The Rose Thief

by Claire Buss

  Ned stood up abruptly. 'Let's go, Jenni.'

  'Where to, Boss?'

  'The Daily Blag. Willow, Sparks, stay here and if anyone comes asking, boot 'em.'

  Willow was very pale and Sparks had stopped flashing. Neither of them owned any boots so they were unsure as to what was expected from them, however, whatever it was they'd do it. Ned and Jenni thumped down the stairs, only to be met by Palace Guards trying to block their exit from The Noose.

  'The Emperor, may he live for ever and ever, demands a report, Thief-Catcher.'

  'Tough.' Ned pushed past and stalked out. Mortar held the guards back till Ned was out of sight. He felt angry. Angry that Joe had escaped. Angry that they had missed a big clue under their noses. Angry that the whole thing was over a stupid flower. When they arrived at The Daily Blag, all the shutters were drawn and it had an air of closure about it. Jenni licked a finger and pointed it towards the building.

  'Glamour.' She flicked her wrist expertly. The facade fell away revealing a ground floor level window that blazed with light and noise. It was coming from the small accommodation rooms Neeps had on site. It sounded like an argument. Ned carefully pushed the unlocked, front door open, looking out for any magical booby traps.

  'Why did you come here?' Neeps' voice was shrill.

  'I told you, I need your help.'

  'I'm not helping you again. You put me in danger – I could've been killed harbouring this for you.'

  'But you weren't.'

  'It's more dangerous than I'd like. Did you see what happened to the High Priestess at the Druids' Grove? Completely burnt out, like that.' Neeps snapped her fingers.

  'Neepy, come on – don't be mad.'

  'Neepy?' Ned and Jenni mouthed at each other in surprise. They crept down the hallway towards the source of the voices.

  'Oh, I can't stay mad at you but you shouldn't be here. What if your sister finds you?'

  'She's more interested in finding the missing rose.'

  'But that's here too!' Neeps paused. 'It is beautiful though.'

  Ned and Jenni peeked through a chink in the door. There on the table was a huge pot containing the spelled red rose of love. It shimmered slightly and its heady perfume filled the air.

  'It's okay, Boss, I know you're there.'

  Joe and Neeps turned to look at the doorway. Ned feeling slightly miffed, strode into the room determined to put an end to whatever it was that was happening.

  'I'm arresting you for the theft of the red rose of love. I assume you have the other roses in your possession?'

  'Er no – I'm not the Rose Thief, Boss. I told you – Mia stole the roses, not me.'

  'You expect me to believe you when one of them is staring me in the face.'

  'Okay so not this one, Neeps stole this one. But it's alright. Brogan will be here soon, we can give him the red rose. He can take it far away from here or give it to Mia and profess his love. Maybe, if we're really, really lucky she'll leave with him and life can get back to normal.'

  Ned snorted. 'I'm not letting her leave with that magical rose. Besides, she's wanted for murder. On two counts.'

  'I told you that wasn't her, I know it wasn't.' Joe tried to defend his sister.

  'Huh. Even if I believed you, which I don't, what about the whole 'where she goes I go' spell?' asked Ned.

  'I do. Go where she goes. So I'll be out of your hair too.'

  'What is he talking about? You're leaving!' Neeps clutched Joe's arm in alarm. 'Can I come with you?'

  There was an awkward pause followed by a loud banging at the back door. Joe looked relieved.

  'Just a minute,' he called.

  Ned watched, eyes narrowed, as Joe went to the back door and let a huge man in. He filled the doorway. Over six foot tall and broad chested with large, muscular arms. He had thick, black hair and brown eyes twinkled in his handsome face.

  'I hear my girl is causing trouble.'

  Ned sniggered, he couldn't help it. Before long tears began rolling down his face as he tried to keep the giggle fit inside. He wheezed a breath of air but couldn't stop a bark of laughter from escaping. Like most things that occur inappropriately, it spread like wild-fire. Jenni was already grinning from ear to ear but now she threw in a deep belly chuckle for good measure. Neeps tittered behind her hand whilst the goliath that was Brogan guffawed loudly. Only Joe remained unmoved. He stared at the others in disbelief.

  'This is serious, you guys.'

  Peals of laughter rang out.

  'I mean it, we need to figure out what to do.' Joe stood there looking so pathetically miserable that it didn't seem quite so amusing and when a tear rolled down his cheek the giggles turned into coughs and a lot of eye contact avoidance as the others stamped their mirth down.

  'Shall I make some coffee?' Neeps was the first able to speak. Not waiting for affirmatives, she went to the small kitchen next door and began brewing.

  Brogan levered his bulk down into the nearest chair, Jenni perched on the table. When Neeps returned with beverages everyone was still fairly red faced but the giggle fit had passed.

  'Right, who is this guy then? Joe?' Ned took charge, someone had to.

  'Well... Brogan and Mia were dating about three months ago.'

  'We were in love, mate. It were beautiful.' Brogan said, misty-eyed.

  'Yes, well, it didn't stop you from getting caught in flagrante with that horse-mistress from up the hill, did it?' snapped Joe.

  'She was expressing her thanks.' Brogan shrugged, a crooked smile on his face.

  'Naked.' Joe didn't sound impressed.

  Ned perked up, this sounded interesting.

  'It's their custom.' Brogan was grinning.

  'Pretty sure turning up naked in your bed chamber with a variety of aphrodisiacs is a little bit more than simple thanks. Even their wedding ceremonies are consummated fully clothed. On the back of three horses. Don't ask.' Joe flung up a hand, forestalling Ned's question on the mechanics of such a thing. Ned huffed a little, he'd been hoping for a diagram.

  'Brogan, you broke my sister's heart.' Joe paced up and down the room. 'Clearly Mia wants everyone to feel the pain and loss she felt, is feeling. That must be why she's trying to steal the rose of love.'

  'If that's your theory, why did you infiltrate the Thief-Catchers with some cockamayme story?' Ned was annoyed and feeling a little foolish. 'If you'd just come to me in the first place, we could have sorted all this out by now.'

  Joe looked sheepish and dug his foot into the floor. 'I didn't know exactly where she was – what her plan was. I wasn't completely sure she was even after the rose. The thing is a bit of a joke – among the magical community, I mean. Who puts love in a rose?' Ned was nodding in agreement then caught himself and glared at Joe who hurriedly carried on. 'Look, the locator spell works both ways. If I get too close to her she knows where I am and she's a lot stronger than me.'

  Jenni was chewing idly on a brass candle stick holder and nodding. 'Yeah. S'probably the jilt what done it. Powerful boost to magics is deep emotional pain.'

  'Does she know you're here? In this building?' Ned wondered if they were safe.

  'I'm not sure, to be honest. But more than likely, yes. Although, she knows I'm not much of a threat to her, magically speaking.'

  Ned did not feel remotely comforted. 'Let me make sure I've got all the facts. You broke her heart.' He pointed a finger at Brogan, then swung it over to Joe who flinched at its attention. 'She ran here, you followed whilst doing your best to keep as far away as possible. How did you even know she was going to steal the roses?'

  'I didn't, I swear. I joined up with you figuring that you'd be the first organisation to hear of anything out of the ordinary. I just wanted to keep an eye on her. I didn't know she was going to try and overthrow the Emperor.'

  'She's done what?' Neeps looked appalled. She was a staunch imperialist.

  'The Emperor is fine.' Ned reassured her whilst Neeps whispered may he live for ever and ever under her breath. 'I
spoke with her, er, him today. Yesterday. Recently.' He scratched his head. 'What day is it today?'

  Everyone ignored him. Brogan looked thoroughly nonplussed, as if he had absolutely no idea what was going on. Which to be fair, he didn't.

  'I don't understand. Mia is pretending to be a man?' Brogan asked.

  'What it is, right, is this. Basically, she fawt 'e had the power but she didn't know 'e was a 'er and then fings got slippy when they all buggered off into their wing and now she's got nuffink, not even the 'ighs but she's still pretending to be 'im. Obvs she found out about the roses and her 'art is bleedin' and whatnot so she must have took to stealing them for fun, mebbe, not knowing it was red for luv – which is bloody ridiculous 'sidering – anyway now she knows, she's done away with 'im, but not really cos we knows she's 'im and 'e's safe so there's nuffink to stop 'er from getting the red 'cept they've got it 'ere and no-one but us knows – right? S'easy really.' Jenni leant back with an air of pride at being able to succinctly explain everything in one breath.

  No-one spoke. Ned could actually see the cogs of Brogan's mind turning, his hamster running at full pelt. This could take a while. He decided to change the subject.

  'Why was Mia stealing the other roses in the first place? Surely she must have known that the red one was the enchanted one.'

  'I don't know.' Joe sounded a little frantic. 'Probably because she heard the Emperor loved his rose garden more than his wives.' Joe shrugged as if this was the last of their worries. 'She stole the most beloved swines from the last town she passed through. The bacon was excellent.'

  'Can we please say the honorific correctly? He deserves our respect, don't you think? For ever and ever? It's not difficult, is it?' Neeps' eyes were bugging as she circled the edge of hysteria.

  'Well, whatever the reasons behind it at least we've stopped her for now.' Ned gestured at the rose on the table. 'It's warded here, right? Right?'

  Joe was decidedly intent on the far corner on the room, whilst Neeps looked at the rose, at Joe and back at Ned. 'No-one knows it's here though do they?' Her voice sounded shrill. 'I mean, it'd be the last place they'd look, right?'

  There was a loud hammering, on the front door.

  'Palace Guard – open up.'

  Chapter 16

  'You had to say it didn't you, Neeps? Jenni – if you please?' Ned spoke in low, urgent tones so as not to alert the guards that underhand things were afoot. Palace Guards were mostly idiots but every now and then someone who could think joined up and made everyone's life a misery. As long as it wasn't Geoff at the door they'd be fine.

  Jenni touched the pot with the rose in it and it disappeared. Brogan whistled in appreciation. 'I could use a gift like that.'

  'I'm sure you could, but for now let's try and pretend we are all innocently meeting up for innocent conversation about innocent topics.' Ned said, looking at the people in the room. Brogan radiated insolent charm and cracked his knuckles cheerfully. Joe looked pale but resolute, he came to stand with Neeps. She was as white as a ghost. Lovely. Absolutely no guilty consciences on show here, then. The door banged again.

  'Open up!'

  Ned took charge, again. Someone had to. He opened the door. 'Geoff, how are you?'

  'Spinks – already here? Something fishy going on is there?' Geoff tried to look past Ned, to see who or what else was hiding.

  'How do you mean?' Ned tried radiating innocence. It was worth a shot.

  Geoff sneered. 'That Neeps. She was at the murder scene, wasn't she? And at the Druids'

  Grove. She has access in and out of the Palace. It's clear she's the Rose-Thief. By the power vested in me by the Emperor – may he live for ever and ever – we're here to arrest her. It's okay if she resists.' Geoff eased his sword out of its scabbard.

  'I thought those were supposed to be ceremonial.' Ned was beginning to worry.

  'I can make it very artistic.' Geoff said. 'I've been practising.'

  A figure peeked out from behind Geoff and gave a small wave. It was the guard from earlier, the one who had bought Ned's if you don't catch the thief you'll hang message. Difficult face to forget.

  'Fred!' Geoff snapped at him. 'Don't engage with the suspects.'

  'So I'm a suspect now, am I?' Ned tried to play for time. 'How do you know I wasn't following my own line of enquiry? After all, a clever man like you made some interesting deductions.' Geoff's chest swelled in pride. 'Pity they're all wrong, but that's what comes when puffed up bits of toy soldier try to do a real job. You're not a thief-catcher. You'll never be a thief-catcher. Now go back to the Palace and guard an empty piece of wall. There's nothing here for you.' It was a gamble, Ned didn't want to annoy Geoff but at the same time he knew that they knew they shouldn't really be here and that they were stepping on the jurisdictional toes of Thief-Catcher territory. The reason everything worked so well in Roshaven was because everyone had their own little piece of pie and fiercely protected it. If you tried to steal someone else's you might find your own taken from underneath you, much better to hold to your own stuff with an iron grip. Fred began tugging on Geoff's sleeve urgently.

  'He's right Geoff – we shouldn't be here. We don't have jurisdiction.' He looked apologetically at Ned. 'I'm only here because our Brian is still under the weather.'

  Ned nodded in sympathy and started to close the door. He thought he'd convinced them but the door juddered to a stop. Geoff's boot was in the way.

  'No, I don't think so, Spinks. We're coming in, imperial order.' And Geoff pushed past him into the house. Fred followed, mouthing sorry at Ned.

  Everyone was still in the room. There was no sign of the rose, just the merest hint of perfume in the air, but when Geoff saw Brogan he turned pale and backed away, stammering apologies.

  'Sorry, everything seems to be in order. Nothing to worry about, sorry. Routine checks you understand. Sorry.' He tried to back out of the room but in his haste he tripped over Fred who was blocking his way and knocked him down. Being on the floor didn't stop Geoff. He resorted to crawling on his hands and knees, backwards down the hallway. It wasn't until he reached the door that he finally stood up and ran out the door. Ned offered Fred a hand and pulled him up.

  'Thanks,' said Fred. 'I'd better go see if Geoff is alright. The new Emperor - may he live for ever and ever - chose him specifically for this task.'

  'How do you mean, Fred?' Ned was instantly suspicious.

  'Well, he's different now. The Emperor, I mean. Crueller. Harder. I'm guessing there was a Coo. One of his sons or something. I mean it's still imperial blood right and we've still got one so that's okay. Isn't it? I haven't told anyone. Well, except you, just now. But you won't say anything will you? Until it's been properly announced. I'm sure it will be. You think so don't you?'

  'Alright, take a breath Fred. Best keep it to yourself for now, eh? What exactly did the new Emperor say to Geoff?' asked Ned.

  'Thanks.' Fred breathed a huge breath in and exhaled noisily. 'I don't know what he said. He just called us all into the third best reception room. I've not been in there before, it's quite nice.'

  'And?'

  'Oh yes, well, we was all lined up and I thought oh gawd it's an inspection and I haven't polished me breastplate and me plume is crooked. It takes a lot of polish you see and we have to buy our own and I've been helping out me mam look after our Brian. On account of him not being well.'

  Ned tried hard not to show his frustration but he could feel his patience running short. 'Then what happened?'

  'The Emperor, may he live for ever and ever, walked up and down our row. He stopped to look at a few of us, not me thank goodness, on account of me breastplate. But he looked at Geoff for a long time and then pressed a finger to his head. We all thought it was odd. The Emperor never touches us. I mean, we usually never, ever see him. Geoff said afterwards it was like being chosen for a higher purpose, he said he was filled with the secrets of the universe but we all thought he was being daft. Do you think he was filled? Is it catching?'


  Ned reassured Fred and walked him out of the building. Feeling relieved the guard trotted off back to the Palace. Geoff was probably already back and if he was lucky there might be a couple of chocolate digestives left from the night shift.

  Back inside, Neeps had turned on Brogan. 'He certainly seemed to know you.' She was talking shrilly, spots of red in her cheeks.

  'Never seen him before in my life,' replied Brogan cheerfully. 'Probably just my reputation. It's pretty big you know.'

  'It wasn't that. Joe's sister did something to Geoff.' Everyone turned to look at Ned. 'She obviously knows that you'd try and do something so she's made some early warning systems. You can bet your life she knows Brogan is here. I think we need to speed up our plan. What is the plan?'

  'Well,' Joe flushed. 'Me and Neeps were going to have a brew and maybe a packet of those special jammy ones, sit down and talk about it. Then you came in. Then Brogan. Then the guards. And the rose appears to be gone. So maybe it isn't our problem anymore and we can just have the brew?'

  Jenni clicked her fingers and the rose reappeared on the table. She looked at Joe in disgust. 'Can't you even see a glamour? It were right in front of yor face. It weren't even a decent one.'

  Joe shrugged as Neeps placed a plate of biscuits on the table. No jammies.

  'Will Mia see you?' Ned turned to look at the human mountain tucking into five biscuits at once. He was oblivious to everything else. People in his line of work didn't often get to sit down for tea and biscuits. He was secretly hoping there might be some cucumber sandwiches, crusts cut off, and a slice of juicy fruit cake. A barbarian can only live in hope. Brogan finally realised everyone was looking at him.

  'What?' Crumbs sprayed everywhere.

  'Will Mia see you?' Ned repeated.

  Brogan shrugged. 'Depends.'

  'On?'

  'What kind of mood she's in.' Brogan smiled wistfully. 'Love or kill. It's what I like about her.'