by Nicole Thorn
He smiled. “It isn’t instant. Try closing your eyes.”
“You think that’ll work?”
“It’s worth a try. I’m sure being watched isn’t helping much.”
I gave it a try, closing my eyes and losing the sight of Wilson. Somehow I didn’t think that would help me very much. I went on anyway, moving my fingers like he had before. And nothing.
“Okay,” Wilson said. “Try thinking of something that turns you on.”
My eyebrows pushed together. “I don’t know what turns me on. It’s not like I had normal teenage years where I got to figure all this out.”
“True. You should have been learning all of this years ago. That doesn’t mean that you can’t learn now.”
“Well, I can’t just decide what turns me on.”
Wilson rolled his eyes. “Fine then. I’ll help with this too.” He looked put out, and it was almost adorable. He moved onto his side, putting his hand on my stomach and speaking low into my ear. “Close your eyes.”
I did.
“Think about the night I kissed you,” he said. “Remember those few seconds right before I had you on the wall. How you felt in between those seconds where you knew what I was going to do to you and when I did it. Think about how it made you feel to know you were the only thing in the world to me.”
My hips started moving rhythmically with my hand as a build started. Finally. I made a sound like I did when Wilson kissed me. Something breathy and weak.
All right, I was quite wrong. Very, very incredibly wrong. The most wrong that a person has been in maybe all of history. I knew just what turned me on and at the moment, that person was to my right, and he was whispering in my ear.
I heard Wilson smiling through his words. “Does that feel good?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
My teeth closed on my bottom lip, and I increased the pressure until it hurt. The pain lit everything up and I gasped at the sensation.
Wilson spoke to me again in a low rumble. “Do you have any idea what you do to me? That night you came home and you touched me. I wanted you so badly. If you’d been sober, I’m not sure anything would have stopped me. I wanted you. I wanted you in my bed, under me. I wanted your legs around me.” His hand slid down my stomach, and he pulled my dress up, touching my skin lightly with his fingertips. Then his hand was over mine, and he was guiding my fingers. “I would give anything to be inside of you.”
I was panting when I opened my eyes to Wilson. His eyelids were only half open, and he was starting right at me, like I was with him. There was an odd kind of weakness in his eyes. Childlike and innocent in a pair of eyes that didn’t have any right to be.
Slowly, I moved my hand away, leaving only his to move against me. I wasn’t sure if he would, but he kept going. My hips kept moving along with him.
He breathed out, eyes becoming more focused. “Can I kiss you? Please?”
I smiled at the very silly question. “Yes.”
His lips were on mine without hesitation, and I gripped his hair hard enough to make him growl against my mouth. I arched up to meet his hand when the sound made me moan.
Wilson pressed against my side, giving him a better angle to work with. I opened my legs more as his hand started sliding down again. I made an irritated sound when he untangled our tongues and left my mouth. He did it with good reason, as I found. I was in a stupid dress with two cursed layers of clothing over what Wilson focused on, but I couldn’t imagine it was possible for this to be better, even without them. He found the hard tip hiding under my clothes and his teeth came around it the precise second I felt him slip a finger into me.
I made a sound of shock, pain, and pleasure as I cried out his name and pulled on his hair. Wilson reacted to the pain by throwing a little back at me in the most satisfying way. Another finger slipped into me and he moved harshly against the rhythm of my hips. He touched a spot that cut off my breathing almost all together.
Something was happening. That build was still going, steady and intense. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I let Wilson take me over. There was nothing but the two of us and this feeling in me. I wanted this for him too. More than that, I wanted to make him feel this. To be the one making his breathing difficult and to make him feel something new and burning.
I looked down at me, and my eyes were half open. “Riley,” he rasped. “I need you.”
I had his face in my hands and I smiled. “I need you too. Be with me. Please.”
Wilson crushed his lips to mine almost before the words were out. I opened my mouth, dissolving against him. I think I stopped being me in that moment. I was just a girl who was hopelessly in love with a boy who might have been just as hopelessly in love with her.
I started undoing Wilson’s zipper after I pulled the button apart. He stopped kissing me for a second or two.
“This is supposed to be for you, Riley.”
“I want to do this. I want you.”
He let me tug his pants down, and I smiled in victory. He smiled back, touching his forehead to mine. The look changed when I wrapped my hand around him. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, but I took it as a good sign when his breath hitched.
When I started slowly working him, his pace slowed as well. He pulled his fingers out of me and went back to the careful strokes of my skin. It was starting to feel like I was going to melt into nothing at all. I wished I could lose myself in it.
There was a quick, loud rasp on the door before the sound of painful sobs made us still.
“Wilson?” Jude cried on the other side of the door. “Are you still awake? I had a bad dream.”
Wilson looked down at me, as lost as I’d ever seen him. “I am so sorry, Riley.”
I didn’t know why he would be. I shook my head, removing my hand from his pants. “It’s okay.”
He kissed me quickly and got off of the bed. He fixed his pants and opened the door, walking out and closing it behind him.
I fell backward, lying flat on the bed and panting until my breath was normal again. The blanket was still pulled up and over me, and I held it tightly in my hands. That worked out better than I thought it would. I felt more than pain and grief for a few minutes, and nothing seemed forced. I was with the person I wanted to be with, and he seemed like he wanted to be with me too.
I lay there for a while before Wilson came back into the room. He was quiet as he sat on the bed with me, staring down.
“Are you feeling all right?”
“I feel great. Why?” I worried. “Was it not what it was supposed to be?”
He scratched the back of his neck. “Well, you didn’t get to finish.”
My forehead wrinkled, and I sank deeper into the covers. “That wasn’t it?”
Wilson smiled. “Not quite.”
I wiggled under the covers again, unsure of how that could possibly get better. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
Wilson’s face was too serious right now, and I didn’t like it. He looked worried and guilty at the same time. He better not dare feel bad about what we just did. It was more than clear I was okay with it. Happy even. It didn’t matter that he thought I should stay pure until someone else decided that I was ready for more.
He said my name, and the tone told me everything before the words were out. “Riley… that stuff I said to you…”
“About wanting me?”
He nodded. “You know I was just trying to help you out, right?”
Ah, so that was where this was going. I didn’t think I believed him very much. The tone was right, the face was right, but the eyes were all wrong. They didn’t hold the pain of someone who was trying to break bad news. It was the pain of having to believe his own lies.
“Yeah,” I lied so this wouldn’t be harder on him.
I had to respect his choices, even if he didn’t respect mine. His intentions were good.
“I know. Thank you.”
He forced a small smile. “You’re welcome.”
My eyelids were getting heavy as we spoke, so I decided to push my luck. “Can I stay with you tonight?”
He hesitated a moment before answering. “Yeah.”
Before he could stop me, I laid my head on his chest and over his heart. A heart couldn’t lie. His was beating erratically, and it made it oh, so clear to me that he knew just how big a lie he was telling. That was okay. He could lie to the both of us if he wanted to. I knew the truth.
“Goodnight,” I said as I closed my eyes.
was completely on him when I woke up. The side of my face was against his chest, and my hand had the fabric of his shirt. I was unwilling to get up from my spot. Not when Wilson was so comfortable to lie on. Even when he was being the way he was.
The sun would be up soon, and I had to vanish, lest my parents find out I spent the night with my hand down Wilson’s pants and vice versa. It was lovely though. I don’t know why he was so upset I didn’t finish because it was bliss throughout. My favorite part, other than feeling something that wasn’t pain, was seeing him lose control with me. I liked the look in his eyes.
But now it was time to go back home.
I got off of him without a stir. He was a heavy sleeper I guess. That would probably come in handy for me now. I could leave without having to hear him tell me that he only did what he did so I could have a little fun. I knew it was a lie, but it still stung.
When I was free of him, I fed the toads and got my underwear and shoes back on. Wouldn’t want to leave those here for Jude to find. Then Wilson would be stuck answering questions Jude shouldn’t have to worry about yet. Also, kids had big mouths. If it got back to my parents that I was having sleepovers… not good at all.
Once I was all dressed, I snuck out of the house like a coward. That was how it felt, but I was doing it because it was the right thing to do. Wilson was having such a hard time, and I didn’t want to make it worse. He might even come around eventually. Until then, I had a life to live.
I snuck up to my room without incident, and I soon heard everyone start waking up for the day. Dad would head off to work, and Mom would bring Welly to school. And I would just… stay here. That wouldn’t do at all. Layla was working on getting school taken care of, and Adalyn was trying to make a book. It wasn’t until now that I realized I needed something to do too.
After I changed into my nightie, I sat on my bed and tried to think up things I liked to do when I was younger. I mostly played with my friends and read books. I loved reading, but I wasn’t like Adalyn. I had no desire to try my hand at making a book. I wasn’t creative enough for that. I didn’t really like the idea of more school. Not when I would have to go be around people. I wanted my high school diploma, but that was all I really cared about.
So what did that leave me? It was hard trying to find out what I wanted to be when I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I guess the answer was to follow my heart. Now I just needed to figure out where my heart was.
I figured I would do my best thinking if I wasn’t actually trying to think about it. It wasn’t something I could force. Things would work out if I just let them. So my idea of relaxing turned out to be cleaning my room. That mostly consisted of doing my laundry and reorganizing my books until they were all pretty. I had a lot more than I did a month ago. Mom was to thank for that. She would bring me home a couple every time she went to the store. She picked out things she thought I would like, and most of the time, she hit it on the head.
My room was clean in only a few minutes, and I still had no answers. Since I could hear my mom and brother in the kitchen, I decided to go see them. Welly was always full of good ideas.
He was at the table with a plate of pancakes while Mom stood at the stove and worked on more. I greeted her before I sat with my brother. He gave me a hug and asked how I was feeling.
“I’m good,” I smiled at him. “How about you?”
He stabbed his pancakes with his fork. “Jude and I are going to play at the park later with Dad. He said that today was the last day to fly kites before it got too cold outside.”
“That’s right,” Mom said, pointing at me with a fork. “It’s supposed to start getting real cold in the next couple weeks. I bet it’ll even snow.”
I hadn’t seen snow in so long. I smiled at the thought of getting to spend time in it. I could make snowmen with my brother, and I could be free to run around like a crazy person. I bet Wilson liked the snow. Not that I would ask. I figured he needed some time.
“What are you doing today?” Mom asked.
I knew what she wanted me to say. I hadn’t given her an answer on if I wanted to see the shrink again. He had some openings I could take, but I was hesitant. We’d been coerced into talking before, and I wasn’t so sure I wanted that to happen again. Especially since Mom wanted me to go in alone. She was also hoping to dump pills down my throat, so I couldn’t really trust her opinion.
After my too long pause, I said, “I think I have a book I need to finish.”
Mom’s shoulders slumped and a sigh left her. She looked back at the stove and pushed some scrambled eggs around. “If you want.”
My brother eyed me but stayed quiet. Like a good little boy, he went back to his meal and pretended he didn’t notice something was wrong. He was too little to worry about this anyway. One, day, he would look back and remember in horror the way his sister came back to him.
While Mom was cooking, I stood up and made my way over until I was behind her. I watched for a few minutes, memorizing just how she did it. It seemed to come so easy to her. Like it did with me when I was in The Dollhouse. I hated cooking there. The food was awful, and I hated feeding Master.
Mom smiled back at me, snapping me out of my nightmares.
“Do you wanna try?” she asked.
I kind of did, so I took over for her. She walked me through a new batch of eggs, reminding me of things I used to know. I could remember when I was a little girl. I would stand on a stool and help my dad cook dinners when Mom would be out. I don’t know if I liked it because I enjoyed cooking, or because I liked being with my father. Though I didn’t hate what I was doing now. Maybe there could be something to this.
I made the rest of breakfast all on my own, including mine. Since Welly had school, I was stuck eating it all alone. I took it to my room and turned my playlist on so I wouldn’t be stuck with pure silence. Silence and I didn’t mix very well.
I folded my blanket halfway down before I got back onto my bed with a plate of the food I made. My drink was on the nightstand, and I flipped through channels on the TV, trying to find something I wouldn’t hate. Turned out I couldn’t, so music it was.
The food wasn’t half bad, and I was very proud of that. For it being my first time with actual food in longer than I can remember, I’d say I nailed it. Not that scrambled eggs are all that hard. I didn’t burn them, so I should get to be happy.
I had a full mouth when my phone rang. I knew the ringtone, and I smiled at it. I set my food down, and I went for the phone, answering with a flat greeting. I wanted him to go first.
“Couldn’t help but notice that you’re not in my bed, sweetheart.”
I smiled again and spoke after I finished my bite. “I thought you might want to wake up alone.”
In a dry tone, Wilson said, “No, you would be mistaken.”
I chewed the corner of my lip. “Last night was clearly a lot for you, so it seemed better to just take off.”
Wilson sighed. “No, no. Don’t you go and act like this was for me. You left for yourself.”
“I didn’t. I left because you made it very clear that last night was about nothing more than getting me off. If I stayed the whole night, that would be awfully intimate, don’t you think?”
I knew I shouldn’t be pushing, but I was still hurt from what he said. And I did leave for him. Even if he didn’t buy it.
Wilson was quiet for a beat. “I think we passed intimate about fifty miles ago, baby.”
“If you’re not afr
aid of intimacy,” I said in what I hoped was a tempting voice, “I’m all alone over here. You could pay me a visit.”
Again, I knew I shouldn’t be doing what I was doing. But there was no good reason for him to be fighting this. It was just something in his head. He needed to get over it so the two of us could be happy. He could feel like he was worth what he was, and I could take one more step into reality with the boy I loved.
Wilson sighed again. “I would love nothing more than to do that.”
I smiled to myself. “Well, I happen to be in my nightie at the moment. The one with the buttons all up the top.”
He made a hmm sound. “I really think that would be a bad idea. Me and you in a nightie.”
“I can seem to recall a very nice time last you were with me when I was dressed like this.”
Silence again. “You keep suggesting it was enjoyable. Not only did I not ask first, but I was half sleeping.”
Good, he was playing with me. That meant I had my foot in the door. I only needed to shove it all the way open and force myself in.
I sank down on my bed and rubbed my thighs together, feeling the rush of heat and the little throbbing sensation. “And you are absolutely devastating when you’re fully awake.”
And he sighed yet again. “You’re killing me right now.”
“Well, baby.” I smirked. “I could make you feel all better if you’d only let me.”
I think I heard him make a choking sound, or something painful, followed by a soft growl. “I’m not sure if you understand what you’re trying to do here, Riley. I can only say no to you so many times before I give in.”
I picked at the fabric of my skirt, chewing on my lip again. “Then just give in already.”
“It’s not that easy. Say I give in. Then what?”
I smiled again. “Then you come over here right now and kiss me until I can’t think anymore.”
He sounded so torn on the other end of the phone. “Really, I would love to do that.”
“So…” I started, tentative. “You were lying last night when you said you didn’t really want me.”
“Of course I was lying, Riley. Lying would have at least have been me making an effort to do the right thing after I did something so wrong. But I made you feel bad, and you left.”