Regret (Under My Skin Book 1)

by Christina Lee

  My hand stretched toward his chin and my fingers slid beneath his jaw. He took a deep and shaky breath, his eyes becoming glassy and full.

  All at once the door flew open and Tallulah burst inside the room, nearly given us both a coronary. Her paws drew up on the rim of the tub and she began whining and lapping at the water, apparently waiting for an invitation.

  “Looks like somebody else enjoys baths too,” Nick said with a laugh as he sat up and reached for the towel resting on the vanity.

  Nick wiped himself down as I drained the tub and he handed me a fresh towel.

  His revelation did things to me. I didn’t know what to make of Nick anymore. He was fast becoming somebody I enjoyed spending time with—which shouldn’t have been news to me, it was how I’d felt senior year as well. Before he betrayed me.

  I grabbed hold of Tallulah’s collar and we retreated to my room, where I could safeguard the wall around my heart in private.

  21

  Nick

  On Monday morning, the routine felt odd without Elijah spouting his head off between sips of his hand-squeezed orange juice. But as Brin and I shuffled from the bathroom to the coffee pot, the routine was also beginning to feel strangely normal, which was messing with my brain. I liked having him around, and goddamn if I didn’t want to sample more even though he still seemed suspicious of me at every turn.

  I didn’t blame him, not when I couldn’t even face my own damn self in the mirror. And that was why this could never work between us—not that he wanted it to. But it was the first time in my adult life I had gotten a taste of something that left my heart aching for more. Like a small sip of heaven. Except I was likely to be cast from paradise the instant my foot got past the gate.

  “I’ll call Elijah and see if he needs anything today.” I hesitated to ask the next part. “Want me to keep you posted or vice versa?”

  Brin pulled out his cell. “That would be cool.” It was the first time we’d exchanged phone numbers and there was a strange familiarity to it, even after I’d already had my hands all over him.

  I walked out the door to my car and drove on I-90 heading east toward Heartfelt Impressions. Our shop was located in Collinwood, which was sort of a quaint old-school neighborhood that had become more run-down in recent years. Our storefront could certainly use an upgrade but I liked the area vibe and could see why my parents had chosen the location after we moved away from Chardon. It was a clean break, a fresh start—even though business had been on the decline ever since. My father never mentioned it, but had he not paid off their mortgage with some key investments, Mom would be struggling to make ends meet. The reason I decided I needed a roommate was because I could barely pay myself a salary anymore without endangering the business’s viability.

  Moving around the space with the familiarity of several years beneath my belt, I opened the shades, plugged in the engraving machine, and fired up the desktop computer. But I still couldn’t shake the stifling feeling I had every time I stepped foot in this shop.

  In my mind’s eye, I pictured something different. Bright, energizing colors, and maybe—just maybe—some black leather chairs with large ornate mirrors in front of each. Rolling carts with all the supplies the stylists needed, and a bustling calendar full of appointments at the front door. It was a pipe dream, but one that kept my dark thoughts momentarily at bay.

  I shook those images away and began working on a large order for the girls’ volleyball team from one of the local middle schools. District Champions. I thought about how my dad lived for these things—sports, stats, competition—and I wished I could channel him to give me the energy and optimism I needed to get through this day.

  The bell on the door jangled open, and I looked up to see my mom entering the store wearing her blue work scrubs. “You have a lot of patients scheduled today?”

  “Just a couple this morning and one this afternoon,” she replied, taking a seat on the other stool near the register and placing her purse beneath the counter. “You mentioned last week that we lost a big account?”

  I rummaged through the emails on the desktop to pull it up. “Yeah, from the Willoughby School District. They decided to go with Buckeye Engraving for a cheaper deal. Asked if we could match the price.”

  “That was one of your father’s first accounts,” she replied, sighing. “Can we match it?”

  “We’d lose money…but we already are,” I replied, tapping my finger to my lips. “I figured I’d give the assistant coach a call and see if we can’t work something out.”

  I had trouble meeting her eyes. No way we should go that low.

  “What is it, honey?” she asked, her hand squeezing my shoulder. “Talk to me.”

  “Business has been steadily declining for years and I’m not sure how to save it.” I sighed, sagging against the countertop. “I just…I hope Dad would think I’m…”

  “Your dad would be proud, Nicky. You have his work ethic…” She ruffled my hair. “And his smile. Just wish I saw it more.”

  My gut churned but I grinned anyway. I could still hear the echo of her words years later. We don’t blame you.

  Please, Nicky, I don’t want to lose you too.

  “We’ll figure something out,” Mom said. “We’ve been through worse.”

  Why does everything change in the blink of an eye?

  To teach us to appreciate what’s right in front of us.

  “I love you, Mom,” I murmured. I made sure to say it any chance I got, because she needed to know. I didn’t mean it. I’m so fucking sorry.

  “I love you too,” she replied kissing my cheek. There was gloominess in her eyes, as if she could read my thoughts. I wished I could brush it all away.

  I stood up to reach for a folder in one of the drawers. “And before I forget, there was also a notice from the superintendent of this building.”

  Her eyebrows knit together as I removed the white envelope. “What does it say?”

  “That there’ll be a new owner by the end of summer,” I replied, looking down at the official looking letter. “He says it shouldn’t affect our lease, but our rent might change.”

  She worried her lip as she glanced outside to the other storefronts along the strip, some of them long empty. But only a stone’s throw down the road, restaurants and bars were bustling in this area, which brought a younger crowd. “We’ll deal with it as it comes. And if we can’t keep up, then…”

  “What?” I asked, with too hopeful of a lilt in my voice.

  She stared hard at me. “We’ll figure something out.”

  “Sounds good,” I replied and jumped up to check the engraving machine. She didn’t need to see how my emotions were warring with each other. It was definitely difficult living for somebody else. But it was exactly what I deserved. One life sacrificed for another.

  My cell rang and as I reached for it I noticed it was Elijah calling me.

  “Just got back from the urgent care and they prescribed me some antibiotics.” He sounded awful but I wasn’t about to point it out again. “Guess I’ve got acute bronchitis, which can develop from the flu.”

  “That sucks,” I replied. “Do you need anything?”

  “Think I’m good. Just going to stay put over here,” he replied around a yawn. “Stewart is taking good care of me.”

  There was no doubt there. If Stewart was good at anything it was being up Elijah’s ass at all times. He had begun dating Stewart shortly after he moved in with me, so it wasn’t like I knew Elijah that well initially. But I’d never forget his enthusiasm and bubbly personality. I was drawn to his bright outlook immediately.

  Elijah had initially told me he wanted a roommate because he planned to cut back his hours at his job so he could take classes, but as far as I could tell, that had never come to fruition. Not that it was any of my business. Lots of plans changed in life—that was for certain.

  After I filled Mom in about Elijah, she leaned over and felt my forehead. “Only making sure you’re not co
ming down with anything too.”

  “Fingers crossed,” I replied and then lifted my cell. “I promised Brin I’d tell him what was up.”

  As if to give me some privacy, she pulled out some work files from her bag and began humming softly to herself while making notes.

  I studied the keypad for entirely too long. It felt strange to text him.

  I heard from Elijah, maybe you have too?

  Brin: I missed his call. What did he say?

  Me: He’s got bronchitis, is on antibiotics, and is going to stay at Stewart’s place another night.

  Brin: Damn, that’s rough. Shit, hope it’s not contagious.

  I grinned down at my phone, I couldn’t even help it. It felt nice to simply have a normal conversation with him. I felt Mom’s heavy gaze on me, so I responded with a quick TTYL and shoved my phone in my pocket.

  “So how’s your friend doing?” Mom asked. “That golden is adorable. And so is Brin. I’d kill for his gorgeous curls.”

  That statement almost made me choke on my own saliva.

  “Uh, yeah, he’s good. He’ll be moving back to his place soon and more than likely taking Tally with him.” I looked away, my cheeks suddenly heating up just as my heart lurched.

  Mom was silent for entirely too long and when I glanced up she was watching me with a strange look on her face.

  “What?” I asked, hoping she hadn’t caught the blush any thoughts about Brin seemed to bring on.

  “Nothing.” She shrugged and then began making notes again. “Sounds like it was a good thing the two of you have reconnected.”

  “Maybe,” I replied absently, trying like hell not to think about Brin naked in the bathtub with me. Christ.

  “He mentioned you cut his hair? Is that something you’re interested in, Nicky?”

  My spine straightened. I certainly didn’t want her feeling any guilt about her only living child. I’d shoulder anything I could for her. Anything.

  “As a hobby.” I fluttered my hand like it was no big thing. “I’ve taken a cosmetology class with Darren. Just for the heck of it.”

  Trying to avoid her searching eyes, I got busy on the engraving order across the room. But I could feel her gaze on me the entire time and it made my skin prickle. It felt like we were balancing on the threshold of our lives changing. Again. And it would take everything in my power to keep that train from derailing.

  The droning hum of the motor was strangely comforting. Nostalgic even. Thankfully, the machine my father had invested in shortly after I graduated high school was still holding up. It was old school, only offering ten different fonts and several clip-art figures, but newer laser etching machines were a pretty penny and required software to run it. If worse came to worse, I’d consider purchasing a used one down the line.

  About an hour later, I walked Mom to the door as she left for her first client appointment.

  “Nicky, I need to tell you something…” She bit her lip and studied her feet. “There’s no easy way, so here it is. I’m dating again.”

  My head sprang back in surprise. It wasn’t something I thought I’d ever hear from her. “That’s…good news.”

  “You think so?” she asked, studying me closely.

  “Of course. You deserve to go out and have some fun,” I replied even as I was flooded with an equal mix of worry as relief. “Is there somebody you’re interested in?”

  “I joined this site a few months back,” she replied and I needed to school my reaction. My mother was using a dating site? “I met someone and…I like him. So I’ll keep you posted?”

  “Sounds like a plan,” I replied, smiling. She breathed out as if reassured and waved goodbye. I stood at the door well after she got in her car and drove away, feeling the landscape of our lives shifting yet again. I was a fool to think I could do anything more to stop it.

  22

  Nick

  I searched through the refrigerator and cupboards, considering what staples we needed around the apartment this week, just as Brin and Tally came bustling through the door after work.

  When Brin let go of the leash, Tally barreled toward me and I bent down to pet her. “Hi, pretty girl. Did you have a good day?”

  When I lifted my head, Brin was watching me with a smirk on his face, probably because of the ridiculous baby voice I’d just used. Whatever, he could razz me all he wanted.

  “I’m heading to the grocery store,” I announced gesturing to the near empty pantry door I had left open. “Need anything?”

  He considered my question for several seconds. “I just got word that my place should be move-in ready by Friday, so...”

  “That’s good news,” I said with forced enthusiasm even though my chest felt tight and funny.

  “But I still need to eat. So um…how about I go along?” he asked in a hesitant voice. It felt so…domestic, but I quickly banished those ridiculous thoughts away. “Think it’d be okay to leave Tallulah here by herself?”

  “Should be all cool,” I replied, slipping into my sneakers and throwing on my blue ball cap. “We’ll be back in about an hour.”

  After Brin fed Tally and put her in his room on her pillow, we were off. We drove in my car this time around and were pretty efficient in the store. We bought mostly easy-prep items like bread and lunchmeat, eggs and milk, chicken breasts, fruit and salad ingredients, as well as Lean Cuisines and frozen pizzas.

  When we got back home, Tally was eagerly waiting by the door. A quick glance around the apartment before we put away the groceries revealed nothing out of place or chewed up by a growing puppy. “Good girl,” I cooed in her direction.

  Brin took Tally outside one last time for the night while I got busy making us turkey sandwiches with lettuce, tomatoes, provolone cheese, and mayo on whole grain bread.

  We sat in front of the television, mindlessly flipping through channels and eating our dinner, both of us exhausted from our day. After we finished, Brin grabbed my plate to place in the dishwasher and mentioned he wanted to jump in the shower before bed.

  “No bath for you?” I asked shifting my feet as Tally made herself comfortable on the floor near the couch.

  “Ha, ha,” he replied dryly and before turning the corner to the hallway, his gaze searched mine in a long look. I wanted to follow him, get beneath the warm spray and touch him again, but I was having trouble figuring out what this was between us or what he wanted from me.

  The idea of Brin moving out was sitting like a heavy stone in my stomach, which was sort of ridiculous because it wasn’t like he was leaving town. Still, my emotions were pretty raw and so close to the surface that it was better to leave well enough alone before I did or said anything I’d regret. “Good night.”

  At some point that evening I dreamed about Zoey, which didn’t surprise me, since I was feeling so edgy and defenseless against all of these intrusive thoughts and emotions that’d been bombarding me since Brin first arrived. It wasn’t Zoey’s birthday until next week or the anniversary of her death, but Dr. Penny would tell me my unconscious mind was still filled with hollow remorse all these years later, which manifested into nightmares.

  The first two years after her death were the absolute worst. The panic sitting right inside of my throat almost every single evening after the lights went out. If I shut my eyes for more than two to three hours a night without waking up in a sweat, it was progress. Therapy and meds had definitely helped but even now all of that regret was still spilling from my pores, probably always would, and somehow Brin had become some sort of trigger for everything I’d been burying deep inside my soul.

  In the dream, I kept reaching for my sister, attempting to keep her out of harm’s way, but it was no use. It was as if she were made of air and water, slippery in my grasp. Flustered and panicky I could hear myself whining her name over and over again. Zoey, I didn’t mean it. Oh God, I didn’t mean it.

  I must’ve been pretty vocal because next thing I knew, warm breath puffed against my ear and soft fur brushed
beneath my chin. Tally was in my bed, licking my cheek, and I startled awake.

  She nuzzled my neck as she lay down beside me and I was too bleary-eyed to care, so I slung an arm around her and fell back to sleep.

  I didn’t know how many minutes or hours went by before I heard Brin’s voice near the side of the bed, attempting to coax Tally down.

  When my eyes blinked open, he stood bare-chested in only his dark trunks against a slice of moonlight from the window bathing the room in a soft glow. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize she’d come in here.”

  “S’okay,” I replied in a groggy voice. “It’s nice to have a warm body beside me in bed.”

  When I realized how that sounded, my lids snapped wide open. He studied me, his face a mask of uncertainty.

  “Are you okay?” he asked in an uncertain voice. “It sounded like you were having a nightmare.”

  I lifted my hand, attempting to wipe the sleep from my eyes. “I dream about her sometimes.”

  “Your sister?” he asked as he inched closer.

  I squeezed my eyes shut. “Yeah.”

  “Damn,” he replied, probably at a loss for what to say. “Do you need anything?”

  My heart was thumping wildly as I deliberated his question. I kept my hands buried beneath the sheets, even though I was desperate to reach for him.

  “I shouldn’t ask,” I replied in a tight voice. But I felt so overwhelmingly lonesome in that singular moment. Lonely for him. For his warmth and smile and voice.

  “Just ask,” he whispered, his gaze fused to mine.

  After watching him for another long second, my fingers shook as I grappled for the corner of the cover and lifted it, silently inviting him into my bed.

  I heard a gasp as he took a step back, his breaths rushing from his lips. “I shouldn’t...”

  “S’okay. My bad,” I replied, mentally kicking myself for even thinking it was a good idea. “Feel free to leave Tally if you want.”