by Claire Buss
'Yes, exactly.' Ned was silently praising any and all gods currently listening that Pearl's payment had been to be a member of the team.
'Well,' she swished her tail seductively. 'I guess that means I can't say no.'
'Excellent.'
Ned swam up to the surface and tried to shout to Jenni but gills make talking coherently difficult. He had to splash the surface of the water hard in order to get her attention and then mime her throwing Joe in. They gathered a rather large audience as Jenni mischievously pretended to misunderstand what Ned wanted. It's not everyday you see a semi-floating man being held in place by a small sprite, the head of the thief-catchers soaked to the skin bobbing about in the bay and an extremely attractive mermaid in seductress form happily giving any and all a right eyeful. Eventually a half-brick skimmed Ned's shoulder followed by the still vacant Joe who seemed to float at the surface for a long time before gradually, gradually, sinking beneath the waves. Ned dived down in time to see Joe fully wake up. There was mass panic as he gulped in water, panicked further, thrashed, gulped in more water, panicked some more and all the while his eyes were fixed on Ned, pleading him to save him.
The thrashing and swallowing and panicking seemed to last for a lot longer than it should have. Pearl shook her head.
'He can't drown.'
'Whaddya mean he can't drown?'
'Don't ask me – he's your warlock – shouldn't you know better?'
'Huh?'
'Oh for goodness sake! Warlocks can't drown. Their type of inborn magic means they can't die by natural elements. Surely you knew that?'
Ned shook his head. He'd hadn't actually known warlocks couldn't drown – so much for this plan. He swam down to the half-brick and untied the rope connecting it to Joe who immediately lashed out strongly as he swam up to the surface and kicked Ned in the face. A red mist began pooling in front of Ned's face as his eyes watered in pain.
'Badtard brode by nobe!'
'Get out of the water, Boss.' Pearl's teeth were back, sharp talons had grown out of her fingers matching the razor sharp prongs projecting from her tail along its length. Fabulous, thought Ned, he had awoken her blood thirst. Pearl pushed him away from her hard, up towards the surface. Ned was surprised at the force then saw more mermaids rapidly approaching in the distance. He fumbled with his power well and willed the gills away. The sharp pain in the middle of his face was joined by a burning agony in his airless lungs and the acid-like burning feeling on his neck. As he broke the surface Jenni scooped him out with an air spell of her own – just in time. Talons swept for him as he left the water, multiple fins circling below. Blood streamed down his face as he regarded a rather wet and bedraggled Joe on the pier. Ned fell to the floor with a wet plop and watched the red droplets splash the bones below him, it made them look even more macabre.
'A liddle help?'
Jenni tutted and waved her hand, the blood stopped pouring and Ned tried a few nose twitches.
'Aargh!' Still broken.
'I don't do bones, Boss – too 'ard.'
Ned tenderly felt his face. A size nine possibly nine and a half, steel toe capped with reinforced heel. All because he'd tried to drown a fellow in order to save him. Some people had no gratitude. The two men regarded each other for a moment. Ned spoke first.
'Look, I'm sorry I tried to drown you. We were trying to get the compulsion out of you. Break your connection to the warlock.'
'I'm sorry I broke your nose. I was trying to break your face.'
'Well, at least you're honest about it.'
Jenni hopped from one foot to the other. 'Er, Boss – drawing a bit of attention 'ere – shall we go 'ome?'
'Yes Jenni, let's.'
She popped them all back to the office in The Noose. Sparks started buzzing around in a highly distressed state as soon as they appeared and Willow stared in fascination at the bloody mess on Ned's face.
Ned made a grab for Sparks. 'Can we get a Druid please? I'm in pain.'
Sparks flashed his butt in agreement and disappeared. Ned sank down into his chair and regarded Joe who was sat sullenly on the floor by the window.
'I think you've got some explaining to do, kid.'
But before Joe could say anything Sparks exploded back into the room, butt flashing, wings whirring and followed by at least a hundred of his friends and relations. Ned sighed, clearly Sparks had sent out a distress signal. Well, if nothing else there would be plenty of light for the Druid to fix his nose when she arrived.
A few moments later Kendra poked her face around the door frame - she was nervous. Druids weren't often the most liked of the medical profession, due to a highly popular book called Why It Isn't Safe To Be A Virgin. There were many reasons, but the one that most people found acceptable was that otherwise Druids would sacrifice you. The fact that there had been no human sacrifices for hundreds of years was neither here nor there – the issue was that Druids were known for it. A firmly established fact they could do nothing about. History was history, after all. Kendra had tried valiantly to break this taboo by announcing to one and all – via the local rag – that she was a virgin and had no plans to sacrifice herself anytime soon. All that had managed to achieve was a rather large post bag of suggestive mail every Wednesday containing various offers of deflowering and other rather less poetic suggestions. Now Kendra tiptoed around – going out in public was asking for trouble. She never knew who might try to throw her to the ground and have their wicked way with her. There was a young blacksmith down in the Iron Quarter that Kendra wouldn't say no to but it was hard to communicate that and avoid the other hopefuls so she stayed indoors and only came out for emergencies.
Taking one look at Ned's face she took out a packet of blood moss from her medicinal pouch and softly asked for some boiling water. Jenni conjured up a tea kettle and bowl and Kendra began steeping the moss and brewing a tonic. When the moss was a soggy mass she pressed it on Ned's face and waved her hands in a complicated pattern. The relief was as intense as the pain.
'I can't do anything about the wonk I'm afraid but if you drink the tea it'll stop the pain from coming back before the bones have realised they've been healed.' Kendra passed Ned a cup. 'Judging by the ferocity of the attack, I'd drink the tea.'
Ned sniffed it warily. It smelt like unwashed socks.
'Best to down it in one.' Kendra smiled and added some mint to sweeten the flavour. She watched him force the drink down. 'How would you like to pay for our services today? We are short a few attendants at tonight's power vigil if you'd like to stand in. Nudity is a requirement but the dancing is totally optional.' Kendra's face was so open and sincere that Ned didn't have the heart to say no.
Chapter 10
There was a hesitant knock on the door and a Palace Guard entered holding an embossed envelope addressed to Ned. It looked expensive with gilt edging and fancy scroll work.
'Just put it on there.' Ned gestured to a towering pile of paperwork stacked next to his desk. It was unclear as to whether it was being supported by the desk or whether it was holding the desk up. Most of the furniture in the thief-catcher's HQ was non-existent and what they did have had seen better days a hundred years ago.
'I can't.' The guard looked faintly embarrassed. 'It's an imperial announcement. I have to announce it.' He swallowed nervously. 'There should be a fanfare but our Brian is feeling under the weather and I've only got to page one on how to play the trumpet. It just tells you what bit goes where.' He was on the brink of tears now. 'I wanted to do it proper like but... me mam is going to be so disappointed... this was me first...' He trailed off, gulping, furiously trying not to cry.
'Never mind lad, first times are always tricky. If you like we can pretend the fanfare was the best we've heard.' Ned was trying to be kind but it was difficult when Jenni was sniggering in the corner.
'Oh thank you sir, that would be grand. The best you say. I'll tell our Brian, he'll be right pleased. He's on chapter four you know.' The young guard was beaming at ev
eryone in the room having quite forgotten why he was there in the first place.
'The message?' prompted Ned.
'Message? Oh yes! The message.' The guard fumbled with the envelope. 'Ahem. While you were paddling in the sea another rose has been stolen. In light of your flagrant disregard for the Emperor's wishes, may he live for ever and ever, and the obvious protection of a dangerous criminal – er – I hereby announce you have failed to solve this case. Your time is up and you will be hung by your feet until... you... are... dead... er... look sorry about this – I'm just the messenger, you understand?'
'Is there any more?' Ned asked.
'Oh yes. Shall I carry on?'
'Please do.'
'Right... hung... dead... heels... ah yes.' The guard refocused. 'However, given that you are the only semi-efficient thief-catcher in Roshaven the Emperor, may he live for ever and ever, has decided, in his infinite wisdom and grace, that you shall have what's left of your life to solve this crime. Should you find the Rose Thief before the red rose is stolen then you may keep your... er miserable existence – sorry, I'm just reading it... um yes that's it. Just a list of his eminence's titles which I can read if you like? No? Ah okay. Well then. Cheerio.'
As the Palace Guard left the room everyone turned to look at Ned.
'Looks like the countdown has been lifted so I suggest everyone go home, get some rest and we'll attack this again in the morning. Kendra – we will come to the circle, midnight yes?'
Kendra looked rather confused but nodded slowly. Ned smiled at her and ushered her out of the door politely but firmly before turning to address the others. 'Anyone else who wants to come along is welcome but I won't make it an order.'
'But Boss,' Willow looked close to tears. 'He said you were going to hang?'
'Only if we don't catch the thief and I intend to so there's nothing to worry about.' Ned hoped he sounded more confident then he felt. 'You will be coming home with me.' He jabbed a finger at Joe who was looking rather worse for wear. 'See you all in the morning, team.'
Ned didn't wait for anyone else to protest. He hefted Joe to his feet and began pulling him out of the office with him. Jenni followed with a shrug. When she didn't return to Momma K's she usually slept in Ned's garden – it was a wild, overgrown place where she could torment pixies and gnomes to her heart's desire. There was also rumoured to be a particularly nasty brownie that Jenni was determined to conquer so the evening looked to have some kind of bright side. Willow watched them go, dead leaves falling from her hair to the ground without her realising. Once she decided the rest of the catchers were gone and they weren't coming back, she shuddered and climbed out of the window. The love sick moss and lichen swarmed, making a soft carpet for her to lay on as they rippled across the roofs towards the small city orchard. It wasn't the best orchard she'd ever been in but since Willow had started visiting, yield had trebled and there was an interesting Old Pippin who'd known Willow's grandmother. Sometimes it was comforting to be around what you knew and right now Willow needed root, trunk and branch to comfort her. Sparks stayed in the office. He was too buzzed to go outside right now. He'd attract all the wrong kind of attention with a butt that bright. Several of his friends and relations had stayed after Ned had been treated and it looked like there was going to be shindig, or at the very least a hootenanny. A firefly's social life was electric.
Chapter 11
'What exactly are you going to do with me?' Joe demanded.
'Nothing much.' Ned shrugged. He was tired and wanted to catch a few hours shut-eye before his presence was required at the Druid circle.
'Don't you want to question me further?'
'I will. Tomorrow.' Ned's quiet confidence unnerved Joe who began biting his fingernails in earnest.
They walked the rest of the way in silence, Jenni bringing up the rear and humming tunelessly. Ned's place was an extremely narrow house tucked in the corner of Wide Street, looking like an apologetic leftover. Which it was. The builders had been so keen to fit the houses to the name of the street that they had forgotten to measure twice and cut once, and ended up cutting twice and not measuring at all. Consequently there were an awful lot of extremely wide houses on Wide Street, which was fine for the huge families that occupied the various abodes. It did, however, leave a rather embarrassing gap on the corner where Wide Street joined High Trees Mall. There had to be a building there, it was part of the plans, so the builders had shoved leftovers together. It was a house full of character, and draughts, and oddly shaped rooms, and a wonky roof, but Ned felt right at home there. He had more space than he knew what to do with, thanks to the unusual shape.
Ned felt that relaxing, soothing balm in coming home - the one that makes cups of tea made there feel better than anywhere else. His body ached all over and he felt more tired than he had for a long time. Forgetting for the moment that he'd promised to attend the midnight vigil, he was looking forward to a hot bath and a comfortable bed.
'Ere Boss – do you want a wake up for midnight?'
So much for that fantasy. Ned nodded wearily and kicked his boots off into the corner. He gestured for Joe to make himself at home while Jenni laid traps at all the doors and windows. Joe watched her curiously.
'It's so you don't escape,' Ned explained.
'Right. Because she thinks I want the Emperor, may he live for ever and ever, to catch me and kill me.'
'You don't need to say that you know.'
'What?'
'The ever and ever bit. I'm pretty sure the emperor is a... not as powerful as he'd like us to think.'
'I thought, you know, that we get fined or something if we don't say it.'
Ned smiled a small, sad smile and went to see if anything had miraculously appeared in the cupboards during the daytime. They were suspiciously full. Jenni was being nosy, seeing if there was anything for her.
'Is this your doing?' Ned asked her.
'Nah - it's Momma K. She saw the 'ole mermaid fing and felt bad.'
'Well, give her my thanks – looks like we are actually eating tonight.'
On closer inspection a take-away might have been a safer bet. Momma K's tastes were eclectic at best. There were sugared ants and grasshopper brittle, some slug jam and wasp honey which was sharper than the bee variety. She'd sent through some worm sausages and snail burgers together with a huge hamper of what must have been every leaf variety in her grove. Possibly some of it was edible but Ned didn't want to take the chance. Fortunately there were also some edible things like the elderflower tonic water and the mushroom quiche. Once you'd crunched a few sugared ants they weren't half bad and the berries from the forest more than made up for the beetle cheesecake. It was the mandibles sticking out that put Ned off. Jenni was ecstatic, all her favourites and she hadn't had to do any of the cooking. She ate until her stomach extended outwards as far as she stood upright. Joe stuck to the berries and nuts, not even trusting the mushroom quiche which Ned had to admit did have an odd aftertaste, but he was so hungry he was past caring. He'd make sure he never found out what the recipe was.
It was a few minutes to eight by the time they'd finished with dinner. Ned took out his pipe. It was one of his favourite post-work pastimes to sit and smoke in the calm of an evening after a busy day. Today had certainly felt like a marathon. His head wreathed in cloud rings, Ned shut his eyes, just for a moment, and felt that blissful feeling when sleep carries you away before you even realise what has happened.
An extremely loud and raucous rooster cawed inside his head. At least that's how it felt. His pipe lay on the floor where his sleeping hand had dropped it and Jenni lay snoring on the table. The remains of a few last treats were scattered around her. There was no sign of Joe. Instantly Ned was fully alert, ears straining to hear past the usual creaks and groans of the odd house. Movement – there. Relief coursed through him, Joe was in the bathroom. He was still here. Ned leaned over and poked Jenni in the back. She rolled off the table and plopped on the floor.
'Ow.'
'You awake?'
'Nghhfrgr.'
'Good. We've got to go to the Druid Grove. I owe Kendra.'
Jenni yawned loudly. Her jaw popping and snapping before finally closing as she sat up and stared daggers at her boss.
'I ain't dancing.'
'Me neither.' It was Joe, stood in the doorway. He looked different, more alive than before. Ned realised what it was. Now that everyone knew he was a warlock and he didn't have to try so hard to fit in, Joe had dropped his camouflage. He looked taller, more intelligent and a good deal more dangerous.
'I've decided I want to tell you everything so we can stop my sister before love is lost.'
'How very noble of you. Bit busy at the moment.' Ned swung his feet into his battered old boots and looked for a warmish cloak. 'You coming?'
'To a midnight power vigil – try and stop me.'
A knife sang through the air and thunked into the wall behind Joe's head, his ear throbbing with the close shave it had had.
'You will not steal power. You will not desecrate a holy place. You will not shame the office of thief-catcher in any way.' Ned wasn't even looking at Joe who had lost a little of his composure and was stammering promises to behave. 'Let's go. We don't want to be late.'
It was getting close to a quarter to midnight so they had to hurry through the streets to the standing stones circle on the East side of the city. The Druids would have liked it to be more central, but politics had been too strong at the time of erection and if they hadn't dug their heels in both metaphorically and actually they would never have got the grove in the East side. Mystical stones were heavy and took a lot of lugging. Besides, they were established now and generated a tidy income for the Emperor from tourists who wanted to know whether this stone circle was more or less blood splattered than they imagined. You know what Druids are like.
The streets were virtually empty. Except for the beggars because you never know, right? Besides, drunks with anything left were usually generous. And the thieves, because, you know, they have a code of honour and are meant to work the late shift. And the assassins, who were only practising because if you ever did see them, then you knew you meant enough to someone to have them pay to kill you. And the ladies of the night because if they didn't come out at night then they were faced with a complete social identity crisis. And the hawkers, who did a brisk trade from the tourists looking for some after hours excitement. And every other Tom, Dick and Bloody Harry, who you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley after hours. It was rumoured that Harry's blood was cat but you never could be certain could you? In essence, it was like every other bustling night in Roshaven.