Never Slow Dance with a Zombie

by E. Van Lowe

  I moved to his dresser, found his hairbrush, and yanked out the hairs snagged between the bristles. I folded them into a slip of paper and put it in my purse. Now all 1 had to do was stop by the bathroom on my way downstairs and grab bis toothbrush.

  I was starting for the door when I noticed something on his bed. It was a button--one of those photo buttons you have made at carnivals. I moved to his bed, picked it up, and stared at the photo. Dirk and Amanda Culpepper stared back, it had obviously been taken at the carnival before everyone became zombies. My heart skipped. Dirk looked so happy. How could anybody be happy dating Amanda? I told myself it was too early in their relationship for him to know what a cow she was. Amanda's eyes burned defiance at me. It was as if she were saying, See how happy he is with me? Hell never be that happy with you.

  Suddenly I felt I didn't belong there. It was like the air was being sucked from the room and I needed to get out or I'd never breathe again. I stuffed the button into my purse and hurried out.

  As I stepped from the room into the corridor an icy zombie

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  hand sprang from nowhere and seized me by the throat. I tried to scream, but the vise-like grip pressed against my windpipe.

  "Hhhhh." The grip tightened, stilling whatever sound I was trying to make. I wriggled and writhed in an attempt to break free, but it was no use. The zombie had the strength often men.

  I'd gotten careless. I knew better than to step into an empty corridor when zombies were around. I'd given my meat scraps to Sybil, and the walkie-talkie in my purse was useless since I couldn't scream. The end was near. I gasped and sputtered as my air supply dwindled. A thick fog settled over my mind, blanketing my thoughts. One thought was clear, though. In a moment I'd be dead.

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  Chapter Twenty - one

  As the light of life drained out of me, Amanda's face drifted up through the fog. It was the face on the button, burning defiance. The face came to life and laughed at me. "Poor, pathetic Margot. I'll miss your designated dodging." At that moment putrid zombie breath wafted up my nostrils, and the very real face of Dirk's sister came into view. She had once been a teenybopper with freckles and a close-cropped haircut she'd probably seen on one of her idols in Teen People magazine. Now she was a zombie.

  And she was about to bite me.

  I marshaled what strength I had left and swung with all my might. In my excitement over visiting Dirk's home I'd forgotten to give the bouquet of flowers to his mother. Good thing. The flowers now hit Dirk's sister in the face just as her teeth were about to make contact. She bit down hard, but instead of flesh she got a mouthful of thorny stems. Her jagged teeth cut through the bouquet like butter. Caarunchh!

  The mouthful of flowers surprised her, and she eased her grip on my windpipe. Air and lucidity rushed in.

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  I yanked away and raced down the hall.

  "Weeeeeeeoooo," she cried as she staggered after me. I was at the landing when I remembered my mission: Dirk's toothbrush. I turned back and zipped up the corridor toward her. I dodged as she reached for me. After all, I was the designated dodger. I could dodge a soft rubber ball hurtling toward my head at fifty miles an hour. A slow-moving, teenybopper zombie was no match for me.

  I ducked into the bathroom and slammed and latched the door behind me.

  Kathump. The dead weight of Dirk's sister's body crashed into the door.

  I moved to the counter. There were four toothbrushes on the rack. Finding Dirk's was going to be tough.

  Kathump.

  The ones that had been rinsed thoroughly after use belonged to the parents. That part was easy, but two gunky brushes remained.

  Kathump.

  One blue, one green. No giveaway there. I picked each up and examined it, slowly turning the brushes over in my hand.

  Kathump.

  Just then the walkie-talkie squealed. "Margot, we gotta go," came Baron's urgent voice. "Daddy didn't like the pot roast. He'd rather have Milton."

  Kathump.

  "I'll meet you at the front door. If I'm not there in thirty seconds make sure you leave it open," 1 called into the walkie.

  "Ten-four."

  At the tip of the green brush I spied aging flakes of red nail polish. Dirk's sister had used the polish to mark her brush.

  Kathump.

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  I stuffed Dirk's blue toothbrush into my purse and quickly moved to the door. Three-two-one. I yanked it open just as Dirk's sister was about to make contact again. She came flying past me--well, flying for a zombie--into the bathroom, tripped, and fell into the tub.

  I threw her toothbrush at her. "You need to use that more often," I called. Then I ran from the room. When I got to the bottom of the stairs I didn't see Dirk's daddy, but I could hear him. The front door hung wide open. As I raced down the hall past the den I heard Mrs. Conrad trying to calm her husband. I figured it wouldn't be long before she joined the rest of her family among the living dead. Her life of denial was coming to an end.

  I exited, slamming the door. There. I'd finally met my boyfriend's family.

  As we walked home, Baron and Milton were giddy with success.

  "We did it, homie!" Milton called.

  "The name's Chomsky. Baron Chomsky," Baron called back. They laughed and high-fived down the street.

  "Hey. Let's sing a Christmas carol," Baron called.

  "Why?" asked Milton.

  "It's the holiday season, and I'm filled with the spirit. '0 come all ye faithful... " he began. Within moments Milton joined him.

  " 'Joyful and triumphant

  Jubilant with their victory, their voices carried into the night. I kept an eye peeled. This was the kind of thing that could attract unwanted attention.

  "Baron, you have a lovely voice," Sybil said when they finished. "It's kind of sexy."

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  "Really?" I'm sure that was the first time sexy had been used to describe anything Baron had ever done.

  "Mmmra, yeah," she said in a voice smooth like velvet.

  I gagged. Could she be any more obvious?

  "Urn ... thanks."Baron was at a loss for words. He was the one who usually did the flirting. Being flirted with was brand-new for him.

  "I think our voices complement each other. Let's do another one. I'm going to carol next to you for the rest of the night."

  Baron looked at me. I pretended not to notice, keeping my eyes straight ahead.

  "How about 'Silent Night?" he asked. There was an uneasiness to his words.

  Sybil sidled up next to him. "I love that one."

  "Umm. Me too ... Cute Stuff."

  Cute Stuff?

  And just like that, two years of pining for me were tossed out the window like dirty dishwater.

  She grabbed his hand as we walked, oohing appropriately when he did his phony accent. I was embarrassed for her, pretending to be interested in the pathetic geek just to make me jealous. Sad.

  "Umm, what's going on?" Milton asked. Baron and Sybil were halfway down the block. They had finished caroling, and he was demonstrating the zombie death grip he'd learned in the video game Zombie Slayers. "Did you and Baron have a fight or something?"

  "No. Why would you say that?"

  "I always thought you were Baron's girl."

  "Please! Baron is just an annoying classmate. I have a boyfriend."

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  "Urn. Okay." He thought for a second. "The antidote we've been working on is almost ready. Maybe you should rethink your relationship with Baron."

  "Why's that?"

  "Because we're about to be big shots around here. When we turn everyone back to normal we are going to be the big dogs."

  "Really?"

  "Yep." A beat and then, "Nothing against you, Margot. I think you're cool and all, but I'm going to take Amanda Culpepper to the prom."

  I stared at him.

  "I mean, how would it look, me going out with the girl my best friend just dumped? Now that I'm about to be The Man I have a re
putation to uphold. Sorry."

  Talk about delusional. The geeks had convinced themselves that turning everyone back to normal would catapult them to the top of the food chain. Boy, are they in for a rude awakening.

  Speaking of rude awakenings, I was in the midst of one myself with Sybil. I couldn't believe she would mislead a poor, defenseless geek. How cruel.

  We left Baron and Milton in front of the school. They were headed to their lab to work on the antidote. Sybil and I retreated to my bedroom, where we sipped hot chocolate. The only reason I allowed her to come back with me was to give her a piece of my mind.

  "What do you think you're doing?"

  "What do you mean?" she asked as she blew on her chocolate.

  "Why are you flirting with Baron?"

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  "I like him." She plucked a dab of marshmallow from the chocolate and sucked it from her finger.

  "No, you don't. Baron's a geek."

  "Not to me." She sat on the edge of my bed and pretended to thumb through a fashion magazine.

  "And he's my geek." I snatched the magazine from her hand. "Stop flirting with him!" I commanded.

  "What do you care? You already have a boyfriend."

  "I feel sorry for you" I shook my head sadly, as if she were the most pathetic thing on Earth.

  "Do I detect a hint of jealousy?" There was a wry smile on her lips. I wanted to scratch it off.

  "You're the one who's jealous."

  "No, I'm happy for you and your boyfriend. Be happy for me. I think I found someone."

  What could I say? She was obviously baiting me.

  "Okay. If you want Baron he's yours. We'll have to double date sometime," I added sweetly.

  "Yes. I hear there's a new zombie flick coming to the Cine-plex. I'm sure Dirk will eat it up," she replied with equally sweet venom.

  We smiled in each other's faces. There would be more to come.

  Later that night, as I lay in bed, my mind drifted back over the evening's events: the trip to Dirk's house, meeting his mother, being attacked and nearly killed by his sister. But the event that played out over and over in my mind like something out of the movie Groundhog Day was Baron and Sybil holding hands and caroling down the street.

  He called her "Cute Stuff."Hypocrite.

  Without thinking, I got out of bed, opened my closet door.

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  and looked at myself in the mirror. Back in the eighth grade I'd had the mirror moved from the outside to the inside of the door so I wouldn't have to look into it all the time. I didn't enjoy mirrors the way I'm sure Amanda Culpepper did. They'd never been a great friend to me. But tonight 1 couldn't help myself.

  I peered at myself in my shorts and tank top PJs. My fleshy arms, my large thighs. The tiniest ripple of fat peeked out from under the top. I sucked in my tummy and pulled the top down over it.

  I imagined I saw the reflections of Sybil and Baron standing behind me, holding hands and singing "0 Come All Ye Faithful" with great joy. She was rosy-cheeked and thin; even in her bulky winter overcoat she appeared svelte--no fleshy arms, no large thighs.

  "Fools," I said out loud. "Beauty and the Geek. They deserve each other." With an angry chuckle, I closed the closet door and went back to bed. I could still hear them singing.

  SES) Sybil had gone strange on me. There was no other way to put it. Now that she had a boyfriend of her own she'd become distant. When we traveled around the school she wore a perpetual frown on her face. And the moment she was in the cafeteria it was as if she'd entered her own private domain.

  Zombies were no longer allowed to sit with their cliques. She patrolled the cafeteria like a demon possessed, thumping her gum foil badge and forcing Goths to sit with emos, jocks with nerds.

  "Keep it down over there," she called to me one day as she patrolled. I'd been laughing--not too loud, there were zombies around, but obviously too loud for Deputy Dawg. "What's so funny anyway?" she asked. Okay, I admit I was laughing at

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  her. But I just couldn't get over how seriously she took her role of lunchroom monitor.

  "Dirk just told the funniest joke ,"I said.

  "Dirk is a zombie!" She practically spat the words at me.

  "I know. That's what made it so funny. The punch line was 'Mmmmmmaaaargh!' Hysterical." I laughed freely, pretending I was laughing at the ridiculous punch line. She rolled her eyes and zombie walked away.

  On another day she brought her iPod docking station to school. She set the speakers up on a table at the front of the cafeteria. Then she put in her iPod and cranked the music all the way up. Tom Jones' "She's a Lady" filled the air.

  The zombies were suddenly jarred from their stupor. They began growling and twitching. I got up and zombie walked over to her.

  "What are you doing?"

  "Adding a little joy to this gloomy lunchroom. Who can resist Tom Jones?" Sybil replied. She began swaying to the music.

  "They can," I replied, pointing at the zombies, who were growling. They shook their heads and swatted at the air around them. I snatched Sybil's iPod from the docking station. The music abruptly stopped.

  "What did you do that for?"

  "They were going to attack us."

  "No, they were not. They were enjoying themselves, unlike some people who seem to have forgotten how."

  "Why are you trying to get under my skin? Isn't it enough that I let you have Baron?"

  "You didn't let me have Baron, I took him!" she snarled.

  Zombie attention in the cafeteria shifted to me and Sybil, arguing.

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  "Mmmmm." A stoner zombie rose from his seat and started in our direction.

  "Put this in your purse and leave it there," I said, handing her back the iPod.

  She looked around at the zombies rising from then seats, their attention on us. Then without a word she took the iPod and put it away.

  It dawned on me then that Sybil was losing touch. I'd need to keep an eye on her before she destroyed my perfect semester.

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  Chapter Twenty - two

  "Mr. Pennyfield is on his way," Principal Taft said.

  We were standing in the rear of the auditorium. The lights had been lowered and the seats were filled with zombie students--a feat unto itself.

  The Holiday Pageant was usually the biggest event of the winter season. This year the Winter Dance would be the big event, but with Taft's supervisor set to attend, the pageant had to be special.

  Taft fidgeted nervously. "How are we looking?" What he was really asking was. When Pennyfield arrives are The zombies going to eat him?

  "Everything's fine, sir," I replied confidently, hoping my tone didn't betray my true feelings. "Keep him outside until the music begins. And both of you should stand by the door to get the full effect." What I was really saying was. You should stand by the door in case you have to run.

  He nodded. "Yes. We don't want to miss the full effect."

  A short time later, with Sybil, Baron, and Milton in place,

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  I lowered the house lights, turned up the stage lights, and pushed the button starting the music.

  The opening strains of Michael Jackson's 'Thriller" drifted into the auditorium. The curtain drew back as I slowly upped the stage lights on an eerie setting, a cemetery at Christmas. There was plastic snow on the floor, and wreaths on the cardboard headstones. Sybil and Baron appeared on stage, Baron doing an imitation of Michael Jackson mixed with a touch of James Bond--of course. They began acting out the "Thriller" video I'd found on YouTube.

  With the dance number under way, I slipped from the control room and joined Taft and Mr. Pennyfield at the rear of the auditorium. Upon seeing Pennyfield the first thing I thought of was a mouse. He was small in stature, with twitchy features, and tiny eyes that wouldn't keep still.

  "There she is," Taft said proudly as I walked up. "Mr. Penny-field, meet Margot Johnson, the brains behind our little Christmas extravaganza."

  I smi
led and shook his hand, keeping a cautious eye on the activity onstage. Over in a corner stood Mrs. Mars. She smiled and nodded to us, but made no attempt to come over. I was surprised to see her there. Mrs. Mars didn't seem like the Holiday Pageant type.

  A low moan drifted up from the sea of student onlookers.

  "What's that?" asked Pennyfield, his eyes darting about.

  "That's the way these kids show their appreciation," Taft said with a practiced chuckle. "Mmmmm," he mimicked. "It's the new hot thing. Don't they moan like that in all your schools?"

  "Oh, yes. Yes, of course they do," Pennyfield replied, not wanting to appear out of touch. "Kids. It's so hard to keep up with them these days."

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  "Mmmm," I said, and smiled. Taft was playing him like a fiddle.

  Onstage Baron and Sybil continued acting out the video. Now came the tough part. The monsters.

  From the wings, zombies began shambling onto the stage.

  "This is a rather odd song for the holidays," Pennyfield said suddenly.

  Taft shot me a sideways glance. Do something!

  "Well...," I said, trying to buy some time. "I consider the holidays a perfect time to honor those who came before us."

  "Ahh. So, those are spirits coming to greet the holiday revelers?" asked Pennyfield.

  "Yup. You got it."

  Pennyfield nodded appreciatively. Taft and I both breathed sighs of relief.

  I glanced at the stage and imagined Baron, Sybil, and the zombies all doing the "Thriller" choreography matching the video step for step. In truth, Sybil and Baron were doing their best to stay out of the grasp of the slow-moving zombies.