by Claire Buss
'Found her, I think.'
'She's gotta find 'er luv Boss, then we can start spreading it out. Shouldn't take long. S'natural emotion.'
The two of them started digging through the pile to find the Upper Circle and a sour smell began wafting upwards. Clearly the Upper Circle had not bothered to wash since the results of her hangover.
'Jenni?'
'Yes, Boss.' She waved an arm and a bathtub filled with hot water appeared by the fireplace. The two of them dragged the Upper Circle out of her nest. She appeared to be catatonic.
'Er, I think you'd better do this bit Jenni. You know, propriety and all that.' Ned's ears were turning pink.
Jenni grinned and shooed him away. Ned turned his back and went over to where Brogan was sitting talking to one of the Highs. He seemed to be having some kind of effect, the High was at least looking at him. As he grew closer he could hear Brogan talking about his love for Mia. There was a pause and haltingly the High began to speak.
'Her name is Molly. Everyone said she would never make it. I rescued her, you know? She likes to sleep in my bed. On my pillow. Her tail makes me sneeze.' Slowly the colour started to come back in the High's face – not that there was much to begin with, but it went from the grey-white of someone near death to the sallowness of someone who spends all their time inside. His eyes became brighter and he looked more awake and alert. Taking in the scene around the room he stood up hurriedly. 'Where's Left?'
'Right,' said Ned, he had thought so. 'Over here, in this chair.'
'He keeps an ant farm.' The High Right bristled under the twin stares from Ned and Brogan. 'We talk about our pets. We do have interests you know.' The High Right stalked away and started talking gently to the High Left. At first there was no difference, but slowly the Left began to respond. Within five minutes his normal off-white colour was back and he was also talking animatedly, hands waving in the air.
'Okay, so now we have to do the rest of the city,' muttered Ned. He had wandered over to the bath-tub to see how Jenni was getting on, forgetting for a moment that the Emperor was naked. He flushed bright red when he saw her bare knees sticking out of the tub. Who knew the Emperor had such beautiful knees? 'I, er, thought I'd come and see how everyone was getting on.'
'She's mostly clean now, Boss, but she still needs to find 'er luv. Why don't you talk to 'er?'
'Me?'
'Yeah. I'll go find Ma Bowl, get that lot going.' Jenni sauntered off gathering up Brogan and the two Highs with her. The door clunked rather loudly as it shut behind them. Ned gulped as the knees disappeared back into the bath suds and a dripping wet, mop top of a head appeared. Thankfully all other pieces were still covered in thick, white, bubbles but to be on the safe side Ned focused on the far corner of the room. He could feel himself blushing hotly.
'Thief-Catcher?'
'Yes, Your er, Eminence?'
'Why am I in a bath? Why are you here? Where is everyone?' She began to cry. 'Why do I feel so sad?'
Ned cleared his throat.
'You stank. I found my love. They're off doing theirs and now you've got to find yours. I think that's everything.'
'I need to get out of here.'
Ned looked round desperately for some help. There was none. Then he spied a big fluffy towel and grabbed it, gratefully holding it out for the Emperor, shutting his eyes tight. There was a wet sucking noise as she stood up. Ned could hear water trickling off her body. He felt rather hot around the collar. She stepped out of the bath and into the towel which Ned automatically wrapped around her. He stood with his arms around her as she leant into him. She smelled much better than before and was delightfully warm. They stayed that way for a few moments until there was a small cough from the doorway. It was a lady-in-waiting with a pile of new clothes. The two of them sprang apart, the Emperor gathering her towel around her as Ned fled for the door, cheeks beetroot.
Outside it looked like everyone was finding their love. There were a lot of happy tears and laughter, life was bleeding back into people and the room. Children began running and screaming, as they often do when extremely happy, and maids began cleaning. Things were getting back to normal.
It was definitely the Emperor who appeared at Ned's right hand.
'Thank you, Thief-Catcher.'
'Er, yes, Your Worshipfulness. It was nothing. Happy to help.' There was a long pause. 'Um, what did I do?'
The Emperor smiled and glided away. Ned's knees felt weak and his heart was racing. Oh no. He didn't have time for that. He had a city to save and a usurper warlock to deal with.
'C'mon Jenni, let's go help the other catchers. This lot can roll out to the streets. We'll meet in the middle.' He strode off, not waiting to see whether she was following him. His ears were burning and he could hear ladies in waiting tittering.
The streets were still quiet and The Noose empty when they got back to HQ, there was no sign of life from the office, but Ned hoped the others had stayed where they had been left. Traipsing up the stairs he thought about how he was going to help Willow, Sparks, and Joe find their love. The office was cold and dark but there was a heap of hair on the floor. As Jenni and Ned entered the hair moved, revealing Willow – her face still puffy from crying. For some reason she had returned from the Druid Grove.
'What are you doing here, love?' Ned was concerned. Had the Druids kicked her out or had she just gravitated back to a place of safety? Willow ignored his question and stared at him with lifeless eyes.
'You came back then,' she said dully. 'Don't know why. Nothing here but misery.' The hair descended back to the floor.
Jenni waggled her fingers at the various lamps and candles in the room. Everything came on at once including a roaring fire in the grate. Ned didn't think there had ever been a fire in the grate before. He decided to ignore the obviously magical aspects as the flames danced in hues of orange, purple, and green. As it became warmer and brighter in the office Joe was revealed to be slumped in a chair in the corner. He appeared to be asleep or possibly dead. He could wait. There was no sign of Sparks, his shelf was empty.
Ned hunkered down to where Willow was lumped on the floor. 'C'mon Wil – you've got to get up.' There was no response, so he delved in to find an arm and dragged her up to standing. She swayed a little, head bowed, hair still covering her face. Ned gently gathered her into his arms, closed his eyes and began stroking her hair, murmuring to her. Several minutes passed before he noticed the sweet smell of floral perfume in the air. Opening his eyes he saw a sea of green, flowers blooming all over the place and tendrils getting into places they had no right to go. Ned jumped, then yelped and quickly untangled himself.
'I feel better.' Willow whirled in a cloud of green, scattering petals and leaves all over. 'Thanks, Boss.' She leant in and gave Ned a chaste peck on the cheek, then ran to the window and started reacquainting herself with the rooftop mosses and lichen. They needed cheering up too.
Ned thanked his lucky stars for the hair bracelet Willow had given him, it was back to being bright green again and hopefully at full strength. There seemed to be an awful lot of high quality nymphing going on. He turned to regard Joe. His chest was moving so at least he was alive.
'Any ideas Jenni?'
'Yep,' she grinned and popped. A few seconds later she returned with a snivelling Neeps in her arms. She plonked her down on the floor next to Joe.
Ned was surprised. 'What did you get her for?'
'They're a fing ain't they?'
'I don't think so, Jenni.'
'Oh. I'll take 'er back then.'
'Well, maybe it's worth a shot, eh?' Ned felt bad for Jenni.
'Whaddya fink then? Make em hold hands or summink?'
'May as well.' Ned grabbed Joe's arm, extending a limp wrist while Jenni did the same with her human. It was a lot harder than you might think to get two disinterested hands to find each other and then hold fast. 'Might need a little binding.' Jenni nodded and muttered something under her breath then let go of Neeps. The arm sagge
d but the hand held fast. Ned did the same and Joe's hand hung weirdly but stayed clasped tight to Neeps. 'Now, all we need to do is wake them up and get them to express their undying love, for er... each other.'
Jenni apparated two glasses of water and upended them. There were twin gasps and swearwords, a good sign for a couple that might last a long time. Joe and Neeps looked at each other.
'You're alive, I thought, I thought...' Neeps used her free hand to tenderly move a stray hair away from Joe's face. 'Are you okay? I tried to find you but it was so hard to think or move. I'm so sorry. What happened?'
Joe seemed unmoved. He stared disinterestedly at her.
Neeps was still on her own personal love high, laughing and crying at the same time. 'I'm okay, it's okay.' She looked up at Ned and Jenni. 'They took me to the Palace and left me in a side room. I didn't know what was happening or where any of you were. I just knew I was so miserable I couldn't do anything.' She breathed in deeply.
'You might want to release their hands Jenni, they'll probably need them before long.' He frowned at Joe who was still unresponsive, then turned to regard Willow's lushness hanging out the window. She was trailing vines. He nudged one with his foot until it was touching Joe's leg. Colour seemed to bleed back into him and the life sparked in his eyes once more.
Ned smiled to himself. 'Thought so,' he murmured.
Jenni had been watching and nodded in approval. Willow turned from the window and squealed at seeing Joe back to his old self. She darted to his side and pointedly ignored the sour look on Neeps face. Joe was looking from one to the other, his Adam's apple bobbing alarmingly again. Ned decided to leave him to it.
'What about Sparks?' He tugged Jenni's coat arm. 'Any sign?'
Jenni looked at the still empty shelf. She had no idea where the little bug might be. They ran on light and happiness, so if all the happiness had been sucked away perhaps they had to wait for it to return to normal before the light bugs came back. 'We should get out there, Boss, 'elp the others.'
Ned hauled Joe up from the floor, bringing Willow with him. 'Right you two, er three.' Neeps had bounced up to stand unbelievably close to Joe. 'We need to get out into the city and spread the love. Sounds hokey, I know, but in order for the Great Sadness to clear we've got to help everyone find their love.' They all stared at him. 'Look, I don't know how it works, it just does alright, so get out there and get it done.'
Chapter 22
Ned put Joe and Neeps on her street, the one that included The Daily Blag and any people working at the paper or rather anyone who had sunk into sadness whilst at work. Once done there, they were to start on the next street and keep going door to door making sure everyone they sorted out began doing the same. That way it would not take long to sort the city out. Ned and Jenni went back to the Druid Grove, he felt he owed that nun for doing what she could at such a difficult time. Besides he didn't particularly like any of his neighbours – they could wait for the general happiness sweep. Willow had rushed off to her orchard and thinking about how vibrant and ripe she was right now, Ned was fairly certain that anyone who looked at her would be cured. She positively radiated...well, something that most young men and er... women took as love. He stomped along, thinking back to what had happened with the Upper Circle or the Emperor or whoever the hell she was. They hadn't spoken at all, he had hugged her. Someone must have already helped her to find her love and she had taken a long time to recover. Yes, that was it. Delicate or something.
They arrived at the Druid Grove and it was still dark and quiet. They tried to find their way back to the room where they had seen all the sad cases but became a little muddled and ended up in the kitchens. There were some freshly baked honey cakes and cheese twists on the table. Ned's tummy rumbled loudly - he felt like he hadn't eaten in forever. There was a pitcher of milk as well. He gave in and sat down pouring himself a tumbler and stuffing several honey cakes in his mouth.
'What?' he muttered at a glare from Jenni, spraying crumbs everywhere. 'I'm starving.' He downed the milk and grabbed another handful of honey cakes to eat on the way, putting a handful of cheese twists in his pockets. Who knew how long it would be before he would get another meal? They wandered around a little more and then saw some flickering candle light ahead. Pushing the doors open they found the Druids and the nun. She was slumped in a corner, chin on hand, staring off into space. It looked like the sadness had finally claimed her. Jenni gestured for Ned to start helping people and he glared back, he still didn't understand exactly what it was he was supposed to do. He accidentally touched the foot of one of the young women laying nearby, she stirred and stretched becoming animated again. Blinking, she looked around in concern, 'What's happened?'
'It's a Great Sadness, 'e saved ya,' replied Jenni.
'But I didn't do anything,' muttered Ned to Jenni under his breath.
'Just lay 'ands, Boss.'
'Lay hands?'
'Yeah – touch 'em. Like you just did.'
'Okay Jenni, I'll touch them.' Ned shook his head and walked down one side of the room, hand out to the side, sweeping across the various bare feet that were poking out. As he walked by, each foot stirred, its owner waking up and realising they still had love in their hearts. Ned stepped back and stared in disbelief. How could his touch be having such a big effect? Jenni dragged him over to the other side, making him touch Sister Eustacia's hand as he passed. She came to with a beaming smile and a bustle and instantly began mothering the young Druids who were waking up confused, hungry and in some cases naked. It's a Druid thing.
Ned marched down the other side of the room, hand out, touching feet as he went. Thank goodness Druids didn't wear shoes indoors otherwise it might have been a little awkward trying to find bare skin. The Druids all stirred and came to.
'How is this possible Jenni? Are the others doing it like this?' asked Ned, a tinge of doubt in his voice.
'Naw, just you, Boss.' Jenni was grinning from ear to ear. 'You're in luv.'
'Love,' Ned spluttered. 'Love?' He began laughing a touch hysterically. 'You're way off there Jenni. Love – ha!' But when she had told him what she thought, the first thing that popped into his head was the Upper Circle in his arms and the unexpected tender feelings that had awakened within him.
They left Sister Eustacia in charge, she could sort out the doctrine issues later. To be honest druidry was not massively popular and now that their High Priestess had been brutally murdered, it could be time to try out a new religion for a change. They could still dance naked in the moonlight, nothing but your own shame stops you from doing that.
As they walked, Ned felt peculiar emotions surging within him. He hadn't felt like this for... he hadn't felt this way since... he hadn't – he didn't bloody know how he felt except for confused as heck. All he knew was that whatever was happening to him seemed to be getting stronger and stronger. As he walked along people recovered, the Great Sadness seemed to be literally melting away.
'Is this all me?'
'Some, Boss,' replied Jenni. 'Collective power is at work n'all. The more luv there is right, the more it grows. S'powerful really.'
'Right, let's head back to HQ. I need a drink.'
The Noose was rocking. Literally. There were so many people inside getting roaring drunk, singing and carousing that they were moving the wonky floorboards. Even Reg had a smile on his face and whilst he wasn't exactly singing he was certainly humming enthusiastically along. A pity he was about five songs behind everyone else but no-one seemed to have noticed. Ned and Jenni pushed and shoved and squeezed their way to the stairwell, which was full of lazy revellers. You get them in every pub. They want to go out with their mates for a drink but all they really want to do is sit down somewhere that isn't home, with a beverage that isn't tea, and company that isn't their wife. You could do a roaring trade if you opened up front rooms for hire.
Ned couldn't be bothered with niceties anymore. He walked up the stairs, ignoring the various body parts he stepped on. Nothing pop
ped or snapped so he figured he hadn't done any lasting damage and by the time he had made it to the top of the stairs, the lazy loungers at the bottom had forgotten they had been walked all over. Story of their life.
The office was quiet except for a well known hum. It was Sparks – he was back, brighter and zippier than ever.
'Where you been, Sparks?' asked Ned, then he shook his head. 'Never mind, I can't be bothered to gear up. Go tell Jenni.'
There was a brief pause as Sparks flew dizzying loops around Jenni's head, creating a halo-like effect.
'He says he was 'ere the whole time but we couldn't see 'im cos he lost his light,' she reported.
'Fair enough.' Ned plopped down into the nearest chair and closed his eyes. It felt like a hundred years since he had last had a decent nights' sleep. Idly he began to wonder what the beds felt like in the Palace and whether they did have hot falling rain as well as baths big enough to swim in. He was beginning to enjoy his daydream when Jenni coughed. He sat up abruptly, colouring vividly and was about to shout about something or other when the rest of the catchers returned.
'I think everything's back to normal, Boss.' Willow was glowing radioactively, clearly she was extremely pleased with herself. 'I helped at least seventeen fruit trees pollinate and there will be several brand new blooming flower beds throughout the city in the morning. It's like Spring has gone into overdrive. It feels so, so, alive!'
Joe and Neeps were nodding in tandem. She was holding his hand tightly, her eyes shining in happiness. Joe looked a little pale.
'Right you lot – shift's over. Go home. Take the rest of the day off. Let's recover from all this and then it'll be back to normal.' Ned tried to settle back into his chair for some more daydreaming but everyone stayed where they were. He looked up at them annoyed. 'Didn't you hear me?'
'Erm, what about the usurper, Boss?' asked Jenni.