Starboys

by Jeremy Jenkins

  That’s when I remembered my journal.

  I burst out of the blankets and lunged over to my suitcase, which the crew had dutifully moved into this space last night.

  It was right where I left it; between some folded shirts.

  I opened it with a ravenous hunger and turned to the spot where I’d listed all of the qualities of my perfect man: My heartmate.

  My face pulled into a scowl as I flipped through the pages, frustrated with myself for wanting so much in one person. Here I was being needy again…

  Then I was stricken by an idea.

  I pulled out my bag of multicolored pens and let them roll along the coffee table next to me and picked up the gold one. Holding it steadily in my hand, I wrote Leo’s name in my notebook. The cursive L shimmered with the sparkling gold ink.

  I did the same for the other guys, and within a few minutes, I had Mason’s name in blue, Reese’s name in purple, and Oliver’s name in green beneath his.

  Then I went through the pages I’d filled up with all of my desired qualities, and drew colored boxes around each of them that corresponded to the colors of each guy.

  I didn’t know what I was expecting; by the time I was done, I just had a huge mess of inked pages, with lines connecting some words, some things circled, some emphasized, and others crossed out.

  It was a mess, just like I was.

  Did I even know what I wanted anymore? It seemed like the more I searched for it, the more the answer hid from me.

  I put the corner of the blue pen in my mouth. What was it about Mason that was so enchanting to me? Searching through the pages, it was easy to see all of the things I’d outlined in blue. They were all physical things — the way he looked, the way he moved, the way he touched me…

  A bead of sweat rolled down my temple, thinking of the way his body moved on top of mine…

  I’d never had sex like that in my life. It was so real; we were so connected.

  But then as soon as he was done with me, he was on his way. He made me feel used.

  I angrily crossed out his name with the blue pen. My heartmate would never make me feel that way.

  I shook the angry thought away and picked up the green pen. Oliver.

  It was easy to spot the green outlined words throughout the pages: Talented, passionate, understands me…

  I thought of when we were walking in the town yesterday, how he called me an artist. Because of his words, for the first time in my life, I felt… important. I felt like I could finally call myself an artist, even though I would’ve never reached that conclusion on my own. He made me feel accepted. But at the same time, he also made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.

  I crossed out his name in the green ink, too.

  Then I picked up the gold pen and looked over the qualities I’d circled for Leo. The one thing that I had with him that I didn’t share with anyone else was that indescribable quality; that x-factor. It was the thing that tethered me to him; that undeniable attraction we shared. He was also open and honest, and did his best to clear the air of any drama that was lingering between us. That was a huge plus…

  But he was also emotionally inaccessible; stoic to a fault. I made myself vulnerable to him earlier and he glossed over everything, insisting on keeping me at arm’s length. Boring Guy was like that, too.

  With a scathing scratching noise, I crossed his name out.

  That left Reese. He was older, sure, but there was something there. All of the words outlined with the purple ink were about who I wanted to be; what I admired. Creative, passionate, dedicated, were outlined multiple times with different colors. Then there was the one phrase that only had a bright purple outline: Makes me famous.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I pressed the pen to the paper and watched as the violet ink began to pool in one spot.

  Was that really what I wanted out of this? To be famous?

  Technically, Mason would have made me famous, right? Since I was in that scene with him already…

  I closed my eyes and remembered how it felt when his fingers ran along my body for the cameras, and how easy it was to believe that they were running down my body for me. How it was just like the night before when we were alone together and we had that beautiful, otherworldly sex…

  My memory shifted to anger and betrayal when I remembered that Cheshire Cat smirk on his face when he left my trailer, and how he was still acting like nothing significant had happened between us.

  He was just like all the others; some arrogant, cocky bastard who used people until he got what he wanted, then left.

  My mood was soured again as I drained the tea.

  I wrapped myself in the blanket tighter as the sun slowly sank over the cliffs.

  Around this time, Reese was having some kind of discussion with the producers about keeping me on for more scenes. My future hinged on his argument for me, and how fiercely he was willing to fight for me.

  I didn’t know how angry Alina was with me, or if she would stay that way. Logic told me that she’d come around eventually, but from the way her eyes looked at me with that expression of betrayal, I couldn’t be so sure.

  If Reese wasn’t able to convince the producers to write me into the show, and if Alina decided to get rid of me as her stylist, my fate would be sealed. I’d have to go back to L.A., and all of this glamor and fame would vanish like waking up from a dream.

  I sighed heavily and crawled into bed for a nap, holding the journal tightly in my arms as if it was my heartmate.

  The last thing I felt before I closed my eyes was an overwhelming desire to talk to Hazel.

  I awoke the next morning to a knock on my door.

  Sitting up with a start, surprised percolated my senses as I realized that I’d slept through the night. The dazzling morning light poured in the window and laid across my bed in brilliant bands.

  “Shit,” I hissed, trying to smooth my hair as I went to get the door.

  There was another knock; more impatient this time.

  There was no time to get ready.

  Groggily, I opened it to find Reese standing there.

  Today he looked put-together; a tailor-made man in another of his impeccable suits. His tie was another deep purple with a subtle damask pattern shimmering across it. He was freshly-shaven, and his silver eyes were sparkling with excitement.

  “Good morning Charlie,” he said, a smile lurking at the corners of his mouth.

  “‘Morning,” I said sleepily, squinting in the morning light.

  “I have good and bad news — which do you want to hear first?” he said.

  Something unpleasant lurched in my gut as I pictured everything that could go wrong. The bad news had to be that I was going back to L.A., right? That this dream of mine was over.

  “Um… bad?” I said tentatively, as if I was preparing to get slapped.

  Reese shifted his posture and straightened his tie. “The bad news is that it’ll be a while before you act again.”

  My face fell. This was it— all of my dreams were coming to a screeching halt. I looked down sadly. “I’ll pack up my things…” I said, turning around in my sleepy stupor.

  “Charlie, wait,” Reese said, grabbing my hand and forcing me to turn back to him.

  His touch was cold, but it was strong.

  I looked back at him cluelessly.

  He smiled, the expression hatching on his face. “Charlie, the good news is that you will act again. And you’re getting a bigger part in the Black Castle!”

  “Wait, what?!” I said in disbelief, rubbing my eyes sleepily. “But you said—”

  “I said you wouldn’t be acting again for a while,” Reese clarified. “A while being a few weeks. The perfect time to introduce your character is when we’re on set in Morocco.”

  “M-morocco?” I said, still trying to wrap my mind around everything.

  The dream wasn’t ending; it was going on.

  “Oh, and one more small bit of bad news,” Reese said. “
Alina came to me yesterday and demanded a different stylist.”

  I clenched my teeth as I felt a gut punch. Alina clearly wanted me out of her life.

  Our fight was more serious than I thought.

  Reese frowned. “We’re at an awkward spot considering the timing of everything. Since we’re filming you in a few short weeks, it wouldn’t make sense to send you back to L.A., forcing you to find somewhere to stay, then flying you back out to Morocco.”

  I was staring at him open-mouthed, still trying to register that I wasn’t getting fired.

  “So, if you’d be patient with us, would you stay on set? It would be easier from a logistics perspective,” he said, eyeing me carefully.

  “Um… yes?” I said, mentally pinching myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. This had to be a dream— this couldn’t be real.

  “Excellent! That makes everything so much easier for all involved,” Reese said, clapping his hands together.

  Then a twisting sensation took form in my gut. “Wait… so if Alina doesn’t want me to do her hair and makeup anymore… what am I expected to do for the few weeks we have before my scenes?”

  Reese shrugged. “Make the most of Italy I suppose? Hang out? Spend time with the cast, I guess. Oh, and that brings me to your new compensation…”

  He said a number and my mouth dropped.

  “Is that agreeable to you?” Reese said, biting his lip.

  He was afraid I was going to turn him down; refuse this fortune of money I’d be making daily.

  I blinked a few times, unable to believe it. “Er… yes? Yes.”

  A smile cracked Reese’s face. “Excellent! I’ll have one of the set managers come by later with the contract, so we can make everything official.”

  Reese was practically vibrating with excitement.

  I was still blinking sleepily as he listed off a few more details, then we shook hands, and he was off.

  I closed the trailer door behind me, not entirely sure what had just happened.

  My whole world had shifted, again.

  The phrase, “Makes me famous” bounced around in my mind like a bouncy ball.

  It was happening. It was really happening. I wasn’t going back to L.A., I was going to be an actor on The Black Castle for real, I was going to get paid an exorbitant salary to hang around a bunch of movie stars all day…

  But Alina was mad at me. That was the one piece that felt out of place; it hung around my consciousness like an anchor.

  Today I decided that I would try to apologize; to make her my friend again.

  How hard could it be?

  By the end of the week, I had made no progress with getting Alina to forgive me. At first, I thought she was just being dramatic, but before long it became clear that she wanted to sever our friendship entirely.

  She froze me out. Every time I tried to get her alone, she would find an excuse to ditch me, or go hang out with Rachel, or suddenly remember that she had to do something.

  I did manage to corner her once and demanded to know what I could do to make it up to her.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked one day after she was done shooting. “Please Alina, please talk to me. We’re going to be acting together in a few weeks, we at least need to be on friendly terms.”

  She tensed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said. “We are talking. We’re talking right now.”

  “You know what I mean,” I said, my eyebrows coming together.

  She turned to leave the empty room. Her footsteps were echoing farther and farther away from me. “Just because you’re angry about what you did in the past doesn’t mean you get to take it out on me,” I said.

  She turned back to me, her white hair fanning around her face. “Just when I thought you understood, you go and say something like that,” she said.

  Her eyes were full of hurt, and it struck me like an arrow straight to my heart. “I didn’t mean it like that, you know I didn’t mean it…”

  But it was too late. She was already at the door.

  I was left alone in the empty room.

  A few more days passed before she would even look at me again. I saw her from time to time on set. She shot a scene with Rachel where they had a huge fight over Prince Valentine, and I could tell she was channeling her anger she felt towards me.

  Even though she hated my guts right now, I never wanted her to look at me the same way she was looking at Princess Valentine.

  “I smell secrets,” Mason said, appearing at my side.

  I scowled. “Don’t talk to me,” I said.

  “What, you want to pretend like we aren’t compatriots in all of this?” he said tantalizingly.

  “No. Just don’t, Mason.”

  “Suit yourself,” he said, watching me with his cold eyes.

  A few days before, I made a mental pact with myself not to get involved in any of the drama anymore. And Mason was nothing but drama.

  Even if his touch felt so good…

  Flustered, I walked from him and towards the village. It would take me half an hour to get up the cliff, but that was fine. I wanted to have some time to myself, away from the scene, away from the drama.

  It wasn’t long before the voices faded into the distance, all of the drama and the big personalities and the overall nonsense faded into the background. Now there was just the sound of the ocean.

  My life was in limbo as I floated around between these celestial bodies and it was like the gravity of each of them had been switched to push me in the opposite direction.

  Alina was treating me like I had the plague. Oliver was keeping his distance from me, and Leo was acting cold towards me ever since I asked him to leave my trailer a few days ago. Mason was still sniffing around, but only to use me again. I couldn’t trust any of them.

  There was only Reese left, the mysterious director with the past that was shrouded in shadow. I longed to know what the rumors about him were… and why he looked so disheveled that day after the bonfire but cleaned right back up the next.

  As I ascended the cliff, I willed myself to rise above all of this drama and just leave things be. It had been hard to resist trying to control everything for the past few days. I could have talked to Leo more; smoothed things out between us. I could have talked to Oliver and forged a friendship with him, instead of staying in this strange enemy zone. I could have tried harder to mend things with Alina, and completely ignored Mason.

  But I knew that drama was like quicksand; the more you fought against it, the more it would pull you in. The only way to get out of it was to relax and wait for a friend to pull you out.

  All I had to do was ignore everyone and wait for Alina to stop being mad at me.

  As I got to the top of the cliff and started walking through the town, something out of place immediately caught my eye.

  There was a crowd of people surrounding the town inn, craning their necks to try to peek in through the windows.

  Almost instinctually, I joined them. I couldn’t understand anything they were saying — it was all in Italian. The one thing I did understand was the sparkling excitement moving from person to person as they tried to get a look through the window.

  I assumed it was just another fan group of Mason’s or Leo’s, all assuming they were staying at this inn or something.

  Soon, maybe I’d have a fan group like this…

  I shook my head at the thought, not daring to deserve admirers.

  “Well well well,” Oliver’s mocking voice came from behind me.

  I turned to see him approaching me, those bright green eyes heavy-lidded as he took on an aloof expression.

  “Well well well what?” I asked, my mood souring.

  “Funny seeing you here,” he said. “I never would have pegged you as a fan.”

  “A fan of what?” I asked, one of my eyebrows going up.

  His face slid into a wide grin. “Oh, you don’t know, farm boy? I don’t know why I’m surprised…”

  “Cut the
crap,” I snapped. “Why are they all outside your hotel?”

  He frowned. “Crimson Sin is here.”

  “Crimson… Sin?” I asked, racking my brain.

  “Oh please. You’re worse than I thought,” Oliver scolded. “You really think that Reese got away with just demanding the producers that you get more scenes? No. They wanted a trade. If Reese was going to get to write you in, you bet your ass they were going to write someone in, too…”

  My face fell. “There’s… another rogue part being added?”

  “Yep. And the studio wanted Crimson Sin to do it. I guess he owes them a favor or something… he didn’t seem like he wanted to be here when I met him.”

  “Wait a minute, who is Crimson Sin?” I asked.

  Oliver burst into laughter. “Wow, you really are from the middle of nowhere, aren’t you?”

  He had his laugh, milking the moment where he had something on me. My patience was starting to wear thin.

  “He’s a rockstar. Has been for… three years now? Haven’t you hear the song on the radio Swing with me?”

  I shook my head, clueless.

  “You’re kidding,” Oliver said, his emerald eyes gleaming. “How about Renegade? No? Even if you haven’t heard that, you must have heard Bastard of Mars.”

  I shook my head. “None of those ring a bell.”

  “Where the hell have you been?” Oliver asked with a snort.

  Truthfully, since I moved to L.A. I hadn’t had much time to explore new music. What I listened to was pretty much whatever was playing in the salon at any given time. Which, most of the time was strictly pop music.

  “Well, apparently he’s on the show now too. I don’t know how many more creative changes Reese is going to make before he ruins it, but I think we’re all on a sinking ship,” Oliver snapped. “Neither you nor Crimson have any acting experience.”

  “What? He doesn’t either?” I asked, dumbfounded. “Why would the producers want him on the show?”

  “Because he owes them a favor, I guess. And because he has a massive following. If his huge fanbase starts watching the show, the studio stands to make big money.”

  I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I’d have to act with another junior actor?