The Worst Romance Novel Ever Written

by H. M. Mann

  Gloria looked at Johnny’s hair. He needs a haircut, and his barber missed that ear hair again! I can’t wait to pluck it!

  Marion looked at Johnny’s feet. Big hands, big feet, what a treat that can’t be beat. I’m gonna have at least three more grandbabies.

  “This is your family from now on, whether you like it or not,” Pastor Payton said. “Just like your natural family, you’re stuck with them.”

  We are a family of feet, Johnny thought, staring at four pairs of sensible shoes and one pair of insensible shoes. Which feet don’t belong? Let me see … The pointy tap shoes need to be tapped out.

  “Make a family circle, y’all,” Pastor Payton said.

  Marion shot her hand to Johnny’s hand, effectively shutting Paul from the circle. Angel had no choice but to release Paul’s hand then reach behind Johnny’s back to take Paul’s hand.

  We are one complicated circle, Gloria thought. But at least we’re round.

  “Look at each other and repeat after me,” Pastor Payton said. “I love you.”

  Silence filled the church.

  Pastor Payton hummed. “The super-saved are in full force today. Say it. Say, ‘I love you.’”

  Paul looked around Marion and down at Angel. “I love you, Angel.”

  Angel only nodded. “Thank you, Daddy.”

  Ouch, Johnny thought.

  Ouch, Gloria thought.

  That’s right, baby girl, Marion thought. He’s only your daddy. No need to get mushy.

  Johnny crouched down. “I love you, Angel.”

  Angel looked down at her shiny shoes. “I love you, Johnny.”

  Yeah, Gloria thought, tearing up and shaking, this is Angel’s father. It took her a long time to find him, but here he is!

  This is fun! Johnny thought. He turned to Marion. “I love you, Marion.”

  Marion rolled her eyes. “Tell me anything.” She smiled. “I love you, too, Johnny.”

  Johnny turned to Gloria. “I still love you, Gloria, and I know I always will.”

  “And I love you, Johnny,” Gloria said. And I mean it! Kiss me now! Lift me off the ground! I don’t care if you embarrass me in front of everybody! Dance with me!

  Johnny dipped in as if to kiss Gloria but gathered Marion and Angel closer instead. They formed a four-way hug while Paul released Angel’s hand, backed away, seemed to bow, and returned to the pew.

  That’s right, Johnny thought. They’re my family now. I’ll give them a ride home in a real car. You run along to South America now. Go on and dig, ya dig?

  “What I say unto one, I say unto all,” Pastor Payton said, repeating the familiar benediction. “Watch and pray. Live holy everyday.”

  Marion kissed Johnny’s cheek.

  Angel shook Johnny’s hand.

  Gloria couldn’t stop crying. “I’m so happy right now I could just burst. You’re here, you’re finally—”

  Johnny shut up Gloria with kisses.

  Gloria stopped crying.

  Marion said, “Amen. Ooh, now. Remember where y’all are.”

  “Mama, you’re embarrassing me,” Angel said.

  Johnny winked at Angel and Marion and continued to kiss Gloria.

  There was, he decided, really nothing better to say to his sweet patootie.

  49

  “Gloria?”

  “Yes?”

  “We’re all a-low-un.”

  Gloria looked around the darkened sanctuary. “Yeah. Who turned out the lights?”

  “God’s mood lighting,” Johnny whispered. “He invented it.”

  Gloria snuggled her head into Johnny’s chest. “Yeah.”

  “Gloria?”

  “Yes, Johnny?”

  “Is this what real romance is all about?” Johnny asked.

  “I don’t know. I guess so.”

  He pushed her gently from him and held her at arm’s length. “I mean, all that misery, pain, and suffering.”

  “Sometimes it happens, but not all the time.”

  “But it’s all so unbelievable, right?”

  Gloria pulled her man to her. “Maybe that’s what romance really is. It’s unbelievable. I didn’t think it could happen to me, and then it did.”

  “After I was gone!”

  He will never let me forget that. “Yes.”

  “Very weird.”

  “True.”

  He kissed her nose. “Still working the night shift?”

  I smell a tangent coming. “Most of the time.” But kiss me again!

  “So how will we make fifteen kids?”

  “Quickly?”

  Johnny smiled. “If we’re going to have fifteen kids, we need to practice hard on the first one, our starter baby.”

  Gloria laughed. “A starter baby?”

  “Yeah. We get to practice and make a bazillion mistakes with the first one, so by the time number fifteen rolls around, we’ll have a perfect child. The first one, though, will need years of therapy and probably go on talk shows talking bad about us.”

  “You’re silly.” She heard the speaker system cut off with a crack. “We’re really all a-low-un.”

  Johnny nodded and dug into his pocket, pulling up a handful of change and spreading it out on the pew behind him. “It’s here somewhere.”

  “What’s there?” Gloria looked at seat. Oh, I see it! A ring! It’s nice! Why doesn’t he see it? It’s right there! Do you need glasses? God, heal this man’s eyes! Gloria pointed at the ring for good measure.

  Johnny held up a penny instead. “A penny for your thoughts, penny lane, four score and seven years ago today, you’ll never get me, copper.”

  Gloria laughed. It’s the circular one with the diamond on it! What’s it say on the inside? “Forever, my love.” I’m going to cry! And I’m going to scream if you don’t give it to me right now!

  Johnny held up a nickel. “Look. A UVA man who made something of himself. I could grow a ponytail like that. The Louisiana Purchase? What happened to Tommy’s little house? Not my style, though. Too neoclassic.”

  “Just give it to me.”

  Johnny held up a dime. “I like Ike. A dime man is a girl’s best friend. Get it? A dime man?”

  Oh, that was horrible! “C’mon, Johnny.”

  Johnny held up a quarter. “Vermont? The pancake state. Maple syrup for everyone! Gonna go out and shoot me some vermonts.” He finally picked up the ring. “Kind of looks like yoga position number thirty-four, doesn’t it?”

  Gloria had had enough. “What kind of a proposal is this?”

  “A bad one?”

  Gloria giggled. “Just give me the ring.”

  Johnny held it back. “Look, doll face, I’d like to, you know, give you this ring and then get all hot and bothered with you, but we’re in God’s house, and that sort of thing doesn’t happen here unless maybe your mind is wandering during the sermon and you start having carnal fantasies to pass the time. Besides, I am an incorrigible rogue who hasn’t spoken to you in months and—”

  Gloria shut Johnny up with kisses.

  Johnny liked getting shut up with kisses.

  They kissed for a long time in the sight of God, both of them wondering if God minded two of His orphan children kissing in front of Him.

  Johnny pulled back and dropped to his knees with a thump. He slid the ring onto Gloria’s finger.

  “It’s so beautiful, Johnny,” Gloria said, tears streaming from her eyes. “I never thought I’d get one of these, I mean, I haven’t ever really loved anyone, you know, but I already told you that, and here you are, and here I am in my church of all places crying my eyes out and wanting you to hold me forever and never let me go, but—”

  Then Johnny stood and shut Gloria up with more kisses and a lower back massage.

  Gloria wished they weren’t in God’s house at that moment so Johnny could continue massaging in other places. She asked God’s forgiveness and closed her eyes.

  Johnny pulled back first. “I know what we’re going to name our first child,
” Johnny said.

  Gloria’s eyes snapped open. “What?”

  “Glonny.”

  “Glonny?”

  “Glonny. Or Johnoria? No. Johnoria sounds like a disease. We could call her Sparky.”

  Gloria laughed. “Shut up and kiss me some more.”

  Johnny kissed her once, tenderly, and held her face. “Gloria, we need to talk.”

  Gloria bit her lip.

  “I’ve, um, been living at an auto repairs shop where I do odd jobs while I’m trying to get a loan to open my own business.”

  My man has a plan? Gloria thought. Preach on!

  “I’m, um, practically first in line to buy the old Pizza Hut building on Melrose where I hope to open a pizza joint.”

  And it’s just down the street from my house. Gloria’s heart started sounding like a Bootsy Collins’ bass riff. “Really?”

  “I was kind of hoping you’d, I don’t know, quit your job and come help me run the place.”

  Oh, Lord, You’re even answering my complaints! “I’d quit my job in a heartbeat.”

  “Actually, I just need you—or even Marion—to cosign the loan since you have a good job and she has a house.” Johnny winced. “You sort of have to keep your job for a little while till I get the loan.”

  I suppose I can stand Pamela Jean a little while longer. “Of course I’ll cosign the loan.”

  That was … easy. Thank you, God. Johnny looked at her hands. “I still have nightmares, Gloria, and I’ll probably always have them. I still have a lot of baggage, but … Will you … will you heal me, Gloria Minnick?”

  Gloria nodded. My heart breaks and then mends for this man. It just has to be love. “I’ll try, Johnny.”

  Johnny slid his hand to Gloria’s stomach. “Or Rafe. That’s a good name. Or Sinjun. Wait! Gunn Adhamh Glendonwyn. Yes!”

  “Stop.” Talking. Keep rubbing my stomach though. That feels so good.

  “Or Happy.” He picked Gloria off the ground, spinning her around. “Perfect! Happy Holiday!”

  “No.”

  Johnny brought her down to earth. “Happiest Holiday?”

  “No.” She pulled him up to the altar.

  “Think of the birth announcement cards we could send,” Johnny said. “Gloria and Johnny wish you a Happy Holiday!”

  “No, and keep it down.”

  Johnny rolled his eyes. “Why? There are no secrets in this house either.” He looked behind him. “Right, Angel and Marion?”

  “Nope,” Marion said, popping up her head from a pew in the back, Angel standing and waving beside her. “And Happy is a good name for a baby, Gloria, unless, of course, it ain’t happy. Then we can nickname him ‘Crappy.’”

  Gloria turned Johnny back to the altar. “We will discuss her name over lunch.”

  Marion stepped out of the pew, walked forward, and hugged Gloria. “I’m happy for you.”

  “Thank you, Mama.”

  Marion looked at the ring. “Not bad. I was expecting another rubber band.” Marion winked at Johnny, squeezed his hand, and left, taking Angel with her.

  “Um, Gloria?”

  “Yes, Johnny?”

  “Why are we up here?”

  “To make it official in front of God.”

  “But God is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. He’s everywhere. We could make it official over at Country Cookin’. I hear their buffet is fantastic.”

  “Does this mean you’re talking to Him again?” Gloria asked.

  “Yeah. He’s pretty talkative. Lots of still, small voices.”

  “What’s He been telling you?”

  “He wants me to hook up with you forever.”

  The things he says, and in church! “Hook up?”

  “Yeah. God is pretty hip for an old guy.” He turned her to face him. “You still haven’t answered my question, Gloria.”

  “Which one?”

  “I asked you to marry me.” Didn’t I? I think I did.

  “You asked me to heal you, and I said I’d try,” Gloria said. “You have yet to pop the actual question.”

  Would an incorrigible rogue just blurt it out, or would he say something incorrigible? “And what question is that?” Johnny asked.

  “Will you marry me?” Gloria said.

  “Yes.” Johnny smiled. “Are we done here? I’m hungry.”

  “What?”

  “I’m hungry. Famished. Empty. Starving.”

  What just happened? He said … “Wait a minute.”

  Johnny waited, wishing he could check a second hand so he could wait exactly one minute.

  “I was answering your question about the question,” Gloria said.

  “You weren’t proposing?”

  “No. That’s your job.”

  Johnny sighed. “But I already said I’d marry you. Where’s the fun in repeating the question? Readers would get so bored by the repetition.”

  “I want to hear it!”

  Luckily, Faith Ministries was not a massive church, or Gloria’s words would have echoed for days.

  “Gloria Minnick?” Johnny asked, humbly and with shyness.

  “Yes?”

  “Thank you for asking me to marry you.” He batted his eyes. The pollen was back.

  Gloria groaned.

  “You saved me from having to do it,” Johnny said. “After all, I am a shy guy.”

  “You, you …”

  “Go ahead and say it.”

  “You are an incorrigible rogue.”

  “And proud of it.” He looked out a window. “Hey, it stopped raining.”

  Gloria nodded. “Yeah. It’s about time the sun came out.” She squeezed his hand. “Take me out in the sun, Johnny.”

  “Sure.” Johnny smiled. “We’ll have a holiday.”

  And in about, oh, ten years, Johnny thought, we’ll have fifteen little holidays to call our very own.

  50

  Pastor Payton, the only one left in the vestibule, greeted them at the exit door. “Congratulations, Doc. So, when’s the wedding, Gloria?”

  Gloria smiled and looked at Johnny as if he were the only man for her.

  Johnny smiled at Gloria’s shoes and wondered how the news traveled so fast. They had shut the doors, hadn’t they? I hope they didn’t film us. They film everything at Faith Ministries.

  Pastor Payton laughed. “You two are too shy. It’ll have to be soon, right?”

  Oh yes, Gloria thought. I have a blissful scene I need to play often until Sparky is born.

  Oh yes, Johnny thought. I just have to get out of living at an auto repair shop first. I’d even settle for Marion’s basement.

  Johnny took Pastor Payton’s hand. “Thank you. For everything.”

  Pastor Payton squinted, his eyes dancing.

  Oh no, Johnny thought. Here it comes.

  “You free tomorrow morning, Doc?” Pastor Payton asked. “Got some new carpet coming, and I need to move all these pews to the basement. My vision is to have the sanctuary carpeted and the pews back in place by Wednesday. Think you’re up to it?”

  Johnny wished the pastor didn’t have so many visions. Can’t he turn them off? “Um, sure.”

  Pastor Payton nodded at Gloria. “You got a good man here, Gloria. Always willing and able. See you tomorrow morning, Doc. Seven sharp.”

  Once down the stairs, Gloria looked at the massive Cadillac, the only car left in the parking lot, a brilliant sun bathing it in warm light, Angel and Marion already inside it. “That’s your car?”

  “For now,” Johnny said, arm in arm with Gloria and walking over his sidewalk to the Caddy. He opened her door. “The Vega is being rebuilt to its former pristine glory.”

  “Why?” asked all three Minnick women at the same time.

  They must practice that, Johnny thought. They need to get out more. Johnny opened his door and got in. “A knight must have his horse, young Angel.”

  “It’s not a horse,” Angel said. “It’s just a car, but this one is much prettier than the other one.�
��

  “You want me to sell that ugly car?” Johnny asked.

  Angel giggled. “Who would buy it?”

  She giggled, but it’s not what I’m after today. I want her to break some Cadillac windows with her laughter. “A blind man would buy it … for a song.”

  Angel bit her lip. “A song?”

  “Yes,” Johnny said, “but he will be a mute man so he can’t sing it.”

  Angel’s eyes widened. “So how will he pay?”

  Johnny rolled out of the Caddy, jumped up on the hood, and waved both his hands in front of him like a third base coach of a baseball team, patting his chest, touching his nose, pulling his ears, and flapping his hands like a bird.

  Angel’s face became a smile, but she still didn’t laugh. She cranked down her window and stuck out her head. “Is that it?”

  Johnny’s hands froze in the air. “Now, here’s the chorus.” Johnny did every hand dance he could think of, even hand dances they didn’t do in Pulp Fiction, and by the time his body joined him to walk like an Egyptian from the hood ornament to the windshield, Angel was in tears laughing her heart out.

  Yeah, Johnny thought. Who’s your daddy dancing on the Caddy?

  “You can’t dance at all, Johnny!” Angel cried.

  And I will dance badly for you for the rest of my life, Angel.

  Then, after years of laughing in his head, Johnny Holiday laughed, really laughed, and for no apparent reason at all. He laughed so hard that the entire Cadillac shook, and not just because the shocks were going bad and the tires were somewhat bald. The windows of the bar across the street rattled. The people in the Laundromat couldn’t hear the fifty-pound washers anymore. The folks playing softball at the nearby park turned their heads. Tears formed in Johnny’s eyes, his laughter echoing to and from the Appalachian Mountains.

  Gloria got out of the car. “You’re laughing, Johnny.”

  Johnny nodded and continued to laugh. I’m guffawing! I’m chortling! I’m a cackle machine!

  Gloria jumped up onto the hood and held him. “You’re really laughing. But why?”

  “I’m laughing because I’m not laughing inside my head anymore!” Johnny said, still chuckling. “Isn’t it great?”

  Angel’s eyes were the widest Johnny had ever seen them.