The Emotionally Abusive Relationship_How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

by Beverly Engel

  •Feelings that vary dramatically from moment to moment (e.g., being flooded with emotion or being numb to your feelings, which can manifest into total silence or explosive screaming). This fluctuation of feelings is magnified greatly by the next personality trait:

  •A tendency to forget what you felt prior to the present. This amnesia surrounding emotions prevents you from remembering past experiences and from appreciating that pain is temporary and can be survived. Whatever feeling-state you are experiencing at the moment seems to last forever, and you can't recall ever feeling differently. As a result, your last encounter with your partner may be recalled as the whole of your relationship. You forget all the good times you've had with your partner and may threaten to end the relationship based on one bad incident. With this black-and-white quality of feelings, disappointment often turns to rage, which may be directed at others in fits of temper or physical attacks. (Rage may also be turned against the self in the form of self-abuse, self-injury, or suicidal threats or behavior.)

  •Your feelings may become so intense that they distort your perception of reality. You may imagine others are deliberately persecuting you, including your partner. You may accuse your partner of plotting against you with others or of deliberately trying to upset or undermine you, when in reality, he or she has merely let you down.

  •You may resort to using alcohol, drugs, binge eating, impulsive sexual encounters, compulsive shopping, gambling, shoplifting, or other behaviors as a quick fix for painful, seemingly endless emotions, such as loneliness and anger. Under the influence of alcohol or drugs you may become emotionally or even physically abusive to your partner.

  •Emotional blackmail. You may threaten to end the relationship, move out of the house, or kick your partner out of the house whenever there is a fight or disagreement. While you may change your mind as soon as you cool down, your threats take a toll on your partner and on your relationship. Those suffering from BPD also threaten to hurt or kill themselves in order to get their partner to take them back or to get their way.

  •Unpredictable responses. Because of an inconsistent sense of self, you may also seem to set up no-win situations for your partner. You may react one way to your partner's behavior one time and an entirely different way the next. Or you may ask your partner to treat you a certain way and then, when he does, you may get angry with him for it. In this way, you keep your partner completely off balance since he or she cannot predict how you will react, and he may grow to feel that no matter what he does, he'll be wrong.

  •Constant chaos. Your insecurity, accusations, jealousy, possessiveness, emotional outbursts, and depression create constant chaos and drama in the relationship. You start fights, become depressed and cry for hours; then you want to make up as if nothing had happened and beg your partner to take you back. You hate your partner one day and love him the next. You may alternately cling to your partner out of a fear of abandonment and push your partner away out of a fear of being smothered. Those with BPD or borderline tendencies often experience a great deal of anxiety, a constant nervous feeling or the feeling that there is a whirling cyclone going on inside them. This feeling of anxiety is so uncomfortable that they create drama as a way to distract themselves from it. Other BPDs prefer to create upheaval in their lives rather than be forced to face the horrible feelings of emptiness they might otherwise experience.

  •Constant criticism and continual blame. You may criticize your partner as a way of creating distance so you can ward off feelings of engulfment, or you may criticize as a way of coping with abandonment fears. You may feel defective at a very core level and fear that your partner will one day discover this and reject you completely. Therefore, you find fault in him as a way of deflecting his judgments and criticism. If he's the one who is always wrong, you can't be. You may also criticize your partner for things you yourself are guilty of (projection).

  •Gaslighting. Although it is not necessarily your intention, your behavior can cause your partner to question his or her own sanity. You forget you said or did something and then deny it when your partner brings it up. You have an emotional outburst and then deny it ever happened (it is quite common for those suffering from BPD to dissociate while in a rage). Even when you realize you've done something, such as when you catch yourself being inconsistent, you may be too ashamed to admit it. You may even try to portray your partner as the one who is mixed up or even imply that he's crazy.

  How You Can Begin to Change Your Emotionally Abusive Behavior

  Changing your behavior when you suffer from BPD or strong borderline traits won't be easy. It isn't as if you can simply will yourself to change. Much of your abusive behavior is unconscious, based on strong defense mechanisms. Even when you are consciously aware of your abusive behavior, it may feel at the time that it is the only thing you can do to protect yourself (e.g., verbal abuse) or to hold on to your partner and your relationship (e.g., lie, manipulate). For some of you, especially those who suffer from a more extreme version of BPD, professional psychotherapy may be the only way you can make the kind of substantial changes to your personality that will interrupt your abusive patterns. Please refer to the back of the book for suggestions on how to find the appropriate treatment and the right therapist. For others, particularly those who suffer from a milder form of BPD or who have only borderline tendencies, the following suggestions can help you begin to change your behavior immediately.

  1. Admit You Have a Problem

  The first step will be for you to become more aware of your abusive behavior and of the effect it has on your partner (and others). This can be an extremely difficult task in itself, and it will take a leap of faith on your part as well as tremendous courage. You will need to ask those closest to you to give you feedback about your behavior. This step, of course, makes the assumption that you can believe what those close to you will tell you-more specifically, it assumes you can trust their perceptions and judgment. This poses quite a dilemma. Since you likely have difficulty trusting your partner, how in the world can you trust what he says about your behavior? Since you already feel that others misperceive you and misjudge your actions, how can you trust their perceptions of you?

  Although your partner can certainly have distorted perceptions around some issues-particularly those issues that pertain to his or her own background-when it comes to your abusive behavior, your partner's perceptions are probably closer to the truth than yours. While this statement goes against everything I have ever told clients who don't suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, it does apply to those who do. Unfortunately, those who have BPD frequently experience distortions in their perceptions, particularly in terms of how they view themselves in relationships. While they can be extremely sensitive and perceptive when it comes to other people, they aren't able to perceive themselves as accurately. It is also common for those suffering from BPD to dissociate when in a rage or when they are under a great deal of emotional stress, causing them to be unaware of their abusive behavior.

  EXERCISE: Get Feedback from Others

  1.Ask your partner to write a list of your behaviors that are most hurtful to him.

  2.Ask your partner to explain why each behavior is particularly hurtful.

  3.Ask her or him to describe those behaviors on your part that could be described as "abusive" and, if possible, to explain why he or she views them that way.

  4.You may also wish to ask your close friends for similar feedback. Keep in mind that your friends may or may not experience the full force of your abusiveness since you may be on your good behavior with them or you may not feel threatened by them-meaning you may not fear either being abandoned by them or smothered by them. Be careful about asking family members for feedback, since your disorder likely stems from your family dynamics and there is even some evidence that BPD may be at least partly genetic. This means it is likely that some members of your family also suffer from BPD and also have distorted perceptions. Family members are not likely to be that
objective about you, anyway. They may either be far too critical or far too accepting of your behavior.

  2. Face the Truth about Your Childhood

  Although there is no absolute consensus as to the cause of Borderline Personality Disorder, most experts agree that there is definitely an environmental factor. Most people suffering from BPD share one factor in particular-abandonment. This abandonment can either be physical or emotional in nature and can stem from any or all of the following circumstances:

  •An insufficient bonding experience with a primary caretaker, particularly the mother

  •The long-term absence of one or both parents

  •The loss of a parent either through death or divorce

  •An insufficient, inappropriate, or negative relationship with the father

  •Parental neglect

  •Rejection or ridicule from parents, siblings, or peers

  In addition, many, but not all, borderline individuals also experienced emotional, physical, or sexual abuse-or all three.

  3. Identify Your Triggers

  Those who suffer from BPD or who have strong borderline tendencies tend to react similarly to certain behaviors and attitudes from others. When a person is triggered, he or she reacts spontaneously and intensely, often without realizing what caused the reaction. The following is a list of the most common triggers for those with BPD:

  •Perceived abandonment. Because of your fear of abandonment, you are probably acutely sensitive to any hint of perceived abandonment, and you likely react powerfully and sometimes violently to it. For example, even the slightest hint of disapproval from your partner can trigger powerful feelings of rejection.

  •Being criticized. When you. feel criticized, you are likely to react very intensely. This is true for several reasons. First of all, when you are criticized you likely become overwhelmed with shame. Shame is different from guilt in that it makes the person feel that their entire being is wrong or bad as opposed to guilt, which reminds us that committing certain acts are wrong. The second reason is closely related to the first. Those suffering from BPD tend to see things in all-or-nothing terms. When they are criticized, it makes them feel "all bad" Third, criticism feels like rejection to BPDs and can therefore trigger a fear of abandonment. It goes like this-if you don't like something I've done, it means you don't like me and that you are going to abandon me.

  •Feeling that others are unpredictable or inconsistent. Although borderline individuals are often unpredictable and inconsistent themselves, they have a tremendous need for consistency and predictability, especially from those close to them. When they perceive a person as being inconsistent or a person or situation as being unpredictable, this causes them to be fearful and anxious. This is likely due to the fact that those who suffer from BPD did not receive the consistency they needed from their parents, especially their mothers. In order for a child to develop a strong sense of self, she must have what is called object constancy. This particular trigger can, in turn, trigger a fear of abandonment since unpredictability often goes hand in hand with rejection or abandonment.

  •Feeling invalidated or dismissed. Because borderline individuals have not developed a strong sense of self, they are especially sensitive to comments or attitudes that are invalidating or dismissive. Comments like "You're overreacting" or "You shouldn't feel like that" may seem like they deny your feelings and thoughts. Even though there are many times when you may be overreacting or reacting inappropriately, these types of invalidating comments are in themselves inappropriate.

  •Envy. Borderline individuals are often triggered when someone else receives special recognition. They become overwhelmed with feelings of envy and may become depressed or act out in order to draw the attention to themselves. This can happen during celebrations when all the attention is focused on someone else or even during a crisis when someone else needs support.

  •Travel or moving. Those with BPD tend to respond well to structure and predictability. When this is disrupted, they can become disoriented. Moving to a new home or town or even going on vacation can trigger feelings of insecurity and fear.

  •Having every reaction attributed to their disorder. If you have been diagnosed with BPD, you can be triggered when someone else attributes everything you do to BPD.

  Knowing your triggers can provide you with a great deal more control of your borderline tendencies. For example, if your trigger is abandonment or rejection, don't set yourself up for it by leaving plans open. When you and your partner are making plans for an activity, make sure you get a clear commitment from him concerning both the event itself and the timing. While other people may be comfortable with "Let's wait and see how we feel" or "I'll pick you up around eight," you are not. You need to know from your partner that a plan is definite, otherwise you set yourself up for feeling abandoned or rejected if he decides not to go. And you need to know exactly what time he will pick you up or what time you will meet so you don't end up standing around waiting-feeling anxious, irritated, enraged, or worse, abandoned. Getting clear commitments from your partner won't guarantee that you are never disappointed at last-minute changes or that you will never be kept waiting, but it will certainly help. If you have a partner who is unable to commit to a certain time or who is consistently late even when he or she does commit, it is time to make other arrangements. The following example shows you what I mean.

  DANIELLE AND LANA: BETTER NEVER THAN LATE

  [This is what Danielle told me:] I travel a lot for business, and my partner, Lana, always volunteered to pick me up at the airport. I really appreciated it, and it always made me feel loved by her. But she was always late. I'd stand outside looking at every car that approached that looked like hers, and every time it wasn't, I'd feel a sense of loss. I'd keep looking at my watch, feeling more and more panicked as time went by. By the time she was fifteen minutes late, a horrible feeling of abandonment would come over me. I'd feel like a little lost child in a big city. I'd become desperate, pacing back and forth, my heart pounding. When she'd finally show up-sometimes an hour late-I'd be so enraged with her that we'd end up having a big fight and I'd break up with her.

  I told my therapist about this situation, and she suggested that I stop having Lana pick me up. At first, I argued that I liked her picking me up, that it made me feel loved. But she reminded me that I might initially feel loved, but by the time Lana finally gets there, I'm feeling very unloved.

  4. Admit Your Abusive Behavior to Your Partner

  It will be extremely difficult for you to admit to your abusive behavior for several reasons. First, because you already feel unlovable and because you fear abandonment, you don't want your partner to know there is anything wrong with you or that you've done anything wrong. Your unconscious reasoning may be like this: "If my partner discovers I'm not perfect, he's going to reject me. Therefore, I can't admit I have a problem. It's better to make him think the problem lies with him."

  Second, you probably judge yourself as harshly as you judge others. And just as you see others in all-or-nothing, black-and-white terms, you see yourself in the same way. If you admit to yourself and your partner that you have been abusive, you are likely to see yourself as "all bad" and fear that your partner will do the same.

  Third, if you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, you also tend to suffer from pervasive shame-the feeling that you are worthless, flawed, and defective. Admitting that your behavior is sometimes abusive may trigger what is commonly called a "shame attack"-an overwhelming feeling of being exposed as the defective, evil person that you feel you are at your core and feeling isolated, empty, and alone in the world as a result of it. Nevertheless, it is still important to let your partner know that your behavior has been abusive. Refer to chapter 6 for more information about how to go about doing this.

  5. Reach Out for Help

  As I wrote earlier, many people suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder without realizing it. Many people go their entire lives without knowing w
hy they feel and behave as they do, and most never receive any help for their problems. Others seek help for related problems such as eating disorders, alcohol or drug abuse, or compulsive shopping or gambling. Some seek help for depression and suicidal attempts. But few seek help because they are abusing their partner. In fact, most people who suffer from BPD believe they are the ones who are being abused in their relationships. By admitting that you are, in fact, being emotionally abusive to your partner, you will be exhibiting a great deal of integrity and courage. Not only will you possibly be saving your relationship but the help you get will save you as well. You've no doubt sensed for a long time that there is something terribly wrong with you. After all, you've been in emotional pain most of your life. You've experienced a constant feeling of emptiness inside that you've tried to fill up with food, alcohol, or relationships. You've been in a constant state of either anxiety or depression.

  It is especially important to reach out for help if you are experiencing chronic or severe depression. You cannot just will yourself out of depression. By its very nature, depression takes away your will and your motivation, and it distorts your perception. You may need medication, at least temporarily, especially if you feel suicidal. More important, you need someone to talk to, someone who is not involved personally in your life, someone who can provide an objective perspective.

  You will also need the help of a professional to help you identify and express your emotions. The most common defense is intellectualization. When we intellectualize, we seek reasons to explain, analyze, censor, and judge our feelings. We tell ourselves that certain feelings are bad or wrong and therefore we shouldn't feel them. Or we tell ourselves that feelings are childish and that those who express them openly are foolish. But while our emotions can sometimes be unpleasant, confusing, untimely, and even disruptive, they are as natural as any body function and as necessary. You undoubtedly need help to work past your tendency to intellectualize your emotions and help to begin allowing yourself to express your emotions in constructive ways.