was a huge relief.
I came by my mom’s to let her know some decisions I have made. I want to let her know I am leaving the security firm and starting college. I want to become an engineer. I thought working with my dad was my dream and I have gotten to do everything I wanted, but my secret hope was it would bring my dad and I closer and it has done nothing to change that relationship.
Walking into the kitchen, I am the one who gets a shock. Blown up on the laptop is a picture of Paisley and some guy. The smile and look on her face is reminiscent to some of the pictures I have of us. She is truly happy, and that is what I wanted but damn if it doesn’t feel like someone has hit me in the stomach with a baseball bat. She hasn’t looked like that in almost five years and now staring back at me is the girl I fell in love with; the girl I watched die slowly in front of me.
“What’s that, Mom?”
“She moved to Canada.”
“What?”
“Yes, that is where Kara was. She met this gentleman here and is happy, Jake. I can’t believe it. I never gave up on you two, even when you both did. I never saw her happy or in a lasting relationship and I was waiting for you to get your head out of your ass with Autumn and I really thought you would go after our girl. Now, it is too late.” Hearing the despair and seeing the pain on my mom’s face, I am sure it mirrors mine. I would have never voiced those wishes out loud, but I dreamt the same thing. I never thought I would actually have to say good-bye for real.
I was mistaken; it looks like that door has shut for good. As long as she wasn’t happy, or moving on I always selfishly held out hope, but now that hope is gone and settled in is fate. Fate can be a bitch when she wants to.
Chapter 28
Paisley (Noah)
You want to believe that there's one relationship in life that's beyond betrayal. A relationship that's beyond that kind of hurt. And there isn't.
Caleb Carr
I can’t believe the transition has been so simple. Adaleigh spends a lot of time with me, Kara has kind of slipped back into her partying mode now that I am here to pick up her slack and care for her daughter. She tends to avoid spending time with Noah and me unless it is in their search and rescue training. Jamie isn’t involved in it so I find myself hanging out with him and he is becoming one of my best friends. He reminds me of Jake on me about my smoking but he does it out of concern, and not control. Noah is spending more time at my house than at his own and we have talked about moving in together. Nothing is finalized, it has only been about six weeks, but I find myself happy, truly happy for the first time in a long time. I don’t have the ‘what if’ questions of Jake and I anymore, and I think I have fully moved on. I know I will never forget him and he will always own a piece of my heart; I gave it to him willingly and don’t want to erase that part of my past. He was once the most important part of my life, and now I realize I how unhealthy that is. I have to be the most important person to me and my happiness does matter. I am slowly learning to express myself and learn and grow on my own.
Noah and I’s birthday are only a week apart and we are doing a joint party in town. He will be twenty-three and I will be turning twenty-one. Finally legal, but I have done so much drinking it doesn’t mean the same thing. Kara is whining about spending my actual birthday with just her, and no Noah allowed. I don’t know what her issue is, but I relent. I feel like it is Krista and Jake all over again, and I have to nip it in the bud before I am ripping myself in two, yet again. I make some Jell-O shots and Kara and I settle in for a girl’s night.
“What is up with you and Noah?” I ask her, there is no more beating around the bush and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Kara, innocent has never been your thing, so don’t try playing it. You seemed like you were happy for me and I don’t know what has changed.”
“I am happy for you. I am jealous. I hate admitting that but I am. When you went home for the summer and everyone was over at my house, Noah saw the pictures I took of you camping. The one with you smiling and catching snowflakes on your tongue. He sat there for fifteen minutes, staring at that picture and the love radiated off him. He stole it from me and I want that for me. It doesn’t make it right, but that is it. I don’t want to lose you again to another relationship. I know you juggle your time and we are all together anyway but I want what you have. You have had it twice now, and I just want it once.”
“Kara, you had it with Tristan. Granted, he wasn’t honest with a lot of things, but you were cheating on your husband and basically him. You think sex and drinking hides your issues, but they always come back in the morning. You need to find what makes you happy. You seemed to find that before I moved here and I don’t want to ruin things for you. I am happy here, but you are my best friend. You have been there for me and I am your family. I want to celebrate life with you, the good and the bad but you can’t put stipulations on that. I don’t want to hide that I am falling in love with Noah; I don’t want to separate my time between y’all. I did that with Krista and Jake and you see how that turned out.” I see her flinch when I remind her of that disastrous night.
“I am sorry, Pais. I will get over it, but things are all happening at once. I just never want to lose you.”
“Kara, you know I love you. You are one of the few people I trust in my life and I wouldn’t know what to do without you.” She doesn’t respond and seems a bit despondent for a while. After a few more Jell-O shots and really bad jokes and walks down memory lane she seems to come out of her funk. We drink until the wee hours of the night and pass out on the couches. She gets up to leave for work and I need to go shopping for Noah’s gift. We are all heading into Edmonton tonight for our weekend celebration and I have waited until the last minute. Noah and I are driving down together and going to the indoor water park and then staying at his grandmother’s for the night, and then tomorrow we are all meeting up and grilling out before hitting up a club.
I find the perfect gift without even searching. Hockey is huge here and while I don’t understand it, I support my man. I find a charm of two hockey sticks and a puck that will look perfect on his black leather cord necklace. I also pick up a few X-box games he wanted and I am set. I meet Jamie for lunch and show him my loot and he just shakes his head and mumbles, “Lucky Bastard.” I giggle at his sentiment and we order and eat. I tell him what happened with Kara last night and he doesn’t really say anything, but the look he gives me makes me question him.
“What, Jamie? You don’t think that is her issue?”
“Oh, that girl has many issues, but I don’t think jealousy is one of them. I don’t understand your friendship, Paisley. I get you love her, and you love Adaleigh, but what does she actually do for you? There is her snarky remarks, her demands of your time, the way you practically raise her daughter, and then the way she takes everything you do and makes it about her.” I have never heard him so angry. I also have never heard my relationship with Kara explained like that and I have to defend it.
“Jamie, you weren’t always with us. We both were each other’s rocks with our exes. She comforted me, talked me off many ledges and never questioned my judgment with lots of decisions I made. She just let me be, no judgments. I know there is something going on with her lately, but I will ride out that storm, by her side. I am just glad Noah isn’t effected by
her.” Jamie just rolls his eyes and goes back to his food effectively shutting down the conversation. I know some of the other guys have issues with Kara because she sleeps around and has had sex with a few of them, but they are just as guilty. I hate that double standard thing and honestly I am a little jealous of Kara. She can separate sex and emotions like most guys and in some people’s eyes that makes her a whore, but it is no different than what guys do. I can’t separate the two that is why I don’t sleep around, not because I think there is something wrong with it.
Noah meets me at my house since we are leaving in the morning, he is just staying over. After Kara last night and Jamie today, I am thankful to have some normalcy for a few hours. He is the perfect boyfriend, doesn’t bitch about my mouth, cigarettes or need for soap operas. Just takes it all with a grain of salt and enjoys it all with me. Our sex life isn’t as adventurous or satisfying as Jake and I but I think in time it will get there; it isn’t bad, but I miss the explosive passion I had before, and I know it isn’t fair to compare the two, it is natural. I resign myself to knowing it may never get to the level of Jake and me because I won’t ever let myself get lost like that again. I will settle for satisfying sex and my sanity then off the chart orgasms and being bat shit crazy.
The waterpark couldn’t have been better. Noah and I both have just enough daredevil in us to race down the big slides and we are still so new that we enjoy long kisses and relaxing in the lazy river. He never ceases to amaze me, with his compliments, sincerity and complete faith in our relationship without pushing me.
“One day Paisley, we are going to enjoy this with our kids.”
“You seem mighty sure of yourself.” I would be lying if I said I didn’t get all girly feeling about him wanting a future with me. Him talking about wanting kids with me makes me fall for him a little more, because he sees that in our future. I never had that discussion with Jake because the option of kids was never there.
“I am a patient, man. I see us having two boys and a little girl. We have to have the girl last thought because I picture her as beautiful as her mother and I have to teach her brothers how to defend her.” A little more of my heart went to him. Piece by piece he was capturing my heart and I was excited when the day came that I could give it all to him. I have no words to give him so I kiss him and hope I convey that I am on board with our future.
His grandmother is wonderful. She is feisty but a lady. If she weren’t in Canada I would swear she was a little old lady from the South. Surprisingly she didn’t make us sleep in different rooms and I fell asleep in Noah’s arms as he watched a hockey game. When we left the next morning his grandmother made me promise to come visit soon with or without Noah, and welcomed me to the family. His parents weren’t closed off to us, but they definitely weren’t as welcoming when I met them a few weeks ago. Noah said it is because his sister had been in a hard relationship and the guy was after family money so now they were a bit guarded. I didn’t give too much credence to their attitude because I figured I had time to win them over.
The alcohol is flowing and grill is lit by the time we pull up to Larry’s condo. It is the same place Kara and I stayed the night I arrived for my visit, and he is hosting all of us tonight. I notice the dirty look Kara shoots to us when we walk in, and before I can question that I am swept up and passed around to all the baboons that surround me. This group of guys has welcomed me, and they love that I have found happiness with Noah. I have noticed a shift in the relationship with Kara and them, but she is shutting everyone out. I have a sense that tonight isn’t going to be what we all hope it will be; drama seems to be on the horizon.
Kara comes out of her funk and we get ready for the night together and whatever was up her ass earlier has seemed to crawl out and settled elsewhere. We do our pre-game shots and take a cab to the club. With eleven of us, we are separated, and Noah and Kara get stuck in the one behind me, and I silently hope they work out their shit.
Larry tells me, “Don’t let them ruin your night, they need to work out their issues.” I silently nod and agree. When we arrive at the club, the tension between them is at an all-time high and it seems to have brought the guys that rode with them in the middle of it. I decide to ignore it and make my way into the club with Larry and Jamie. If they all want to be children and ruin the night, that is fine but they will not succeed in bringing me down. I notice Kara make her way in and go to the opposite side of the club with a bunch of guys I don’t know. Noah walks in and looks relaxed and doesn’t seem fazed by her temper tantrum.
The night progresses and I am more than a bit tipsy. I have given up on dancing with the guys because I can barely stand up. When ‘Never Let Her Go’ by Florida Georgia Line starts playing, Noah sweeps me up and sways with me. In his arms I am relaxed and unaware of the shit hitting the fan around us. I let my mind imagine our little girl being protected by our son, just the picture he painted to me yesterday. When I hear a glass break right next to me, I startle from the trance I was in and see an angry Kara. Before I can question what is happening, someone has taken me out of Noah’s grasp and moved me back to the group and I watch my best friend and boyfriend start a heated argument in the middle of the dance floor.
“What the fuck?” I ask to nobody in particular. I wish nobody had heard me because I wasn’t prepared for the answer that I was given.
“Kara just doesn’t know how to handle the rejection. They need to both get over the night they spent together.” I whip my head around and meet the culprit’s eyes. Larry. “Shit,” he pales. “You didn’t know.” I am going to be sick. I rush to the bathroom and empty my stomach. I am still puking over the toilet when I hear Kara screaming my name.
Hell no! I can’t process everything coursing through me. Betrayal, hurt, deceit, pain, loss, and most of all disgust. Disgust at Kara, Noah and myself. I swore I would never again let someone make me feel like this. At this moment, when my heart is breaking and I don’t know what I am going to do, I have one thought . . . Jake. Through all the pain I went through with him, I never felt betrayed. I always knew something was wrong, he always admitted his shortcomings, but Noah has sat here these past months and never let on that he had slept with my best friend. He was promising me a future while dipping his dick in my best friend. Or my ex-best friend. This has to be a record, who else can get two exes in a night? I lost my best friend and boyfriend at the same time, I am in a different country, and I have no idea how this is going to affect my relationship with Adaleigh. I raise myself up from the bathroom floor, find myself sober and ready to confront Kara who is standing in front of me, with not an ounce of empathy on her face.
Before I can get one word out, Noah comes barreling through the door. I have to give him credit, he looks upset. Too bad I don’t give a rat’s ass. “When?” that is the only question I want answered right now.
“Once before I met you, Paisley. I should have told you, I am so sorry.” I try and digest his words. Did he say before he met me? It disgusts me that I have slept with the same guy Kara has and I am pissed they didn’t tell me, but is this something I can get over?
“And while you were home this summer,” Kara throws in. Yep, definitely can’t get over that. I need to get sick again, but I need to face them and won’t show then any weakness. Noah looks like he could kill Kara for her remark.
“You were going to keep that from me?” I ask him. His silence is the only answer I need. Noah hurt me, but I am crushed by Kara.
“Why?” is all I can ask her, deflated and fighting back tears I refuse to let fall.
“It happened, Pais. No reason, I didn’t do it on purpose. We were all at training one night and got to drinking . . .”
I don’t allow her to finish, “Kara, don’t you dare blame shit on drinking. You know fully well what you do when you drink. What I am asking is why do this to me? I didn’t know Noah, you had slept with him. Why push me into a fling or relationship with him? You know how I feel about that. Then, once we were in a relations
hip and I was moving here, you sleep with him again?”
“Not everything is cut and dry. Stuff happens, it was just sex. You think everything has to have an answer, a reason. Well it doesn’t, life sometimes does just happen and I wish like hell you would experience that.” I am shocked. She has no remorse for what she has just done.
“Kara, there is a reason for everything. Maybe it is just that you are a straight-up bitch. That is still a reason, though. I thought you were my friend, my family, and I have helped you, supported you, and would have done anything for you and Adaleigh and you really don’t give a shit. How could I have been so blind?”
“The sooner you realize not to have expectations of people, Paisley, the sooner you will not get disappointed in them.” She doesn’t say another word and turns and leaves. Noah takes a step forward, and I take one back. He stops and stares at me.
“I am so sorry, Paisley.”
“For which part, Noah? Fucking her or me finding out.” I don’t wait for a reply before I walk out and leave him in the bathroom. I find Jamie and ask him to get me back to Larry’s. I have to stay there until tomorrow, everyone has been drinking, and I don’t have a way back. We take the cab and ride in silence. I go up to the bedroom I was going to share with Noah and put all his stuff in the hallway before locking the door. I hear everyone come back around three o’clock, and they are laughing, loud and acting as if my life didn’t just implode around me. I guess life does go on. I refuse to ride home with Kara or Noah so one of the other guys lets me tag a long and the awkwardness in the car is stifling. Nobody says anything, because I don’t think there is anything to say.
Chapter 29
Paisley
Behaviors are a choice. Feelings are sometimes out of our control. Behavior has to do with choices.
Randall Terry
Pieces of Paisley Page 21