by Nicole Thorn
I smiled. “You’re not?”
She shook her head. “Dad’s work changed their minds. They offered him a lot more to stay here and get promoted. We talked about it, and decided that it would be good for me to have you guys in my life.”
I was so relieved. We’d already lost Kylie. But we didn’t have to lose anyone else. Not ever. One day maybe we could all live together again. Better this time. Above ground and in a happy home with spouses and children. I needed both of these girls in my life.
Layla tackled Adalyn with a hug, knocking me over to do so. “Yay! No moving and leaving me. We can get all old and gross together.”
A knock on the door had her ending with, “Enter at your own risk!”
In walked Adalyn’s father with a huge tray of cookies. He paused, taking us in. Layla attacking his daughter with love, and I was trapped between them, kicking for freedom.
His eyes narrowed. “Well… I make cookies.”
Adalyn emerged from the pile, sitting up with a grin. “Thanks, Daddy. I told them that we weren’t leaving. Layla got a little excited.”
Then Layla popped up off of the bed and onto her feet. Within seconds, she was picking cookies off of the tray. “Thank you, sir. These smell lovely.”
“Thanks. I stole the recipe myself.” He set the tray at the foot of the bed. “Are you girls spending the night? I can order pizza for you.”
I sighed. “My parents don’t like me spending too many nights away.”
He looked sad for me. “They just don’t like you around the girls?”
I shook my head. “No, they don’t. They don’t understand.”
With a nod, he said, “You’re welcome here any time you need it, Riley. You too, Layla. If you need a place to stay or just a place to hide out for a little while, you can come here.”
We both thanked him.
He slipped his hands into his back pockets. “Well, I’ll let you all get back to attacking each other. Adalyn, I’ll be in the study if you need me.”
She nodded, and her father left.
We all moved to the floor and put the cookies between us. We ate them quietly as I wished to myself that my parents could be more like Adalyn’s father. He was so kind and understanding. That came from him having everything he loved taken away from him. Then a miracle happened, and he was given back his daughter. He was so grateful that there was probably nothing he wouldn’t give Adalyn if she asked.
She perked up. “Daddy and I were talking about going to Disneyland in the springtime. I bet he would let you guys come too. We can go on that Haunted Hotel ride.”
Layla grinned at that. “Oh, I love Disneyland. My parents took me right after they had Melissa. Grandma watched her so that we could go for my birthday. I got a Sally doll.”
I’d never been, so I didn’t have anything to add. My parents didn’t take me outside of the state in my whole life. We did other things. Like seeing movies and going to eat together. It was more than enough for me.
We got to talking about Adalyn’s book again. She ran some ideas by us and asked what we thought. She was far more creative than I was, so I could only tell her that I liked what she had planned. Her stories were about bugs and animals, and that sounded like something kids would go for. She would do great things in her life, and the enthusiasm she had for it would only help her.
Layla had some good ideas that involved a talking flower that had a thing for trees. It sprang from a dream she had after she stayed up late to finish off a pizza alone. I made a mental note not to ever do that.
We were doing almost nothing for another three hours before my parents called and said that they wanted me home. I couldn’t fight them on it, but I wanted to. I wanted to stay here and never go anywhere else.
Adalyn’s father dropped me off at home, and I was forced to sit through a family dinner. I sat with my brother, and I picked at the chicken on my plate.
“How did you spend your day?” Dad asked me.
“We helped Adalyn with her book stuff. And we had some cookies.”
“Oh.” My mother pretended to sound interested. “So, she’s doing that then?”
I stared at her. “It’s her dream, so yeah. And Layla wants to go to school again.”
“She only has a sixth grade education.”
I nodded, angrier than I let on. “That’s why she wants to go back to school. Her parents are looking into a tutor for her and Adalyn.” I didn’t bother asking if I could do it too. My parents would only make me do it all alone.
But I didn’t get off that easy. Dad said, “What about you? Do you want to try and get your diploma?”
I shrugged. “I’d like to eventually. I just don’t know how I want to use it yet. I never really got the chance to dream about what I wanted to grow up to be.”
Then the room fell silent with the weight of my life on everyone. Yeah, I was a downer. So much of who I was happened to be wrapped around my past. I could move forward, but it would always be on my tail. I would never shake that Dollhouse or Master.
Dinner ended, and I went up to my room as fast as I could, closing the door and moving to my bed. I started looking through my phone for some music to listen to. I landed on something new that Wilson gave me. I liked it just fine so far, but I hadn’t listened to most of it.
I lay in my bed, angry at the whole world. I felt like I was looking through glass at all the things I wanted. Most of them were blurry, but I could make out enough that it made me long for it. No way to reach out and take it.
When my phone buzzed, I smiled at it. Wilson sent me a picture of the toads. He told me that he found a roamer and had to give him a home. He currently had all of my toad things, and he was a very good daddy to Kermit and Fozzie.
Me: Looks like you’re having fun.
Wilson: Not really. About to leave for work.
I looked at the clock, and it was long past closing at the shop where he worked.
Me: So late?
The next text took a few minutes.
Wilson: Yeah, doing a favor for a friend. Need the $.
Me: It’s not safe outside. Be careful.
Wilson: Don’t you worry about me, sweetheart. I have to leave. Talk tomorrow night.
I sadly put my phone back down and pouted. No Wilson to keep me company, even through texting. TV wasn’t interesting, and I was almost all caught up on my books. I didn’t know what to do with my time.
Well, I guess that wasn’t true.
I shifted around on the bed while I thought about that night with Wilson. I actually felt something other than pain, and he wouldn’t do it again. He meant well, but my body only had two dials now. I didn’t want to be numb.
I got off of my bed and tiptoed to my door as if I would get caught if I was too loud. With a quick turn, I locked it. After I changed into my nightie, I turned the lights out and closed my curtains.
Already, my heart was beating fast and loud in my chest. It wasn’t because I thought I was going to do something bad, but something new. Something that might be fun.
I got back into bed and under the covers. After I changed the music and turned it up, I laid flat on my back. I stared at the dark ceiling for a while, trying to work up the nerve to actually go for it.
What was I afraid of? I was all alone, and no one in the world would know I was doing this.
I took a deep breath and reached under my covers to pull my nightie up. I tapped my fingers on my stomach, and I nearly chickened out altogether. Come on, Riley. Stop being stupid.
Tentatively, I slipped my hand under the waistband of my underwear and against the smooth skin. Already it felt odd for me to do this. My legs separated when I decided that I would just do it anyway. I touched the same place that Wilson touched before. I mimicked every move that I remembered, waiting for it to feel the same to me.
I wasn’t sure how long I was at it before I finally started to feel a little something. It was barely anything at all, but it was nice. A little sensation that seeme
d to immediately plateau. No better and no worse. It certainly wasn’t what it felt like with Wilson.
Maybe I was just doing it wrong. I thought I knew how, but that was a stupid thing to think. I’d never done it before, and this was all trial and error. It seemed that I was all error.
I huffed in annoyance. It was like a machine I couldn’t make work. Wilson did it without even being awake, and I was making an effort only to get nowhere.
Okay, he was a little rougher with me. So maybe I should try that. I pressed harder against my skin, increasing speed and friction. The sensation kicked up, but only a little. That was fine. I could be patient.
I closed my eyes, trying to get more into it. Layla said it wasn’t hard at all. She might just be better at it than I was. I wasn’t sure how long she’d been at it, but I assumed practice made perfect. If it didn’t sound like the worst idea ever, I would research it a little bit. Find out how long it was supposed to take and if I was actually doing it the right way.
The album I was listening to ended and started over, and I still hadn’t gotten anything out of this. It only left me frustrated and embarrassed. That was silly, since no one was here to notice my failure. I think I needed to talk to Layla again. Find out what I was doing wrong.
And I was back to being numb. My sisters were gone, Wilson was busy, and I couldn’t even give myself a few minutes of pleasure. What was the point of any of this?
debated with myself for about six hours over this. But I really didn’t have much of a choice. I called Layla and told her what happened. She told me I was doing it the right way, but that everyone was different. She thought I just wasn’t very into it. Apparently it wasn’t all that easy for a girl to get off. Lucky me.
Since it wasn’t what I was doing that was the problem, I figured Layla was right. The only person to get even a little bit of pleasure going in me was Wilson. So I thought I should ask for his help.
The problem was that he was so resistant with the physical stuff. But this wasn’t me trying to trick him. I just needed a little help. He might be willing to do that. He didn’t have to touch me at all.
It was after dinner, and I knew Wilson was home. His father was going in to work soon because he’d picked up another shift. My parents were already in their room, so I could sneak over with ease. Layla told me not to worry. She said that it would happen eventually.
I put on a green and blue striped dress and black knee socks. I decided against shoes because I didn’t really need them anyway. So now I was just pacing my room until I thought it would be a good time to go. With everyone in bed, I was free.
Once I got up some courage, I left my house and went to Wilson’s. I didn’t tell him I was coming over, so I hoped he wouldn’t mind. I knocked quickly and waited, rocking back on my heels and wondering if I was doing the right thing.
Wilson answered the door, and his demeanor changed in an instant. He didn’t look like much of anything at first. Then his eyes met mine, and I wanted to believe it was the reason he smiled and looked so breathless. I wasn’t so vain I would really think that. It was just a happy thought that brightened my night.
“Hi,” I said quietly.
Wilson hung off of the door. “Hi, baby.” He smiled gently. “What brings you by?”
Ah! Lie, you liar!
“Um,” I squeaked.
Totally not here to ask you to help me get off. Nope. Not even a little.
“I thought I should check on the toads. My parents are sleeping and now seemed like a good time… Unless you’re busy?”
He said, “Not at all.” He held the door open wider and I stepped through. When he closed it again, he asked, “Can I get you anything?”
I shook my head, putting my hands behind my back. “I’m okay.”
He led me up to his bedroom and told me that Jude was asleep, so I had to be quiet. We entered Wilson’s room and he turned the lights on. I smiled when I saw the books. It would never get old, admiring them all. I could have spent hours in there looking at them.
Wilson brought me over to where he kept the frogs. They were on opposite sides of the terrarium, as if they hated each other. Old man toads. They just couldn’t get along.
“How have they been?” I asked.
Wilson sighed. “Boring as ever. They just sit there and look at me with hate.”
I laughed as we stood straight. “I don’t think they do much else in their lives. They just hop around and try to find bugs to eat.”
Wilson shook his head. “If only it could be that easy for all of us.”
I smiled and looked at the floor, wondering how I was going to say what I had to say. Rejection was something that terrified me. I wanted the dangerous aspects of life, but this wasn’t a risk I would like.
Too much silence made Wilson ask, “Are you okay?”
My fingers twitched at my sides. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
Another minute passed. “So, did you just come by for the toads, or did you want to spend some time together? I’m free for the night.”
“Maybe we could watch TV,” I suggested.
He agreed, and I went to sit on his bed while he picked out a movie for us. His TV was across from the bed like mine was. But his was bigger, and he had a lot more movies to pick from. He picked some old musical and put it in the DVD player. Then he flicked the lights off and joined me in the bed. He put a lot of distance between us, and it made me all the more nervous.
The movie started, and I sat up, tucking my legs against my chest and thinking about ways I could say what I had to say. I played out reactions I thought he might have and horrible endings where he wouldn’t want to see me again. I should have known better. He wouldn’t be mean to me about it. The rejection would be gentle and kind.
I kept glancing at the clock while the movie played. The chances of my parents noticing I was gone were slim, but the risk was still there. Though they would probably just be happy to know I wasn’t with my sisters.
Wilson rubbed my hand, making me look over. “Are you feeling okay?”
I chewed on my lip and shook my head.
Wilson’s brow furrowed as his fingers twitched. “Did something happen?”
I took my hand from him and held my legs against me, working as a shield against the terror. “Sort of. Not really.”
He laughed. “It can’t be both a yes and a no, honey.”
Heart pounding, I tried to tell him. Why was this so easy with Layla and so hard with him?
“I kind of tried to do something, but it didn’t work. I thought that you might be able to help me.”
He smiled. “Sure. What were you trying to do?”
My eyes went to the ceiling. “Um, I was trying to do that thing that you did to me. But it didn’t feel the same. I don’t know what I did wrong.”
It was quiet for so long, and I had to look back at him. Wilson’s brow was pinched, and he stared hard at his bed. When I tapped his arm, he spoke.
“And you want me to help you do what exactly?”
My face burned. “You seemed to know what you were doing just fine. And I’m sure you’ve done that for a lot of girls. I’m not asking you to do it for me, I just want you to help me do it myself.”
The way my heart raced was fascinating to feel, even with the anxiety that went along with it. This was what alive felt like. It felt as good as it did bad, and I wanted more.
Wilson rubbed his face and sighed. “You’re asking me to coach you?”
I nodded. “I guess I am. I know you don’t want to be with me like that, but I’m only asking you because I know you can do it. If I could, I’d get Layla to help. But you’re here, now, and she’s not.”
His lips parted, and I could see his tongue stuck on his canine. “You don’t want me to touch you?”
I shook my head.
He sighed again, and I watched the war in his eyes. “Why do you want to do this?”
My forehead crinkled. Was it not obvious? “Because I want to start doing things t
hat can make me feel like a normal person. I don’t want everything I feel to be painful.”
“Okay,” he said quietly, his expression softening. “This is probably the weirdest thing I’ve ever done, but I want you to be able to feel good if you want to.”
I smiled wide enough that it hurt my face as I threw my arms around him, knocking him back. “Thank you!”
Then a pat on my back. “For the love of God, don’t tell your parents about this. They would murder me.”
He took my waist and laid me on the bed, looking me over. “I think you might be more comfortable if you were under the covers for this. Just so I’m not… watching.”
I pulled the blanket up to my waist and nodded. “Okay.”
Wilson looked almost afraid. Not in the same way like he was being followed, or after a car crash, but in the way that I was afraid before I came here. His fear looked deeper than mine.
“Um.” He paused. “And it might work better if you took your panties off. Less restriction.”
I think my heart exploded in my chest. Though it was totally platonic, a friend helping a friend, Wilson was still telling me to take some of my clothes off.
My hands went under the blanket, and I pulled my underwear off of me. I left them next to me. “What now?”
He smiled nervously. “Well, you know what part to touch, right?”
I arched an eyebrow at him. “Yeah, I know how my body works.”
He held his hands out in surrender. “Just checking. How about you start and we’ll go from there?”
Oddly enough, I was less reluctant to do it now than I was when I was alone. Maybe because this would probably have a better result. Or because Wilson was good at making me comfortable. As good as he was at making me uncomfortable.
I started doing the very same thing I was doing the night before, and I waited for something to feel different. Wilson faced me, watching while trying not to watch. I almost wanted to laugh, but it seemed like it might be the wrong time for that.
A couple minutes in, and I was the same. I sighed. “It’s still not doing anything.”