by Nicole Thorn
No more.
My fingernails dug into my scalp until I bled. Pain. I was so familiar with it. I liked it because it was real, so I dug harder. I dug until I could feel my fingers getting slippery with blood. It dripped into my hair, and I could even smell it. Proof that I was human. Not some doll to be posed and played with on a whim.
I couldn’t be here anymore. Not in this room where I was meant to be a prisoner. Not again.
It was dark, and so much time had passed since I was thrown in here. Wilson must be worried. I left him all alone in the rubble. He was strong. He could handle it alone. I just didn’t want him to have to. I could find him later. After I got a few minutes to breathe. I would do that, then go and get him. I just needed to breathe…
I left my room, and I could hear my parents talking in theirs. It wasn’t arguing, but it was loud. They were talking about me and how hard I was to handle. As if I should have come home and been just what Master wanted me to be. Something pretty to look at, but dead behind the eyes. I couldn’t be her. I never could be. Nor Layla. Adalyn. Kylie… He was never satisfied with what he made us, because he knew there was still a fight in our hearts.
Then I was downstairs before I knew it. The keys to the car were on the wall by the front door. I didn’t know much about driving, but I’d gone on a couple lessons with Layla. I knew what pedal to push and how to stop. Steer. The rain was so heavy that almost no one would be on the road…
So I took them.
I was soaked again by the time I got into the car. I turned it on, and the thing roared to life. I’d asked my parents if I could learn to drive, and they told me it would be too much to handle. Another no on life from them. Each detail of my day was up to them, and I was done with it. I needed freedom.
Once I had my hands on the wheel and the car set to reverse, I hit the pedal. The car jerked back, and I flew into the street. I turned in time to straighten out.
And I was parked in the middle of the road. Heart pumping, rain falling, and the whole world stretched out before me. I put the car in drive and left.
The car wasn’t so hard to control. And I was right about the streets being clear. The windshield wipers were on, and it made it possible for me to see the headlights I turned on. The road in front of me was dark, but I wasn’t afraid. How could I be when this was all I needed? I would drive around a little and wait for Wilson at his house. He would let me spend the night, and then I would be all better. No going home. Not when I had other options.
The car jerked at every stop I made, making my heart race with fear that I wouldn’t be able to stop it on time when I needed to. But I was on all back roads anyway. I didn’t even see any other drivers. I was all by myself with the road and the rain.
It sounded so nice. Little pitter patters above me. Like bullets landing and exploding harmlessly. Though it made the stops take a little longer, and the rain was getting heavier.
I could see the bridge coming closer as feet were left behind me. I would cross the bridge and be close to Layla’s house. Maybe she would let me stay there for a little while, while I got everything sorted out. I couldn’t stay at home. Not when the walls were closing in. The only thing that waited there for me were pills and days locked in my room.
The rain was so heavy it looked as if someone were pouring buckets over the car. My cold hands gripped the wheel, going numb. I forgot to turn the heater on as I made a mad dash out of my home. It was so cold outside. The weather called for snow this week, but I didn’t know when.
I reached down, trying to feel for the heater in the darkness. I couldn’t find it, so I had to look down. My fingers fumbled, still not finding it. The moon was completely covered by clouds, and I didn’t have a hope of seeing what I needed.
I looked up to find the overhead light, and I hit a patch of something. Whatever it was, a dip in the road maybe, it made me lose my grip on the wheel. I was thrown forward, and my elbow made the wheel turn sharply to the right. In a moment, I was breaking through a wooden barrier, and I was air bound.
There was no time for anything but to fall forward, slamming hard on the horn. It blared, and I screamed, watching the car fall through the air and meet the water below.
The impact slammed me backward, and I hit my head on the glass. Not hard enough to crack it, but hard enough to turn my vision black for a few seconds. The pain had me forgetting for a few moments what was happening, but the water at my feet fixed that.
I blinked until I could see again, but the darkness made it hard. It was almost black in the car, and all I could do was scream. My buckle was undone in a moment, and I tried opening the car door. It was like there was a brick wall on the other side of it. Not budging an inch. I was trapped in this car, and the water was to my knees.
Nothing I could do. I was stuck, and all I could manage was to honk the horn. With a quick look around, I couldn’t find anything I could use to break the window so I could swim out. The water was like ice around me, making my body begin to go numb. I shivered as I sobbed to myself, trying the door again. I slammed my body into it, and absolutely nothing happened.
The water rose as the car sank into the black water. I was blind and losing air. How many more seconds did I have?
I was getting weaker as the water rose up, reaching my throat. I tilted my head up, taking greedy breaths where I could. No more time for that as it got up to my nose. Then I couldn’t reach the air anymore, and soon, there wasn’t any left. Ice burned my lungs and stung my eyes as I thrashed around in the car, banging on the window as hard as I could.
I was dead. I got myself killed while I was trying so hard to be alive. I wanted Wilson and my sisters, and now they probably wouldn’t even find my body. They would think I left them, and they wouldn’t get to find out that I didn’t mean it at all. I was running to them. Not away. No note. No hint on why I did it. I was a frozen corpse at the bottom of the river.
With defeat, I leaned my body against the door and pulled at the handle. One last try before I closed my eyes and let this water have me. It popped open, and I fell into the water and out of the car. I floated helplessly around, losing the ability to stay awake as I went too long without breathing.
For one moment, I broke through the surface and pulled in a ragged breath before I sank again. More water than air poured into my lungs, and I didn’t know which way was up anymore. My legs and arms thrashed around in a direction that I prayed was the right one. Something carried me away from the car and back up.
Somehow, I was dragged onto the solid ground. There were voices, but they were muffled as they spoke to each other in panic. When my eyes opened, I almost couldn’t see anything. There was a girl above me. Young with a soft face. Her hair was pink and blonde and she looked so scared. And there was a boy with her. Just as young, and he was lanky with black hair. They were both kneeling at my side then, hands on my skin and feeling how icy I was.
The very last thing I heard as my eyes closed, was the voice of the pink haired girl. “Is she alive?”
I wasn’t.
here was an annoying beeping wherever I was. I didn’t like it at all, and I could have smashed the thing that was giving me a headache. The air tasted clean in this place. Warm. Not like the icy air from when…
I drowned. I remembered so clearly. I was in the car and underwater. No hope of surviving. Then I was floating, being pulled out of the water… there were people above me, trying to save what was already lost.
“I think her hand twitched.”
I knew that voice. Adalyn. She sounded close by. Maybe a few feet.
“It was probably just a muscle spasm,” Layla said, closer than Adalyn.
“Do you have to be so cynical?”
“That’s a dumb question.”
A man sighed, and I knew that sound too.
“Guys,” Wilson said. “They told us she’d be up soon. I think she’d rather it be calm in here.”
Layla scoffed. “Maybe she should have thought of that before that
fucking joy ride.”
“Layla,” Adalyn sighed.
“No. Don’t ‘Layla’ me. We all promised that we weren’t going to kill ourselves. This fucking counts. She could have died. Well… for longer.”
That was when my eyes opened. My voice cracked and throbbed from misuse, but I didn’t care. “What?!”
Three bodies swarmed me in an instant as I shot upright. I was showered with kisses, hugs, and hostile but loving words from a couple of my guests. Wilson pulled the girls off of me when he saw me wince in agony.
“What the hell were you thinking?” Layla growled. “We could have lost you forever.”
I blinked, rubbing a bump on my head. “You said I died…”
“You did,” Adalyn said in a small voice. “A couple of teenagers found you and pulled you out of the water. The boy said that you were dead for almost a minute and a half. His girlfriend got your heart beating again by the time the ambulance got to you. You would be dead right now if it wasn’t for them.”
I could see them in my head. The lanky boy and the girl with pink hair. They looked so young. They were probably scared when they saw what happened.
Wilson took my hand, and everything about him was jittery. He tried so hard to sound calm. “What happened, baby? You weren’t trying to hurt yourself, right?”
I told them everything that happened from the time I was yanked away from Wilson to when I was driving off of the bridge. I told them how my parents were making all these new rules, and I just needed to get away from them. I had to be free.”
Wilson’s jaw set for a moment. “They didn’t tell us that part.”
“They’re here?” I asked tensely.
Layla nodded. “Of course. They’re talking to a doctor about the meds you’ll be on. Some for the pain, but they also want some for your head. I’d text them and say that you’re awake, but I hate them right now.” She smiled.
“Me too,” Wilson and Adalyn said in sync.
Meds were all I could focus on. They thought I was crazy. To be fair, I suppose I was a little nuts. Dr. Hastings would probably have something to say about medication next time I visited him which I kind of wanted to be soon. Talking to him wasn’t all that bad last time, now that I thought about it. I bet he could understand what I did, and he would be easier to talk to about pills than my parents.
Wilson sat beside me on the bed, still holding my hand. “How are you feeling?”
“Shaken up, a little. I can’t even explain to you how scary that was. I really wasn’t trying to hurt myself.”
He kissed my forehead. “I know.”
I was filled in on my condition while I sat in bed in one of those hospital gowns. It was itchy, but my other clothes were gone. Layla told me I had a concussion and a few bruises, but nothing all that bad. It was apparently a miracle and a half that I wasn’t dead. I believed it. It felt like I should be dead. Or, still dead I guess. Two kids brought me back to life… I hoped someone rewarded them for that.
Wilson was the one to call my sisters, but only after my mother called him. So, I guess I couldn’t be all that mad at her. Or, she just didn’t want to deal with how angry I would be if he wasn’t informed. And he wasn’t upset with me about what I did. He was just happy I was alive and safely in his arms.
“Good news.” He smiled. “I’ve yet to hear from Sherman.”
I sipped a glass of water that Layla handed me. “How long have I been sleeping?”
“Two days.” Adalyn sighed.
Wilson went on. “I hope you don’t mind, but I filled the girls in on everything. I thought it might make things easier. But again, no Sherman. I think he’s scared of the cops. With any luck, he won’t come back. No money to be made.”
“And your boss?”
Wilson shrugged. “He’s not all that happy that his shop burnt down, but I think that he’s got enough stuff in his back pocket to take care of him after the investigation is over. If he were more of an upstanding citizen, I’d believe that he didn’t have something planned.”
“Investigation?” I asked.
Layla snorted. “Yeah, happens when a place burns down, honey.”
I put my hand on my forehead, taking a moment to breathe. “What are we gonna do?”
Wilson sighed. “Lie, Cookie. Sorry, but you did a bad thing, and we have to do bad things to cover it up. The good news is that my boss was awful at upkeep, so the insurance people might buy that there was bad wiring.”
Might.
“And you’re not in trouble?”
“Not at all.”
Thank God.
“How have my parents been?”
Layla and Adalyn exchanged a look and my more timid friend answered. “They’ve been beside themselves. Obviously. Layla’s parents did their fair share of talking to them after Wilson told them what he’d heard at the shop. They didn’t like it at all, and they told your parents that if they didn’t knock it off, they would offer to let you come and stay with them.”
Layla smiled proudly. “It was fucking beautiful to watch. Really, it was.”
I was smiling too. “What did they say to that?”
“Not a damn thing.”
“So, what are the chances of them easing up on me?”
“Pretty good.”
The voice wasn’t of my sisters, but that of my mother. She stood at the door with my father, Welly at their side.
“Can you guys take Maxwell out for a few minutes?”
Welly didn’t wait for them. He charged at the bed, and Wilson picked him up, setting him on his lap. “Riley.” My brother frowned. “You were sleeping for so long.”
I nodded. “I know. I’m sorry.”
He hugged me carefully, setting his head on my heart. “Please don’t leave me, Riley.”
I hugged him back. “I never will.”
Adalyn took his hand, and my friends followed her out, closing the door behind them. My parents took a few careful steps forward, looking me over before they took seats at the right side of my bed.
“Are you feeling okay?” Dad asked. “Do you need more pain killers?”
I shook my head.
With a sigh, Mom looked at Dad. “I guess I’ll start. Riley, you did something very, very reckless. But I know why you did it. Your father and I talked for a while, and we realized that we may have said some harsh things to you. When we went to talk to you, you were gone, and we assumed that you were with Wilson. But you weren’t. When we got the call… well, you can imagine.”
Dad nodded. “You don’t have to take the pills, but we’d like to talk about some of the other things we said.”
I had an out now. I could go and stay with Layla, so I was unafraid. “I need my friends. And Wilson.”
“I know,” Dad said. “You need them in your life. But I think that you still need to talk to someone. So I’d like to make a deal with you. Once a week you go see that doctor, and you can have all your privileges.”
I had all the cards here, so I wasn’t very kind. “I’ll be twenty in a couple months. I am an adult, and I don’t need your permission to see my family.”
Dad took a deep breath. “You’re right. You don’t.”
Mom took Dad’s hand. “Please, Riley. Just a few sessions. If you don’t want to keep doing it, then you don’t have to. Clearly, you need an outlet for some of this anger you have. It might be best to involve a third party.”
I clicked my tongue. “Three sessions.”
Mom took it. “Three. And if you want to do more things, we can help you. School, a job, anything you want.”
“Driving?”
Dad arched a brow. “You sank our car. Give it a few months.”
“Okay,” I agreed. “I get full privileges with the girls and Wilson. I can see them whenever I want, and you can’t be mean to Wilson.”
Dad was quiet.
I breathed out of my nose. “Dad, he’s a good man, and he takes care of me in ways that no one else can. I need him. I love him.”
Dad rubbed his eyes. “God, I never thought I would have to deal with you and boys. I wasn’t prepared.”
Mom patted his hand. “We’ll get used to it. Together.”
“Together,” I agreed, nodding.
Two more days in the hospital, and I was free to go home. My parents were kind enough to take the boys out car shopping so I could have some time with Wilson. The girls were coming by tomorrow, and the four of us were having a sleepover. A full blown movie night, as decided by Layla. She and Adalyn were out getting supplies while Wilson and I caught up.
The rain outside was light, and I loved the sound it made. The window was open, and I watched it hit the glass as Wilson closed his door and turned his music on.
“It’s nice to be back home,” I said as I smoothed out my yellow dress.
Our shoes were off, and my toes sank into the carpet. So soft and comfortable.
Wilson sighed. “And I like having you back home. I intend on enjoying all this free time with you.”
I turned around and kissed his smiling lips. It was a light kiss. One that was pure happiness at the fact that everything was winding down. But that didn’t last. I went in for another kiss, slower this time. Wilson’s eyes closed, and he held my waist securely when he pulled me against him.
My fingers went to his face, looking at each line and every freckle, memorizing them. Finally, I looked into his eyes. “I love you.”
“I love you.”
I pulled him back to me with more force, running my hands down his shirt. I grabbed him by the loops of his pants, pulling him back with me. Only a few feet from the bed.
His hands were eager as they found my back and zipper. I smiled, lifting up on my toes when he pulled it down.
The dress was barely on me when I whispered, “Can you make me feel alive?”
“I’ll never stop trying,” he promised, letting the dress fall and pool at my feet.
We moved back another couple steps, and I got Wilson’s shirt over his head. This was not what we had planned, but now I couldn’t imagine being able to do anything else. Every sweep of his tongue on mine was smooth and warm as we took off more clothes.