The Road to Hope

by Rachael Johns

  ‘His GCS has dropped below nine. I’ll have to intubate him.’

  She grabbed the laryngoscope from the crash cart, flicked it open and handed it to him. ‘What size ET tube?’

  Tom’s eyes were fixed on locating Rat’s vocal cords. ‘Nine.’

  With trembling hands, she ripped open the packaging and slapped the tube into his hand, relieved they were steady, unlike her own. ‘I’ll draw up the saline for the cuff.’

  As she snapped the top off the ampoule, she vaguely registered a disturbance in the waiting room. Whitney’s voice pierced the air, screaming for someone to tell her what the hell was going on. There were other voices too—people trying to calm her—but Lauren didn’t take the time to try to identify them; instead she endeavoured to block them out, needing to focus all her energies on the task at hand. If she thought too much about her best friend or the new life in Whitney’s uterus, she’d lose it.

  ‘Lauren,’ Tom said quietly, breaking into her thoughts.

  She shook her head slightly and looked at him. She’d been working on autopilot, following directions in an almost trance-like state. ‘Yes, Dr Lewis.’

  He looked down at their patient—stabilised for now, but still very much in a critical condition—and then glanced towards the door that led out to the waiting room. ‘Mandy and I will be okay here.’ He also had a doctor from Charlie’s on the video cam if the situation worsened and he needed more specialist assistance before the emergency trauma doctor arrived. ‘And I think maybe you’d be more use out there.’

  Lauren swallowed. He wanted her to face Whitney? To look her best friend in the eye and tell her that her husband might not live to see their much-wanted baby born? That he might not even make it through the night? Goosebumps spread across her skin. ‘Are you sure?’

  He nodded. ‘You’re her best friend. You can offer more support than any of us.’

  She hadn’t been much of a best friend lately, but Tom couldn’t know the dark thoughts she’d harboured. Only a few days ago, she’d struggled to show any enthusiasm at Whitney’s joyful news. And now this had happened. How could she even look Whitney in the eye, never mind offer the sympathy and support she deserved? Guilt overwhelmed her and she knew she would do anything to make things right.

  ‘Okay.’ She nodded, unsure whether Tom wanted her out because he didn’t want to work with her, because he was worried about her closeness to their patient, or because he really thought she could do some good in the waiting area.

  Trying to calm her breathing, which was spiralling out of control, she turned away and went to the sink to wash and disinfect her hands. She needed the momentary pause to pull herself together, to ready herself for facing her friend in her darkest hour. And then, knowing she couldn’t put this horrendous task off any longer, she walked out into the waiting room.

  The wailing stopped when Whitney saw Lauren. A small crowd of Rats’ family and friends, including Flynn and Ellie, stood on either side. Lauren had barely closed the door behind her when Whitney launched herself towards her, grabbed her by the arms and shook, hard.

  ‘What’s going on in there? Lauren!’ Tears streamed down Whitney’s face. ‘You’ve gotta tell me. Is Rats okay?’

  She swallowed and all the colour left her friend’s face.

  ‘Oh my God.’ She dropped Lauren’s arms and covered her mouth with her hand. ‘He’s dead, isn’t he?’

  Rats’ mum gasped behind them.

  ‘No.’ Startled into action, Lauren somehow found strength she didn’t know she had. She wrapped her arms around her friend and pulled her close, hating herself for not being there for her during the excitement of the last couple of days. She desperately wanted to apologise, to tell Whitney that no matter what happened in her own life, she’d be a better friend in future. But now wasn’t the time, or the place.

  ‘He’s not dead,’ she said, speaking to Whitney but looking over her shoulder so the others could hear as well, ‘but he’s not good either.’

  ‘Damn.’ Flynn stepped forward. ‘Can you give us more of an idea about what’s going on?’

  Lauren nodded and gestured to the row of plastic chairs that sat in an L-shape around the perimeter of the waiting room. With her arm wrapped around Whitney’s shoulders, she ushered her to a seat in the middle and sat beside her. Flynn and Ellie sat on one side of them and Rats’ parents on the other.

  ‘As you know, he’s received trauma to the side of his head. We suspect internal bleeding, although this will be confirmed when he has a CT scan in Perth. Tom—Dr Lewis—is monitoring him closely, as there’s a worry about cerebral irritation in these situations.’ She realised they likely had no idea what that meant and although her head reeled with medical terminology, she tried to keep her information simple. ‘We’re waiting for the helicopter which will take him to Charlie’s. There they’ll assess him and decide if they need to operate to relieve any pressure on the brain. He’ll be in the best possible care.’

  ‘Oh, my darling boy.’ Rats’ mum turned to her husband and sobbed into his shoulder. Lauren wished she could offer some real comfort.

  ‘And they’ll be able to make him better?’ Whitney’s usually bright eyes looked anxiously at Lauren.

  She swallowed. She wanted to tell her friend that Rats would make a complete recovery but she wasn’t going to lie. ‘We’re doing all we can to make sure he comes through this, and he’ll be in the best hands in Perth, but it’s really too early to make that promise.’

  If Rats didn’t die, he might be permanently brain damaged. The best any of them could do now was pray for a miracle. Everyone sat in silence for a few moments digesting the news. Although Lauren kept her arm firmly around Whitney as she sobbed into her shoulder, inside her own body every organ shook. She’d been trying to be strong, to keep from crying because she was here in a professional capacity, but now that she was sitting among his family and friends, she felt all grip on her emotion slipping away. How would Whitney cope if Rats did die? She’d be a single mum, and although she’d have a whole town to support her, she wouldn’t have the one person she planned to spend the rest of her life with.

  Life didn’t come with a guarantee; it was a gift and that gift could be taken away at any moment. This thought had her staring at the door to the treatment room, thinking of Tom working hard behind it. She’d lost him because he was afraid of what the future held, but couldn’t he see, he didn’t know what would happen.

  ‘How long till the chopper arrives?’ Flynn’s question jolted her from her thoughts.

  She wiped her eyes with her free hand. ‘I’ll go check if we’ve had an update.’ She slipped her arm away from Whitney and let Ellie take over the comforting from the other side.

  ‘Thanks,’ Flynn said. ‘I’m thinking maybe some of us should head to Perth now, so we’ll be there when he arrives at the hospital.’

  ‘Not a bad idea. Let me see if I can get some more details.’

  Lauren slipped back into A&E. It was less hectic now. All the major preparation work for Rats’ trip to Perth had been done. Mandy wasn’t there—Lauren guessed she’d gone to check on their other patients—but Tom was standing beside Rats, monitoring his oxygen and checking his pupils.

  ‘Hey.’ He looked up and offered her a glum half-smile. ‘How’s Whitney?’

  ‘A mess.’

  He nodded. ‘And his parents?’

  ‘How do you think they are?’ Before he could respond to her outburst, Lauren asked, ‘What’s the ETA on the helicopter?’

  Tom looked to his watch, his face tight with anxiety. ‘It better be soon. Trent and Carol have already gone to the oval to wait for the paramedic and emergency doctor. They’ve got the Mannitol on the chopper, which Rats will need to help reduce the swelling of the brain so he can cope with the transfer.’

  She wrung her hands. ‘Will he need burr holes?’

  ‘It’s a possibility.’

  The thought of having to explain to Whitney that a neurosurgeon might ne
ed to drill into her husband’s skull to relieve the pressure made her gag.

  ‘Thanks.’ She forced a professional smile. ‘I’ll go give them the news.’

  Lauren didn’t feel quite so uneasy about heading out into the waiting room to face everyone a second time.

  ‘How’s Rats?’ Whitney and his mother demanded at the same moment.

  ‘He’s still the same,’ Lauren assured them, ‘and the helicopter will be landing any moment. The flight will take just over an hour, but there’ll be time at this end to ensure Rats’ journey is as smooth as possible, so if you go now, you might arrive not long after he does.’

  ‘I want to see him now,’ Whitney cried.

  ‘Okay, but let me just check with Dr Lewis.’ She stepped back inside to inform Tom of Whitney’s request and then returned. ‘You can see him quickly, but only you and immediate family.’ She looked apologetically to Flynn, Ellie and Rats’ sisters as she ushered Whitney and Rats’ parents into the emergency room.

  ‘Rats!’ The moment the door was opened, Whitney ran across the room and threw herself at her husband. Tom caught her in the nick of time, holding her back firmly.

  ‘You can talk to him, Whitney, and hold his hand, but that’s it,’ he said.

  Tears streaming down her face, Whitney relaxed in Tom’s arms and nodded. ‘Okay.’

  Staring down at her motionless husband, with Tom standing close behind her, Whitney scooped up Rats’ hand and kissed it. His parents stood on the other side of the bed, his mother clutching her son’s other hand in much the same way as Whitney did. Tears flowed freely.

  Ignoring each other and the people around them, Whitney let lose a string of sweet nothings, interspersed with demands that he come back to her this instant.

  On the other side of the bed, Rats’ mother prayed. ‘Dear God, please look after my baby. I’ll do anything, anything, for you to bring him back to me.’ She looked to her husband. ‘John, he’s too young to die.’

  ‘I know, honey.’ John O’Donnell—the typical strong, silent farmer—enveloped his wife in his arms and sobbed. In the course of her career, Lauren had witnessed a lot of disturbing scenes, but this one was up there. It made her feel so utterly helpless.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ Tom spoke loudly to be heard over the sorrow. ‘The helicopter has landed and the ambulance is on its way back with the emergency team. I’m going to have to ask you all to leave so we can get Jordan on his way.’

  ‘Of course.’ John sniffed and wiped his eyes on the cuff of his blue chambray shirt. ‘Come on love. Come on Whitney.’

  Needing to assist Tom and the emergency crew, Lauren let John lead the two distraught women back into the waiting room. She wasn’t alone with Tom for long before the ambulance arrived and everything got crazy again.

  When Tom first announced his plans for travelling around Australia as a locum doctor, most of his colleagues in Adelaide had thought he was having some sort of midlife crisis and that he’d return within a couple of weeks, bored out of his brains. They’d been right about the crisis, but not about the monotony of working as a small town GP. He hadn’t had such variety in work since his early days as a registrar on rotation.

  Hoping like hell he’d done good by Rats, Tom travelled to the oval in the ambulance with the emergency team. The sound of the chopper had brought the town out in droves. One of the local cops played traffic controller as he ushered kids on bikes and people walking dogs out of the way so the ambulance could get through.

  Tom would probably have recognised half the onlookers as people who’d visited him at the surgery, but he didn’t register anyone; he was too focused on Rats, a young married man with his whole life ahead of him.

  He recalled Whitney’s stricken look when she’d seen him, and that led his thoughts straight to Lauren. She’d held herself together in A&E, but he could tell how much the situation had affected her—her face had been puffy with the effort not to cry and her breathing had been far from steady. Whitney had already left for Perth with Flynn, Ellie and Rats’ family, so who did that leave to comfort Lauren? She’d need someone to talk to after the trauma of having to nurse someone she was close to, but formal counselling could take a few days to set up.

  These thoughts plagued him as he saw Rats into the helicopter and watched it soar up into the sky. He told himself he was only worried about her in a purely professional capacity, but that was a load of bollocks and he knew it.

  He’d hurt Lauren, and now she had this to deal with. He didn’t know whether she’d appreciate his concern, but he wouldn’t be able to sleep that night if he didn’t at least attempt to get her to talk.

  ‘You guys were awesome today,’ he told the two volunteer ambulance officers when they dropped him back at the hospital. ‘I’ll let you know as soon as I hear anything about Rats.’

  ‘Thanks Dr Lewis,’ they said in unison.

  With a brief wave at the departing van, Tom marched into the hospital. He ran straight into Steve, who’d been at a meeting in a nearby town all afternoon.

  ‘Tom. I’ve just heard the news. Man.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m so sorry I wasn’t here.’

  ‘It’s all right. We handled it and now it’s over to Charlie’s to do their best.’ He didn’t want Steve to see how much this afternoon’s emergency had also affected him. Seeing someone so young and healthy on the verge of unexpected death had rocked him. It had made him face the fact that life wasn’t always certain. Even with science and the ability to predict future ailments, you could never guarantee what each day would bring.

  And suddenly it all started coming back to him. ‘Shit.’ He shoved his hand through his already messy hair. He’d been running since he’d received his test results, with the knowledge his dad might not recognise him if he stayed away too long, but now he realised anything could happen. His dad could have a heart attack, or his mum. He could crash his car and wind up like Rats, and it’d be too late to let his parents or his sisters or anyone know how he truly felt about them. It’d be too late to tell Lauren what she meant to him.

  ‘Tom? Are you okay?’ Steve laid his hand on his arm but he barely felt the touch.

  ‘Is Lauren still around?’

  Steve shook his head. ‘She’s gone home. We were supposed to have her going away drinks tonight, but I think we’d better cancel, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes. That’s a good idea.’ As if she’d want to celebrate new beginnings with the prospect of Rats’ death haunting her. ‘I’m going to go check on her.’

  ‘Ah…good man.’ Steve patted him on the shoulder. ‘I probably should myself but I’ve got a lot of paperwork to get through.’

  Fuck paperwork. Tom had an endless amount himself to document Rats’ accident and their treatment of his injuries, but he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on any of it until he’d checked on Lauren.

  Right now he couldn’t think of anything more important than that. As he charged out of the hospital and drove towards Lauren’s place, it struck him that she might have decided to follow Whitney to Perth. His heart jammed in his throat at this possibility. After everything she’d been through in the last few hours, she was in no fit state to travel alone, never mind drive. And he couldn’t bear the thought of something happening to her.

  He took the few streets to her place as fast as was legally possible and exhaled the breath he’d been holding since the hospital when he saw her car sitting at the top of the driveway. ‘Thank God.’ He leapt from the ute and slammed the door behind him.

  As he held his finger down on the doorbell, he wished to God he still had his key. It felt like forever before she finally peeled back the door.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he breathed, raking his gaze down her body without thinking what kind of message that might give. It was instinct when she was near. She was wearing black shorts and a pink tank top, her hair had been pulled back in a scruffy ponytail, and although her eyes were red from crying, her natural beauty took his breath away.

  ‘What are y
ou doing here?’ She looked set to slam the door in her face, so he stuck his foot out to stop her.

  ‘I wanted to check how you were. That was a pretty stressful afternoon we just had.’

  She raised an eyebrow in obvious disdain. ‘What do you care whether I’m okay or not?’

  Her harsh words went straight to his heart, piercing him there. ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ he said.

  ‘You’re just here to make yourself feel better,’ she spat. ‘But I haven’t got time for that. I need to get to Perth. To my friends. I need to—’

  ‘Lauren, of course I care.’ He put his hand against the doorframe and looked right into her eyes. ‘I care about you more than I’ve ever cared about anyone in my life. Why do you think I moved out? Because I don’t trust myself around you and I don’t want to be the one to ruin your life.’

  She opened the door a fraction. ‘So you’ve said, but you know what I think?’

  His heart clenched as he waited for her to tell him.

  ‘My best friend might lose the love of her life tonight. If not, he could be irrevocably changed and she’ll have to look after him for the rest of their lives. And she will because she loves him and she wouldn’t want anyone else in the world in that role.’ She leaned forward, punctuating her words with jabs of a finger as she got right up in his face. ‘And what about Alf and Nancy? Do you think Alf would have sacrificed the fifty good years they had together if he’d known how it was all going to end?’

  Tears streamed down her face as she laid her heart on the line again.

  ‘But you won’t even give us a chance,’ she continued. ‘For fuck’s sake, I’m not some teenager who can’t be trusted with her own heart. I’d be going in with my eyes wide open. I know there might be hardships ahead, but what relationship doesn’t have them? And who’s to say I’ll live long enough to see you succumb to Alzheimer’s? Maybe I’ll die of cancer first. Maybe I’ll get hit by a bus. Maybe I’ll get my first bee sting and discover I’m allergic. Life is uncertain, Tom, but the thing I know more than anything is that I love you. If that’s not enough, I don’t know what is.’