“While I appreciate your confidence in my horses, I really don’t think that’s something I would encourage. Keep your eyes open. Breathe regularly, and direct the horse where you want him to go.”
“And hold on.”
“Yeah, and hold on. Okay?”
If it were anyone else, she’d say, hell no, it wasn’t okay. But he still made her a little uneasy, and she wasn’t comfortable voicing any “girlie” concerns with him. She didn’t want to bother him. This was all his deal and she had to rely on his leadership. She didn’t want to create a problem for him, so she tried to tone down her fears: of the dark, of bears, and of riding up and down the mountain. And now she was about to go rockclimbing on horseback.
She really wanted to shut her eyes, but didn’t, and faithfully let her horse follow Ian’s. Roxy and Samson were shuffling around them like wayward, playful dogs. Their hooves all started to clatter on the rocks as they started up, which was nerve-shattering. Sweat broke out all over Kailynn’s body. She finally disobeyed Ian and just shut her eyes while clinging to the saddle horn with both hands. When the crazy, slippery movement stopped, she opened her eyes and saw she was again on flat ground.
Glancing up she found Ian grinning at her. She grinned right back.
“You’re pretty damn amazing.” He then swung his horse around and started up towards the small trickle of water up ahead. She stared after him. She was amazing? He said it in a reverent tone, as if he meant the compliment to refer to so much more than just riding up the rock. Still, the rush of pride that swept through her made her sit up straighter in her saddle. She really felt amazing. Not something she ever felt in her real life.
They approached a small pool of water, and followed the trickling stream up another hundred feet where the small lake filled up. It was beyond description. The needles from the tamarack trees had all turned from green to yellow, appearing like dozens of burning candles surrounding the lake. It was small, shallow and smooth, reflecting the perfect combination of sky, trees, and land around it. Mountains slid down to fields of abundant grass for as far as the eye could see. She started clicking pictures while her horse was still moving and snapped shots of Ian stopping, standing up in his stirrups, and pitching over the side to get off. She had dozens of him doing everything he usually did up there. He seemed unaware of most of the candid shots she took. She found it quite compelling to watch him, almost like watching a cowboy from another century still surviving. He reminded her of the old mountain men and fur trappers. Except he was not all hairy, smelly, and grizzled.
No, Ian was none of those things. He was strong and tall. His hair flashed a burnt auburn in the sunlight. His pale eyes felt like they assessed every danger or potential for danger in mere seconds as he decided the best course of action and then took it. His quiet confidence and competence out there came as a surprise to her. It was kind of hard not to be impressed by him. He was like a rugged, hot cowboy. Hat, jeans, and all. She really hated the cowboy hats the men wore in River’s End, but here? It was like she’d just entered into one of the old time movies of Clint Eastwood.
“Oh my God. This place is…”
“Yeah, thought you might think so. It is.”
She slid off her horse, now proficient enough to know she should loosely tie it to a young tree sapling and unsaddle. She’d quickly gotten with the program. She kept watching and mimicking Ian to avoid standing there, looking useless, while he worked his ass off.
Not that he had much of an ass to work off.
But what was throwing her was he tried to do all the work. He seemed to be trying extra hard to make this special for her. It was a really odd dynamic to her. She’d never taken any real vacations in her life. She’d truly gone nowhere and had rarely done anything special or unusual. This trip was like having all those things on steroids. It was, so far, the only real adventure and outdoor experience she’d had. And Ian kept trying to make it even more so for her.
Ian had already walked Commander to a clear, green patch of grass where he pulled out the hobbles and got to work. She led Tommy over there as well. Finally, all of them were happily grazing and she walked back to her saddlebags and tugged her jacket off.
“Do you mind if I…”
He smiled and motioned for her to go ahead. She walked around the entire perimeter of the small lake, stopping to take in each and every view and angle. She climbed up the rock that rose in a gentle slope several hundred feet above the lake, providing a majestic backdrop towards where their camp lay somewhere. She clicked more pictures before scanning the scenery and locating Ian. He was lying down again, leaning his head on the saddle, the saddle blanket under him, with his knees drawn up in the air. His hat was over his face to keep the sun off it, no doubt.
It was becoming downright hot. She grabbed her gear and headed towards where he was, next to the pond in a flat, dry, grassy spot. They were at the entrance of the main creek. Ian usually tried to stay wherever the horses could potentially escape. He might have looked fully at ease, but he was always at the ready, she now knew.
Dropping her stuff down near him, she sat down with a flourish. He tilted his hat back enough to look at her. “Get enough pictures?”
She nodded and shed her sweatshirt. It caught in her hair and she had to shake her head to finally tug it off. Her hair flew up and around her head. It was stuck in a ponytail, which came half loose. She sighed at the heavy brown mass and tried to smooth it out. “Yes. Lots. This place, I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Yeah, it’s a pretty spot.” Pretty spot? It was so much more than pretty.
“What’s it called?”
“No name that I know of. My dad brought us here. I never heard him call it anything. Never seen any signs of other humans here.”
She paused in the process of hunting out her lunch from her saddlebags. “Your dad? You don’t mention him much.”
He tilted the hat back down on his face and shifted his shoulders. “We don’t talk about much of anything. Why should I mention him?”
She frowned. Was that true? Perhaps. Yes. It was. But maybe, being up here, she began to see him a little differently. Not so weird or frustrating. Maybe she’d always taken him too seriously. Maybe she could relax with him now, and get to a place where they could kid around and chit-chat about things like his dad or hers.
“So? Your dad brought you and your brothers here?”
“Just me and Jack. No one else. Shane never wanted to come with us.”
“He always disliked the horses?” Was she still a little hungry for details about Shane?
“Always. But you don’t dislike the horses, do you?”
What was his point? “No. I really like this.”
She munched on her sandwich and drank out of her water bottle. “What about Joey? He ever come up here?”
“No. By the time he was old enough, dad had already died. Surprised you didn’t hang out with Joey more. He was your same age.”
“Joey always thought he was so pretty and he is. But I really couldn’t tolerate his arrogance.”
She could see Ian’s smile from under the brim of his hat. “Joey is a lot more than pretty.”
“Anyways, back to your dad. Why do you keep changing the subject? Then again, when do you ever even finish a thought?”
He straightened out one of his legs next to her. They were long and lean. “Why do I bug you so much?”
She whipped her head around to meet his gaze, but he still lay flat with his face covered. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“You don’t like me. What I can’t figure out is why.”
“Why would I be out here with you if that were true?”
“You were supposed to be out here with our brothers.”
“But I chose to come here alone with you. What frustrates me is when you don’t answer my questions with anything but a word, or another question, or you ignore me altogether. Case in point, your father.”
His chest deflated as if
he let out a deep breath. Finally, he said, “It’s hard for me to talk about him. I was only thirteen. Jack and Lily were just twenty years old. We lost two parents and pretty much had to rely on a couple of overgrown teens. It was sad. I don’t exactly like talking about my parents’ deaths.”
“I get that. But what about the good memories? Isn’t that something you’d like to talk about?”
Silence. She could just make out his jaw tightening and she turned her head towards the sun as it fell on her shoulders, warming her. She finished her food and set the leftovers aside. She drew her knees up and rested her chin on them before admitting, “I don’t really remember your parents.”
“You were only a kid when they died.”
“I know my dad missed your dad. It’s the first time I ever saw him cry.”
“My dad was a lot like Jack.”
“Not like you?”
Ian didn’t answer for a long, strung-out moment. That’s what frustrated her so much with him. His long responses and lag times. “No, not me. He was a natural authority figure. He was tough and friendly. Everyone liked him. He’d give his left nut for any friend that asked him. He was like Jack in the responsibility and leadership thing, but Shane and Joey got their personalities directly from him.”
“And you? Who are you more like? Your mother?”
What words described Ian? Kailynn really had none, not even an intelligible description of his strange placidity and nothingness, or how he appeared to the outside world. Yet, she also suspected he had a lot going on inside him. He was nothing like Jack, or Shane, or Joey. He wasn’t boisterous or outgoing, ever. He wasn’t loud. He wasn’t even friendly. He was intelligent and spoke very well when he chose to. He was observant too; and now, out there in the woods, he was suddenly being extremely noticed by her.
“Maybe. Yeah, maybe I am more like my mother.”
“When you guys used to come here, what did you do?”
Ian tapped his fingers on his chest and sighed. “We ate. We watched the horses. We climbed up the rocks. We were kids. We threw rocks in the pretty pond until our dad yelled at us.”
“Were they good parents?”
Ian shifted and yanked the hat off his face. “Mine?”
This time, she kept her gaze averted and studied her toes. “Yes, yours.”
“Yeah, they were really good parents. Jack and Lily were too. I didn’t have a lot to complain about. We never hurt for money.”
“Your parents died when you were a teen. That’s a lot to complain about. And a lot for kid to go through. You get that, right? Or are you really as emotionless as you appear? I actually don’t know.”
“I didn’t know you thought about that.”
She tipped her head to the side and glanced at him from the corners of her eyes. “I really don’t know what to think of you.”
“Because I make you so uneasy?”
“Yes. Sometimes, you do. You don’t talk at all.”
“I answered everything you ever asked me.”
“But you don’t want me to ask.”
“I’m just not used to someone asking.”
She rolled her eyes. “Still, you act weird about it.”
“Tell me, Lynnie, what about your father? Your mother? You want to talk about them? It’s not always easy to talk about what hurts you the most.”
“So it does hurt you? See? If you just told me that, instead of kind of sneaking it into some other comment. That’s why I never really know how to react to you.”
He shook his head. “Okay. It hurt me when my parents died. It’s not easy to talk about even now.”
“I felt that way after my mom left. That was not easy to talk about. She didn’t do anything to traumatize me, but her not wanting to be there with me hurt me a lot. However, all around, my parents are… fine. They were always fine. I didn’t really have much to complain about either.”
“You don’t complain. But you get your point across all the same. Your family is just too clueless to see it.”
She whipped her head around. “What are you talking about? And you really should not keep calling my family names.”
He settled his head back down. “You give off pretty strong signals with how you feel. When you’re annoyed, embarrassed, uncomfortable, happy, whatever. They just choose to ignore you. And maybe they aren’t stupid, but they are if they choose to ignore you. You know that, right? They take advantage of all the things you do for them.”
“You can’t read my signals.” She felt sure of that. Ian was not that perceptive. He could barely even be classified as a speaking, social human being. There was no way he could tell how she felt about things, was there?
“Yes. I can. You just can’t read mine.”
Keeping her face out of his line of sight, she stared at the yellow trees reflected in the placid pool before her. What did he mean by that? His signals? He had none. He rarely seemed to show anything. Or react. He was a blank slate, a boring wall, a…crap was there something she had missed?
“Well, I might not be so subtle in my annoyance with others.” She had a habit of rolling her eyes or scowling at people behind their backs. She just didn’t think anyone ever noticed she did that. Why was she starting to have a whispered sense that perhaps she missed a whole lot about all the possible things that Ian might have noticed? Did his placid, almost blank exterior hide a whole lot more than she ever perceived? “I’m sorry if I’ve done that to you.”
He smiled and lifted an arm to shade his eyes from the sun. “You don’t have to apologize. I don’t see the point of apologizing for whoever you are.”
She glanced at his body next to her. Her butt was nearly even with his waist and his legs stretched forever past hers. The horses were about a hundred feet away. Their heads were bent down as they rhythmically chewed and chomped while grazing. The sun felt shockingly pleasant on her bare arms and the air smelled fresh and clean. It was so freaking perfect for Kailynn that she wished they could stay there forever. She also felt a warm rush of understanding about Ian. Exactly. Why should she apologize to those around her for wanting more for herself? And he must know what that was like. If he were gay, as so many assumed, wouldn’t he have totally understood what it was like to be pigeonholed or having to apologize for who and what he was? Her heart ballooned in empathy for him. It must have been so hard for him, being a cowboy, rancher, and redneck that he and his family were. And like his dad seemed to be. His dad sounded even more like that than Ian and Jack. That must have been excruciating, to realize your true sexual preference and the essence of who you were, were totally unacceptable to your own father. Or your brothers even. What if macho, biker Shane was mean to him because of it? She suddenly felt a growing concern for what it must’ve been like to be Ian in River’s End. Was it any wonder he kept to himself and didn’t react to many things? In order to keep his secret safe, he probably trained himself to be vague and evasive. And here she was, making him self-conscious about it, when it was probably his ultimate coping mechanism.
Lord, she was a bitch.
She turned towards him with a rush of warm and fuzzy understanding. She was bonding, and becoming one with Ian, something she never thought she’d feel with Ian Rydell, of all men. “I agree. No one should ever have to apologize for who, or what he is. I wish more people in this narrow-minded valley understood that. And practiced that kind of empathy.”
“Uh-huh.”
She was warming to the idea that he really was gay, but kept it all under wraps and hid it from his macho brothers. He could not dare besmirch the rancher image that he was supposed to embrace. A gay cowboy wasn’t too common around River’s End.
“I actually respect how quiet you keep your private life. I know it isn’t easy in this valley. I mean, if it had been anyone else, but you, who walked in on that… you know, that episode with Drew, I would have stayed hidden in my room for months.”
“I told you to start picking better boyfriends.”
She leaned ba
ck a little, resting her weight on her elbows and stretching her legs out closer to his. “He was so rude to you. I should have apologized for that. I mean…” She snuck a quick glance his way. He was still lounging there, appearing unconcerned. His eyes were closed and his skin was starting to turn pink in the sun. She felt like they had come so far in the last few days. Maybe it was time to show him she really did understand him. Fully. It would have been nice for her to have someone she could confide in. Someone like Ian who was so secretive in his own life, that he knew how to keep other people’s confidences to himself. Well, so could she. “The things he said to you.”
“What did he say to me?”
“Those, you know, those homophobic comments. It’s way too common around home and it drives me nuts. I want you to know that is never something by which I would judge someone. Ever. It’s private; and no one else’s business.”
She felt him stiffening next to her before he rolled up onto his side, resting his elbow on the ground and placing his face on his hand. She glanced up, fearing a glimpse of anger or embarrassment in his eyes. Instead, his eyebrows were drawn together as he looked at her kind of curiously. “Did you just apologize to me because you think I’m gay?”
She blew out a breath. At least, he wasn’t stomping off in masculine, arrogant embarrassment. He must have been okay with her talking about that. She let out a breath and nodded. “I just don’t think it’s a reason or criteria to judge anyone. I hope you already know that about me.”
He cleared his throat. “Ah, okay. Good to know… especially, if I were gay.”
Chapter Eight
IF HE WERE GAY? But didn’t he just fail to react to her gently worded suggestion? Most straight guys would have reacted with a crazy, offended tantrum. Her back snapped up rigidly. She slowly dropped her gaze and glued it onto his feet.
“Lynnie?” he asked when she didn’t respond for a lengthy time. She was suddenly sweaty and dying of embarrassment. Her entire face was burning up as if she had a fever. “Is there any particular reason you thought I was?”
River's Escape (River's End Series, #2) Page 12