The Worst Romance Novel Ever Written

by H. M. Mann

  And now he’s back to his morbid self. Geez, what a load he’s been carrying. What do I say to that? It’s so hard not to say anything! Maybe not saying anything and letting him talk is what he needs.

  “I’m sorry to be dumping all this on you,” Johnny said, fighting even more tears. “I mean, we’re all snuggly and warm, and here I am spewing death, destruction, and dysfunction. So much for revealing my character gradually. I’m damaged, Gloria. I hope I’m not beyond repair, but some nights …”

  “I’m glad you told me, Johnny,” Gloria said. “A friend should bear another’s burdens, right?”

  But wait, there’s more! “I have nightmares, Gloria, nightmares in wide screen with Dolby surround sound, all of my dreams starring a man with dots for eyes, and I let him walk right past me every single time. Sometimes I don’t see him at all, and I stand there waiting for hours in my dreams, waiting for him to walk by.” He shook his head rapidly. “I haven’t had as many nightmares since I started working nights and writing until sunrise. I guess I don’t dream as much when the sun is shining on my face. I’ve become practically nocturnal just so I can sleep. Aren’t you a little nocturnal, too?”

  “I don’t think I’m nocturnal,” Gloria said. “I’ve gotten used to it, but I still don’t like it. I can’t wait to become store manager and go back to the day shift. I hate not being there for Angel. What if she calls out to me in the middle of the night? What if she can’t sleep? What if she’s scared and just wants someone to hold her?”

  Johnny blinked. “That child isn’t scared of anything.”

  “That I know of,” Gloria said. “Mama says she sleeps through the night without as much as a burp.”

  “I’d do anything to sleep through the night without hyperventilating or breaking wind of any kind.”

  I have no response to the last part, Gloria thought. Okay, I do. Eww!

  “If you go on day shift, what will your hours be?” Johnny asked.

  “Eight to four.”

  Johnny sighed.

  “Oh yeah,” Gloria said. “You go on at four. When will we see each other?”

  “In passing?”

  Gloria turned around and leaned her back on Johnny’s chest. “You could always come visit me in the wee hours.”

  Johnny draped his arms around Gloria’s stomach. “We’ll eventually break that loveseat. Then instead of your mama, Angel will stumble downstairs one night …”

  That wouldn’t be good. “You could get a day job, right?”

  And dream more? No way. “I don’t know. Maybe. But, say I get a day job. What then?”

  “I could come over here after Angel goes to sleep at eight, we could snuggle up on your new, huge padded sofa …” This floor is entirely too hard. She squeezed his hands. “And I would hold you if you had any nightmares.”

  “I wouldn’t want you to do that. You’re already raising one child.”

  “Well … what about …” Perfect! “I have an idea. Why don’t you move into our basement? With a little work, I know we could turn it into an apartment.”

  Johnny smiled. “Why, Miss Gloria, after our first date, you want me to move in with you?”

  Oh yeah. I said that about his silly novel. Shoot. What did he say when I said that? “You said it could happen.”

  “Well, let’s do some math then, shall we? We’ve only been talking for about four months. Wouldn’t anyone reading our story think we were rushing things?”

  “You really listen to me, don’t you?” And I really like that about him … just not now!

  Johnny let his fingers wander until they found her hands. “You have such interesting things to say.” Johnny frowned. “Which makes what you just said about me moving in with you all the more interesting. Um, I may be wrong, but isn’t shacking up frowned upon in the Bible?”

  “Yes, of course it is,” Gloria said. “But if you’re a, um, tenant in our basement, and you cook every now and then to help pay your rent, we’re technically not shacking up at—”

  “You’d charge me rent,” Johnny interrupted.

  “Of course,” Gloria said.

  “Does Marion charge you rent?” Johnny asked.

  “Of course not,” Gloria said. “I’m family.”

  Sounds fair, but … “I don’t know, Gloria. It all seems too fast.”

  Gloria sighed. “I was just trying to find a way I could see you regularly, you know, at home.”

  It would be my first home, actually. “Let’s say we fixed up your basement and I moved in and paid you, oh, a dollar a day.”

  “You’d have to cook every meal for us at that price,” Gloria said.

  Johnny smiled. “Mouse pancakes for every meal!”

  “That can’t be the only thing you can cook,” Gloria said.

  Johnny shrugged. “It was the only thing IHOP let me cook.” He kissed her nose. “You can teach me. No. Marion can teach me.”

  “Meany,” Gloria said. “So … when are you moving in?”

  I don’t know Gloria well enough, Johnny thought, to know if she’s kidding or not. “Gloria, if I moved in, I would talk your ear off.”

  “And kiss it, too?”

  “But of course,” Johnny said. And probably kiss lots of other parts, too! “I would talk to you all night, and you would never get any sleep, Gloria. I wouldn’t let you sleep, and you’d wake up every morning fussing with your alarm clock.”

  “Unless I fell asleep in your arms.” She looked back. “Like this.”

  My legs are asleep. Johnny turned her completely around and put her hands on his shoulders. “Gloria, I love the idea of seeing you more, I really do. But until Angel gets used to me being your man, and I mean completely accepts me as your man, we have to keep our distance from each other. We need to develop our relationship slowly, remember?”

  Is this the single mother’s lament or what? “I understand, but—”

  “You have thought about that, right?” Johnny interrupted.

  “Yes. It’s why I talked myself out of other relationships.” And before some of them even began. She closed her eyes. “Why did I think this would be any different?”

  “Because it is. You’re looking—open your eyes.”

  Gloria opened her eyes.

  “You’re looking at a man who is falling in love with you.”

  He used the L-word. Don’t panic. Act natural.

  “And although my, um, hundred and twenty day warranty has probably expired,” Johnny continued, “I think I can last a while. I’ll do anything to win Angel’s heart, too.”

  Okay. He only used it once. Still no need to panic. “You look as if you’re about to expire right now.”

  “Yeah. I wish I had a bigger bed.”

  “We can try to spoon in there.”

  Where she’ll rub her booty on me. I won’t sleep at all. Johnny walked like a zombie into the bedroom, mainly because his legs were still half asleep. He dropped face-first onto the bed.

  Gloria curled up under his arm and backed her booty into him. She pulled the sheet over them.

  Johnny was asleep in minutes, his soft purr tickling the hairs on the back of her neck. This, she thought, is bliss. This is warm and safe.

  Unless he moves. She looked over the edge. At least it’s not a long fall to the floor.

  I just wish he hadn’t used the L-word!

  But this feels so good. Having strong arms around me, having huge hands on my stomach—hey now, his hands wander when he sleeps. Do I stop them? My body is saying no.

  Okay, okay, Lord Jesus. She returned Johnny’s hand to her stomach. It wasn’t like he meant to do it, right?

  Gloria stared at the bathroom door, a tiny dresser with two drawers, and another door she assumed led to Johnny’s only closet. She turned her head slightly and saw the writing table with the laptop. She moved his creeping hands down once more.

  Just knowing I’ll be in his arms in the morning because if he lets go I’ll fall out of this bed—priceless. Just knowing
he shared with me some of his deepest, darkest secrets—priceless. He even cried in front of me, and maybe I even helped him over some of his demons by not speaking. Imagine that. I may have helped someone by not giving any advice.

  But if he keeps using the L-word, I’m sunk.

  I have never said that word to anyone in my entire life.

  Johnny’s hand moved upwards again.

  I am not getting any sleep tonight!

  25

  Gloria woke to sunlight streaming on her face, a cramp in her lower back, and a man’s hand firmly attached to her left hip. Except for the cramp, she felt peaceful, light, excited, and—

  “What time is it?” Gloria asked, scooting to the edge of the bed.

  Johnny blinked awake and saw a beautiful woman’s short, dark hair, his hand gripping something soft, warm, and … moving away from him and taking the bed sheet.

  Gloria gathered the sheet around her. “What time is it, Johnny?”

  Johnny squinted and saw that the bed sheet was vaguely Gloria-shaped. He looked at the light coming through his mini-blinds. “About nine.”

  “Nine?” How can he tell?

  The vaguely Gloria-shaped sheet also had Gloria’s voice.

  “I’ll, um, I’ll check the clock in the kitchen.” He rolled out of the bed and went into the kitchen. “Five after nine.”

  Oh no! Angel has been up for two hours! “I gotta go.”

  Johnny rubbed sleep from his eyes and looked at the bed. “We didn’t fall out. How peculiar.”

  Gloria tossed the sheet to Johnny and pulled on her shoes.

  Johnny sniffed the sheet and didn’t find it full of lust. “Gloria, what’s the rush?”

  “Angel has been awake since seven.”

  “On a Saturday?” Angel can’t be human.

  “You could time the sunrise to that child,” Gloria said. “I can’t be bringing her breakfast now. What do I tell her?”

  Johnny threw the sheet onto the bed. And that’s how engineering majors make a bed. “You could tell her the truth.”

  “Right. Yes, Angel, I’ve been snuggling with Johnny all night over at his place.” While his hand danced all over me all night!

  Johnny shrugged, reached in his drawer, pulled out a random sock, and put it on. “You could just tell her I’m your boyfriend.”

  Gloria shook her head. “I can’t tell her that. I know, I’ll tell her I had to go in to work another shift … No. That’s never happened, and she’d have a zillion questions about that. I had to … go to the mall … to do some Christmas shopping.”

  “The malls don’t open this early till after Thanksgiving.”

  “Crap!”

  Johnny found another random sock only a few shades grayer than the first and put it on. “I could go with you.”

  “That would be a bad idea.”

  Gloria is a dream in the morning, Johnny thought. I definitely like her better when she’s asleep and lying next to me. It’s much less complicated. “It’s better than lying to her.”

  True. “Johnny, I want this to work, but now I’ve stayed longer than I should have, and I have the world’s most inquisitive child living under my roof.”

  Johnny sniffed under his arms. Could be worse, could be better … “The more she sees me, the better. I mean, if she starts seeing us together often, she’ll have to make the connection. The three of us could go do something today or even tomorrow before my shift starts.”

  Three on a date? “Where would we go?”

  “The art museum.”

  Been there, hated that. “We’ve already been. Angel said she didn’t get it.”

  Art is like that sometimes. “Okay, the science museum.”

  Gloria groaned. “We actually have a family membership, so we’ve been a couple dozen times.”

  And I’ve never been even once. I’m such a bad citizen. “How about … a movie?”

  “There’s nothing playing that would be real enough for her to enjoy.”

  Johnny smiled. “This is a puzzlement that can only be solved … with a puzzle.”

  “A what?”

  “A puzzle.” He looked on the floor for his shoes. That’s where shoes usually are. Where are they hiding?

  “What kind of puzzle?”

  “Jigsaw,” Johnny said. “Carol Springer used to get me puzzles to keep me out of her way.” Come to think of it, so did my parents. No wonder I became an engineer. “I can go get a puzzle and come over this afternoon.”

  A puzzle won’t solve this puzzle. “She’s too grown up for puzzles.”

  “Is she? Even thousand-piece puzzles that are all one color?”

  What fool company would make those? “They make those?”

  “Sure. Annoying little devils that make your eyes play tricks on you, but …”

  Gloria shook some cobwebs out of her head. “Well, I guess we could try. Just … don’t get her anything fluffy or girly, and anything about ancient Egypt would be a plus.”

  I won’t ask.

  “Johnny, we gotta go!”

  I am not entertaining her. “Should I bring lunch?”

  Gloria shook her head. “It’s soup and sandwich Saturday.”

  “How alliterative.”

  “You won’t be able to stay very long, though. Don’t you have to go to work?” And take a shower? Geez, I need one, too. He made me sweat all night!

  “I’ll stay long enough to get Angel started, maybe help her with the border.”

  “She hates anyone helping her.”

  How did I know she would say that? “Then I’ll just annoy her with my charm,” Johnny said, kissing Gloria on the forehead. “Eww, sorry. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet.”

  “Me neither.”

  “How are we going to kiss then?” He put his hand over his mouth. “Like this?”

  “Johnny. I have to go.”

  Johnny walked into his only closet and came out wearing his shoes and another hoody. I’m magic like that. He then went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth.

  “Johnny, we have to go!”

  Johnny spat into the sink and waved the toothbrush at Gloria.

  Is he kidding? “I am not using your toothbrush.”

  Johnny scratched some stray toothpaste goo from the corner of his mouth. “But we kissed a lot last night, right? We shared some bodily fluids …”

  “Johnny, it’s just gross, okay?”

  Johnny sighed. “At least I can kiss you.”

  “Not on the mouth!”

  Johnny dropped to his knees, pulled up Gloria’s shirt, and kissed her stomach.

  Gloria tried not to laugh. “Please, let’s just go!”

  Johnny shook his head. “The dame couldn’t wait to get here last night, and now she can’t wait to leave.” He kissed her stomach again.

  “Right,” Gloria said. “Now let’s go!”

  They drove in silence for about a block before Gloria said, “Can’t this thing go any faster?”

  “The Vega,” Johnny said, “she is temperamental in the morning.” Like someone else I’m getting to know. “She will go as fast as she can until she warms up.”

  “Well, tell her to move it or lose it!”

  Johnny stepped on the gas pedal. “Moving it.”

  Against Johnny’s protests, Gloria got out two blocks away from her house. “You’re so clandestine,” he said.

  “Just come back around lunchtime.”

  “Okay.” He smiled. “I’ll just back away slowly then? I wish I had a disguise.”

  Gloria growled once, stormed down the pockmarked sidewalk on Melrose, and turned up her nice, neat sidewalk, halting at the bottom of the steps to the porch. Okay. This is how I’ll play it. Mama had some things on her mind, and she just needed to go for a long walk. Mamas do that sometimes to clear their heads. It’s nothing you did. I just needed some me time to get a little thinking done. Yeah. That’ll do it.

  She opened the door and immediately faced Angel.

  “Where’s
Johnny?” Angel asked.

  Gloria blinked rapidly. “Where’s Johnny?”

  “Yeah. Grandma said you were with Johnny.”

  That old woman! “Um, Johnny is probably at his house, baby.” Knowing that Vega, though, he’s probably still in the same spot. She tried to step around Angel, but Angel stepped in her way.

  “Grandma said Johnny came here last night and took you to his house.”

  I hate that old woman! “Mama and Johnny had a … sleepover.” We played “Break the Futon” and “Stop the Hand Before It Sets Me on Fire” and everything.

  Angel shook her head. “Adults don’t have sleepovers.”

  “Some do.” Gloria slid sideways by Angel and hung up her coat in the closet. “Sleep well?”

  “Yes.” Angel frowned. “Why did you have a sleepover with Johnny?”

  It’s a fair question, and not one I have a good answer for. “We had a lot to talk about, Angel.”

  “Johnny talks too much.”

  Gloria bent down. She thinks shy Johnny talks a lot? “Johnny talks no more than anybody else you know.” Except for that wench listening to all this and smirking in the kitchen.

  “Well, he was sure talking a lot yesterday,” Angel said.

  Was he? Not really. “Maybe he was just nervous about meeting you.”

  “Why?”

  “Well, he likes me a lot, and he wants you to like him a lot.”

  “Why?”

  I keep walking into these questions. “Because he wants … all people to like him.”

  “That’s impossible. Besides, that’s not what Grandma said.”

  I cannot wait to hear what else that old woman told her. “And what did your delightful Grandma say?”

  “Grandma said that Johnny is your boyfriend.” Angel looked at the floor. “Is that true?”

  Geez, old lady. Even I haven’t called him that yet. “Well, we like each other an awful lot, but Johnny isn’t my boyfriend.” Hear that, Grandma?

  “Oh.”

  “Is there anything else you want to know, Angel?”

  “No.”

  That’s all I had to do? I tell the truth, sort of, and she stops asking questions. I might as well go for it. “Johnny will be visiting us a lot more from now on. Maybe every day. In fact, he’s coming over later for lunch, and we’re all going to work on a jigsaw puzzle.”