by Claire Buss
'Hmpf. Cutting it a bit fine aren't we?' She lobbed a cinnamon twist at Ned's head. A sharp eye and a hint of power-assisted catch reflex meant that it landed in Ned's hands and did not sail through the window.
'Everything alright, Aggie?'
'Everything alright he says – as if he didn't know.'
Ned frowned. He didn't.
'Who do you think gets my special spices in for me?'
Ned shrugged.
'Two-Face Bob of course, and he only went to see you about the Rose Thief and now he's dead.'
'How do you know that?'
'Just because I bake by profession does not mean I can't read or talk to my other customers, thank you very much. I'll have you know Two-Face was very partial to an Apricot Spigot.' Aggie looked daggers at Ned, making him edge backwards towards the door.
'We're looking into it Aggie I swear.' She didn't look impressed. 'I'll make sure your spices come through I promise.'
'I'd take your promise on good faith if I didn't already know that the Upper Bloody Circle has threatened to close everything – yes everything – until the Rose Thief is caught. That means no wagons, no shipments and no air drops. We will be cut off from the outside world. Tell me – what am I supposed to do if I run out of sugar? Can't bake without sugar, can I?'
Ned was shocked. He let Aggie's tirade wash over him and he tried to process what the Emperor had threatened. Trade was the life blood of Roshaven, without it everything would start falling apart. And this was all over some stupid flowers. The Rose Thief hadn't even stolen the magically endowed one yet. Could this be about something deeper? If only he had time to figure it out.
'I didn't know that Aggie – but we're on the case. We'll get to the bottom of it as quickly as we can, I promise.'
'Don't bother coming back until you do. I can't afford to give it away anymore.' She turned, resolute, preventing him from making any kind of comeback. The cinnamon twist tasted like ashes in his mouth as he walked away from the bakery. He was too hungry to throw it away but he doubted whether he'd ever eat another one, especially if this case didn't get solved soon. Jenni followed in his wake, for once blissfully quiet. Ned stopped at one, then another power well trying to draw as much as he could into his own storage belt. Touching the Emperor had recharged him but it felt like foreign power. It skittered under his skin. At least the power wells never ran dry. When Roshaven was originally built, magical ley lines were used to their maximum potential – it was why the Druids happily existed within the city walls, the natural power of the city hadn't been paved over. Each well was located over a nexus point and access was freely available to all spell-casters. Some Guild or other had tried to capitalise on charging for access but the fae who lived in the city soon changed their minds and no-one else felt inclined to see their innards draped artfully across the city walls anytime soon.
Walking in silence they made their way to the heart of the city where a small garden was well kept. It wasn't much of a garden, more like a patch of grass and a small sapling. It looked lost surrounded by the cobbles and rooftops of the city. It was the only gateway left to Momma K's realm though, the next one was a four day ride out towards the River Whine – it never stopped moaning. Ned looked round for the plain clothes Palace Guards, but they'd disappeared. He must have lost them at Aggie's. It didn't matter, they couldn't follow through here. He motioned for Jenni to open the gateway and she hesitated.
'Boss – she's not 'appy wiv you. Says you forgot 'er birfday. I ain't saying you did or you never but...' She shrugged as if to say rather you than me.
Ned swore softly under his breath. He quickly patted his pockets to see if there was anything worth gifting Momma K. His hand closed over the broken watch he'd been carrying around with him. It would have to do, he hoped no other clever young buck had tried the same trick. Momma K liked novelty.
Jenni grabbed hold of the air around the sapling and twisted it somehow, it was difficult to watch as the sky started to bend and then rapidly expand. Ned tried not to follow the landscape as it flew past his head. He'd made that mistake the first time he'd come and had ended up being rather ill on some delightful looking toadstools. At the time he'd prayed fervently that no-one lived there. Now he knew better, sprites didn't live in toadstools – brownies did and there were none of those in Momma K's kingdom.
Ned took a deep breath and strode towards the bright lights in the forest glade ahead, somewhat to the left of the horizon. Momma K was entertaining, he could make out the strains of lively music and the lights were flashing blue, green, red and yellow. Either that or it was some kind of newfangled torture device, either one was likely and in actual fact it was probably a combination of the two. Momma K liked to multi-task. The music got louder and deeper as they got closer. It felt to Ned that it vibrated in the pit of his stomach. It was making his teeth hum uncomfortably. As he began to think his eardrums might blow, the music stopped abruptly and the light changed to soft purple. Momma K knew he had come. As Ned walked round a rather stout pumpkin he saw Joe passed out on a pile of lettuces. The young lad appeared to be breathing and was otherwise unharmed so he'd have to wait until Ned had placated Momma K. Ned spread his arms wide, fixed a grin on his face and yelled happily, 'Momma K – how you been girl?'
A diminutive ebony coloured sprite with waves of silver hair spun elegantly on one leg and held out a hand to stop his progress.
'Oh no you didn't. You did not just walk in my kingdom like that. Tell me you did not just walk into my kingdom like that.' She shook her head and waggled her fingers at him.
'Momma K, baby, you know I got love for you.'
'Well you better show it. Words is words, they ain't showing me no love.'
'I stopped time for you girl.' Ned offered his broken watch and held his breath as the tiny figure came forward and scrutinised his gift.
'Whaaaaat? You stopped time for me? For little old me?' She graciously took the broken watch and tied it around her waist. 'Oooooh you did good boy, you did good.'
They walked together past a row of giant strawberries that glittered slightly in the sprite-light.
'How you been Momma K?'
'Can't complain, can't complain. But, I hear you got problems boy. Big spiky red problems. I can't keep him here.' Momma K leant in and stroked Ned's hand gently. 'I can't change what that boy got. You're gonna have to see if you can push it out of him and it ain't gonna be pretty.'
They both regarded Joe who had now woken up and was looking mournful. He was idly twisting a piece of grass round and round his fingers ignoring the sprites cavorting nearby.
'What do you suggest?' asked Ned.
'Find a body of water and drown him,' replied Momma K.
'Drown him?'
'You want to try and get that power out of him, you got to kill him. Best way back to life for humans is to be drowned. They come back seven times out of ten.'
'Seven times huh? Not sure I like those odds.'
'You don't got to like 'em, you just got to make 'em.'
'True dat.'
The two of them stood there nodding, regarding Joe for a while until Momma K decided she was bored and drifted off. All thoughts of Ned and Joe were firmly pushed out of her mind as she decided what kind of flower to use for her next baking project. These weren't always edible and were rarely safe for human consumption.
Ned looked around for Jenni, she was kissing a frog. He sighed. Ten to one the frog was a prince from some far flung land who had upset the sprites. He watched to see if a transformation was going to occur. The frog waggled its toes and hopped off. Clearly just a frog then. Jenni spat loudly.
'Flies.'
'We've got to drown Joe.' Ned told her.
'Okay Boss, ocean or lake?'
Ned sighed. Either option was problematic. If they went to the lake they had to contend with The Lady, a water sprite with an excessive algae disorder. She cleaned the lake constantly and the only way she could do that was to filter it through her body. Aft
er several complaints she'd reversed orifices and now the cleaned water streamed out of her eyes instead, giving her the nickname of Piss-eyed Nellie. It streamed out of her ears, nose and mouth too but this was still considered to be more hygienic than the previous route. It did however, make understanding her a little difficult. Everything was rather watery. Piss-eyed Nellie didn't like being interrupted and would more than likely have an episode if they tried to drown Joe in her lake. So it looked like it would have to be the ocean. Once Ned cleared it with the mermaids. He still owed them. They bailed him out at the last interspecies poker game to the tune of anything they wanted named at a later date. It wasn't the most comforting price to have hanging over your head especially when you wanted another favour. The mermaids would be able to resuscitate Joe provided nothing went wrong. Ned would have to get them to cash in their debt first and then drown Joe.
'We'll go to the ocean, Jenni, I've just got to pay Pearl first.'
'You sure that's a good idea, Boss?'
Ned shrugged. It looked like he didn't have much of a choice.
'Couldn't we do it inna baff?'
'I'm fairly sure it needs to be a natural body of water – it'll have to have plenty of natural resonance to draw out the compulsion web within him.'
They were now standing over Joe, who gave no acknowledgement of their presence and merely continued to twist the grass round his fingers. Jenni took him by the hand and he bobbed up to stand like a marionette. He followed her rather bonelessly out of the glade and back through the portal to the tiny patch of grass in Roshaven. Ned was right behind them and looked wistfully over his shoulder as Momma K's kingdom winked out of sight. One day he'd get to stay for the party and he didn't think he'd care much if that meant he could never come home.
Chapter 9
'Jenni, pop into the office and let Willow know what's happening. I'll meet you at the Dead Pier.'
She nodded and vanished. Ned took a good handful of Joe's shirt and began walking. Joe followed without a murmur. Whatever Momma K had done to calm him down was working, a little too well. They arrived without incident although there were a few odd glances from passers-by. Ned looked round and realised Joe was levitating slightly and consequently was being pulled along like a human shaped balloon. He didn't know if that was left over Momma K or warlock juice reaction. It didn't matter, they had arrived at the Dead Pier.
Skulls hung along the decking at jaunty angles. Some were blood red, others black but most were white and highly polished. All of them had deep, dark, empty, eye sockets and grinning expressions. The Dead Pier was a place to play tribute to a loved one. Back in the day it had been respectful to leave a bone behind. Indeed, the rest of the pier was made up of lashed together ribs, leg and arm bones but it was now considered far too provincial to add to the pier like that these days. Skulls were left behind instead. At All Hallows, they were strung across the width of the pier with candles flickering within them, creating an atmospheric effect. The Emperor had allowed the pier to remain because it was a huge tourist attraction and he, she, charged heavily for guided tours. The things idiots will part cash for, thought Ned, as he eyed a tourist crocodile winding its way down the far end of the pier.
Jenni was already back and standing by the Drop-Off, the traditional spot to talk to the mermaids, not that they often bothered to reply. The world of land was boring and way too bright for their eyes to handle too many trips upwards.
'I'll speak to Pearl first. Have you got him?' Ned passed his human balloon over to Jenni. She looked rather odd as Joe towered over her but at least Ned knew her grip would be like iron and if the lad came to, Jenni could deal with any magic the other warlock might decide to channel through Joe.
Ned sighed and took his boots and socks off. They were good boots with bootlaces that sort of matched and only one small hole in the right heel which was rather comforting on wet days when his sock became gradually soggier and soggier. It made him feel alive and in tune with his city. He gingerly dipped a toe in the water. It seemed to swirl around his foot and suck hungrily at his toe before he hastily lifted the foot out. It didn't take long for Pearl to appear. A large, dark brown seal poked its head out of the sea. The seal looked bored already. This wasn't a good start.
'You owe me.' A female voice came from the seal.
'Hi Pearl, good to see you too,' replied Ned.
'When are you paying?'
'Er, now?'
'Then you'd better get in.'
Ned shot a glance at Jenni who grinned encouragingly. He took off his thief-catcher coat but left everything else. If the mermaids intended on drowning him, then being naked wouldn't make any difference and if he got into difficulties then they would help him out. He hoped. He left his portable power wells where they were, he might need them. Ned carefully sat down on the edge of the pier ready to make his own way into the sea but Pearl had become impatient. Morphing her seal flipper into an arm, she grabbed his foot and pulled him inelegantly into the drink. He landed with a smack and felt the sting of salt water. Thankfully he'd taken a deep breath, but the look on Pearl's face was anything but friendly.
Underwater she was gorgeous. Everything you'd ever dreamt a mermaid should look like and more. Golden blonde hair that floated seductively around her head, large blue eyes and beautiful porcelain skin, perfectly rounded breasts with rose tipped nipples inviting you closer and the most mesmerising turquoise fish scale tail you've ever seen. Light danced over the scales in shimmering patterns and whorls. It was enough to make you forget to hold your breath. Ned drew some power from his wells and forced his neck to grow gills. It burnt like hell and the first gush of water through the new breathing system made him feel like he was drowning in acid, but this was the best way to interact with the mermaids. You never knew how long you would be down here and air supply had a nasty tendency to run out.
'Why have you shamed me so?' Pearl sounded upset.
'Shamed you?' Ned asked.
Pearl lashed her tail rapidly through the water. 'You have left payment a long time.'
'I apologise. Things came up – the city needs my help.'
'Are you saying we aren't part of the city?'
'No – yes – I mean, of course you are. An important part, but there have been thefts and murders that took my attention away from payment.'
'Are we worth that little to you?'
Coldness emanated from Pearl as all the colour and sparkle leached out of her and bleak sadness overtook. If Ned hadn't been previously spell-cast against mermaid charms it was likely that he would have drowned out of pure misery – a common mermaid ploy. When she realised it was having absolutely no effect, Pearl tried a different tack and let her power shine. She was now the most colourful mermaid, the most curvaceous woman Ned had ever seen. Her hair grew even more luscious, her face glowed like the most beautiful face in the world and her breasts – Ned shook his head feeling drunk and disorientated.
'Pearl, just tell me what I owe.'
She pulled back the glamour somewhat as Ned tried hard to look anywhere apart from straight ahead. Half naked women were highly distracting. It had grown darker and darker - without realising Ned had been slowly sinking to the bottom of the harbour. He narrowly avoided getting skewered on the mast of an old sunken ship before his heels touched the sandy bottom with little puffs.
Pearl swished her tail, making the clouds of sand dance around his feet and named her price.
'I want to be on the team,' she said.
'You want to be a thief-catcher?' Ned was surprised.
'Yes. I want it authorised by whoever the highest power is now.' Keeping up with who ruled Roshaven wasn't a mermaid's strong point. When you live forever and can't leave the ocean, who sits on a throne inland isn't that important or interesting.
'Why do you want to be a thief-catcher?' Ned asked cautiously.
'You're always coming to me for help so I want to be recognised as a valued member of the team.'
'Right.'
'You might think it's amusing but this means a lot to me, Ned. You should be thankful I don't want anything else – like your liver.'
Ned tried to smile but he knew mermaids enjoyed eating human offal. The undertakers kept them in fresh supply but there had been killings in the past. The past that wasn't actually that far away. It had been a mermaid kill investigation that Ned had come to Pearl for help with, leading to high stakes in the interspecies poker game. Now, it looked like he owed her thief-catcher status. He shook his head in disbelief.
'Fine, welcome to the team.'
Pearl grinned toothily. 'I want proof of authenticity,' she said.
'As soon as I get back to the office I will get you a badge, a copy of the rules, and enter your name in the ledger.'
'That's it?'
'That's it.'
'Ohhhhh,' Pearl squealed in happiness and spun round him so fast that Ned lost his balance and fell in slow motion onto his butt. He couldn't help but grin at her happiness. If only everything was that easy.
'What was it you wanted, Boss?' Pearl was grinning at him from ear to ear which would have been lovely if it hadn't revealed her extremely sharp, shark-like teeth.
'Er, right, I want you to drown someone and then bring him back to life.'
'No.'
'C'mon Pearl, I know you can do it. You saved me.'
'Those were specialist circumstances and anyway it's against the code.' Pearl was all business now, her glamour had finally relaxed and she looked like an ordinary woman. Half naked with a tail and still fabulously gorgeous, but at least Ned could concentrate on changing her mind instead of shutting up his libido.
'What if I told you it was top level thief-catcher work and we needed you to help us crack the Rose Thief case?'
'So you'd be asking me as my boss? This would be my first official job?'