A few weeks have passed since the night of our party. I haven’t spoken to either of them, Noah is respecting my wishes, and Kara hasn’t tried. I still have Adaleigh more times than not and with school about to start I have to make a decision. I have made some great friends, but do I really want to stay and be surrounded by the lies?
I am sitting on my deck drinking my coffee, and I see Jamie pull up. He has been here every day, although we don’t discuss them. I don’t know if he knew, but if I were a betting girl, I would assume he did. I could be mad at him, but what will that fix? He didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe he isn’t completely innocent keeping it from me, but I don’t feel like splitting those hairs. He takes a seat next to me and asks, “Have you made a decision?”
“Yeah. I am going to go home. I don’t want to stay here anymore.”
“Are you ever going to quit running, Paisley? I don’t know all that happened, just what I have heard from you and Kara, but that seems to be your thing. You ran from Jake, and every relationship since then. You have people here who love you, why not make your life here?”
“Jamie, you don’t know what happened with Jake. Maybe I did retreat from him, but he severed the ties. I have run, maybe kept my emotions hidden, but this is exactly why. They get ugly, and they make you feel. I would rather survive in life than constantly fighting my feelings.”
“Surviving is over-rated. Don’t you want to live? Feel and face your fears?”
“I’m not afraid, Jamie.”
“You are, Pais. You are so afraid of love it isn’t funny. You want my opinion?”
“Not particularly,” I am being honest, but I don’t think I will be spared.
“You are so afraid of loving someone else because that means you are really over Jake, and there is no hope. Maybe here isn’t the right place, maybe Noah wasn’t right for you, but until you either let go of Jake or fight for him, you are stuck. You won’t move forward and continue this cycle. You say you don’t feel, I call bullshit. I saw the tears that night, and I have seen them these last weeks. I have slowly watched you crawl into yourself so you don’t have to deal. You feel, Paisley. You feel so much and you will never figure out a way to stop that, because that is who you are. I bet if Kara would have come over the day after it happened, begging for forgiveness you would have given it to her. You would have sacrificed your happiness for hers, and that is who you are.”
“She didn’t, though. You can’t fight for relationships by yourself, and it is out of the question for Jake and I. He is married, Jamie. That ship sailed, and I wasn’t on board.”
“Don’t give up and don’t lose touch. Do you know when you are leaving?”
“I have to call my mom and let them know what happened, and then I have to make arrangements with everything and find a way to say good-bye to Adaleigh. Promise me to keep an eye on her, don’t let her turn out like Kara.” As much as it hurts, I know I have to do this. I know I am going to distance my relationship with Adaleigh and that kills me. I don’t see another way, though.
After he promised me he will watch out for Adaleigh, he leaves, and I go inside to make the phone call. It is decided my sister will fly out and drive back with me. I try to refuse the help but once again, nobody listens to me and decisions are made for me. I don’t miss that and have to find some way to change it.
Surprisingly, my sister and I had a blast on the way back, singing and speeding. We were slightly delirious and stir-crazy when we got back home, but had done some bonding. I dread having to stay at my parents, and even if it is for a week I will lose my mind. I have already put everyone on notice and informed them I am apartment hunting. I just am waiting to hear back to see if I can get my old job back or start from scratch.
I was thrilled when my old position was available and they took me back, no questions asked. A new owner, Dr. Wayne Anderson, was now running the company. He has visions for this company that surpass the previous owners and I can’t wait to dive back in and help his dreams become a reality. Finding an apartment is simple; I have all my stuff from the house in storage so within three days of moving home I am settled. I never heard from Kara, and after a tearful goodbye to Adaleigh, there is no doubt she made her decision. It really doesn’t matter; what is done is done, and you can’t change the past.
Chapter 30
Paisley
You decide that you don't want to go backward. You want to go forward. But sometimes, going 'backward' isn't really going backward, it's actually moving forward.
Leryn Franco
Time seems to be standing still and moving forward at the same time. I go to work, come home and repeat it all the next day. I have been home almost a year and nothing has changed. I still haven’t spoken to Kara. All the friendships I had made while there, I really am letting fade away. I am being realistic; I don’t plan on going back for a visit anytime soon. The void I feel with missing Adaleigh is crushing. Kara didn’t just cut me off from her, but my entire family. How someone can be such a selfish bitch I will never understand, but in the end as much as we are hurting, Adaleigh is the one suffering the most. If it doesn’t revolve around Kara, then it doesn’t matter to Kara.
I talk to Krista every once in a while and she is in North Carolina, still married and living a granola lifestyle. I tease her; she eats only organic, totally green products only in her house and doesn’t take medicine. A far change from when she put every substance in her body known to man. She listened to me cry about Kara and could not really say anything to make me feel better. She has invited me to come visit her and as much as I want to, we are so different from who we used to be. That isn’t a bad thing, but we didn’t change together, so it is just odd. I love her and want the best for her, I love our sporadic conversations but we will never be ‘us’ again. That was a different time, different people. I don’t harbor any resentment towards her and am so proud of her for getting her shit together, for deciding to heal and finding the love of her life.
My birthday passes with me nursing a hangover from the bottle of Moscato I drank last night. I have no plans, no desire to do anything. I have a huge presentation at work to Dr. Anderson next week and need to prep for that. He wants to take the MRI machine into the prisons and hospitals. It is a good concept, but I need to work on the logistics and financial selling points. If we can land one or both, then the doors are wide open. We will be one of the most sought after MRI machines and can expand rapidly, which will make double my workload but I don’t really care. I would welcome the busy work.
About six months into the expansion I was beginning to feel relaxed and knew we would nail the proposal. I was actually giddy for once and had the sound on my computer turned way up as it was after hours and I thought I was alone. I was playing ‘Ice-Ice Baby’ by Vanilla Ice and was singing just as loudly as I punched away at the keyboard inputting the feedback from the latest trials. I heard a masculine chuckle behind me and was mortified with my choice of songs. I turned around and was sure my cheeks were bright red with the heat I could feel from them, and standing in the doorway of my office was my boss, Dr. Wayne Anderson. How the hell did I miss how sexy he was? I have seen him and worked with him for over a year and there was something very distinguished about him, and I was taking notice right now.
“Sorry to interrupt your work, Paisley. I was leaving and was wondering what the racket was from your office.”
“Don’t knock on my old-school, Doc.” Holy fuck, what just came out of my mouth? Judging by the smile that came across his face, he isn’t offended. “I am so sorry, sometimes the filter from my thoughts to my mouth has automatic shut-off and this is one of those times.”
“No worries, I find it refreshing. And amusing.”
“Good, because if I am being honest, I don’t think I have a filter.” I need to remember he is my boss and not my friend. “Sorry, again. I am just finishing up the last bit of testing data and then heading out myself. I will turn down the music.”
“I wouldn’
t classify that as music, but that is just my opinion. I am on my way out, you aren’t bothering anyone. Don’t stay too late Paisley, you need some time away from here.”
“Please, my company and bad reality TV is all that awaits me at home, so I prefer to stay here.” Now is when I could usually use a filter. He is a freaking doctor for God’s sake; he doesn’t care about my trivial issues and not having a life.
“That is a shame, but I don’t think you could be in bad company with yourself. I could probably find something to do for about ten more minutes, will that give you time to finish and accompany to dinner?”
Before I stop myself, “Yes,” comes pouring out of my mouth. Ummm, I meant to say no, so how did this happen.
“Good, meet me at the front door in about ten minutes.” He leaves no room for me to wiggle out of this and leaves my doorway. Shit! Shit! Shit! What am I wearing? I give myself a once over and am glad for the business lunch I had today so at least I look presentable. I go to run my fingers through my hair and that is when I realize I didn’t take it down from the messy bun I put it in earlier, using a damn pencil to hold it on top of my head. Nice, I am sure that impressed him. After my mental freak-out I rush to save what I was working on and run to the bathroom and freshen up and run a brush through my hair. I walk towards the front door with one minute to spare.
“I liked your hair up. You had the nice sexy librarian look that is so hard to find,” Dr. Anderson says to me. I am speechless, and by the smirk on his face he knows exactly how he is affecting me. I try to regain my sense of balance.
“That costs extra, Dr. Anderson.” Once the words leave my mouth, I realize I just made myself sound like a prostitute. When I let out a groan followed by his deep laugh, I know the meaning wasn’t lost on him. “Just don’t let me speak anymore tonight, please.”
“Now where would the fun be in that?” he places his hand on the small of my back and leads me out the door to his waiting car. I am silently giving myself a pep talk on etiquette outside of my house and yoga pants but all I can seem to remember is how fucking delectable Dr. Anderson is.
Dinner is not a quiet affair. He is a freaking genius. He finished his schooling in a little over ten years, went to work with his father before buying the company. He is now thirty-one and has his own company that is flourishing and extensive training to back up his knowledge. He occasionally takes a weekend call at the hospital when the radiologist on call can’t cover and I am impressed.
“What made you choose marketing?” He is genuinely interested.
“I wanted to be a lawyer, but dreams changed. Business and marketing was something I excelled at in placement testing so I went that route.” I don’t want to get into the whole story.
“You do excel at it, I am sure lucky you came back from Canada.” I can tell he wants me to fill in the blanks as why I moved home, but not happening.
“I needed an adventure, then found out I am not the adventurous type,” I smile at him as I sip my wine.
“I don’t think that is the case, at all, but I won’t push you . . . tonight.” Why did my heart speed up with the promise of beyond tonight? Maybe because it has been eighteen months since I have had sex. I will blame it on that.
“Okay, Dr. Anderson.”
“Paisley, I won’t ask again, call me Wayne. We are adults. We work together, but we are casual in the office. You are the only one who calls me anything other than my first name, and it needs to stop.” His bossiness makes me hot and reticent at the same time.
“Sorry, Wayne.” I swear his pupils dilated when I said his first name. He quickly pays the check and takes me back to my car. Before I get out he grabs my arm.
“I have fought this attraction for a year while you have been oblivious to everything around you. I am done fighting. Tonight I got to see you open up for the first time and stop hiding yourself.” He leans over and slams his mouth on mine. It is animalistic, primal, and the groan that accompanies his tongue has me squirming in my seat. He suddenly ends that kiss and says, “See you in my dreams, Paisley.” I get out without a word, a bit confused by what transpired just now, and watch as he follows me home. Once I am safely in my apartment I see his car leave and I finally take a deep breath. This could be really bad.
Chapter 31
Jake
Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement.
Henry Ford
It has been three years since I have asked about her. Now as her twenty-fourth birthday is approaching I allow myself to think of her. I wonder if she is happy. Married? Does she have kids? I hope her life turned out exactly like it should have, filled with love and happiness.
I reflected a lot once I was divorced. I thought of the ‘what-if’s’ and ‘should have done’ but like they say; hindsight is twenty-twenty. I left the company my dad built, and started my degree in engineering. It was a field I was passionate about and once I graduated I went to work for the Veteran’s Administration. We are in the middle of overhauling the entire medical wing, it needs updating and something I am very much a part of. Working with the architects I have to figure out how everything will fit together and work.
My relationship with Laura has taken off. As soon as I got home, I started spending some time with her. She was still too young to really understand the logistics of the situation, but now with her almost being seven, her curiosity is getting the best of her. She has a different bond with Mick and I; he has been there from birth until now. I don’t begrudge him that and I have my own relationship with her. Just last night I tried to explain the situation as best as I could.
“Sweetpea, your mommy and I were together when we were younger. I didn’t know you were in her tummy and then she met Mick and fell in love with him. We all thought you were Mick’s little girl, but when you got here it turned out you are both mine and Mick’s. So you are lucky, you have two daddies.” I tried to tell her as much as a child her age would understand.
“Daddy, when are you going to give me another mommy? I want two of those.”
“I don’t know. That may not happen.” I tell her as gently as I can.
Ever since that conversation I haven’t been able to get Paisley and the mistakes out of my mind. I should have trusted in her the way she trusted in me. When things were too much for her, I pushed and demanded she turn her burdens over to me, but when push came to shove, I didn’t do the same with her. I haven’t been a monk since divorcing, but screwing and intimacy are completely different and I would rather be alone than try and force something that wasn’t there, and for now, I am content with how I live my life. I still have dreams of her every single night and find myself reaching for her in my sleep, to only wake up alone.
I made my mom delete her off of Facebook, I figured out of sight out of mind. After many hours of arguments I think she relented because looking at the picture of her with another man, where she was happy and relaxed in his arms was more than I could bear. I had gotten married, but I had never fallen in love, and I could see her doing that in picture after picture I scrolled through. I had to have my mom remove that from our lives because I wasn’t strong enough not to go back and look at them daily. I would have tortured myself and I think my mom was afraid of what I would become.
Chad and Toby are a couple of the guys I still keep in touch with and they want to plan a trip to Florida, to reminisce and catch up. I declined that trip unless they move it to another location. I left there one time with the wrong girl, and I don’t want to ever leave there again, without Paisley. Since she isn’t living there now, that isn’t an option.
I go into a meeting and talk with the architect. The first part of the project is the ICU and some other patient floors. We will eventually get to the administration offices and radiology departments but looking at the time frame and all the work, I tell him I don’t see that happening for another year or two. Right now, we have a contract with the federal prison to use their departments for anything we
need that we don’t have. It is like Club Med at Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary, so might as well put our tax dollars to good use and get our veterans top of the line care. We discuss a few other things that need to be done and then he asks, “Jake, when we are done with this project or when it is well under way would you consider traveling for the next remodel we do? You have been such an asset and you are young, not tied down and now would be the chance to make a name for yourself. I have a few projects overseas that I would love to hire you on for.” “That sounds amazing, man. I don’t know how I would work it out with my little girl, but we can talk about details as the time nears.” I assure him.
Chapter 32
Paisley (Wayne)
I think it's wonderful when a love story begins with a great deal of romance and affection, passion and excitement, that's how it should be. But I don't necessarily know that it's the wisest thing in the world to expect that it ends there, or that it should, 30 years down the road, still look as it did on the night of your first kiss.
Elizabeth Gilbert
It is a shock to think that since that first dinner Wayne and I have been a couple. Almost six months and no major drama. He is pushing me to move in with him, but that is more because his parents think he should be settled down and want grandkids. Neither of us is in a rush, and we both know the reason we are in this relationship, the sex is off the charts. Both of us are jaded, and we guard our hearts close. I remember our conversation last week and feel myself accepting of it.
“Paisley, I am not getting any younger. I care about you, I adore you, and I worship your body. I am not capable of loving another. I know you aren’t either. We are a pair of sad souls and I would never hurt you. I want to spend my life with someone, and not be alone. I want a family, but I don’t all the trimmings with it. Even if I feel in love with you, you aren’t capable of giving me that back, so what we have is safe for us.”
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