by Claire Buss
'Yeah – we need to do something about my sister.' Joe tried to look brave. 'Where is Brogan anyway?'
Before Ned could summon the energy to reply, there was a polite knock at the door and Fred, the Palace Guard, poked his head round the door.
'Oh good – you're here. I have a proclamation. And it's from the real one as well.' He came the rest of the way into the room, his plume tickling the ceiling. 'Uh-um. The honourable and rightful Emperor of Roshaven, may he live for ever and ever, has decreed that the Chief Thief-Catcher Ned Spinks may keep his neck from the noose for a period of twenty-four hours for successfully breaking the Great Sadness. However, the Rose-Thief has yet to be brought to justice and thrown down in chains.'
'She won't agree to that,' murmured Joe.
'Ahem,' Fred scowled at the interruption. 'The Emperor, may he live for ever and ever, requests the Chief Thief-Catcher's presence this evening to discuss how justice shall prevail.'
Jenni gave Ned several nudges and winks.
'Ah, that's the end of the message, but I'm to remind you that dinner is served at six and that you don't want to be late unless you mind making Ma Bowl cross and between you and me...'
'Yes, thank you Fred,' replied Ned. 'Please tell the Emperor that I will be seeing her, er him at dinner.'
Fred was looking at Ned with a pleading look on his face.
'Oh, may he live for ever and ever.'
'Great, thank you, Sir. See you later, Sir. Brilliant. Okay.' Fred trailed off as he and his plume made it out of the room and began to re-navigate the stairwell.
'Why do you keep calling the Emperor, may he live for ever and ever, her?' Willow twirled a strand of green hair around her finger, looking up at him through thick lashes, her deep deep green eyes luring him in. Thank the gods for that hair charm.
'None of your beeswax,' retorted Ned. 'How long have I got?'
'Couple of hours, Boss,' replied Jenni.
'Right, I'm going home for a kip. You lot piss off. Back here tomorrow, first light.' He left them to sort themselves out - if they decided to spend the night in the office, that was their problem. He walked without seeing, feet taking him home on auto-pilot, thinking about what was going to happen later. Dinner with the Emperor. Would that mean full state function? Would the Highs be there? Could the Emperor appear at the same time as the Upper Circle? Surely a state dinner would mean all dignitaries so not only Lower Circle and Stalls but all the Guild Heads as well. Would he have to wear his posh uniform? He didn't think anyone actually knew what thief-catcher posh uniform looked like. To be fair no-one probably knew what the everyday thief-catcher uniform looked like either - it was a relaxed dress code, giving them the ability to blend in. As much as a nymph, sprite, and firefly can blend. Realising he had made it home, Ned searched for something to drink, there was some ground something or other left over from Momma K's gift basket. He sniffed it warily and grinned. It was coffee. There was a good chance it had some ground beetle in there as well, but Ned wasn't going to dwell on that.
He got water on the boil then went to find his dress uniform. The boots were so stiff they creaked like mad when he tried to put them on. It was no good, they didn't fit. Too small and he didn't have time to try and widen the fit. His old faithfuls would have to do, a bit of spit and polish would do them the world of good. Pity he didn't have any polish. Ah well, spit clean it was then. He would wait until he had had his coffee. The trousers looked alright, if you could call them trousers. They looked more like skin tight leggings and was that...yes it was, a codpiece. Well, that wasn't happening. Special dinner or no special dinner. Ned looked down at the trousers he was wearing, they were, at best, filthy. He rummaged in his trunk, he was sure he had a fresh pair somewhere. Finding them eventually he pulled them out and remembered the roof chase they had done two months ago and that death defying knee skid. Shame about the missing knees. Feeling thoroughly dispirited he decided against looking at the dress shirt and jacket. Thank the Gods he didn't have to worry about a stupid hat with plumes. No thief-catcher would ever be seen dead in plumes.
Going back to the kitchen, Ned was mulling over whether it was worth washing behind his ears or not when something caught his eye. There was a man hanging from the doorway. He started then realised it wasn't a man, it was a suit of clothes. Dark blue trousers, a crisp white shirt and dark blue waistcoat. It didn't look like thief-catcher clothes. He was going to be Ned. 'Thanks Jenni,' he whispered. Right, where was that tin bath?
Chapter 23
Butterflies flooded Ned's stomach as he walked up to the Palace. He hadn't felt this nervous since... since... since ever. His hands had been shaking so much when he tried to shave he had left it. The last thing he needed was a million little cuts all over his face or even worse those little pieces of tissue that you stuck on them to stop the bleeding then forget to take off. He had washed his hair, after all it was a special occasion and he had been rather grimy. If he was completely honest with himself there had been a funky smell about it. He felt good, he hoped it wasn't going to be a state function, but if it was he would eat and run. No harm, no foul.
Fred was posted at the entrance. He greeted Ned with a smart salute, nearly knocking himself out and grinned hugely as he accompanied Ned to the fourth floor. Ned frowned, he had forgotten about the usurper. Everything fell out of his head when he walked through the double doors. All the wives, children, and maids of various stature lined the walkway from the door to the side room he had seen the Emperor in earlier. No-one said a word but there was a lot of smiling, winking and a few cat calls. Someone pinched his bottom. Ned focused on putting one foot in front of the other. He felt like a prize bull on show.
As he entered the side room, he was surprised by the transformation. Gone were all signs of the drunkenness, the Great Sadness, the bathtub, and the Highs. Instead candles flickered all over the room creating a warm and cosy lighting. Ned could smell the Emperor's spicy, warm perfume with those delicious hints of caramel. He breathed in deeply. She was standing by the fireside, her dark hair hanging down, wearing a simple blue silk dress that perfectly complemented his own attire. She smiled nervously and took half a step towards him. At that moment a servant swept in with glasses of champagne for them both. Ned took them and walked over to the fireplace.
'You look beautiful,' he said, handing her a glass.
'Thank you. So do you. I mean, handsome.'
Ned smiled and drank some bubbles. 'How do you feel?'
'I'm fine now, thank you for everything you did.'
'It was nothing.'
They lapsed into an awkward silence, racking their brains for something to say. The silence stretched on and on - Ned was beginning to think this whole thing was a bad idea when servants swept in again. This time with their first course. They sat wordlessly down at a small table. He looked at the perfect face in-front of him. Her face was heart shaped with beautiful big brown eyes and a faint sprinkling of freckles over her nose. Her mouth was a delicate pink, lips not too large or too small, laughter lines crinkling as she smiled to herself watching him, watching her. He flushed and knocked the salt cellar over.
'Sorry,' he muttered.
'It's alright. This is a bit awkward, isn't it?'
Ned nodded. He inspected the plate in front of him. Ma Bowl had outdone herself. Potato skins loaded with bacon and cheese, artfully arranged on the plate with a splodge of BBQ sauce for dipping. His favourite. Tucking in with gusto he decided to tackle the elephant in the room.
'Why the subterfuge?' he asked thickly, forgetting his manners in hunger.
'Which one?' The Emperor was eating delicately - clearly, she'd never tackled potato skins before.
'Okay, why are you pretending to be the Emperor?'
'I am the Emperor.'
'So why be the Upper Circle?'
She sighed. 'It's restricting to be Emperor all the time. As Upper Circle at least I can force policy through the bureaucratic chain. As Emperor all I ever get are nods and smil
es before everyone goes and does the same as they always have.'
'Why pretend to be a man? Why not just be the Empress and force change?'
The Emperor arched a brow at him. 'It's not as straightforward as it might seem. For instance, would you bow down to a woman?'
'Well, I, er, don't have a preference to be honest.' Ned's ears began to turn pink. 'I don't have much to do with people in high places.'
'I can see.' Ned's plate was empty, BBQ sauce smeared over it and he was licking his fingers in enjoyment. The cutlery lay to the side of his plate untouched. The Emperor smiled and touched her napkin to her lips. Reacting to this signal the servants reappeared and swept the finished plates away from them.
'Not a fan?' Ned was worried, did she not eat?
'I asked Ma Bowl to prepare a meal you would enjoy. After all, I invited you.'
Ned was beginning to feel like he was under a microscope, being scrutinised, weighed and evaluated. He didn't think he was going to measure up. He decided to change the subject.
'What happened to the er, previous Emperor?' He was about to say real but caught the flash of temper in his dinner partners' eyes and swiftly changed his mind.
'My father? He passed away peacefully. He had been ill for a long time, I had been covering for him so it was natural that I continued.'
'Are there no other heirs?'
'He had all his sons killed at birth.'
'How very... imperial of him.' Ned didn't know what to say, he had heard the rumours of course but to have it confirmed, and so calmly, by a survivor was surprising.
'All Roshaven's Emperors choose one heir to succeed them. Any others are deemed superfluous. Luckily, I was chosen.'
'So who are all the other children I saw running around?' Ned was curious.
'My father tired of his wives quickly. They were free to dally and procreate once he'd moved on. He was a kind man.'
Ned snorted. 'Apart from the filicide.'
'Yes, well. We all have difficult roles to play.' The Emperor replied crisply.
Another uncomfortable silence fell as the servants bought the next course. Pie and mash with thick gravy. Ned felt like he had died and gone to heaven. The Emperor looked at the carb stack in front of her and swallowed. 'Where are the vegetables?'
'Depends on the pie. Let's have a look.' Ned cut into the golden pastry, releasing a plume of steam and the delicious aroma of steak and kidney. 'Sorry your 'Ness. Meat pie, no veggies.' He was grinning, somehow he had started to enjoy himself. He piled his fork high and began eating. The Emperor watched him, amusement dancing in her eyes before she too tucked in. This was different to her usual fare and she liked it.
'So, what's your name?' Ned asked.
'I'm sorry?'
'You know mine. I can't call you Emperoness all the time. Can I?'
She smiled. 'I think it's my turn for questions. Why thief-catching?'
Ned shrugged. 'I've got a nose for trouble. Not causing it, finding it. I tried lots of other things but kept finding the dishonest apprentice or discovering defective goods sold at a premium. It was fate. I worked the night shift for a long time before my predecessor met with his end.'
'That wasn't my fault.'
'I never said it was.' Ned waited for an explanation.
'He was rude to the Highs. They executed him before I could step in.'
'He was a knob,' Ned shrugged. 'No love lost.'
The Emperor put her knife and fork down but motioned for Ned to continue. She twirled her wine glass around in her hands, the candle light catching at the crystal making rainbows dance.
'Ever been married?' she asked idly.
'Yes.'
'And?'
'I don't want to talk about it. You?'
She laughed, it was like beautiful music piercing his soul. 'My father tried to find me a suitor before he fell ill, but thankfully he didn't get far. There aren't many suitable candidates for an Emperor.'
'Will you reveal yourself?' asked Ned.
'I don't know. I need to get rid of the imposter first, before the rest of the city finds out.'
'Which is what I'm here for.'
'Partly. Let's have dessert first.' She inclined her head a particular way and the servants came rushing back in to clear the plates.
'How do they see that? Is it magic?'
'Imperial secrets.' She was laughing at him now, eyes dancing, cheeks flushed, lips parted. Ned felt a sudden desire to lean over and kiss her. Dessert stopped him. Ma Bowl had won his stomach forever. Before him, in a delicate chocolate bowl was a slice of her famous tiramisu. It was so delicious she only made it once a year. There had been fights over this legendary dessert and now she had made it for her Emperor. To have with him.
'Oh, my favourite.' The Emperor was delighted.
'Mine too.' They locked eyes and smiled, sharing a moment and for the first time that evening the chasm between them didn't seem so wide. They did not speak as they ate the delicious dessert. After all, you have finally made it through the boring courses to the finale, the thing you only came out to eat in the first place. Who wants to talk through it? Dessert should be savoured and enjoyed to its fullest because that second slice is never as good as the first. Ever.
It didn't take long for it to be over. They both found every single scrap of dessert within their bowls, then Ned threw caution to the wind and lifted the bowl with his hands before taking a large bite. The Emperor giggled, then did the same. The bowls melted quickly and they ended up with chocolatey fingers and mouths.
'If the Highs could see me now.' The Emperor inclined her head again and servants bought warm water and towels for them both.
'Do they know you're you?'
'Yes but they don't know who the Upper Circle is. I have a double who can act for me at state events. She is well protected and compensated.' The Emperor rose and moved over to where two chairs sat closer to the fire, she sat gracefully waiting for Ned to follow.
'I need this imposter gone, Ned.'
'I know.'
'Do you have a plan?'
Ned thought for a moment. 'Brogan.'
'What is a Brogan?'
'He's her love,' Ned explained. 'She sent him to the middle of nowhere with the rose so that love would die. That's what caused the Great Sadness. Jenni took us there so I could get him and bring him back. I lost track of him when we came back here. He was helping others find their love but I'm not sure where he went.'
'You mean the barbarian?'
'Yes, have you've seen him?' asked Ned.
'He's in the dungeon.'
Ned stared at her in disbelief. 'Why?'
'There was a hulking barbarian in my chambers. I wasn't sure why he was here – I'd found out I lov... I mean, I'd been, you'd...'
Ned grinned. 'I'd hugged you.'
'Yes. That's it.' The Emperor's cheeks were rosy. 'Anyway, you ran out of here before I could talk to you about anything and he was mingling with my wives so I panicked. He's been well treated.'
'I bloody hope so, otherwise he might be disinclined to help us.'
'He can be persuaded.'
'You can't persuade love, Empress. It just is.'
They gazed at each other, the flickering flames of the fire dancing in their eyes. He was the first to look away. She turned as if hearing a commotion and Brogan came rumbling into the room.
'Ned!' he boomed. 'Tell her I'm on your side. I want to share the love.'
'It's okay Brogan, you're free to go.' Ned reassured him. 'Well, you're not actually free to go, I need you to help me sort out Mia but other than that you are a free man.'
'I love her, you know?'
'I know you do, pal I know you do.'
'So what exactly is your plan, Thief-Catcher?' The Emperor was gone, the Upper Circle sat next to Ned. He had been so distracted with Brogan's entrance that he hadn't noticed her put her enormous headdress on. To be honest, he hadn't even noticed it was anywhere in the room. Had she used magic? He knew the Upper Circle ha
d some power, she was a truth-catcher after all. But as the Emperor she couldn't use it in public. Emperors were not allowed to be magical. He decided not to dwell on it right now, he had had enough things he couldn't explain happen today. A headache loomed behind his eyes.
'Brogan, if I provide magical cover, do you think you could convince Mia to stand down?' Ned asked.
'I love her.'
'I know you do, the question is does she love you back?'
'She sent me away but I know she didn't mean it. If I could just talk to her,' pleaded Brogan. 'I love her so much.'
It was like trying to talk to a broken record, and not a good one at that.
'Let's hope he manages to wear her down with his undying love and not whip her into a greater fury.' The Upper Circle looked at Ned with eyes full to the brim with unspoken emotion. 'Is there anything more I can do?'
He wanted to say yes. He wanted to ask her to throw down these disguises and run away with him to some secluded bedroom where they could properly get to know each other. He fought down the urge to kiss her passionately. What had been in that dessert? Mentally shaking himself, he spoke rather hoarsely. 'Is she still in the throne room?'
The Upper Circle let out a small sigh of disappointment before nodding. Ned half bowed to her and pulled Brogan along with him, out of the room.
'Pull yourself together man,' Ned snapped. 'She wants a hero, not a snivelling wreck.'
Brogan blew his nose loudly on some unidentifiable piece of fabric which vanished back into his breastplates. He buffed his armour as well as he could striding along and used wet fingers to muss his hair the way she liked it. 'Be honest, Ned, do I smell?' he asked.
'Singularly. But we don't have time to deal with that. Hopefully she likes overripe barbarian.'
Leaving the fourth floor felt like ripping a plaster off his most tender parts. All Ned wanted to do was run back to his Emperor and declare his passionate love. As they pushed the doors open, an unidentifiable maid grabbed Ned's arm and slipped a piece of paper into his hand. He looked down in surprise. The paper smelled of her and in beautiful script were the following words – My name is Fourteen. Ned's heart ached, that wasn't a name. It was a number, her heir number. Which meant thirteen brothers and sisters were murdered before her and countless others removed after her. He tried to push his compassion aside and focus on the task ahead, he needed a clear head. He was there to provide magical protection for Brogan against a warlock whom, so far had been unstoppable. He felt his power wells, they weren't bad but he didn't have any extra juice. Then he spotted a familiar face lurking between two statues.