by Gina Henning
“Leia, don’t even get me started.” My dad tsks and grabs more salami.
“Get you started! Martin, don’t get me started!” My mom grabs a wooden spoon and taps my father’s hand with it. “Jack is a nice guy, I’ve got a good feeling about him.” My mom nods and winks at me.
Though I appreciate the support from my mom, this is not a good thing for right now. Not today. Not Christmas. And definitely not when Jack is going to propose after dinner, in front of everyone. If my parents are about to embark on a battle, this will make for a very tense and unruly dining experience and this would be without Aunt Minnie’s appearance. “Bells will be ringing” sounds throughout the house. My mom always changes the doorbell song with each season. Brian installed this upgrade for my mom five years ago, in place of a doorbell. She can choose which ever song she wants to have played through the speakers instead of a doorbell. It only took two years for him to get it not to play La Macarena on repeat. I shudder at the memory.
I exit the kitchen and head for the door. There is only one person I’m interested in seeing right now and I believe he is on the doorstep. My hand turns the knob and I pull back the door ready to greet Jack with a big kiss or maybe a big smile, because I imagine Aunt Minnie is most likely standing next to him.
“Scott.” The name tumbles out of my mouth. Scott Anderson is standing on my parent’s doorstep with a poinsettia plant. Wow. How is this day getting worse by the second?
“Hey, Lauren, Merry Christmas.” He leans in to what I assume is kiss me, but I back up and his lips miss my cheek and end in my hair. The poinsettia makes contact with my face. Not good. The one thing on this earth that I’m allergic too has brushed up against my skin.
I scream and back up. Don’t overreact, Lauren! I know the proper method of dealing with this is not to touch the area which has been affected. I take a deep breath. My skin is burning and I’m sure it’s already sprinkled with a red rash. I exhale and glance back at Scott.
“What’s wrong with your face?” Scott is squinting at me.
“I’m allergic to poinsettia plants, I can’t believe you don’t remember tha—” Well, actually I can believe it, Scott probably couldn’t tell you the smallest detail about me or our relationship of two years.
“Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m sorry. It was the only flowery plant available and I got the call at the last minute.” Scott put the poinsettia down on my parents’ doorstep. Flowery plant? Seriously, could this guy be anymore clueless? I sigh.
The sound of a car door closing diverts my attention to the street, where Jack is helping Aunt Minnie and her cat up the walk. Jack’s eyebrows are furrowed. I’m sure he is wondering who this guy is and why my face is red. I want to rush to the bathroom but an explanation is necessary, and quickly, because I can only take this burning for a minute longer. I’m not exactly a champion of pain.
Achoo. My throat is getting itchy.
“Geuzundt. Are you sick?’ Scott’s nose crinkles up as he takes a step back.
“No, I’m allergic to the poinsettia. I can’t be anywhere near - Achoo! - it.” I wipe my nose and touch the spot on my cheek with my hand where the poinsettia touched. Crap. Now the blotches are on my hand.
“Hey, Jack and Aunt Minnie, this is Scott Anderson, he just dropped by and forgot that I’m allergic to poinsettia plants, so I hate to run but I’ve got to take care of this burning on my face, please come in though.” I push back the door. “Merry Christmas!” I call over my shoulder as I rush into the living room and grab the doorknob of the small closet of a bathroom that is under the stairs. I should have gone to the bathroom upstairs but I couldn’t wait any longer to get water on my face. Achoo! Crap! It’s almost as if the sides of my throat have little brush bristles rubbing up and down it. This is awful. I haven’t had a poinsettia encounter since the sixth grade. Poor Mrs. Matthews called the hospital and had me sent away in ambulance, she thought I was going to die. My parents then thought they were going to die when they saw the ambulance bill, which is not the most economical way of travel. The short two-minute trip cost the equivalent of a round-trip plane ticket to Europe.
The cold water is providing some relief on my face. My mom is not going to be happy that I’m using her favorite snowman towel but I don’t want to further aggravate my skin by touching it. I soak up the towel and press it against my cheek. My shirt is getting damp from the water. This is not my day.
A quiet knock on the door redirects my attention. I have had too many surprises via doors today.
“Who is it?”
“It’s me, Jack.” Immediately, a calming effect runs along my skin. I unlock the latch and click the door open enough so that he can squeeze into the small compartment. I understand the need for a hall closet-like bathroom, but this is definitely made for only one person. It’s the size of an airplane bathroom. Honestly, that’s being a bit generous - I can barely stand up in this room and I’m not a tall person. Jack, on the other hand, is ducking.
“Lauren, what’s going on?” Jack caresses my hair.
I want to cry and tell him about my parents, Megan, and all of their thoughts. I glance down. I’m so frustrated. I have no idea why Scott Anderson, my ex-boyfriend of two years, has decided to show up on my parents’ doorstep after over a year of no contact and, further, why he would bring me the only thing on this earth that I’m allergic to, but I can’t. I won’t. Arghh. This is too much drama and I really don’t even want to rehash any of it. I just want to get out of this small room.
I drop my head and crash into his shoulder. “This day is not going well.”
Jack’s body pulls back. “What do you mean?”
“It has nothing to do with you, or us. It’s my family, they are driving me nuts. I don’t know why Scott is here, so I have no explanation for that.”
Jack squeezes me into him and kisses my head. “Is this about the engagement? Are you upset about it in any way?”
“No, Jack.” I put the towel on the sink. “Actually, a bit yes. We haven’t talked about any specifics and I’m lost as to how we will make it work, given that we live in two different states.”
Jack picks up my chin. “Don’t worry about the details right now. Whatever it takes to make you happy, we will do.” Jack kisses my lips.
I pull back and gaze into his eyes. “I’m…Jack, I love you.”
Jack’s eyes are staring into mine with such passion. I wish we could push the eject button and time travel out of this room and into his house.
“Tell me again.” Jack pulls on my hair.
I laugh. “I love you.”
“One more time.” Jack pinches the side of my stomach.
My eyebrows crinkle. “I love you.”
And then he kisses me. Soft at first, his lips are over mine and then his tongue pushes into my mouth. Sugar is dancing over my tongue, swirling a special treat. It’s tasty and I want to lick it all day long.
Jack stops kissing me and breathes, “Lauren, I love you.” And then his tongue finds mine again. I’m searching his body, roaming my hands all over his muscles. Wow, he has such a nice body.
“Lauren…as much as I don’t want this to end.” He kisses me again.
“I know,” I breathe into his mouth and lean into his body. I don’t want this to end, not for one second. But I realize there are quite a few things, or rather people, on the other side of the door. People I have to deal with.
There’s Scott and then my parents’ debacle and I’m sure Aunt Minnie is not happy with the way things have gone since her appearance. But it is what it is. The click of the door opening is the finality of our bathroom escape. I take one last glance in the mirror, my face is speckled with red splotches. I’m sure my mom will appreciate the festiveness of it.
“Lauren, can you come here?” My mom is calling me from the kitchen. Why is my stomach clenching? I haven’t done anything wrong. I definitely didn’t invite Scott. I need to figure out this situation and give him his exit card. I can’t imagine h
aving to sit at the Christmas table flanked by him and Jack. I’d rather poke my eyeballs out with toothpicks.
“What’s up?” I ask my mom. Her face seems a bit grim. Especially since it’s the best day of the year for her in regards to festive inspiration and maxing out all themes of Christmas in one huge firecracker of explosion on the table.
“Why is Scott here?” My mom is not one to hem and haw around.
“I don’t know.” I shake my head. I wish I did know, or rather, I wish he simply wasn’t here.
“Well, I think if you and Jack are an item it’s not appropriate for your ex-boyfriend to sit down with us for Christmas dinner.” My mom is not happy.
“What? Why can’t Scott stay? He’s a dear family friend.” My sister enters the kitchen with her golden locks perfectly waved like a real-life version of Jessica Rabbit except blond and definitely not the body, my sister is much too thin for the va-va-voom of curves.
My mouth is on the proverbial floor. I almost want to pretend to pick it up for the drama of the situation.
“Megan, he’s hardly a family friend. Is this your work?” My mom is shaking her head at Megan and giving her the stare. The one that means you are big trouble.
“My work?” Megan tuts and tosses her hair over her shoulder. She saunters to the stove and peeks at the potatoes.
“Megan Elaine Hauser Forrester, you answer me right now.” My mom is not playing around. She threw down the full name and added on her married last name as well. I don’t think I’ve ever heard my mom use all four names.
“Mother, don’t be silly. I’m an adult.” Megan prods the potatoes with a fork.
“Megan, you are not acting like an adult if you are messing with Lauren’s relationship. I’m going to give you one final chance to come clean before I speak to Scott myself. Did you contact him?” My mom is thumping her foot on the linoleum and has both hands on her hips. This is the worst stance to see my mom in.
“Fine, yes, I called him. But it was only to help Lauren.” Megan brushes away a loose hair that has touched her cheek. A tiny bit of her perfection is starting to unravel.
“Help me, in what way?” I’m baffled by her response. Why in the world would she think inviting Scott to our Christmas dinner be a good idea, especially when Jack and his aunt are here.
“Lauren, I just feel like you are being naive about Jack and thought you should consider your other options.” Megan’s head is cocked to the side and her voice couldn’t possibly reek an ounce more condescension. I want to laugh or cry, I’m not sure which. I can’t believe she thinks she is somehow helping me.
“Megan, you must be joking. Scott is not an option, he was a horrible boyfriend and a waste of my time. I would never even consider being with him again, whether I was with Jack or not.” I storm to the refrigerator, I am not going to have Megan sabotage my cranberries. She’s already done enough sabotaging of my love life. I’ve got to get it sorted. But first I snag a spoon from my mom’s jar on the counter and pop a tiny bite into my mouth. Cranberry, orange and bits of sweetness dance in my mouth. Yes, the cranberries are perfect. Now I will fix the rest of the Christmas situation.
As I’m enjoying a second taste of the cranberries, a warm body rubs in between my calves. I jump and almost toss the cranberries everywhere.
“Ah.” I glance down at the floor and realize it’s Aunt Minnie’s cat.
“What in heaven’s name is a cat doing in my kitchen?” My mother is pointing hard at the cat, it’s almost as if she thinks she can blast the cat out of the kitchen and maybe even the house with pure willpower.
“Oh, um, Mom, that’s Jack’s Aunt Minnie’s cat.” I put the cranberries back in the refrigerator safe and sound and reach for the cat. Though two seconds ago it was purring up against me, it’s now scampering out of my reach and up the stairs. I climb after it but it’s too late, the cat is gone. It’s upstairs somewhere and I’m not interested in playing hide-and-seek with a cat. Not now or ever for that matter. And, given the situation, I have too many other things to deal with.
“Who brings a cat to another person’s house on Christmas? How rude.” My mother is shaking her head and tsking.
“I do. I’m sorry, I couldn’t bear to leave the poor thing alone on Christmas, can you imagine being all alone on this sacred day?” Aunt Minnie’s lips are pursed. Shiat, this is not good. I definitely do not want to see my mom go head to head with Aunt Minnie. Whether my mom is right or not, this is not a good battle. Oh lawd, I hope my mom doesn’t accept this challenge. All eyes are on her, my mom, in all her Christmas glory.
“Merry Christmas, darlings!” My grandmother saunters into the kitchen with open arms. God I love this woman.
“Merry Christmas, Grandmother.” I turn and hug her frail body. Her vertebrae are poking out from her soft snowy sweater. I’m going to have to make sure she eats extra today.
“Leia, darling, why don’t you pour a glass of wine for our lovely guest…” My grandmother eyes Aunt Minnie.
“Please call me Minnie.” Aunt Minnie offers my grandmother her hand to shake. She appears to be wearing more makeup then she was at the airport or is thoroughly rested, either way she reminds me of Lauren Bacall in All I Want For Christmas. I adore that movie, not only because it stars Lauren Bacall, but also because it is set over Christmas.
“Merry Christmas, Minnie, I’m Sandra.” My grandmother pulls Aunt Minnie in for air kisses.
“Merry Christmas indeed.” Aunt Minnie turns towards me and winks.
I flash my widest grin and catch my mom pouring luscious amounts into several glasses. This situation seems to be handled for now. I stride into the living room to see my dad, Brian, and Luke sitting on the couch with Scott in my dad’s recliner no less. Seriously, the nerve of this guy. I can’t believe my dad allowed this. I storm over to him and thump on his shoulder.
“Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?” I stare down at him.
“Uh, can it wait? I’m watching the game.” Scott’s eyes are glued to the television.
“No. It can’t.” I grab his hand and drag him out the front door.
“Lauren, what’s the deal?” Scott asks as I shut the front door.
“Listen,” I pause for a second and sigh, I want to choose the right words.
“Oh, hey, I didn’t realize you wanted some alone time.” Scott leans in and plants a kiss on my mouth and tries to stick his tongue in, unfortunately my mouth is open because I’m in shock that he is trying to kiss me.
Without even time for me to pull back, Scott is being tugged away from me. My eyes cut to the physical force that is rescuing me from a very uncomfortable kiss. Scott was never a great kisser, but this had to rank up on all-time low with his slimy lips and sloppy tongue. His tongue was always soaked with saliva. Yuck.
It’s Jack. He does not seem happy at all. His eyes are dark and a vein is throbbing from his neck. He is dragging Scott off my parents’ doorstep and down their walk. Scott is silent as Jack is speaking directly into his ear. It’s like I’m in a silent movie. Jack’s mouth is moving, but there is no sound. Whatever Jack is relaying to Scott, is only heard by the two of them. I blink as Jack digs into Scott’s pocket, unlocks Scott’s car and shoves him into it.
Scott appears to be a robot as he starts up his car and drives away. Well, that’s one problem solved. Although I really wonder what Jack said to him. I’m relieved not to be bothered by that situation any further.
“Are you all right?” Jack takes my hand and pulls me into him.
“Yes, that was so weird. I brought him out here to send him home and then he—”
“Kissed you. Yes.” Jack shakes his head and the vein in his neck begins to throb again. His jaw is clenched.
“Yeah…Yuck.” I stick out my tongue as if I’m vomiting. I am in dire need of mouthwash, anything to clean my mouth after that nastiness.
Jack laughs, “Yuck is right, is everything all right in the kitchen?”
I roll my eyes. “Everything�
�s fine, Megan is just up to her stupid antics. I swear if she isn’t the center of attention then she tries to create a situation to stir up unnecessary drama just to place herself back in the spotlight somehow…Arghh.” My shoulders slump.
I’m not going to let her get me down. She can get over whatever issues she has with Jack. If she thinks sloppy Scott is the guy for me then she needs to get her head checked.
The click of the door opening averts both of our attention, Aurora stumbles out.
“Namaste.” She puts her hands together and bows. Seriously, I do not need this right now. But hey, it is Christmas. I go ahead and bow towards Aurora. “Namaste.”
Jack is staring at me like I have two heads, which I probably do considering I just participated in an Aurora Namaste bow. I’m sure it really means nothing, because I think Namaste is supposed to be said after a yoga session, not as a greeting, but whatever. I seriously don’t care.
I glance at Aurora, who is jerking her head back, almost to the door frame.
“Uh…dinner is ready.” Aurora’s buns wobble on the top of her head as she pushes open the door for us to enter the house of craziness.
My head pounds. Can I seriously get through this situation? Dinner with my family, Jack’s Aunt Minnie and the cat that is who knows where? Probably pissing all over my bed, no doubt. As if my mattress wasn’t already bad enough with its screechiness and giver of the worst backaches ever. Seriously…I scrunch up my nose, anticipating the smells I will encounter later.
“Hey, are you all right?” Jack grabs me by the waist and pulls me into his body. Sandalwood, mint and apples invade my senses, wiping out the nasty smells I had been imagining. He has the cleanest scent. I want to inhale him all day long.
I’m ready to start again. I’m going to let go of the kitchen business with Megan and enjoy this Christmas, with Jack at my side what is there to lose?
“I’m good, by the way…You smell so…” I pause trying to think of an appropriate masculine descriptive word.