That thought was the only thing that made me feel remotely better as a human being as I climbed back into bed.
I never realized until now, just how hard I had become as a man. There was no fucking give in me. Funny that it took her coming back into my life for me to notice it.
I settled into my pillow and tried not to think about the woman just down the hallway. Did she know how much danger she was in being here under my roof?
Probably not! I don’t think if she knew, that she would stay. My emotions were running high from one moment to the next. I wanted to fuck her one minute and strangle her in the next.
Chapter 7
The next few days were chaotic. They’d decided to keep Mia in the hospital after all. Not because she was getting any sicker, the doctor was quick to reassure us, but because she was new to the hospital and they wanted to run as many tests as possible to be sure everyone was on the same page.
Some of those tests made my little girl weak and sick and it moved my heart that when she got that way she only wanted her daddy. She always made sure that her mother was around though, but she was fascinated with her dad.
I tried to fit five years into those first few days. I went into the office sparingly, choosing to spend my days at her bedside instead, even with her mother’s presence on the other side.
Alone at home at night, I pretty much ignored her and when every once in a while I would find myself feeling happy that she was here, I would cut that shit off quickly.
We moved around each other easily enough and she had lost that drawn look she’d had when she first came back.
That could be partly due to the fact that I’d stopped threatening her. I’d decided to put all my energy towards taking care of my little girl for now, and fuck everything else.
Though I’m sure she knew how I felt about her, since I ignored her ass like she wasn’t even there when we were alone. I don’t think I would ever stop hating her that was too much to ask, but for now she was catching a break.
Mia seemed to be adjusting well to her new surroundings and was none the wiser to the animosity between her parents. We were both always careful to keep our feelings to ourselves, which was just as well, because my daughter watches us like a hawk whenever we’re around.
Zania seemed tense most of the time when we left the condo, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that she seemed afraid somehow. It didn’t make sense though, so I didn’t make too big of a deal out of it. I put it off as just jitters due to our daughter’s condition and the fact that this was the last resort.
In the meantime, I was on the hunt for the perfect house, but I did most of that from Mia’s bedside, where the realtor would send me photos of the places we’d picked out online.
I showed Mia the pictures not letting on that I was searching for a place for her. If we were lucky, it would be her home until she grew up and made one of her own.
Her eyes lit up at this one monstrosity with turrets and gables and what looked like a hundred windows.
“You like that one?” She was resting back against me as I sat on her hospital bed with my arm wrapped around her.
“Yes daddy, that’s the prettiest. Does a princess live there daddy?” Each time she says the word it melts all over my heart. I don’t think I would ever grow tired of hearing that word coming from her little mouth.
“She will soon princess.” I kissed her hair as her mother looked at us with a mixture of longing and despair.
I’ve pretty much been ignoring her the last couple of days, only talking when it was absolutely necessary and only about our daughter.
The only time we were really together is when we were here at the hospital and I had warned her not to do or say anything that might upset my daughter or I’ll have her ass thrown out and banned.
Yes, I was still pissed the fuck off, and instead of waning with time, the shit just seemed to get worse as the days went by.
I couldn’t even look at her without wanting to choke the fuck out of her, and each time they stuck a needle in my kid and she cried, it was another nail in Zania’s fucking coffin.
“Mr. Helmsworth we have your results.” The doctor walked in with a folder in his hand. From the look on his face I didn’t think the news was going to be too good, and it was with a heavy heart that I slipped out from behind my daughter and walked over to him.
“Let’s go to my office, shall we?”
“Daddy, are you sick too?” I turned back to look at her and my heart hurt. It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be able to do this for her. I’m her dad I’m supposed to make things better.
Walking back over to her, I took that precious little face that looked so much like mine in my hands and kissed her forehead while the love welled up inside me.
I had the wayward thought as I did, that yes, I still knew how to love. “No princess, daddy’s not sick, I’ll be right back.”
Half an hour later, I was ready to choke the life out of him. “What do you mean I can’t help her? She’s my fucking kid.”
“Yes I understand sir, but sometimes that’s not enough.”
“Are you telling me that my fucking kid is going to die? Is that what the fuck you’re saying to me right now?”
I was starting to feel sick to my stomach and my world was spinning while my ears rang. For five seconds, I couldn’t make heads or tails of any one fucking thing.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying, it’s a setback and I understand your frustration, but...”
“No, you don’t understand my frustration, you couldn’t fucking possibly understand. Now find me someone who knows what the fuck they’re talking about and don’t waste my time. My kid is fucking dying as we speak.”
“Sir, there’s one more thing that we can try. It will take longer, but it’s the best chance she has, the only one she has left really.”
“Yeah? And what’s that?”
“If you and her mom have another child together. We can use that new baby’s bone marrow to save your daughter.”
“What in the fuck are you talking about?” Is he out of his fucking mind?
“It’s been done before, so we know that it works.”
Was he saying what I think he is? Then I remembered he was a doctor, of course he wasn’t.
“Are you talking about artificial insemination?”
“We can go that route yes, but you and your partner should discuss it and know that that doesn’t always work.”
From the look he gave me then, I knew what he was selling. Poor man, he couldn’t know that I’d just as soon shoot Zania as fuck her.
Then again, if it was the only way to save Mia, there wasn’t a fuck I wouldn’t do to achieve that.
“Give it to me straight. What’s the best way to do this?”
“Well, the natural way is always best...”
“Fine.” I got up and left the room. I didn’t think about anything else that was going on in my life, or what I was going to have to do, nothing.
I thought only of my daughter and saving her life, and hoped I had the patience to do what needed to be done.
Back in her room, I looked at her mother who was staring at me expectantly, but I wasn’t about to discuss this shit in front of Mia.
Walking to her bedside, I lifted her and sat her on my lap as I picked up the book to finish her story. Secretly, I needed the connection; my heart was breaking, but I knew if I gave into that emotion, that everything would derail. So I had to stay strong.
I stole as many kisses and hugs as I could without giving myself away, but I think Zania might’ve caught on, because I could see her struggle to hold back the tears.
When she stood suddenly and with a strangled voice announced that she’d be right back, I was sure.
I felt like a failure as I sat there holding my little girl. My mind wouldn’t leave me alone. I didn’t know if I should act like she was dying and fit as much living and loving into her little life for as long as she had left.
; Or fight with everything I had to get her another chance. The thing was, only one of those things I could control.
I realized that that was part of my problem. I couldn’t control this situation. The most important fucking thing in my life and I had no real say in the outcome.
But I sat there and laughed and smiled as we talked. When she started to wilt and fuss because she was tired, that’s when the worry really started to gnaw away at me.
Her mother still wasn’t back yet, and I was left alone with my thoughts. What I was about to embark on, is going to change my whole life.
It will answer one question for sure, the whole marriage deal between Camille and I, but I would’ve preferred another out.
I wasn’t looking forward to facing her and dealing with this mess, not now. I wanted to direct all my time and energy to my daughter and getting her better, but I had no doubt my decision was going to bring down a shit storm on my head.
So be it, come to think of it, none of that shit mattered. Whoever didn’t like it, could go fuck themselves. She’s mine and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her alive and safe.
As I sat there for the next few hours after her mother returned, I accepted that patience was going to have to be my new companion.
It’s hard trying to hide your own inner terror from your kid when she’s the one with the death sentence. But I gave it my best try.
I’m doing everything I can to keep things light and not let on that shit is fucked six ways from Sunday.
She’s having a good day, thank fuck; there’s no pain or fever. But I know that the hateful monster that’s fucking with her system is working even as I sit there wasting time, but I can’t do anything else, because my daughter’s awake and I’m not about to leave her alone with strangers.
“The doctor says we can take her home tomorrow.” I said the words softly as she nodded off against her mother’s chest.
We’d switched places about half an hour ago when she really started to droop.
At times like this, when Zania was playing the mother, it was hard to work up a good head of hate. She loved her so naturally it was plain to see.
As a logical man, I couldn’t figure out how the fuck she could hate me so much and yet bear so much love for my child. But what the fuck do I know? She’d fooled me after all hadn’t she?
We got our girl settled once she was asleep and after kissing her little mouth, it was time to go.
She didn’t even stir as I stood there looking down at her, willing her to be okay; so little to be bearing so much. I ran my fingers gently through her bangs before turning and walking away.
I waited until we were in the car alone to bring up my talk with the doctor. “It didn’t work, they can’t use my cells either.”
I said it quick even though now I’m wondering why the fuck I should try to soften the blow for her. I wasn’t given that much fucking courtesy from her.
Easy Cord, not now, put that shit aside for later, much later. In the passing light I saw the tracks of tears flowing down her cheeks and hated that they moved me even a little bit.
“Is she...?”
“No she’s not going to fucking die. There’s one last thing we can do.”
She dried her face and looked at me hopefully. “What’s that?”
“Give her a brother or sister that can save her life.” She didn’t say anything for the longest and I could see out the side of my eye that she was in deep thought.
“So does that mean we have to do those artificial insemination things?”
“We could go that route yes, but we’re not going to. No, we’re going to do this the old fashioned way.”
She started shaking her head but I cut her words off as soon as she opened her mouth to speak.
“There’s no debate here, I don’t give a fuck what your argument is at the end of it we’re still doing this. You don’t have to like it, I’m sure I won’t, but we’re fucking doing it.”
“But why can’t we do the artificial insemination? Wouldn’t that be easier since we both hate each other so much?” There was a new bite to her tone. Looks like she was gearing up to get her ass beat for fucking with me.
“One, because that shit would take too much time with the preparations and shit, two it’s against my religion and three, we made her without any trouble so I’m pretty sure we can do it again.
And just for the record, I’m not so sure you can call what I feel for you hate, I’d have to give a fuck about you one way or the other to feel anything that strong.”
I’m a prick but what the fuck do I care? I couldn’t help wondering if my daughter’s life would’ve been different had she always been here with me, which she would’ve been if her fuck of a mother hadn’t run off with her inside her.
“You can’t force me.”
“Listen you fucking...” I had to stop and take a deep breath before I did something that I’d regret. I can’t breed her and save Mia’s life if I chuck her ass out a moving car doing seventy-five on the highway.
“We’re doing this whether I have to force you or not. If I have to tie your ass to the bed until you breed so fucking be it. In fact I might prefer having to force you, I don’t think I could stomach another round of your lying ass pretending to like being under me.”
As mad as I was, even the thought of forcing myself on her was repugnant, but I had no doubt that if it came to that, to save my kid’s life, I would do that shit in a heartbeat. Fuck whoever didn’t agree. I’d like to see them think any differently if they were in the fucked up shoes she’d forced me to wear.
Back at the condo we were both uncomfortable but I pushed that shit aside. There was no room for emotion in this equation. It’s what was needed to do to handle the situation.
“Go take a shower and get ready for me.” I started heading for my own room to do the same but she called out to me.
“We can’t do this.” Walking back over to where she stood looking like she was ready to take flight any minute, I towered over her.
“The only reason I wouldn’t take you tonight is if you’re bleeding, and before you lie about that shit know that if I don’t believe you I will check for myself, so are you?”
Her face went up in flames. Like there was any part of her that I didn’t already fucking know.
In our short time together, I had gotten to know quite a bit about her. Because of the all- consuming love I’d borne her then, I had erased all barriers between us. There wasn’t anything I didn’t know about her body or the way it functioned.
When she didn’t answer me, I buried my fist in her hair and pulled her head back so that I could see into her lying eyes.
“Well are you?”
“This is not appropriate.” She tried getting away but I tightened my hold even pulling her in closer.
“Are you fucking shitting me? My kid’s life is at stake and you’re telling me about appropriate? I don’t care if you have ten fucking men waiting for you back in that fucking dump you call home, wouldn’t give a fuck if you were married to some fuck either.
To save her life, we are going to do what the fuck we need to do. Now take your ass in there, take a fucking shower and lay on the fucking bed naked until I get there.
Put on headphones, watch TV, I don’t give a fuck. And you better be in there or I’ll make you sorry you ever fucking crossed me.”
I stormed away from her, once again pissed way the fuck off. I don’t understand how she isn’t all over this fucking idea.
It shouldn’t matter how much she hates me, she should be willing to do whatever it takes to save Mia.
Even if I had been horrible to her in the past, which I hadn’t, she should still be willing to make the fucking sacrifice. After all I was; and I had more reason to hate her guts than she did mine.
I took a quick shower and gave the thought of a meal a quick once over in my mind before squashing it. I can eat later; the sooner I get started on this shit, the better.
I didn’t
bother getting dressed, just wrapped a towel around my waist and walked down the hall to the room where she was staying.
I released the breath I’d been holding when I saw her lying in bed with the sheets pulled all the way up to beneath her nose, her eyes wide with apprehension.
I have to admit to being a whole lot surprised at her quick acquiescence, but I should’ve held off on that thought.
Her hand came up and staved me off. “I’m only doing this for Mia...”
“Thanks for the speech but I’m really not interested.”
What the fuck did she think? That I wanted to get back inside her? I’d rather fuck an anaconda. But this was for Mia, only for Mia. And if my dick was harder than it had been since the last time with her, that didn’t mean anything.
I dropped the towel and climbed onto the bed. In the back of my mind I knew that I wasn’t being rational, that I should’ve given her more time, but I wasn’t feeling very rational at this point in time.
She had a death grip on the sheet, which I pulled from her hands. I didn’t want to look down at her body to feel that quick jolt I always did each time I’d unwrapped her in the past.
I kept my eyes focused somewhere above her head. “Relax, I’m not going to hurt you.” My words fell on deaf ears, but that didn’t waylay me. If she wanted to lie there like a piece of wood that was fine with me, I didn’t need her enjoyment to get the job done.
There was one thing I hadn’t given enough thought to though, I had to touch her, had to get her body ready to take mine, but I refuse to use my mouth on her.
Instead I eased my fingers inside her, one at a time; until she’d taken all three the way I’d taught her to.
My eyes flew to hers when she made that sweet little sound that had haunted my dreams on many a night.
Don’t you fucking do it! I wanted to scream those words at her but kept my tongue still as I tried to ignore her response.
Gritting my teeth against any kind of emotion, I worked her with my fingers while lowering my head to take her nipple into my mouth.
I still refused to look at her, even when I felt her soften beneath my touch. My cock was hard but that was to be expected, he’s dumb as a fucking stump and don’t know any better.
His Secret Child Page 6