Regret (Under My Skin Book 1)

by Christina Lee

“My mom made you chicken noodle soup and I…” He inhaled a steady breath. “I hope it’s all right that I’m here. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  “I’ll be fine. Elijah gave all of us the black plague,” I said, stepping aside so he could enter my apartment. “Better make sure you’re not next.”

  “Eh, I could use some time off work,” he replied with a smirk and then looked me over from the top of my curls down to my bare feet. I self-consciously braced the back of my neck with my hand because I’d literally been lying in bed for days on end and I definitely had that crumpled look going on. “I know you’ve been sick, but you look great to me.”

  I felt my cheeks staining red from his compliment. “I’m actually feeling much better. Just dragging.”

  He stepped forward and tucked a curl behind my ear. His gentle touch made me shiver. Something else seemed different about him as well. It was his eyes—they were lighter somehow, the shadows momentarily lifted. He looked…almost hopeful and I prayed to the heavens that was a good sign.

  “Will you let me feed you some soup?” he asked as he removed the container and placed it on my counter.

  “You don’t have—”

  “I want to,” he replied as his gaze met mine and he seemed so earnest I practically swooned. “Please. Let me take care of you?”

  Shutting my eyes, I was afraid of the same scenario happening again. But maybe he wanted to talk, and hadn’t I offered to be a friend? I was too tired to think it through any further, it just felt so good to have him here.

  He walked to the kitchen and made himself at home while I sank into a stool at the island. I pointed out different shelves so he could pull out a bowl as well as a spoon. Then he fiddled around with my microwave. A couple of minutes later I had a steaming bowl of homemade soup in front of me.

  As I groaned with my first bite, his lips twitched and his gaze zeroed in on my mouth. I licked my lips for effect and his eyes became hooded. “Please thank your mom for me.”

  “I will,” he said, sitting down beside me as Tally made herself comfortable on the area rug behind us. “It was actually her idea that I come.”

  “Oh.” My shoulders drooped and my stomach pinched tight. He immediately noticed my recoil.

  “Let me finish?” he asked, his voice laced with determination.

  “Yeah, okay,” I replied, studying my spoon like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

  “Today was strange but also pretty great,” he said, looking wistful and since I had never heard his voice take on that tone, I paid closer attention.

  “So my mom actually has a boyfriend,” he sounded somewhat mystified and I could understand why.

  “Yeah?” I asked after slurping more of the noodles.

  He nodded. “His name is Jim and he brought his daughter and granddaughter. She was around Zoey’s age and seeing that light in my mom’s eyes again…damn, that was something.”

  He reached for my hand and interlaced our fingers. I squeezed our palms together, offering him support.

  “She asked about you at dinner and Elijah told her you were sick,” he said watching me. “And hearing that really upset me.”

  My gaze snapped to his. “It did?”

  He angled in his seat toward me. “Yeah, because I missed you and I didn’t know you were sick and I was worried about you.”

  I could feel my pulse pounding in my throat. “I’ve never felt this way about anybody before,” he whispered. “Only you.”

  “Me neither,” I whispered back, my heart thrashing noisily against my chest.

  He released a heavy breath and slanted his forehead against mine. His hand gripped my neck, forging our connection. It felt incredible to have his hands on me again, as well as hearing him acknowledge the very things I needed to hear.

  “I’ll breathe on you and get you sick,” I murmured as he moved his mouth closer.

  “I don’t give a fuck,” he replied and we stayed that way breathing the same sliver of air.

  “I’m sorry,” he said gripping my face. “Been feeling really lousy all week.”

  “Tell me about it,” I mumbled.

  “I read your text messages a million times and you were right. I was afraid you were going to look at me and see—”

  “A beautiful boy who’s giving and adorable and smart?” I said against his lips.

  He shut his eyes. “That’s not how I see myself.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I sighed. “Well I do and I wish that could be enough. But I know it’s way more complicated than that.”

  I wish I could comfort every bruised part you taught yourself to hate.

  I dragged myself away to get some space. Sliding from the stool, I took my bowl to the sink. “So you said it was your mom’s idea to come here?”

  “After dinner, we had a talk in the kitchen and she told me that I was just sort of existing.” He rose from his seat with a faraway look in his eyes, like he was recapping the conversation in his head. “That I owed it to Zoey and my dad to find some happiness…and I hadn’t really thought about it that way before.”

  Stepping forward, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into his warmth, and I couldn’t help but melt into his larger frame. It felt so damn good to have him here, to have him finally admit his life was way off course. But my heart had been aching for days and I didn’t want to get my hopes up again.

  “I don’t know how to do this,” he said against my throat. “How to be any other way except wracked with grief and guilt. But every time I imagine being without you, I can’t breathe.”

  He drew back to look at me and I could feel my pulse throbbing in my ears. “But I’m willing to try…if you still want me.”

  “Of course, I want you. I’ve always wanted you,” I rasped and my heart lodged so solidly in my throat that I coughed into his shirt.

  “Damn it, you’re still sick and I’m laying all this on you right now,” he said in a pained voice as he stepped back. “You should get back to bed and I should leave—”

  “Please don’t go,” I said, grasping onto this waist and hauling him against me. “I want you here…need you. Even though I smell ripe.”

  He chuckled and kissed the top of my head. “You could use a nice, hot bath.”

  “A bath, huh?” I asked and our eyes met. “I’m not too fond of them.”

  “Is that right?” he replied, his hands weaving through my curls. “Maybe I can change your mind.”

  He kissed my temple and then twisted toward the bathroom. Tally jumped up from her place on the rug and followed him inside.

  When I got to the door he was turning the knob on the bathtub faucet. “What are you doing?”

  “Taking care of you,” he replied before rummaging around in my linen closet. “Get undressed.”

  It was the same commanding voice that made my pulse quicken.

  “Only if you come in with me,” I demanded, already lifting off my shirt. I had never used my tub before but somehow I suspected that was about to change.

  “Hmmm…” he countered, unbuttoning his jeans. “I’d have to keep on my underwear.”

  “I promise to keep my hands to myself,” I quipped, recalling our first time together in the tub. Hot damn, that was something. The way he touched me made me crave his hands and mouth now. And though I was already sporting a semi, I’d peter out on him within five minutes flat.

  We have time, I told myself. He’s here and not going anywhere.

  After we shucked our clothes and looked our fill at each other, he stepped into the warm water first and then reached for me. I initially knelt with my back to him as he soaped me down and then turned so he could reach my front. We talked about Tally and work and his ideas about cutting hair professionally someday. He asked me about my parents and I told him about my relationship with my father, and fuck it felt so good to finally let my guard down and just be with him. Let him inside my world. And my heart.

  I bent my head forward as he soape
d my hair with the botanical shampoo I always used. “I can’t promise that I won’t get down on myself about things.”

  “Understood,” I replied as he doused my head with warm water using a plastic container he’d found in the cabinet beneath the sink. “Just promise to talk to me about it.”

  When he didn’t respond, I looked up, water rolling over my cheeks and down my chin.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, fear clawing up my throat that he’d changed his mind.

  He shook his head as if he could hardly speak. He leaned forward and cupped my chin, capturing my gaze in his. “You’re beautiful. And I’m so in love with you.”

  My heart tripped in my chest and tears pricked my eyes. As one of them spilled over my cheek, his thumb reached up to swipe it away.

  “I’m in love with you too,” I whispered and gathered his face in my hands. “Every single part of you. Even the darkest corners, where you doubt yourself the most. Do you believe me?”

  Eyes filling with tears, he nodded, and I dragged him closer, so that our mouths lined up.

  Chest to chest, heartbeat to heartbeat our kisses were painstakingly slow and toe-curling deep, and we stayed that way until the water in the tub turned lukewarm. He gripped my jaw, licked into my mouth, and sucked the water from my neck and collarbone until I was a shaky, panting, drowsy mess.

  Afterward, he put me to bed, wrapping me in his arms beneath the covers with Tally at our feet, and it was exactly the way I’d always dreamed.

  35

  Nick

  Warm breath, soft lips against my mouth, I hummed into Brin’s feathery kiss. Based on the light streaming through the blinds, the sun had only just come up, so by my estimation, Brin had slept on and off for a good ten hours.

  “Hmmmm, somebody’s feeling better.”

  I’d heard him roll out of bed a couple of hours earlier to take a leak and let the dog out. It was a federal holiday—a day of remembrance, which couldn’t be more incidental—we both had off, and it felt so damn good to have him in my arms all night.

  “Want to spend the day together?” he asked as his tongue swiped across my lips.

  “Sounds perfect. Come here,” I replied, wanting to feel the weight of his body on top of me, his heartbeat against mine. He’d ditched his shorts again after he’d climbed back into bed and fell into a soundless sleep.

  Dipping my tongue past his lips, I deepened the kiss, my fingers winding in his bright and unruly curls and holding him right against my mouth. Right where I’d always needed him.

  We kissed until our lips were tender, my hands exploring his smooth skin, rubbing over his waist and thighs as he leaked across my stomach. My fingers grasped his cheeks and split them open, my finger teasing his hole as he groaned into my mouth.

  “Fuck me, please,” he gasped and squirmed atop me.

  “Are you sure you’re feeling up to—”

  “Need you inside me,” he replied rutting against my groin, cranking me higher.

  Our eyes met and held. And fuck, if I didn’t need that too.

  He twisted away from my hold and reached for a condom and lube from his bedside table. I slid behind him on the sheets, wrapping my arms around his chest, my cock slipping along his crease. Feeling his warm and naked skin against me, hip to shoulders, nearly made me combust on the spot.

  “You feel so damn good,” I murmured against his neck.

  Fumbling with the wrapper, I ripped open the condom and rolled it down my length. Opening the lube, I doused my cock and two of my fingers so I could thrust them deep inside his hole. Gasping, he anchored his neck against my shoulder as he pushed his ass against my hand.

  “So greedy for me,” I whispered as I sucked on the tender spot between his neck and shoulder. I loved how he squirmed against the onslaught of my mouth and tongue. “Are you ready for my cock?”

  “Please,” he whimpered, fucking himself on my fingers.

  “Goddamn, that’s sexy.” I removed my digits and raised his knee toward his chin. As I pressed my shaft against his pucker, he moaned and grasped for the hand resting on his hip to lace our fingers together.

  When the head of my cock poked inside his hole, I clamped my jaw as my eyesight fuzzed. My pulse was going crazy, overwhelmed with the sensation of being inside his warm heat. I took a deep breath and surged forward again.

  “Fuck, that’s—” Brin arched his back, his nipples were standing at attention, and his fingers were trembling as he clutched at my hand. Our bodies were fused together, my heartbeat was drumming against his back, and I had never felt so connected to him.

  Rounding my hand over his hip, I stroked his cock, which was stiff and leaking. He groaned and bucked against me, completely caught up in the moment.

  Nostrils flaring, I pumped my hips in shallow thrusts, as small licks of electric heat ignited my spine. It was difficult not to wrangle for a different position and pound him into the mattress. Except I had this profound need to draw this out and feel everything with him—every breath, every gasp, every groan. I wanted this seared into my memory as the first time I was making love to the man I adored.

  But it proved difficult with Brin so goddamn tight and warm, like nothing I’d ever felt before. As if he were made for me and I couldn’t help wondering if all of my heartache had led to this moment—where it was only Brin and me— as flawlessly and perfectly in-tune as helplessly in love.

  A staggering emotion surged inside of me, overwhelming all of my senses.

  “I love you,” I confessed as my lips pressed against his ear. “So damn much.”

  He needed to know. Brin needed to know I would always cherish him too.

  “But I need to see you,” I pleaded in a throaty voice. “Need your eyes on me.”

  He groaned when I dragged my cock from his hole and helped him get adjusted to his back. But he kept his gaze on me, his eyes softening, his fingers reaching for my jaw.

  “Love you,” Brin sighed, completely blissed out. “Need you.”

  When his fingers brushed over my cheek, I turned my head to suck a finger between my lips and trace it with my tongue.

  Not wasting any more time, I hiked his knees to his shoulders and plunged back inside, stealing his breath along with mine in one solid surge.

  “Holy fuck,” I groaned, our flesh slapped together, as I drove inside Brin, my thrusts choppy, my pace demanding.

  Fingers tightening in the sheets, his sobs becoming hoarse. I forced his hips upward to deepen the angle. As I greedily watched his pink hole stretch around my shaft, he cried out, ribbons of come spurting across his stomach.

  His ass constricted almost painfully tight around my cock and there was no way I could hold back any longer. Light and heat danced around the corners of my eyes as I careened full speed over the cliff as well.

  Collapsing on top of him, I gasped into his neck, my cock throbbing, my body quivering. I feathered kisses along his throat and ear and jaw, all while murmuring his name. We lay tangled together in a sheen of sweat—panting and recouping in varying degrees.

  After I pulled out of him and disposed of the condom in a small trash can near the bed, I slid back under the sheets and drew him tightly against me, his back to my front. Our breaths were soft and steady against the stillness of the morning, and as hope sparked inside my chest, vibrant and incandescent, I had the fleeting thought that maybe it was meant to be this way. That Brin and I were fated to meet again and have a second chance at something that felt so profoundly right.

  36

  Brin

  It was surreal waking up with Nick in my bed and making love to him in the early morning hours. After we showered and changed, I noticed a missed call from my mom as my cell lay forgotten on the nightstand. I had been so wrapped up in Nick that it’d slipped my mind to let my mother know I was feeling better last night.

  Tally started barking the second there was a series of sharp knocks on my door. Nick was on the couch hovering over his phone and he froze, his gaze swingin
g to mine.

  “Honey?” I heard my mom’s voice from the hallway and then my father’s deep tone shushing her.

  “Shit, it’s my parents.” They rarely showed up unannounced so maybe Mom was concerned about me. “You cool with meeting them right now?”

  His eyes widened and he looked down at his clothes. He’d mentioned going home to change but that hadn’t happened yet. Not since we decided to shower together and I got down on my knees for him again. “Yeah, of course.”

  When I opened the door, Mom barged right in. “Brian, honey, why didn’t you answer—” Her words were cut short when she noticed Nick in my living room. He had stood up and taken a few steps toward the kitchen to greet my parents.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had company.” That was when she noticed my wet hair and bare chest. I had forgotten all about my shirt, which was folded over the barstool. I quickly reached for it and slipped it over my head.

  “I told you not to—” my dad said behind her and then his cheeks colored as he also noticed Nick standing in the room. Tally was whining at him, so Dad bent down to pet her which was probably a welcome distraction.

  I took a deep breath prepping myself for an introduction. But I couldn’t contain the goofy smile that creased my lips as I glanced back at Nick. When he responded in kind with his own crooked grin, my chest squeezed tight. “Mom and Dad, this is Nick.”

  “Pleased to meet you,” he said stepping forward to shake my mother’s hand as a knowing grin lined her lips. My parents were sure to remember the conversation about him in my kitchen several days back.

  I was most nervous about my father’s reaction, but he was gracious with my friends as always, gripping Nick’s hand and pumping twice. Maybe feeling he had some sort of connection with him based on our previous emotional discussion in my room.

  “We won’t stay because we’re due at a neighborhood cookout in a couple of hours, but I made you some breakfast, in case you were still laid up,” Mom said placing the sack down on the counter. “There should be enough for Nick as well.”