That's a Lie

by Victoria Klahr

  “I need to tell you everything. Everything that I’ve been hiding from you and everyone else. I can’t keep any more secrets, Seth,” I say into his chest, feeling comforted and happy about what he just told me. Those last words he said to me stabbed me in a way no other person had ever been able to, and I have nightmares of that scene on repeat. He pulls back slightly and brings his hand to my face, tracing my jaw gently.

  “You can tell me anything, Pussy Cat.” I get comfortable in the crook of his arm and I lay on my side, looking at him while I tell him what’s been going on since he left.

  “When you left, I was so depressed. I was cranky and moody and sad.” He has a smirk on his face, so I shove his shoulder.

  “What?” he asks with a chuckle. “Just not that hard not to picture you cranky and moody… that’s all. Continue…” I let out a light laugh, grateful for the reprieve from the thick emotions that are in the air.

  “Anyway, Blake was there for me.” Seth’s hand pauses briefly from its pattern of playing with my hair, but it doesn’t take long before he’s twirling it again in his fingers. “We got closer than we were before. He was with me when I picked out this apartment and he stayed here sometimes.” I see Seth roll his eyes, but he doesn’t stop me from talking. “Well a year ago, I thought things were great. We were happy. But then there was a day when I found out the truth, and I realized how fake my whole relationship had been. Alice, that girl that Blake’s family knows, came to Rick’s Café where I was meeting Blake, and she told me everything. Blake came in and that’s when I told him I knew, and I never wanted to see him again.

  “The truth hit me so hard. I felt like I had no one. But the issues didn’t stop there. The day before that fight… I found out that I was pregnant,” I admit, swallowing the lump in my throat. Seth pulls his hand away, and stares at me in shock. His sexy mouth is slightly open and his eyes are wide. “I couldn’t do it… I couldn’t keep the baby, Seth. After a couple weeks, I went and got an abortion. And before you start judging me-,”

  “No, Josie,” he interrupts pulling me back to him. “You don’t owe me any explanation for that. I completely get it. How could you keep a baby that comes from the same blood as your rapist? You probably would’ve resented it.”

  He gets me. No one has ever understood me like him. I smile sadly at him, and nod my head.

  “Yeah, that’s exactly how I felt. I couldn’t do it. I resented it already and I was only a few weeks pregnant. Anyway, Daddy was the only one who knew about that… Blake came back on the day of Daddy’s funeral. He asked me to give him the week to show me that he still loved me, that he always did. Eventually I agreed. All week I let him back in my life, and let him take over. I wanted to feel that sense of being loved again, so I let myself be loved. Towards the end of the week, we talked about all our issues and he explained why he never told me. I don’t agree with what he did, but I forgave him for lying to me. I was ready to move on.”

  “It’s not okay, Josie. What he did was not okay… He didn’t deserve your forgiveness,” Seth says, clenching his jaw. I reach my hand out, wanting to comfort the ire I see rising in him. I touch his jaw lightly, the first time I’ve been this close to him in so long, and I feel an overwhelming sense of desire. I am so freaking mad at myself for what I’m feeling, but mostly I’m so scared.

  “Well, either way, I did forgive him. I was so willing to make everything better… but then I knew I had to tell him about the abortion. Through that time with him, I realized that I needed to come clean, and I did. I knew he would see me differently, but I didn’t expect him to walk away from me for good. He said it’s just not something he can forgive, and he couldn’t believe how wrong he was about me.” I don’t need to get into the other awful things he said, because that’s a burden only I need to hold. The past few weeks I’ve sat and reflected back on my choice, wondering if Blake was right in saying that it was selfish of me. I still haven’t decided. “I was devastated, but I’m okay now. He couldn’t handle it, and couldn’t accept me.”

  “Pussy Cat, that is a complete reflection on his awful character and shows just how perfect you are. I will never forgive him, but you’re too much of a good person. You shouldn’t ever waste your love on him ever again.”

  “I’m okay… I feel like it all needed to happen so I could see that he really wasn’t who I thought he was and so I could move on. He promised me over and over and over again that he would never let me go. He promised nothing could ever make him walk away, but he kept leaving.”

  “That’s why you’re so scared I’ll leave…,” he says quietly, continuing to stroke my hair. “I’ll make it up to you. You never have to doubt me.”

  Chapter 6

  Seth

  When I was about twelve years old, I remember having a talk with my dad about girls.

  He tried to explain to me that there would come a point in life when I would realize that a certain girl in my life would be the one I would want to spend the rest of my life with. He never specified if it was someone I already knew or someone I would meet, but he was sure that I would meet someone. He said that I needed to fight every single day for her. Every single argument, accomplishment, or event is an opportunity for me to show her that I love her. He made me promise that when I get to that point in my life, I would always keep trying and never let anything petty get in the way of proving to her that I will always be there for her to love and comfort.

  I mean… I was twelve years old. All I was thinking about was the girls in my mom’s magazines that were showing cleavage and their bare legs, because they made my dick hard. I wasn’t thinking about finding a girl to spend the rest of my life with… or love. I never thought I would ever want to give up being able screw as many girls as I wanted just so I could be with one girl for the rest of my life. That had always sounded like a bullshit life that would be boring.

  Until Josie danced with me that night, four years ago.

  It never escaped my conscious that Josie has always been gorgeous. I’ve known since we were teenagers, when I learned to appreciate the female body. I just didn’t realize how her sexiness affected me until that night. I wrapped my arms around her tiny dancer-like body, and everything shifted. I had been hoping for a moment to touch her like that for a while, but I never expected the thrill it sent through me when I finally held her. Her familiar scent of brown sugar and vanilla became a smell I felt I couldn’t live without for another second. I breathed her in, feeling needy for the air that emanated around her. Everything changed.

  I had one arm wrapped around her stomach, unable to get my fill of her being close to me. The slightest touch of my fingertips grazed her skin and I thought I might pass out when I saw the goose bumps spread against her smooth skin. I closed my eyes, breathing roughly, and just savored every second touching her. I couldn’t help but pull her closer to me, and I almost came in my pants when she let out the most sensual moan I had ever heard as she leaned her head against my shoulder. I swallowed hard, not really understanding where that feeling of need and hunger had come from or why it was so strong.

  I cherished every second that I held her, sure that it would end at any moment. When she turned around and faced me, I thought my heart might jump out of my chest. She reached up and pushed my hair out of my eyes, a whisper of my name coming out of her mouth. I had never in my life been so affected by someone touching me like that or saying my name like that. I leaned my forehead against hers, and closed my eyes.

  The images that assaulted my thoughts are what made me step away.

  The sight of someone I loved being attacked is something that still haunts my dreams. At our graduation party, I glanced out the back entrance to see if I could find her, and I found her tiny body scraping against the asphalt as Michael pounded into her. My Josie, my best friend, was laying there barely hanging on to life while some brute choked her and raped her. He was so rough, so hard with her, and Josie was so weak and fragile. She jerked with each motion that he made, ch
oking as his hand blocked her breathing. I will never be able to get rid of that sight. Even after I beat the shit out of the man until he was unconscious, I still couldn’t banish the anger and sorrow as I looked at my best friend’s body, limp against the rough ground.

  She was covered in throw up, and she was completely exposed because of her torn dress. Her body was covered in dirt and blood, scrapes were on her legs, bruises along her chest and thighs, and her hair was matted to her head from sweat. The blood, though- that blood, stained against the skin between her thighs, sparked a vengeance and fire within me like I had never felt.

  After I called for an ambulance, I kneeled down next to her and held her in my arms, rocking her and begging her to wake up. She wasn’t moving and I couldn’t hear any breathing. I used my finger to make sure that all of the vomit had gotten out of her mouth, but I still couldn’t hear any breathing when it was clear. Tears of anger and sorrow started streaming down my face as I rocked her. I don’t cry, but I couldn’t stop the grief as I held her.

  “Please wake up, Josie,” I begged her, and in between sobs I pleaded, “Please, please, please, don’t leave me... I need you… I need you to wake up…. I’m so sorry, Josie… I promise I won’t ever let anything bad happen again, just wake up…. Wake up, dammit!”

  I didn’t protect her. I was supposed to be there for her, and I wasn’t. I can never forgive myself for that. She was more than my best friend. She was my other half, someone I couldn’t live without. Her limp tiny body in my thick arms made me feel a paralyzing and devastating sorrow. I thought I would explode from the crushing guilt and sadness. I needed her. I couldn’t lose her. I stroked her hair, continuing to plead for her to wake up. I begged any deity to take my soul, my life, in exchange for her to live. I wanted to take the pain away and I couldn’t. I couldn’t do fucking anything. I was useless.

  When the ambulance pulled up, I couldn’t bear to give her up and trust her with someone else. The male EMT explained that he needed me to let go, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let her go, and I grabbed onto her harder.

  “Seth, you have to let him take her,” Will, Josie’s dad, said to me with tears in his eyes. I looked up at him, shaking my head.

  “I can’t,” I said, whimpering as I spoke. “I can’t let her go again. What if she’s not ok? What if they hurt her?” I couldn’t stop crying, and my heart felt like it had broken into a million pieces. “I won’t let you go. I’m here, Josie. Please wake up,” I whispered to Josie, flaccid in my grip.

  “They’ll save her, son. You have to give her to them,” Will said crouching down next to me. A female EMT came over and knelt down too.

  “You can come in the ambulance if you want, but I need to take her now. I’ll take personal care of her,” she assured me firmly. I felt better knowing there was a woman there to help protect her. I thought for a minute, and then relented to their request, helping them put her on the stretcher they brought out.

  I was in a daze, in a whole other world as everyone hustled to save her. I was in shock. I didn’t leave her side the whole time they had her. I had to be taken away forcefully when she got to the hospital. Nothing was okay until they were able to get Josie to wake. Nothing in this world would ever be okay if Josie didn’t wake up. When she finally did, I fell to the ground and let out every emotion that I felt. I would do anything to make sure that Josie never had to go through something that painful ever again.

  So when I had Josie wrapped in my arms while dancing, feeling my yearning expand with every second, I felt the guilt of that night pull me away. When I closed my eyes, I saw her almost dead in my arms, unable to save her, and I knew I couldn’t let myself have her. She deserved so much better than me. I thought she was mad that I had tried to take things further than just a friendship- afraid I scared her because she could only think of the last time a man touched her.

  But then she told me she wanted me. She wanted to feel how I loved her. She wanted me to touch her just as much as I wanted to touch her. And when our lips finally connected, I was lost to the world that was Josie. She became my world that night, pulling me in with each graze of her soft hands. I was always gentle with her, never wanting to be a reminder of what she had been through, and I loved every stimulating second.

  So as the summer days and nights passed by, I started to understand what my dad was talking about. I understood because every fiber of my being wanted to be with Josie for the rest of my life. As my best friend, teammate, lover, and soul mate. There is no other girl in comparison to her. And of course that scared the shit out of me… still does.

  I always hoped she would fight me on ending the fling. I had never wanted us to consider it a fling, because I wanted to be with her. I wanted to go back to college, call her my girl, and love on her every chance we had. I didn’t want to hide anymore… but it didn’t go as I had planned.

  I sure as hell didn’t expect her to see me getting my cock sucked by some whore I had met that night. When she told me that she had seen it, I knew it was all my fault she wasn’t mine. She shouldn’t have had to see that, especially since I was only doing it to try to get her off my mind.

  I fell in love with her, my best friend, and I felt terrible that I let myself feel that way. She never asked for me to change my feelings, and all I could think about was how she deserved so much better than me- someone who couldn’t save her or protect her, someone who would never make a lot of money doing the thing I love, and someone who she had seen mess around with a lot of girls.

  I’m a piece of shit in comparison to her… but I won’t give up. Because I also know that I’m someone who will go to the ends of the universe to make her happy and feel protected, someone who will worship every part of her soul and body, and someone who will fight for her until the day I die.

  So I fight.

  * * *

  I can’t help the smile that grows on my face as I watch her move.

  She doesn’t know she wakes me up when she does it, but every single time she moves positions in the middle of the night, I wake up. Watching her situate herself while in a daze is quite endearing, especially while she still has her eyes closed and her hair is a big mess. She crawls to the end of the bed, only to throw one leg and arm over the edge, and settles back down onto her stomach. She’s got the other leg thrown on top of mine, and I laugh as I look at her. How can a skinny short girl take up so much space on a bed?

  I carefully reach out my hand and touch her bare leg lightly. I hold my breath, hoping to hide the heavy breathing that started as soon as I had the thought to touch her. She doesn’t move, so I keep my fingers right above her calf, barely grazing her. I trail the skin up to her thigh, applying more pressure as I go. Her skin is so fucking soft, and I want nothing more than to caress her without having to restrain myself. I continue to trace my fingers against her leg, never getting my fill of her. My fingers feel like they are on fire with the tiny friction of my calloused fingers against her silky smooth skin. I get bolder, and trail them a little bit further up her shorts. My cock twitches, and I swallow hard as my heart pounds loudly in my chest.

  Josie’s the only girl who could make me feel like a total bitch as I feel her up. I can make a girl come by barely touching her and still have a hard time getting my cock hard enough to fuck her, and yet Josie is the only one who gets my blood pumping, my heart racing, and makes it so fucking hard to breathe. My fingers graze the crease where her ass hits her thigh, and I close my eyes while I relish the feeling of being so close to touching her most intimate parts. I hear a small moan escape her mouth, and my cock is raging with a full hard on at this point. I know I have to stop, but my self-control is very limited.

  Luckily, my phone chimes with a text message, and it gives me the jolt I need to stop what I’m doing. What the hell am I thinking?

  I grab my phone from my pocket, and take a deep breath. The loss of connection with her is hard on me. It makes me feel like I’ve just severed a piece of my body by forcing myself to disc
onnect from her. I shake my hand, trying to rid myself of the ache, but it won’t go away so I give up. I look at the text to find a message from my mom.

  Mom: When will you be home? Dad says he needs your help.

  I always thought it was funny how she texted with perfect punctuation and grammar. She never understood all of the text “lingo.”

  Me: I’ll be there in fifteen

  If Dad needs me, then I need to be there. I don’t want him doing something stupid and having another heart attack. I slowly start to extract myself from underneath the pretzel position Josie is in, and get out of bed. I stretch and laugh as I hear Josie groan. God, she’s so fucking cute. My phone chimes again.

  Mom: I have breakfast, does Josie want to come over?

  I walk over to Josie, and I can’t decide if I want to wake her up. It’s so tempting to force her to wake up and tell her come over to my house, but I know she’s got things to do today so I kneel down quietly. I kiss her forehead and whisper her name. She stirs and her eyes flutter. Her eyelashes are gorgeous laying against her tanned skin, long and dark. When she opens her eyes, I lose my breath. They’re green today, a dark olive green. The prettiest fucking eyes I’ve ever seen.

  I smile as she smiles at me, slumber still in her eyes. She’s so beautiful it hurts me sometimes. I want to kiss those dry pink lips, and can’t help myself from moving toward her. My lips graze her mouth gently, it’s so soft but invigorating at the same time. She closes her eyes again, and I go in for one last touch. I lick them gently and pull her top lip into my mouth.

  It’s so perfect. Sensual and satisfying. I pull away, and her eyes remain closed, a little smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. That little smile, however cute and small, is all I need to live. It’s exactly what I needed so I would know when it’s time to make her mine.