Small Town Girl

by Ann H. Gabhart

  Mike had told him once that he didn’t think the Lord minded questions. Jay didn’t know if that was true or not, but he did know that his questions had made Mike uncomfortable. Mike hadn’t come up with answers. No real answers that made sense. Instead he’d ended up telling Jay some things couldn’t be figured out like an arithmetic problem with one sure answer. He’d said the thing Jay needed to remember was that he could trust the Lord to have an answer for everything, even if sometimes the answer was beyond their limited understanding. Sounded like preacher talk to Jay, but that was only natural since Mike knew even then he was going to be a preacher.

  The day was chilly, so they all settled in the sitting room after they’d made short work of the raisin roll dessert and cleared away the dishes. Even Trouble plopped down on the floor to take a Sunday afternoon nap after Birdie talked Kate and Jay into a game of pick-up sticks. Mike had put in a late night at the movie house, so he was grabbing a quick nap in the bedroom before going out visiting. Evangeline was chatting with her mother as they leafed through a couple of magazines. Mr. Merritt was in his favorite rocker over by the window, totally immersed in some fictional world.

  The radio wasn’t on. Jay liked it that way. The quiet sounds of family. The occasional pop of the fire. Birdie’s laugh when he tried to pick up a stick and clumsily touched one of the sticks near it to lose his turn. The murmur of Victoria’s and Sammy’s voices from the kitchen where they were studying for a history test. The sound of pages turning. He’d always imagined there were places like this. He watched Kate as she deftly picked up her stick without moving any of the others. She looked up at him and smiled victoriously.

  No wonder she didn’t want to elope. Who would want to leave this kind of place where love wrapped from one person to the next like a gentle web?

  “Your turn,” she said.

  He stared at the pile of sticks, then reached down and grabbed as many of them as he could in his hand. That’s what he wanted to do, grab everything in the room and hold it close to him. Kate and Birdie and the whole family. Even Trouble.

  “Hey, that’s cheating,” Birdie protested even as she squealed with delight.

  “You’re right. I lose.” He smiled at her and dropped the sticks back down. That’s what he felt like he was doing. Cheating. Reaching for more than he deserved.

  Mrs. Merritt looked up from her magazine. “Shh, Lorena. You’ll wake up Mike.”

  “That’s okay, Nadine. I’m awake already.” Mike was in the bedroom doorway, smoothing his hair down with his hands. “The afternoon’s slipping by. I need to get up to see Mrs. Penn. And I’d better go by the Nolands’.” He kept his eyes away from Kate. “Mrs. Noland’s sister told me this morning that the poor woman is beside herself after Carl’s letter last week saying he married some girl out there in California before he shipped out for Hawaii. Did you know about that?”

  Mrs. Merritt closed her magazine. “We heard something about it at the store, but since it didn’t come from Carl’s family, we weren’t sure how true it was. They haven’t been coming into the store lately.”

  “Afraid they’ll have to look at me,” Kate spoke up.

  Jay wanted to say he’d like to sit in a corner of the store all day long if that meant he could feast his eyes on her.

  “People can be so stupid,” Evangeline said. “I wouldn’t worry a minute about any of them.”

  Jay didn’t know if Mike was opening his mouth to agree with her or to suggest a more preacher-wifely attitude when Trouble leaped up and began barking for all he was worth as somebody banged on the door.

  “What in the world?” Mr. Merritt closed his book and started up out of his chair.

  “I’ll get it, Dad.” Kate was already on her feet. She grabbed Trouble’s collar and was reaching for the door when Graham pushed it open and burst into the room.

  His face was pasty white and he had to lean against Kate a minute to catch his breath. Nobody said a word as they braced themselves for whatever bad news he was bringing. Finally he managed to say, “The Japanese are bombing Pearl Harbor! It’s on the radio.”

  24

  Graham’s raspy breathing was loud in the stunned silence that followed his words. Words that hung in the air while time seemed to stand still. The clock didn’t stop ticking away the seconds. Kate kept on breathing in air. The fire kept popping, but none of it was the same. She wanted to block out Graham’s words. To go back to the easy time before he’d burst into the room. But she couldn’t push him back out the door. Not wanting to hear his news didn’t make it any less true.

  Across the room her father sank heavily back down into his rocking chair like he’d been punched in the stomach. Her mother covered her mouth with a hand that trembled, dismay plain in her eyes. Mike and Evie were staring at each other in a raw, private way that made Kate almost ashamed to have glimpsed it. In the kitchen doorway, Tori and Sammy grasped each other’s hands, their faces drained of color.

  Her eyes slid to Jay on his feet staring straight at her with such intensity that it took her breath. She wanted to go to him, to feel his hand gripping hers the way Sammy was holding onto Tori, but she couldn’t move. She felt apart from it all. From Graham’s words. From the worry on every face. It was like she was seeing it from afar.

  Lorena ran across the room to grab Kate’s hand and yank her back into the reality of the moment. With wide eyes she stared up at Kate. “What’s Pearl Harbor, Kate? Why’s everybody looking funny?”

  Her questions seemed to set them all free.

  “It’s a place in Hawaii.” Graham straightened up away from Kate, but he looked so shaky that she kept her hand on his arm to steady him. Then Jay was pushing a straight chair under Graham, who sank down in it with relief. “The Navy has a base there.”

  “Where Carl went?” Lorena looked worried. “Is he getting bombed?”

  “I don’t know, baby. Maybe he hadn’t gotten there yet.” Kate gently pushed Lorena’s hair back from her face.

  Jay stepped closer to wrap his arms around both Lorena and Kate in the kind of hug people shared when a loved one was sick or dying. People were dying. Bombs were falling on American soldiers. If it was true.

  Mike must have felt the same doubts about whether it could really be happening the way Graham said. “Are you sure you heard right? The Japanese bombed us?” His voice sounded incredulous.

  “Not bombed. Bombing. They’re still at it. Ever since just after daybreak there.” Graham sounded weary as he looked over at Mike. “Turn on the radio. Hear it for yourself.”

  Without a word, Kate’s father leaned forward to switch on the radio beside his chair. It took an interminable time to warm up, but then the broadcast seemed to be regular programming. A football game. For a moment, hope that somehow Graham was mistaken, that he had heard something wrong, flickered awake in Kate, but the hope died out even before the reporter broke into the program again. Graham wouldn’t get this kind of thing mixed up.

  They all turned toward the radio as though they could see the words spill out of it. Evie stood up and Mike stepped over beside her. Kate’s father stayed leaned forward to keep from missing anything the reporter said. Kate held Lorena close in front of her and Jay kept his arm around them both as the news report began. The only one not staring at the radio was Graham. He already knew what the man was going to say.

  “From the NBC newsroom in New York, President Roosevelt said in a statement today that the Japanese have attacked Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, from the air. I’ll repeat that. President Roosevelt says the Japanese have attacked Pearl Harbor from the air. This bulletin came to you from the NBC newsroom in New York.”

  A new voice came on, promising more details the minute they came in. Then an advertisement started up, but it was as if none of those words mattered anymore.

  Kate’s father stared straight ahead at the wall over the radio. “We’re at war. Again.”

  Mama stood up. For a few seconds, she steadied herself against the couch arm before
she moved over to touch Daddy’s shoulder. He covered her hand with his and they stayed still and silent for a moment. They knew about war. They’d been through the war that was to end all wars.

  Daddy looked over at Mike, then Jay. “I’m sorry.”

  Kate’s mother didn’t say anything, just tightened her hand on Daddy’s shoulder and stared at the radio as the news reporter came on again, repeating the same news and then adding that reports were coming in that Army and Navy bases in Manila were also being attacked.

  “Naturally this means war,” the announcer said in a curiously flat voice, even though he had to know his words were reaching out and poking every listener. “Naturally America will retaliate.”

  He kept saying “naturally” like a bad record stuck in one spot. His voice ended and the regular programming started up again, but they didn’t want to hear that. They stared at the radio, wanting to somehow force it to reveal more. Kate’s father twisted the dial between the stations to try to pick up more reports.

  Slowly, one by one they found places to sit. Her mother on the stool in front of her father’s chair. Mike on the couch beside Evie, although he kept looking toward the door as if thinking he needed to be doing something else. Something more. Every time a new announcement came over the air, he squeezed his eyes shut and bowed his head in an attitude of prayer.

  Kate thought she should be praying too. That they all should be praying. At the same time, she couldn’t seem to get past the first words in her head. Oh, dear God. She had no idea what to pray. The whole idea of bombs falling on their ships, their soldiers, and what that would mean was too staggering.

  Tori and Sammy sank down on the floor and leaned against the wall, heads close together, their history homework forgotten. They were listening to history being made. Their future being altered.

  Graham scooted his chair closer to the radio and leaned toward the sound of the voices coming from it. He was still wheezing from his hurry to share the news with them. He muffled a cough to keep from missing a word that might be coming from the radio.

  “I’ll get you some water,” Kate told him. She couldn’t just stand there. She had to move, even if it did mean stepping away from Jay. She needed to be doing something, if it was nothing more than pouring Graham a glass of water. Lorena tagged along to the kitchen with her, holding onto Kate’s skirt the way she used to when she first came to live with them.

  Kate looked at Jay when she returned with Graham’s water. He’d backed up against the wall next to the front door, looking unsure of his place among them. She wanted to go to him and pull him into the circle of the family, but what if he wasn’t ready for that? His face was so serious, but then this was no time for smiling. Nobody was smiling.

  When Aunt Gertie and Uncle Wyatt drove into the yard and practically right up to the porch a few minutes later, it was Jay who opened the door for them. They came in, talking in hushed tones the way people did when somebody died. Kate supposed death was happening. Bombs were exploding. Bombs killed people.

  Aunt Hattie showed up a few minutes later. She didn’t bother knocking, just came on in. She was alone, but none of them would have ever expected Fern to show up. Fern’s way of dealing with bad things happening was to vanish into the trees. Reports of an attack on a Navy base halfway around the world wasn’t going to change that.

  Aunt Hattie had no more than settled down in one of the chairs than a bulletin came across the radio. The reporter was almost shouting. “We have witnessed this morning the attack of Pearl Harbor and a severe bombing of Army planes, undoubtedly Japanese. The city of Honolulu has also been attacked and . . .”

  The voice faded, and they all leaned toward the radio trying to hear through the static. Then they could hear him talking again. “This battle has been going on for nearly three hours.”

  Again a crackling noise blanked out the signal. Kate held her breath to keep from missing any of the words when the man’s voice came through again. “It’s no joke. It’s a real war.”

  The voice was cut off and another announcer came on to explain that they’d just heard from an eyewitness straight from Hawaii. The report ended and regular programming started up again. Kate’s father turned the dial, but he wasn’t finding much but static.

  Kate had stopped in the middle of the floor with her arm around Lorena while the bulletins were sounding, but she couldn’t keep standing there as though she, like Jay, didn’t know if she belonged. She had no doubt she belonged here with her family. Her eyes were drawn to Jay. She wanted him to think he belonged here too. Beside her. To believe they belonged together.

  Wasn’t that what love was supposed to be like? Two together, drawing strength from one another the way her mother and father were doing. Mike and Evie too. Even Tori and Sammy were leaning on one another. Lorena was clinging to her and that was good. She wanted to be strong for Lorena, but she also wanted more. She wanted Jay’s arms around her again. But he hadn’t been the one to pull away. She had.

  She always had to be doing something. Like Martha in the Bible. Bustling around trying to fix things instead of prayerfully waiting on the Lord to reveal what was most needed the way Martha’s sister, Mary, had done. But without Martha, nothing would get done. Nobody would get to eat. Or sit, because nobody would be bringing in chairs from the kitchen. Everybody would go thirsty.

  Why did Kate have to make everything so difficult? Why couldn’t she simply walk across the room and lean against Jay the way she wanted to? The way he wanted her to. His face told her that. Then again, why was she even thinking about such things when the voices crackling over the radio were shifting the world as they knew it? Nothing would ever be the same again. She sank down onto the arm of the couch and pulled Lorena back against her. It wasn’t time to be worrying about whether she and Jay could ever be like her mother and father. That kind of feeling didn’t happen overnight. It took years.

  Aunt Hattie pushed herself up out of the rocking chair and looked toward Mike. “Have you been doing any praying, Reverend Mike?” She’d always been short, but now the sorrow of the news seemed to be weighing her down even more until she wasn’t much taller than Lorena.

  “I’m praying, Aunt Hattie. We’re all praying,” Mike answered.

  “Could be we should join them prayers together then. Appeal to the good Lord above with every bit of faith we can summon up.”

  “You pray for us, Aunt Hattie,” Kate’s mother said.

  Aunt Hattie looked from Mama to Mike. “Is that all right with you, Reverend?”

  “More than all right, Aunt Hattie,” he said. “I’ll save my prayers for church tonight.”

  “Ain’t never no use saving prayers.” Aunt Hattie frowned. “The good Lord knows them before we ever utter them anyhow.”

  “And I’ll trust him to put words in my mouth to beg for his mercies when I stand in the church later, but right now I need you to talk to the Lord for me. For all of us.”

  Mike tightened his arm around Evie, drawing her even closer to him. The way Kate wished Jay was holding her, but again that kind of love took time. So instead, she laid her cheek against the top of Lorena’s head. She knew how she felt about Lorena. That was the kind of love she could understand. How she felt about Jay was too new.

  Aunt Hattie raised her skinny arms with palms flat toward the ceiling as she looked up and began praying . . .

  “Dear loving and gracious and understanding Lord. I’s knowing you is lookin’ down on us with loving kindness. And we thank you that you is right here with us during this hard time. We know your lovin’ arms is reaching out to us wantin’ to draw us close to you so’s we can lean on your strength and not our own. We has trouble with that, dear Lord, time and time again. Not trustin’ you the way we should. We’s for sure gonna trust you now with this evil happening and all the evil happenings that’s been overtakin’ this old world. But we know you is in control and that in your good time you will make things right.”

  Aunt Hattie paused, but nobo
dy said anything. They knew she wasn’t through until she came out with an amen.

  “We’s some of us got a feelin’ of fear down here. We’s scared of what we’s looking at the same as we were back when our boys went off to that other war when you took my Bo on to his heavenly home. Now here we are again. Trembling and shakin’ afore you. Protect those boys over there in that Pearl Harbor where bombs is falling. Give them and us here too, give all your children the courage we is gonna need in the dark days ahead. Let us know that not even the deepest darkness can keep your lovin’ light from shining through to us. Amen and amen.”

  Kate never knew anything to add to any of Aunt Hattie’s prayers. The old woman knew the Lord was her friend. Doubt never sat down with her. Hadn’t even when her son had been killed in that first war she’d just been praying about. She said the devil nudged doubts into a believer’s head. Some soft and easy. Others sharp and pointed. And that then the old devil leaned back and laughed when people wiggled those doubt pins around, letting them work deeper down into a body’s mind instead of yanking them out and pitching them to the side the way they ought to.

  Kate didn’t doubt. She didn’t. Not anymore. Once she had. She’d wanted to turn her back completely on the Lord. But the Lord hadn’t turned his back on her. He just waited out her doubts and then was right there the very same when she opened her eyes and reached for him again.

  So now she breathed a soft amen and opened her eyes to look straight toward Jay standing by the door. He wasn’t there. She whipped her eyes around the room. He wasn’t anywhere. He must have slipped out the front door while they were all concentrating on Aunt Hattie’s prayer. What had she said? That some among them had a fearful spirit. Maybe she hadn’t been talking about the war. Not the war of bombs and bullets, but a spiritual war that had made her prayer words poke him too hard. So hard he’d left. Without so much as a goodbye.