Harris Channing

by In Sarah's Shadow

  Realization soaked him in dread. Why had he allowed grief to rob him of five years? He had been a decorated soldier, for God sake. And he had allowed guilt to become the center of his life!

  He pulled open the cabin door and slammed it behind him. Guilt, he finally accepted that didn't truly belong to him. Yes, he should regret his decisions, but Bobbie was right. He wasn't wholly responsible for what had happened to Sarah. The only thing he was truly responsible for was her unhappiness. And he had had every intention of rectifying that.

  "Is the babe mine?" he said through gritted teeth. "Tell me there's no chance the child you carry belongs to another."

  "I-I can't be sure, David. Please forgive me. It was the loneliness that made me do it. Reg was here while you spent countless hours in the mine."

  "I did that to fill our bank so we could leave come spring! I told you that. How could you betray me? How?"

  "Please." Sarah's sobs echoed through his mind. "I love only you."

  "Who's next to fill your bed? For it will not be me. As for the child, when he is born we will see if we can sort out this mess…but regardless, we are through."

  She reached out to him, her hands warm on his arms. "Please, don't leave me. I love you, I truly love you. What you witnessed was my saying goodbye to Reg. You have to believe me, it was a fleeting affair. One that I will regret to my dying breath."

  He pushed away, the proximity of her body leaving his heart broken and mind filling with bitter angst. "I will not leave you or desert a child that could be mine. But I no longer consider you my wife."

  "Where are you going? We need to talk more. You need to hear my side. It wasn't like Reg and I were involved long. Just the one time, I swear and it was while you were at the mine for three days without coming home." She reached up and grabbed the sides of her head, her raven hair cascading through her splayed fingers.

  "There was no stopping you from walking the half mile to the mine to see me. I would have welcomed your companionship and possibly your help."

  "David, I felt unimportant, overlooked."

  His ire surged. "Everything I do is for you, Sarah. Don't you know how much I loved you?"

  "Loved?" she said, her lips aquiver as her tears sped from her eyes. "Are you saying you don't love me anymore?"

  "I'm going to the post. Perhaps Henry has some idea as how to get you off the mountain and into Colorado Springs. I'll hire someone to see you to Tennessee."

  "David, please…"

  "Please what? Forgive you for your infidelity? If I do I may very well have to do it again and again. You are proven liar, Sarah."

  "And what about you?"

  He cocked a brow. "What about me? I have been faithful to you…was faithful to you even when I believed you were engaged to Jasper."

  Her sorrow turned to anger. "You give me all I want…but never all I need."

  "And what do you need that I don't provide?"

  "Someone to listen to me…"

  Opening the door, he stepped out into the bright sunshine. The last words between them spoken, and the true reason for his guilt discovered.

  If only he had stayed to listen to what she had to say, perhaps her death wouldn't have occurred.

  Slouching on the bed, he covered his face with his hands and for the first time since finding her lifeless body, he allowed himself to shed true, honest tears. "Forgive me, Sarah. I should have listened."

  Chapter 15

  "Do you realize it's been near two weeks since I had a drink?"

  She looked up at him from her sewing. She'd have britches and not have to ruin anything that belonged to Sarah. Scraps of her old clothing and quilting squares would work just fine and in no time she'd be able to rush through the snow and not worry about her hem. Being fashionable was stupid if you lived in a place like this. The notion that one needed finery when there was so much to do was irritating and out right crazy.

  "I suppose I should get moving," he said from his seat before the fire. "The sun is up and Ned will be wanting his breakfast."

  "Do you want anything? I've porridge in the pot and I can make some coffee."

  "That would be nice, but when you're done sewing. If you don't mind my asking, what are you working so hard on?"

  She shrugged. "Pants. I need pants."

  "A gal in britches, huh?"

  "And why not?" She hated the curt tone she seemed to have in her voice whenever she spoke to him now. But what was she supposed to do? Pretend to herself that she wasn't worried that'd he snap and once again make her wonder if he was a murderer?

  "Just never met a woman in pants before."

  "We'll, I'm not your typical woman," she said, shifting, the straw mattress crackling beneath her.

  "No," he said pushing back in his rocking chair and warming his stockinged feet by the fire. "That's true enough."

  She wanted to ask him just what he meant but she remained quiet. It did no good to rile a bear whether he was drunk or sober. And she didn't suppose he was drunk when he pinned Sarah to the wall. If that anger was the last thing Sarah saw, she felt sorrier for the woman.

  Even now if she closed her eyes, she could see his hateful glare. It was unnerving and frightening and when spring came, she'd be gone. The only reason she didn't leave now was because the options were nil. Reg Crocker's offer would be like taking shelter in a den of vipers. At least David was fine when he wasn't delusional, angry or drunk.

  The silence between them grew. But it wasn't really a bad thing. No, she decided. It was better to be quiet than shouting or kissing or any of the things they'd done before his forced sobriety.

  Well, not the kissing. He was a master at that and despite her worry and fear, she knew the tenderness and the passion he was capable of. If only she didn't know of his abuse. If only their relationship had grown stronger rather than dissolving. Just the thought of his lips pressed to hers wracked her mind with confusion and her lonely body with arousal. Stop that, her mind shouted.

  "I've got enough nails and lumber to fix Ned's stall, and I'm thinking I'd like to repair the extra stalls while I'm at it. I reckon they need some attention, too."

  "Is that what you want to do today?" She bit her lip, wishing she didn't sound like such a harridan when she spoke. But he drove her to distraction with his very presence!

  "Yeah, I think so." An edge now entered his voice and she didn't blame him for his irritation. Of course, if he had an inkling of what she suspected him capable of, he'd really be bitter.

  "Do you need any help with that?" she asked, her attention once again fixed on her sewing.

  "Can you drive a nail?" His tone spoke of his impatience and her stomach flip-flopped. Yes, she understood his angst but all she really wanted was peace with no arguments and no tension.

  "Of course I can. I can do lots of things."

  He grunted. "I suppose I can help you clear the ceiling even though I'm not much for cleaning. You did say you wanted to do that, didn't you?"

  She glanced upward, the filth a bother she tried not to dwell upon. Cobwebs draped themselves across rough hewn beams and time decorated them with dust that created a wispy mess.

  "Yes," she responded. "The only good thing is the spiders that made the original webs are long since gone." Just the thought of the army of eight-legged creatures that worked to create the masterpiece had her skin crawling. Spiders, snakes and centipedes…they all bothered her usually unflappable constitution.

  With a sigh, he rose from his chair, making his way toward her. Instead of looking at him, she feigned interest in her needle. He stopped at the foot of the bed, his shadow making it impossible for her to see well enough to continue her stitching.

  "Roberta, won't you look at me?" His voice took on a stern quality that had her feeling like a naughty child. But if she looked at him, all the doors she fought to keep closed would fly open.

  "I-I'm busy just now."

  He lowered himself on the edge of the mattress. "I will only apologize one more time
for whatever it is I did or said." He gently squeezed her fingers and completely broke her unsteady concentration.

  His touch sent a jolt of awareness throughout her body and finally, she grudgingly looked at him. She made no attempt to pull free, for the truth was, she needed his touch and she hated herself for it. Hated herself for her weakness. He was no better than a spider for he too disturbed the natural strength she always supposed she possessed.

  A smile touched his lips and his eyes crinkled with a sincerity that had her icy heart melting. "I am sorry, Bobbie. I will never do anything to hurt you again. I-I care about you--"

  "David," she interrupted. "Let it lie, all right?"

  He caressed her wrist and taking up her hand, rested it atop his chest. She could have easily pierced his flesh with the needle she held between her thumb and forefinger, yet she made no attempt at escape. The steady beat of his heart beneath her touch mesmerized her and sent pulsing heat into the deepest recesses of her body.

  "I will, but only after you tell me you forgive me my indiscretion."

  "I don't know if I can," she said, wishing with all she had that forgiveness would ease her concern.

  He dropped her hand and stared into her eyes. "I didn't…I mean I think I would know if I had forced myself upon you." He gnawed on his lower lip, the glint in his eyes evaporating. "I didn't physically harm you, did I?"

  She held his gazed for as long as she could before finally looking away. "No, you did not. Truly David, I'm fine."

  Standing, she knew she had to get away. That she needed to be free of the warmth of his body and the intensity of his touch. One more plea from his sensual lips and she'd weaken and then what would be come of her? She would be lost to a man who she could not trust.

  She grabbed her coat off the hook by the door but he followed close behind, stopping and trapping her with the bulk of his massive frame. She stood her ground, not daring to face him. For she knew herself well enough to realize her worries would melt in the heat of his stare.

  His hand came to rest upon her shoulder and she closed her eyes at the gentleness of his caress. Her heart hammered in her breast. Did she dare forgive him? Did she dare let all her concerns go in the hopes that her first instincts about the man had been correct? She swallowed hard the lump that choked her. It would be so easy to let go, to accept that he was indeed incapable of murdering Sarah.

  She braced herself to turn just as his hand slid from her shoulder.

  "I'm going to work outside," he said. "If you want to help, you're more than welcome." At the icy tone in his voice the moment of forgiveness fled and once again her unease flared to life.

  ***

  How could he get through to her? How? She had shut down and damnation he was not a patient man.

  Fastening the buttons on his coat he marched along the muddy slush and ice toward the stable. Ned needed feeding, the stable cleaning and the boards repaired. Yes, he would see the place shiny, he would see the pantry filled, he would be the man he had been. Then perhaps Roberta Shallcross would trust him again.

  With his eyes narrowed against the stark white snow, he glanced up the mountainside, his gaze focused on the desolate wooden cross peaking over the top of a drift. Sarah. It was time he visited her. High time.

  His heart ached as he trudged toward the marker. He had missed her, mourned her, loved her and forgiven her for everything. But forgetting what she had done? He couldn't yet, but it was getting easier. He turned his head and looked back at the cabin. Smoke curled from the chimney, but the fire that caused it was not the only warmth he found there…or used to. Roberta, he determined, was not going to turn her back on him without a fight.

  He had forgiven Sarah and she didn't respect him for it. She thought the hardest thing he had ever done showed weakness! Weakness indeed! It took all his strength, every lesson he had learned from the Bible, everything in him not to wrench his brother's head off, not to take a strap to Sarah's hide and string up Reg Crocker from the lowest branch of the tallest tree in the wood.

  "You did nothing! Jasper molested me and you didn't fight for me, for us!"

  "Jesus Christ, Sarah! He asked you to marry him and with tears in your eyes you said you would."

  "Tears of sorrow, had you only come in, everything would have been different." Her pale face flushed red. "You claim to have forgiven me my sin and yet every time I displease you, you toss anger back at me two-fold. How are we supposed to move on without trust?" She leaned back in the parlor chair her face turned toward the window that overlooked her father's garden.

  "I want to trust you Sarah, but…"

  She jerked her attention from the view and glared at him, a single tear running down her cheek. "But it's difficult when the woman you love is a harlot?"

  "I don't think that." Shame washed over him and he determined then and there that he would trust her. What choice did he have? He loved her and without her he knew there would be no happiness for him.

  "All right, I will try to curb my tongue as long as you never do anything to betray me again."

  How readily she agreed to his terms and how foolish he had been to make them. Reaching the wooden cross, he brushed the snow away until a small circle of rock met his wool clad fingers.

  Closing his eyes he envisioned her beneath his touch. He shivered at the thought of how cold she must be planted so deep in the earth. And God knew she hated the cold. Hated everything about Colorado.

  "I'm sorry I've not been sooner. The guilt kept me away."

  He lowered himself to his knees and sat with the wind pushing at his back and the snow leeching into his woolen trousers. Less than a month ago all he wanted to do was be buried at her side and now everything had changed. He wanted to live and laugh again and find joy in merely existing.

  "Please forgive me for not listening to you. For not hearing your cries of misery. Stiff-necked pride kept me from doing what needed to be done." He straightened the deteriorating wooden cross wishing there was a better way to mark the spot that claimed her. Perhaps come spring he would fashion a pile of stones for her as he would for Roberta's kin. "I'm just sorry you're not alive to see that I am capable of change."

  He didn't know how long he sat there but the wind burned his face and small bits of ice clung to his mustache when he finally stood on stiff, aching knees. "Goodbye, Sarah. I will always love you and try to never think ill of you again." He touched the cross once more before heading for home.

  ***

  Bobbie pulled her coat tight around her and stared up at the sacred spot where David knelt. His hand rested atop the small, crooked cross.

  She drew in a sharp breath as unexpected jealousy surged within her. Stepping back, she leaned against the front of the cabin and out of view. One moment she believed him capable of murder and the next she was so envious of a dead woman that the only way she could possibly rid herself of the bitter bile was with a hammer!

  "Honestly, Roberta," she mumbled through pinched lips. "What is the matter with you? He can't be both a loving man and a murderer, can he?"

  Hitching up her skirt, she slogged through the mud and ice toward the stable and left the question unanswered. For she had no clue how to answer it. No would be the simple way, but would leave her unconvinced. And yes, well, that was a revelation she refused to accept.

  Reaching the stall, she offered Ned a scratch to his forehead and with his nose hanging over the door, he nudged her. The beast's playful nature brought a welcome smile to her lips and she momentarily allowed her worries to rest.

  "You're a good boy."

  At the sound of David's boots hitting the hard packed stable entrance, she turned toward him, every inch of her aware of his arrival. Her gaze slid over him and the jealousy she felt eased into an ache that no hammer could cure.

  He stood in silhouette against the stark white of the sunlit landscape. Strong and healthy and sober, he once again had her wishing she could forget that night he first gave up the drink.

  Ling
ering at the entrance, he stuffed his hands in his coat pockets. "Bobbie..."

  His voice trailed off and the dire tone had her fearing that something was wrong.

  Her heart thundered in her chest. Was he reverting to the miserable man she had first met? Did he want to go running to the trading post for a drink? Or worse, was he going to confess that he indeed was culpable in Sarah's death? That he had choked the life out of the woman he loved in a fit of jealousy.

  "What is it, David?" Her voice quivered as she faced him.

  "Sarah and I weren't happy together."

  She didn't reply to his blunt admission, just continued to look at him, waiting for him to say something more. All the while her stomach ached with worry.

  "She was unfaithful to me and I blame myself because I never considered her feelings about staying here."

  "You don't have to tell me these things. They're really of no concern to me."

  He marched toward her, and set his hand upon her shoulder. "You cut me to the quick, Roberta. Have your feelings for me so completely dissolved that you cannot give me just a little peek at your once generous heart?"

  Shrugging free of his touch, she turned from him not wanting him to see how very conflicted she was. How very much she wanted to fall back into the way things had been. How she wanted him to kiss her and touch and love her. But how could she, when her suspicions made it so hellishly impossible.

  He did not cease his attempts at communication and stepped so close, she could feel his warm breath, her skin sparking to life at the nearness of his body. Why did he have to have such power over her? Why was she always teetering on the edge of forgetting her worry?

  Again he touched her, this time his large hands sliding around her waist. She closed her eyes, allowing herself just a moment of pleasure. Just a small bit of the contact she craved. He set his lips to her ear. "Come back to me, sweet. I have so much I want to give to you."

  Slowly, as if in a trance, she turned, his countenance filled with a passion that threatened to buckle her knees. She met his gaze, the spark of desire flaming to life low in her belly. Just one kiss. That was all. Just a single moment of reprieve.