by Barnard, Jo
“I’m really hungry. And do you know what I fancy? A stuffed paratha from the bazaar.” Meeta chuckled and asked the taxi driver to stop at the food stall.
Freshly baked flatbread, nothing could compare. “It’s good to be back,” I said, biting into the comforting deliciousness.
They dropped me off to my tiny room which was tired but clean and warm. I didn’t plan on spending much time there so it was absolutely fine. “I come for you at ten o’clock tomorrow, Jude. We can go and surprise Gulab.”
“I can’t wait to see her!”
“Sleep well. Until tomorrow, my friend.”
“Until tomorrow, my pregnant friend.” Meeta smiled and jumped back in her cab.
She looked so happy, I thought. Had things been different, I might have been pregnant by now too, and Meeta and I could’ve enjoyed the beginnings of motherhood together.
Determined to feel awake and refreshed for the day ahead, I crashed in my bed, trying to ignore the fact it was only mid afternoon back in the UK. I felt very conscious that Matt wasn’t lying here next to me, but I pushed that to one side, made a mental list of all the things I’d like to buy for the shop and my therapy room, and said the Serenity Prayer.
Please, Pure Love, grant me…
the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I couldn’t do anything to change the past, but I could do something about the future. And with Saffie, Annie, Meeta, Gulab, Guy, and the twelve steps in my life, not to mention a helpful boost from my loving dad, the future was looking really bright. Focusing on gratitude, I drifted into a lovely sleep.
It felt really odd waking up to a chilly room in Patiala. Still very early, I got dressed straight away, made myself a hot tea, and spent some time by the window, watching the world emerge. Having opted for just a room rather than bed and breakfast, I munched on a cereal bar and looked forward to something tasty at Gulab’s. She always had a stash of homemade goodies in her cupboard.
I had brought my faithful cards with me and decided to pick one for the day ahead. As I shuffled the deck, one card slid out, so I chose to go with it, even though I had no clue what it meant. The message was ‘CONSEQUENCES – make wise loving choices’. I couldn’t see how that was appropriate to the time I had planned with my friends, but I was grateful anyway.
As promised, Meeta arrived at ten am on the dot, wearing a big white smile. “I’m so excited for today, Jude. It’s so good to have you here again.”
“It’s great to see you too, Meeta. How are you feeling this morning?”
“I feel fine thanks.”
“Does Gulab know about the pregnancy?”
“She guessed, Jude, when I say no to chai and chai cake!” We laughed. “Let us go to see her now. She is expecting me to come, but not you.”
Although it was cold, the sky was clear and bright, and we walked arm in arm along the street, plotting our surprise.
“I go in first, Jude, and then after one minute, you knock on the door, ok?”
As planned, I gave a firm knock and Gulab told Meeta to open the door. As I walked in, Gulab was pouring a nutritious glass of Lassi for her pregnant friend. “I hope you have enough for me too,” I teased.
Gulab dropped her spoon and walked towards me with open arms. Her hug was so tight, I feared my ribcage would shatter. She jabbered away in Punjabi, put her hands to her heart, and then pointed to the card I’d sent her, which took pride of place on the kitchen dresser.
She took my coat and summoned me to sit down on a stool next to Meeta. The three of us had never been together before, and it felt wonderful. Still speaking Punjabi in a very shrill tone, Gulab pulled various tubs out of her cupboards and removed the lids for me to see what was on offer. “Please, you have some. Very nice.” She placed a plate in front of me and encouraged me to dive in.
We enjoyed a cup of chai together, and I had an enormous slab of cake. Meeta suggested we take some lunch to the Sheesh Mahal, a palace I had wanted to visit when I was here before, but had never got around to. Gulab seemed pleased with the idea, and went about packing up a picnic feast.
A taxi dropped us outside the palace, which greeted us with its vision of tranquil beauty. The ladies found a pretty spot to sit and eat beside the lake. Gulab placed a blanket on the bench, to remove the chill from our bottoms, and another blanket across our knees, and we sat there for a good couple of hours, chatting, munching, and sipping hot drinks from our flasks. It was true that the simple things in life really did give the most pleasure.
Horrified at the thought of me sleeping in a little room on my own, Gulab insisted I stay at her place that night, and so our return taxi waited outside while I collected a few things. He dropped Gulab and I back at hers, before taking Meeta home to cook for her husband.
“I meet you here at ten o’clock tomorrow, Jude, and we go shopping. Prakash say you must come back with me for dinner and to stay. He wants to say hello. Please say you will come.”
“I’d love to, Meeta. Thank you. See you in the morning.”
Later that evening, I received a message on my phone to say that Dad’s house had completed and that the money had been transferred over to my account.
“Thanks, Dad,” I said, looking up at the sky. Amounts of money aside, it felt wonderful to know that my dad was able to help me, and that he could now be involved in my journey forwards. I felt a little door in my heart, which had closed in sadness when he passed, begin to reopen, and I shed a few tears of joy.
That evening, I relayed the story of Dad’s illness and passing to Gulab, who had also lost her father a few years ago, and we shared in the memories of our loved ones. She explained the Sikh tradition of celebrating the lives of their loved ones one year after their death, which I thought was a really lovely idea, and one I would bear in mind.
Whilst Gulab carried out her evening prayer ritual, I spent some time reading a book that Annie had leant me, and it wasn’t long before I nodded off in my warm comfortable bed. This wonderful woman was certainly a welcoming hostess, and destined for Heaven, I reckoned.
She greeted me the following morning with a breakfast fit for a queen.
“Wow, Gulab, this looks amazing. You must’ve got up very early.”
“I get up at five hours every morning for prayer.” Understanding she meant five o’clock, I nodded and sat down to our feast of spiced Lassi, freshly cooked Parathas stuffed with warm bananas and sugar, peppermint tea, and her famous Chai Masala cake. I told Gulab about my plans for the shop, and she recommended several bazaar stalls to visit for the best bargains, writing their names down on a scrap of paper for me.
Meeta and I had a wonderful day together, and we successfully sourced all of the items on my list. My friend’s local knowledge was invaluable when it came to bartering, and we ended up paying impressively low prices that Saffie would not have been able to achieve from the UK. I had filled a large case to its maximum capacity and had arranged for a selection of yoga mats and meditation stools to be shipped over. It felt empowering to know that I had some money in the bank to support me now, and that our shop would be further enhanced by these authentic Indian items of beauty.
I couldn’t have felt more welcome in their home that evening, and we celebrated Meeta’s pregnancy and my plans for the shop with a beautiful meal. Exciting times lay ahead for us all, and we flopped down on the comfortable sofas with a hot milky bedtime drink.
An unexpected knock on the door made us jump, and Prakash got up to answer it, only to find Matt standing there. My heart almost leapt out of my chest and I didn’t know what to do. Feeling obviously awkward, Prakash tried to get rid of him.
“Matt, my friend, I told you not to come here tonight.”
“I know, and I’m sorry, but I need to see my wife.” Ignoring Prakash’s polite pleas, he walked through the door, and towards me. “Jude, we need to talk. Why didn’
t you tell me you were coming?”
Prakash blushed and looked apologetically at me. “Jude, I’m so sorry. I couldn’t lie to my friend, but I did explain you didn’t want to see him.”
Feeling shaky, I turned to Matt. “Ok, let’s talk. I’ll meet you tomorrow.”
“How about we talk now, Jude? For all I know you’ll be gone tomorrow.”
I grabbed my coat, kissed Meeta on the cheek and headed towards the door. “Fine. But not here. This is our friends’ home.”
“Let’s get a cab back to our place. I mean, my place.” Matt hailed a taxi and before we knew it we were on our way. My head was spinning. I hadn’t prepared myself for any of this.
Matt reached across and gently touched my chin, causing my head to turn and face him. “I’ve missed you, sweetheart.”
“Please don’t say that, Matt. You know how much you’ve hurt me, and I’m just turning the corner and getting on with my life.”
Matt paid the driver and led me up to our old front door. The house smelt familiar; comforting. It smelt of Matt. The Matt that I had adored. He took my coat and I felt myself start to crumble.
“Jude, I don’t know where it all went wrong.”
“I think perhaps it all went wrong when you slept with Deb. Jog any memories for you? Because believe me, they haunt me every day. So if you’ve forgotten, then please allow me to remind you.”
“Jude, you say it as if we planned to hurt you. Your sister means nothing to me. She never has done. It’s just we were both there feeling miserable and neglected. We needed to feel loved. I missed your loving, baby. It was you I wanted, not her. It’s always been you.”
“Look, Matt, I do understand that I left you over here on your own, and for that I’m truly sorry, but…”
“So you can see that we were both responsible then?”
“Well, I can see that…”
Matt placed his fingers over my lips. “Shhhhhhhhhhh. Let’s not go there now.”
He touched the side of my face tenderly and ran his fingers through my hair. “God, I’ve missed you. You’re still my beautiful girl you know.”
The familiarity of his sensual touch melted me to mush. I’d longed for this moment for months. Not only had I fantasised about it, I’d physically ached for it. And now it was here. It was happening. Me and Matt, together again, in one another’s arms.
Our lips met, tenderly at first, but before I knew it, we were ripping each other’s clothes off and were reunited in the flesh once more like reckless animals; against the wall and then onto the bed. It felt good. It felt comfortable. I felt alive.
“Like a glove,” he whispered, smiling as he entered me skin to skin. We both knew what the other liked, and the pleasure was immense. It was as if we’d channelled all of our pain into our lovemaking and, my God, it was good. When it was over, I pleaded for more, and we carried on pleasuring each other until we eventually fell asleep, our bodies hot and clammy with exhaustion. The only words we’d spoken since our initial conversation were those of pure lust and desire.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I awoke to find Matt still sleeping next to me. The events from the previous night raced quickly through my mind. Feeling shocked and ashamed at what had happened, I gathered up my clothes, slipped them on quietly by the front door, crept out and called a cab back to my rented room.
Hands shaking, I placed my keys down on the side table, and immediately spotted the card I’d picked when I first arrived. ‘CONSEQUENCES – make wise loving choices’ was staring me in the face.
Pacing around the floor, with no clue what to do, I felt utterly dreadful. That all-too-familiar feeling of being out of control had returned with a vengeance. What would Annie say if she was with me? Her voice suddenly popped into my head. “Return to the steps, darlings, every day.”
I took a deep breath and sat down on the floor with the twelve steps written in front of me. One by one I absorbed them, relating them to my current situation, admitting I was powerless, asking for help, admitting my shortcomings, and praying only for what Pure Love wanted for me.
After about an hour of solid focus, I felt clear and calm enough to get up and make some tea. As I walked over to the kitchenette, I realised there were seven missed calls from Matt on my phone which I’d put on silent for last night’s meal.
I took a deep breath and thought about how best to handle this situation. What would Pure Love want me to do? Two images flashed vividly through my mind. The first was the Devil card that had come up in my reading with Rose. I realised that last night, I had danced to the Devil’s tune once again. Only this time I could see that I also had the power to set myself free if I wanted to. The second image was of Guy’s kind face. The man who had supported me, encouraged me, walked me to the bus stop, driven me to meditation classes, and yet asked for nothing in return.
For the first time since the day I met him, I didn’t crave Matt. I didn’t want his touch, his words, his intensity. I wanted to be free. I wanted to recover, to be strong, to be successful, to be happy. And if last night was what was needed to make me see this clearly, then I thanked Pure Love for the opportunity.
I took my phone off silent, and made myself a cuppa before jumping in the shower to cleanse myself of Matt. As I stood there under the hot water, I imagined any power he once had over me, running down the drain. I scrubbed my teeth and tongue vigorously, and spat the taste of him down the sink.
As I dried myself, the phone rang. It was Matt again. I ignored the call and continued to get myself ready, determined not to jump to his demands.
Once I’d dressed myself and dried my hair, I decided to call him.
“Oh, Jude, I’ve been going out of my mind. Where did you go? How do you think I felt when I woke up and saw that you were gone?”
“Matt, we didn’t do much talking last night, but there’s stuff that needs to be said.”
“Ok, I’m listening.”
“Last night was about closure for me. I thought I still loved you and wanted you, but when I woke up this morning, I realised that wasn’t the case. It felt wrong.”
“Wrong? How can you say it felt wrong? You were begging for more for Christ’s sake. Jude, it’s you and me. We fit together. We’ll never find that again with anyone else; we both know that.”
“It’s not enough for me, Matt – not anymore.”
“What, so you’re going to leave me here on my own again then? Like you did before? Can’t you see how much that hurt me, Jude, and yet here you are, about to repeat history.”
“I’m sorry if you see it that way, Matt.”
“Let me come over, Jude. Where are you staying? Let’s talk this through properly. Come on, babe. Let’s start afresh. Let me show you how I feel. Let’s get you pregnant, like we planned. You do want a baby don’t you?”
“It’s too late, Matt. My life’s moved on. And no, I don’t want a baby at this moment in time. I have plans. Exciting plans.”
“But what about the turtle doves you painted me? Mated for life, eh? Well, I guess that was all a load of bollocks then.”
“I meant it at the time, Matt. I really did, with all my heart. But then my heart got broken, and now I’m fixing it.”
“So what’s his name then?”
“There’s no one else, Matt. Just me and a handful of wonderful friends. They’re all I need right now.”
“What, so that’s it then?”
“I guess it is, yes. I’ll get the ball rolling when I get back home and we can get the divorce underway.”
“Oh right, so I suppose you’ll be stinging me for all I’ve got then?”
“Actually, Matt, I don’t want anything from you. I have all I need. I wish you all the best. Goodbye, Matt.” I hung up the phone.
I’d done it. I’d broken free. And it felt wonderful.
A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door. I answered it tentatively to find Meeta standing there looking dreadful.
“Jude, I am so sorry for wh
at happened last night. I did not know Prakash had told Matt you were here. I am so angry with him.”
“Please don’t be angry with him, Meeta. It’s not Prakash’s fault. I’m the one who should be sorry. I put you in a difficult position.”
“Are you ok, Jude? I have been so worried.”
“I’m absolutely fine. Now come on in and let me make you a peppermint tea.”
“Did you sort things out with Matt?”
I thought for a moment and then smiled. “Do you know what, Meeta, my friend? Yes, we did.”
“You still go home tonight?”
“Yes. So let’s do something fabulous today.”
“What do you like to do?”
“Well…what I’d really like to do is go to a kundalini yoga class with you, and to do some cooking with Gulab. Just like old times.”
We hugged each other tightly, and so began a magical day of fun, friendship and sisterhood. And as the darkness drew in, we bid our farewells, and I headed home with a large case full of goodies, and a freshly baked Chai Masala cake in my bag.
As I waited at the airport, I mulled over my visit to India and was thankful for everything that had happened. I couldn’t wait to see Saffie, and show her what I’d bought, and I looked forward to Wednesday evening’s meeting; to tell Annie and the group all about my hiccup with Matt, and how the twelve steps had led me to closure.
I realised that in just a few months, my life had transformed from a place of darkness and deep despair, to one of hope and positivity. And for the first time in ages, I felt glad to be me.
But the person I had thought about most during my time away, was Guy. I didn’t really know what I wanted from him; I just knew I wanted him in my life. Without too much thought, I messaged him.
‘Hi Guy, it’s Jude. I hope you’re ok? Have had an enlightening time in Punjab. Would love to tell you about it. Flight’s due in at eight-thirty tonight. Don’t suppose you fancy giving me a lift home? Will gladly reimburse your petrol J. No worries if you’re busy. Hope to see you soon. J x’