Finding Joy (The Joy Series)

by Jenni Moen

  I spent the first few days hovering over her while she walked around in a haze. I cooked her meals. I reminded her to shower. I even picked out her clothes. She seemed incapable of making the smallest of decisions. Eventually, though, she started to make a comeback and had gone back to work one week after being released.

  We fell into a familiar rhythm. During the day, I worked at the shop. I spent the mornings helping Warren with whatever rolled in that day. In the afternoons, I crawled under the Pontiac. By the fourth day, I’d systematically dismantled it.

  I spent the evenings with my mom. We watched whatever was on TV and talked about nothing in particular. Our conversations gradually became less forced though we never talked about what had happened. She seemed content to leave it alone, and I was afraid that if I tried to bring it up she would become defensive. I didn’t want all the progress we’d made to be for nothing.

  Around nine each night, she excused herself to go to bed, and I would be left with nothing but my thoughts to entertain me. It was then that I mentally berated myself for everything I had done wrong, for all of the mistakes I’d made and for all the people I’d let down. It was only in the dark quiet of the night … when I knew my mom was sleeping … that I allowed myself to miss Allie.

  Yes, it felt very much like 2005. The only difference being that my heart was broken for an entirely different reason this time.

  I stuck by my promise and texted Allie every day. I tried to do it when I knew she would be at lunch. I hoped that she recognized my routine and know what to expect. I didn’t want her to sit around wondering and waiting for me to text each day. I didn’t want her waking up each morning, hoping that she would find the message that I was coming home. I didn’t want her staying up late, hoping that I would tell her good night. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t call her in those late night hours. I’d be too tempted to make promises I didn’t know if I could keep. My hope was that the routine would give her some comfort even if the content of my messages did not.

  Like my conversations with my mother, my messages to Allie were of no real substance. Each time she would respond with a short, but heartfelt, message, encouraging me to stay as long as I needed, telling me how much I was missed and professing her unwavering love and support. And I never answered a single one. One text per day was all I was capable of at the moment. I wasn’t trying to be an asshole, but I couldn’t handle any more.

  I knew my lack of response was breaking her heart. But, though it was also incredibly selfish of me to string her along without providing any real answers, I wasn’t ready to give her up completely.

  It was during the evening of the 10th day that the email came.

  To: Adam Hill

  From: Alexis Harper

  Date: December 10, 2013

  Adam,

  I have tried to stay away, to give you time and space to allow your family to heal. Maybe I should make it easy on you and be the one to walk away so that you don’t have to. But I can’t.

  We’ve been here before, you know. Drifting apart and suffering alone. When I think about September, I wonder what would have happened if I’d done things differently. If I’d been braver and stayed to talk it through with you, I could have saved us both a lot of pain. But I can’t regret that time because you showed me how hard you would fight for us. As a result, even when I’ve worried about what was in store for us, I’ve never doubted your commitment to me.

  A relationship isn’t defined by its weakest link. It’s defined by the strongest. I was the weak one and you were the one that held us together. You held onto hope when I didn’t believe there was any. I know now I’d never really left you, but it was only because you didn’t let me go that I didn’t drift out of reach.

  I’ve told you that I love you, but it’s not enough. Even though you’re the only one to ever hear those words from me, they’re still not enough. They are insufficient strings of words that can only begin to scratch the surface of how I feel about you.

  My life was empty before you came into it. I was an empty shell of a person, just going through the motions. But then you came along. You’ve healed me, filled up a hole that was empty for too long. I have found love with the one person who has every reason not to love me back. It’s taken each and every situation we’ve encountered to bring us to the present. I won’t give up on us. You’re my everything.

  I tell you these things because I need to say them, and because I hope that you need to hear them. I tell them to you because I don’t really believe you’ve let go of me yet, and maybe these words will tether you to me so that you don’t drift too far out of reach.

  I will be the strong one this time. I will hang on and never let go. And I will do it for however long it takes. I will do it forever. However, I will understand if you can’t come back to me. I always worried that it would come to this, and I would never ask you to choose between the two of us.

  Do not worry about me. My life will never be empty again. The fact that you loved me, unconditionally, in spite of all my faults, will keep me going. I will always be with you even when we’re not together. You have my heart, my soul … my everything. It’s yours to keep.

  Love, Allie

  PS: Lizzie is home. The hearing was five days ago and went well. Amber looks fantastic. Lizzie sends her love.

  As soon as I finished reading it, I scrolled to the top and started it all over again. My heart raced each time I started it, and I held my breath as if I didn’t already know what it said.

  “What ‘cha looking at?” Warren said, as he walked into the kitchen with an empty plate in his hand. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  Warren had been here every single day. He came by on his way to work every morning for a cup of coffee, and he usually spent the entire evening here after he closed down the shop.

  No one else had made an appearance, and it occurred to me more than once that Warren might be the ‘old friend’ that my mom had been seeing. Initially, I dismissed the idea. Relationships between two former addicts were generally discouraged. It was a tenet of recovery to not become involved with one another because when one fell, they usually took the other with them. Still, with every passing day, it looked more and more like Warren was the one.

  “An email from Allie,” I answered. As soon as her name left my lips, I looked around guiltily. Just saying her name made me feel like a traitor.

  “She’s asleep,” he said, knowing immediately what I was worried about. He put his plate in the sink and looked out the window in front of him. I watched his back, waiting for him to gather his words and knowing that Gandhi Warren was getting ready to make another appearance.

  Finally, he turned and leaned back against the kitchen counter. His rough, stained hands gripped the edge of the countertop on either side of him. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but then snapped it shut again. He looked at his feet and shook his head. After a few seconds, he pushed himself off the counter. “Let’s go for a walk. Get your coat. It’s cold enough to freeze the nuts off a steel bridge out there.”

  I followed him out the door, not even bothering to shut down my computer. When we got to the sidewalk, he looked in the direction of the tree and turned the other way instead. I fell into step beside him and didn’t say a word as we put some distance between us and the den of unhappiness we had left behind.

  After several minutes of walking side by side down the cold, dark street, he spoke. “God knows, I love Aileen. You know I do. But she’s far from perfect. She’s one of the most selfish people I know,” he said, shaking his head. It was hard for him to talk bad about her. “After Joy died and your dad left, I tried to help you as much as her. You were like a son to me. So no matter what my feelings are for Aileen, I can’t just sit by and watch you destroy your life. I love you too much.”

  “Whatever is going on in that crazy head of yours, do not turn her into a martyr,” he continued. “Not one single day of her life has she ever put you first. Her needs have always
come first. Always. You know this. I know this. She knows it, too.”

  I had nothing to say to that. He wasn’t wrong.

  “I know she’s hurting, and it hurts you to see it. I know you feel guilty and blame yourself for what happened now and what happened with Joy, but none of it was your fault. Do you hear me, son?”

  When I didn’t answer, he went on. “None of it. What happened to Joy was an accident. A terrible accident, but still just an accident. You couldn’t have done anything to prevent it. Things like that happen. People say that everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe it. I think sometimes bad shit happens for no reason at all. And you can’t find meaning in it any more than you could’ve prevented it in the first place.”

  “Now, what happened with Aileen last week … she brought that on herself. I know you think you knocked her off the wagon and ran over her with it, but you didn’t. She made the choice to throw years of sobriety down the drain. She knew what she was doing.”

  “Did she do it because she was upset? Maybe. Did she do it because she was mad? Maybe. I ain’t sure that either one of us will ever know what was going through her head that day.”

  “But I can’t stand seeing you throw everything away when I don’t think she’d do the same for you. She’s the parent. Not you. It’s not your job to take care of her, and no one expects you to give up your life to do it. You gave her six years. That’s enough. It’s up to her now to get her shit together and keep it that way.”

  “There,” he said brushing his hands together. “I said my piece.”

  “That’s one hell of a piece,” I said, shuffling my feet through the leaves covering the sidewalk.

  “So what did Allie’s email say?” he asked, only partially changing the subject.

  “It said she loves me.”

  “That’s all?” he asked, elbowing me in the side and shoving me off the sidewalk and into the yard.

  “Pretty much,” I lied.

  “And she wants you to come home.”

  “Sure.”

  “So what’re you going to do?” he asked. “You know Aileen’s well enough for you to leave now, and you know I’ve got her back. I’ll help her figure out where she went wrong.”

  “There’s an internship in California. I called about it yesterday, and they’re still interviewing for it. I’m leaving tomorrow.”

  “Allie’s not in California,” Warren said, shaking his head. “Are you going to include her in this decision?”

  “I think it might be best for everyone if I go away for a while. It’s not good for mom to see me moping around here every day, but I’m not sure going back to Allie is the answer either. Putting some space between all of us will be best for everyone. If I get the job, it’s only for six months.”

  Warren harrumphed next to me. “Sounds to me like you’ve made up your mind. Also sounds like you haven’t heard a damn word I said.”

  “I’ve given it a lot of thought. I think it’s the only answer.”

  “Well, you’ve got to make your own mistakes, but in my opinion, it’s no answer at all. Ain’t no point in everyone being miserable.” He shook his head sadly, and I looked away. A cat was sitting on the porch of a house just ahead. The full moon overhead cast a beam of light on him. He stopped licking his paw and stared in our direction as if he knew I was watching. Naturally, he reminded me of Allie and Rubber Cat, and I wondered what they might be doing right now. It would be 10 o’clock in New York.

  “Gah,” Warren said, pulling me from my melancholy. “I said I was done. That I’d said my piece. Just do one thing for me, okay?”

  “Sure, Warren,” I appeased him.

  “Think real hard about all of this before you make any final decisions. Think real hard before you rearrange your entire life for your mom. Although she’s apparently very happy to let you do it, she wouldn’t do the same for you. And if you ever tell her I said that, I’ll deny it.”

  “Or maybe I won’t,” he muttered, as we stepped up onto my mom’s porch. “You both need a swift kick in the ass. And I can tell you right now that neither of you want me to be the one to give it to you.”

  He was still mumbling under his breath, and I was still laughing when we walked into the house. It was the first time I laughed in days. I think it was the first time I even smiled.

  “What’s so funny?” my mom said, coming in from the kitchen. Apparently, she hadn’t been asleep after all.

  “Gandhi Warren just turned into Tyson Warren,” I said, still smiling.

  “He does that sometimes, but only when you need it,” she said, looking at him suspiciously. He shrugged at her, and the grin seemed to slide off her face, leaving a pained expression in its place.

  Even after hers had faded, my smile remained, and I had to admit that it felt good to know that they weren’t connected.

  CHAPTER 21

  Alexis

  “A-lister, I forgot something in my office. I’ve got to go back up. Take a cab, okay?” Ethan said, as he turned back toward the elevator bank.

  “Yeah, sure,” I said absently.

  He stopped and turned around to face me. His mouth turned down in a frown. “It’s late. Take a cab.”

  “Okay,” I said, with more conviction this time. It was after 11 and had been a very long day. I didn’t want to walk anyway.

  He cocked an eyebrow at me, but strode again toward the elevators. I pushed my way outside and looked for a cab. When I didn’t immediately see one, I started walking in the general direction of my apartment. I threw a glance over my shoulder every so often, but every cab that passed was already in service.

  Christmas was just a few weeks away, and a brisk northeastern wind whipped between the high rises. The cold air burned in my lungs, reminding me that I was still alive, which was something these days. It felt strangely cathartic.

  It had been two days, and Adam hadn’t responded to my email. Worse than that, his text messages had stopped. And to add further insult to injury, I’d heard through Carly that he wasn’t even in Dallas anymore. Apparently, he had gone to L.A. to interview for some internship that he’d never bothered to mention to me.

  I had pushed too hard, and he was fleeing now, trying to put as much distance between us as he could. As a result, I’d been walking around in a haze for the last two days, second guessing myself. Maybe if I had been patient a little bit longer, he’d be back home on the east side of the continent instead of the west. The only good thing that I could take from this was that his mom must be better if he was willing to leave her.

  I didn’t see it coming. I was too lost in thought. Too absorbed in my problems to see the one barreling right at me. But, whatever it was, it hit me hard and fast and with the momentum of a freight train.

  I pitched forward, throwing my arms out in front of me to soften my fall. But there was nothing soft about the way I hit the pavement.

  The palms of my hands and my knees hit first and scraped across the rough surface. My purse and computer bag fell from my shoulder and crashed to the ground around me, causing me to feel even more disoriented than I already did. My chin hit last with such a force that I wondered if it had left a dent in the sidewalk. However, any thoughts about the condition of the sidewalk were immediately sidelined by my bottom teeth crashing into my top teeth. The metallic taste of blood flooded my mouth.

  Something heavy and solid landed on top of me. I was sure I screamed, but any sounds were cut short by the explosion in the back of my head.

  Thankfully, I didn’t hear or feel anything else.

  Adam

  Forty-eight hours after my pep talk from Warren, I could be found pretending to live the dream in sunny L.A. And no one, including myself, was happy about it.

  Warren had kept his opinions to himself since our walk, but sometimes his silence spoke louder than his words.

  My mom, who was initially upset about my leaving, had come around to the idea when I’d explained that it was in California rather than New York. I
t had helped that I’d promised that my return flight was to DFW rather than La Guardia.

  In hopes of finding someone to back my decision, I texted Burke from the airport, figuring that at least he’d give me his blessing. After all, he had been the one pushing me to come out here all along.

  I had been surprised when his response had been lukewarm. My best guess was that an unhappy Allie made for an unhappy Carly. I imagined that she was filling his ears full. He’d sold me out for his girl. Six months ago, I would have found it infuriating, but now I completely understood where he was coming from.

  Currently, I was sidled up to the bar at what I was told was one of the ritziest hotels in Hollywood. Supposedly, it was a place to see and be seen, and though my companions were just a pair of studio interns, they didn’t seem to be deterred by the fact that no one was there to see them.

  The interview earlier this afternoon had been short and sweet. After all, it was just an intern position, and even the mid-level executive who had interviewed me had barely been able to donate an hour of his day to speak with me. However, afterwards he had assigned the two yokels on either side of me to give me a tour of the grounds. I took it as a sign that the interview had gone well.

  I was confident that I would get the job, and it wasn’t just the liquor talking.

  Yes, I was drunk … as in falling down drunk … again. This was the second time in just a few weeks that I’d let this happen. The first had been at Allie’s house on Thanksgiving. My excuse had been that I was uncomfortable hanging out with her parents. In retrospect, the real reason had been that I’d been dreading going to my mom’s the next day. But, at the time, her father had made an excellent scapegoat.