by Yu Hua
Baldy Li nodded earnestly. "Yeah, if you can't even bear to buy house-special noodles for yourself, how could you possibly treat me to some?"
"Damn right." Writer Liu was very pleased with Baldy Li's attitude. "So you'll have a bowl of plain noodles."
Baldy Li swallowed and said with an air of regret, "But for unseasoned noodles, I don't think I could bear to part with my secret."
Writer Liu gnashed his teeth in fury. He wanted nothing more than to smack Baldy Li in his face until it was a bloody pulp. But in the end he agreed to treat Baldy Li to a bowl of house-special noodles. He cursed again, adding, "Okay, here's your house-special noodles. Now give me all the details."
Blacksmith Tong also came to hear about Lin Hong's butt. After discovering that Baldy Li had glimpsed Tongs own wife's plump butt, Tong had given him a good thrashing. But Blacksmith Tong was also a "greener pastures" sort of guy, and each night as he went to bed with his plump wife in his arms, he closed his eyes and fantasized about Lin Hong's slender figure. Unlike Writer Liu, Tong went straight to the point. When he spotted Baldy Li in the street, he blocked the boy with his massive figure and peered down, saying, "Hey, kid, you remember me?"
Baldy Li looked up. "I'd recognize you even if you were a pile of ashes."
Blacksmith Tong glowered. "So you wish me dead, kid?"
"No, no, no," Baldy Li quickly answered, thinking that he had to avoid those big hammer fists at all costs. He pried his mouth wide open with his hands, showing Blacksmith Tong. "You see, you see? I'm short two teeth because of you."
Then Baldy Li pointed to his left ear. "It's like a beehive in there with all the buzzing."
Blacksmith Tong laughed and proclaimed for the benefit of the passersby "Well, since you're just a kid, I'll treat you to a bowl of noodles to make up for it."
Blacksmith Tong strutted toward the People's Restaurant, with Baldy Li closely following, hands behind his back. Baldy Li thought to himself that Chairman Mao was right when he said that there is no such thing as unmerited love or hatred. So if Blacksmith Tong suddenly wanted to treat him to a bowl of noodles, it must be because he wanted to find out about Lin Hong's butt. Baldy Li scurried forward and quietly asked him, "So you're treating me to a bowl of noodles to find out about buttocks. Right?"
Tong laughed and nodded. "You're a smart kid."
Baldy Li said, "But you already have some ass at home…"
"You know how men are," Tong confided. "They're always peering into the pot even when they're eating out of the bowl."
Tong walked into the People's Restaurant with the air of a big spender, but the moment he sat down he became a cheapskate and only bought Baldy Li a bowl of plain noodles. Baldy Li hmmphed to himself but didn't say anything. Once the bowl was on the table, he dove in with his chopsticks and slurped away until he was covered in sweat and his nose was running. Blacksmith Tong watched as Baldy Li's snot ran down to the edge of his lips and was sucked back up, again and again. After watching four rounds of this, Tong suddenly noticed that half the noodles had already disappeared, and he became impatient with Baldy Li's reticence. He said, "Hey, hey, don't just sit there and eat. Time to talk."
Baldy Li stopped slurping, wiped away his sweat, looked about, and then started to speak in a low voice. He described not Lin Hong's bottom but, instead, a plump one. When Baldy Li was done, Blacksmith Tong looked at him suspiciously. "How come that sounds a lot like my wife's?"
"It is your wife's butt," Baldy Li replied earnestly.
Blacksmith Tong flew into a rage and raised his hand, bellowing, "I'm going to whup you good, you little bastard!"
Baldy Li quickly leapt up to avoid Tongs huge palm. At that moment, everyone in the restaurant turned around to look at them, so Blacksmith Tong had to convert his whupping gesture into a wave. He pointed to Baldy Li and said, "Sit back down."
Baldy Li smiled and nodded at the other patrons in the restaurant, calculating that as long as they were paying attention, Blacksmith Tong wouldn't dare beat him. He sat down again across from Blacksmith Tong, who glowered at him. "So come on, hurry up with Lin Hongs…"
Baldy Li looked around and, seeing that everyone was still watching him, smiled in relief and continued in a low voice. "Every butt has its price. A bowl of plain noodles will buy you your own wife's butt, but Lin Hong's calls for a bowl of house-special noodles."
Blacksmith Tong was so furious that for a long time he couldn't even muster up a response. Seeing Baldy Li nonchalantly returning to his noodles, Blacksmith Tong snatched the bowl out of his hands and spat out, "I'll eat them myself."
Baldly Li turned around to look at the other patrons in the restaurant, who seemed perplexed by this transfer of noodles. Baldy Li smiled and explained, "It's like this: First he treated me to half a bowl of noodles, then I treated him back with the remaining half a bowl."
From that point on, Baldy Li's asking price was public knowledge: one bowl of house-special noodles for the secrets of Lin Hong's butt. In the six months while Baldy Li's ears were still ringing, he was treated to fifty-six bowls of house-special noodles, systematically eating his way into his fifteenth year and gradually transforming his skinny, sallow body into a ruddy, plump one. He thought that being able to eat so many house-special noodles was truly a case of bad luck begetting good. At that point, Baldy Li had no idea of the vast fortune he would subsequently amass and no inkling that he would ultimately grow bored with even the most extravagant feasts. Back then Baldy Li was still a poor lad and felt that having a bowl of house-special noodles was like taking a stroll in paradise—a stroll that he took fifty-six times during that half year.
Baldy Li's designs on a bowl of house-special noodles didn't always go smoothly, and sometimes he would attain it only after a certain amount of struggle. Countless people hoping to learn the secrets of Lin Hong's butt would try to get by with just plain noodles, but Baldy Li wouldn't fall for it and would patiently bargain until he got what he was after. As a result, each of these clients looked at him with new respect, remarking that this fifteen-year-old little bastard was sharper and drove a harder bargain than a fifty-year-old seasoned salesman.
Across from Blacksmith Tongs shop was a scissor sharpener's shop belonging to Old Scissors Guan and his son, Little Scissors Guan, who began learning his craft from his father when he was fourteen. Now in his twenties, Little Scissors Guan had neither wife nor girlfriend but had long admired Lin Hong; therefore he too wanted to learn the secrets of her bottom. He waved at Baldy Li and suggested that his good times were almost over, since Lin Hong would soon have a boyfriend, after which no one would have to treat Baldy Li to any more noodles. Therefore Baldy Li should take what he could and make do with the bowl of plain noodles, because soon he would be lucky to get even a bowl of broth.
Baldy Li was perplexed and asked, "Why is that?"
Little Scissors Guan explained: "Just think about it. Once Lin Hong has a boyfriend, certainly hell know more about her posterior than you. So everyone will go to him to find out about it, and then who'll pay any more attention to you?"
At first Baldy Li thought this made a lot of sense, but upon further reflection he noticed the fault in Little Scissors Guan s logic and asked with a chuckle, "But would Lin Hongs boyfriend tell you these details?"
Baldy Li then raised his head, closed his eyes, and said dreamily, "If one day I were to become her boyfriend, I certainly wouldn't tell anyone anything…"
He then turned to Little Scissors Guan and said shamelessly, "So you should seize the moment and treat me to a bowl of house-special noodles before I do become Lin Hong's boyfriend."
Though Baldy Li never yielded an inch on his asking price, he was a man of his word, so once he did get treated to a bowl, he never held back a single detail about the secrets of Lin Hong's butt. As a result, he enjoyed a steady stream of customers and almost more business than he could handle. There were even repeat customers, including one particularly forgetful person who came back three times.
&n
bsp; When Baldy Li described the shape of Lin Hong's buttocks, his audience listened rapt with attention, their mouths hanging open, not even aware that they were drooling. But when he finished, they would look thoughtful and say, "It sounds a bit off."
Thanks to Baldy Li's detailed descriptions, these men understood that the Lin Hong they fantasized over every night was in fact a bit different from the actual person.
Poet Zhao also tracked down Baldy Li. One of the fifty-six bowls of house-special noodles that Baldy Li received was from Poet Zhao. As Baldy Li enthusiastically gulped it down, he remarked that this bowl of noodles, for some reason, was tastier than the others. Beaming with satisfaction, he patted his chest and said to Poet Zhao, "There's only one person in all of China who has eaten more house-special noodles than I."
Poet Zhao asked, "Who would that be?"
"Chairman Mao," answered Baldy Li solemnly. "Of course, our venerable Chairman Mao can eat whatever he wants. Besides him, there's no one who can match me."
Poet Zhao had often gone to peep at women's butts in the same latrine where he caught Baldy Li, but after a whole year of surveillance he hadn't caught a single glimpse of Lin Hong's. Baldy Li had merely been poaching on Zhao's turf, but he had managed to snag a prime butt his first time out. If Baldy Li hadn't beaten him to it that day, Zhao would have been the first person to glimpse Lin Hong's butt. Poet Zhao felt that Baldy Li must be truly blessed to have lucked out this way. That day Poet Zhao had been planning to peep, but when he nabbed Baldy Li, his face flushed with excitement, Zhao suddenly lost interest in butts and directed all his attention to Baldy Li.
Now Poet Zhao, not wanting to be left out of the loop, planned to learn the secret of Lin Hong's butt from Baldy Li. But Zhao wasn't even willing to treat him to a bowl of plain noodles, much less house-special noodles. Though Poet Zhao was the one who had paraded Baldy Li through the streets and wrecked his reputation, he had also single-handedly made Baldy Li the recipient of over fifty bowls of house-special noodles. Baldy Li's increasingly ruddy complexion was all thanks to him, so Zhao felt that Baldy Li should express his gratitude. Poet Zhao took out the provincial cultural center's magazine, with pictures of Li Bai and Du Fu on the cover, and flipped to the page containing his magnum opus. When Baldy Li reached out to take the magazine, Poet Zhao tensed up as if he were being mugged and immediately whacked Baldy Li's hand away. He wouldn't let Baldy Li handle his magazine, telling him that his hands were too dirty, and therefore Zhao insisted on holding it as Baldy Li read.
Instead of reading the poem, Baldy Li merely counted the characters and exclaimed, "So few? There are just four lines, with seven characters to a line—that makes only twenty-eight characters."
Poet Zhao was extremely annoyed and said, "There may be only twenty-eight characters, but each of them is a pearl!"
Baldy Li said he understood Poet Zhao's love for his own work. Speaking like an old-timer, he commented, "There are two things that one always prizes: ones own writing and someone else's wife."
Poet Zhao answered dismissively, "What would you know, at your age!"
Then Poet Zhao got to the point. He said that he was writing a story about a youth who was nabbed while peeping at women's bottoms in the public latrine, and he wanted Baldy Li's help with a few of the interior psychological descriptions. Baldy Li asked, "What sort of descriptions?"
Poet Zhao prompted, "What was your state of mind when you caught your first glimpse of a woman's bottom? For instance, when you saw Lin Hong's …?"
Baldy Li suddenly understood. "So that's what you're after, Lin Hong's butt? That'll be one bowl of house-special noodles."
"Rubbish," Poet Zhao answered indignantly. "Do I seem like that sort of person? Let me tell you, I'm not Writer Liu. I'm Poet Zhao! I've already dedicated myself to the altar of literature. I've already made a vow that until I publish in one of the nation's top literary journals, first, I won't look for a girlfriend; second, I won't get married; and third, I won't have children."
Baldy Li thought the logic of Poet Zhao's statement seemed a bit off and asked him to repeat his vow. Poet Zhao thought that his words had moved Baldy Li, so he repeated himself, emoting heavily. Baldy Li finally figured out the problem and remarked smugly, "Your reasoning makes no sense. If you don't find a girlfriend, how could you get married or have children? So really you just need the first vow, because the other two are redundant."
Poet Zhao was speechless. After opening his mouth several times, he finally spat out, "You have no understanding of literature. Just forget it, and tell me about your state of mind."
Baldy Li held up a finger. "One bowl of house-special noodles."
Poet Zhao couldn't believe anyone could be so shameless. After gritting his teeth for a while, he finally smiled and resumed his entreaties. "Think about it. You are the protagonist of my novel. Once my novel is published and becomes famous, won't you be famous, too?"
Poet Zhao saw that Baldy Li was listening earnestly, so he continued. "And won't you have me to thank for your future fame?"
Baldy Li cackled, "So you're going to make me a villain, but I should be grateful?"
Poet Zhao was taken aback. He thought to himself, This little Baldy Li is sharp. No wonder everyone says this fifteen-year-old bastard is a tougher nut to crack than some old farts. Zhao tried his best to continue smiling. "At the conclusion of the novel, the youth sees the error of his ways."
Baldy Li had zero interest in Poet Zhao's novel. He held up one finger and said firmly, "I don't care if it's my state of mind or Lin Hong's butt. My price is one bowl of house-special noodles."
"How hard it is to reason with a barbarian!" Poet Zhao looked up into the sky and heaved a great sigh. With panged reluctance he gave in. "It's a deal."
Poet Zhao and Baldy Li arrived at the People's Restaurant. As Baldy Li slurped away at the noodles Poet Zhao was paying for, he started to describe what he had been thinking when he saw the women's butts, recalling how he had trembled all over. Poet Zhao asked, "You mean your body was trembling, or your heart?"
"Oh, my heart was trembling, too."
Poet Zhao thought that this was a marvelous description and hurried to write it down in his notebook. Baldy Li, wiping away the sweat and snot generated from eating the noodles, paused awhile, then continued. "Then I stopped trembling."
Poet Zhao didn't understand. "What do you mean, you stopped trembling?"
"I just stopped, that's all," Baldy Li explained. "Once I saw Lin Hong's butt, I was completely mesmerized. I couldn't see or feel anything— only her butt and the desire to see it more clearly. I couldn't hear anything around me. Otherwise how could I have not heard you come in?"
"You have a point there." Poet Zhao's eyes glistened. "When silence trumps sound, that's really the pinnacle of art!"
As Baldy Li continued, describing Lin Hong's taut skin and the slight protrusion of her tailbone, Poet Zhao's breathing thickened. Baldy Li described how he'd tried to lower his body just a little more to be able to see Lin Hong's pubic area. Poet Zhao's face filled with tension, as if he, like the policemen at the station before him, were waiting breathlessly for the climax of a ghost story. Suddenly he noticed that Baldy Li's lips had stopped moving. He asked anxiously, "And then?"
"And then nothing," Baldy Li answered angrily.
"Why nothing?" Poet Zhao was still lost in the reverie of Baldy Li's words.
Baldy Li banged the table and said, "Because at this critical juncture, you, you fucking pulled me up!"
Poet Zhao shook his head again and again. "If only I had gone in ten minutes later."
"Ten minutes?" Baldy Li grumbled. "If you had arrived ten seconds later, even that would have been enough, you bastard."
CHAPTER 3
BALDY LI'S real name was Li Guang. In order to reduce haircutting expenses, his mother always told the barber to shave him bald. Even after his hair grew out like a wild bush, the nickname stuck. When Baldy Li grew up, he reasoned that since everyone would always know
him as Baldy, he would shave his head to live up to his nickname. Back then Baldy Li was not yet Liu Town s premier tycoon but, rather, one of its poorer citizens, and he discovered that maintaining a bona fide bald head was no simple matter—it actually cost twice as much as growing his hair out. He bragged about how it cost a lot to be a bona fide poor person! His brother, Song Gang, got his hair cut only once a month, but Baldy Li had to go at least twice a month to have the barber run his bright, shiny blade again and again over his pate, as if he were shaving someone's face. Only when his head was as smooth as a piece of silk and shinier than the blade itself, and only then did he live up to the name Baldy Li.
Baldy Li's mother, Li Lan, passed away when he was fifteen. He said she was afraid of losing face, while he and his father were shameless bastards who couldn't care less. Raising a single finger, Baldy Li would say that, while there might be a handful of women in the world whose husbands were murderers and whose sons turned out to be murderers as well, there was probably only one woman who had the misfortune of having both husband and son caught spying on women's butts in the public latrine—and that would be his mother.
In those days countless men spied in the public latrine, but nothing ever happened to them. When Baldy Li tried it, however, he was caught and paraded down the street; and when Baldy Li's father did it, he fell into the cesspool and drowned. Baldy Li felt that his father must have had the most boneheaded bad luck imaginable to have kicked the bucket for a glimpse of ass. Even if someone were to, as the proverb has it, pick up a sesame seed only to lose a watermelon, he would still get a better deal than Baldy Li's father had. Meanwhile, Baldy Li felt that he himself was the second-unluckiest person in the world. But at least he didn't lose his life in the process, and furthermore, he had
managed to turn a profit with those fifty-six bowls of house-special noodles. As they say, as long as you own the mountain, there's no need to worry about firewood. Baldy Li's mother, however, had neither a mountain nor firewood, and in the end all the fathers and sons bad luck fell on her innocent shoulders, making her truly the worlds unluckiest woman.