Beat (The Beat and The Pulse #1)
Page 11
“Be careful with him, Ren,” he murmured, his gaze leveled with mine.
Shaking free, I bit down on my own rising anger. “I'm a big girl, Dad. I've been looking after myself since I was five.”
His eyes narrowed in disapproval, but I didn’t give a flying fuck.
Next in line was Dean, who put a hand on my shoulder. “If he hurts you, just say the word.”
“I’ve got it, Dean.” I shrugged his hand away. “But thanks.”
“I worry about you, Ren.”
“Dean,” I scolded.
“Okay, go.” He sighed and nodded toward the showers.
As I crossed the mats, I guess the gig was up. Everyone now knew something was going on between us other than a raging love hate relationship and now Monica would have even more reason to hate me. I didn’t see her running head on into the danger zone to try and calm down the man she wanted so much. I guess the target had gotten bigger on my back and retribution was going to be a bitch. If it came at all.
Monica had seemed to accept my presence at Beat, but it wasn’t without its problems. I just knew she was biding her time, but I had too much going on to even think about it.
When I padded into the showers, Ash was sitting on the bench, holding his head in his hands. At the sound of my entrance, he glanced up, a frown creasing his forehead.
“You need to stay away from me, Ren.”
Games. He kept playing the cryptic bloody crossword.
“Be straight with me,” I said, sitting beside him. “Stop playing games and just tell me what’s going on.”
“I-”
“I just put myself in the line of…whatever the hell that was out there and you can’t give me one little thing?”
His shoulders rose as he took a deep breath and fell as he let it out in one long whoosh. He didn't move or say anything and I had no idea what to follow that one up with. I supposed it was better if Monica was here, I mean she was the one he wanted, right?
“Do you want me to get Monica?”
“No,” he snapped. “I don't fuckin' want her.”
Before I could stop myself, I flinched.
“Shit, Ren,” he said, leaning against me. “If you'd just let me tell you the other night...I never did shit with her.”
I think I stopped breathing for a full thirty seconds. “I saw you,” I muttered.
“Saw me what?”
“Right there.” I pointed to where I'd seen him and Monica heavy petting. “She-”
Ash's eyes narrowed as his lip curled into a sneer. “Then you didn't see the part where I pushed her away and told her it wasn't hers to touch.”
I glanced away, biting my bottom lip. Yeah, I felt good about that but it still wasn't mine, either.
“What are we doing?” I whispered.
“I don't know,” he replied, staring at his hands.
I decided to go with the obvious. “Why did you snap out there? Who was on the phone?”
Ash started grinding his jaw, a trait I’d pegged to be a nervous tick. He did it when he didn’t want to tell me something and it drove me absolutely bonkers.
“Are you going out with him again?” he asked.
“Stop changing the subject,” I snapped.
“Are you?” This time, he turned to look at me, his emerald eyes piercing into mine. They were brighter now, but I wondered how far I could push him considering it had only been a handful of minutes since he’d Hulk-smashed the studio to pieces.
“Ash,” I murmured. “It’s complicated.”
He shoved his bulky frame to an upright position. “Why should I give you answers when you can’t give me any, either?”
He thundered into the closest shower and slammed the door closed, leaving me sitting there in stunned silence. Me giving him answers? I was an open book where he was concerned. He knew my entire pathetic story, he knew how much I’d wanted him…still wanted him to an extent, because someone who didn’t give a shit wouldn’t have done what I just did out there. Calm a wild beast who could’ve smashed me apart.
One thing I was sure of was the fact that I had to be straight with Seth. I wasn’t over whatever this thing with Ash was and I wasn’t sure I was going to be any time soon. That wasn’t fair on him and I didn’t just wake up one day and become a heartless bitch. I had to suck up my pride and tell him the truth.
Swallowing hard, I left Ash to sulk in the shower. I’d given him enough of me for one day. I just hoped it wasn’t too much.
That night, Ash didn’t turn up to train.
I couldn’t blame him, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to face him. Was it anger, annoyance, humiliation, avoidance or a mixture of all of the above? Either way, I was glad for the breathing space. There were so many unanswered questions and so much tension between us, it was eating me from the inside out. Seeing him on a daily basis did nothing to stem any of it.
I wasn't working the next day and neither was Seth, so I texted him to ask if he would meet me later that night. When he texted back a half hour later with a yes, I was relieved. I owed him an explanation for my awkward behavior. I mean, I couldn't be that kind of woman. The one who used and led people on.
Ash didn't turn up at Beat that day, either. The Twins were well into training for the day with Dad, and Monica was in the kitchen planning a new set of meals. No one had mentioned yesterday's incident, the most I'd gotten was an FYI from Dad that the glazier was coming to put in a new bank of mirrors on Monday morning. If he wasn't there, I was supposed to let him in.
Monica was fuming at me for yesterday, but that was nothing new. Her, Dad, all the stuff with Mum and me being left to care for her...well, that baggage was still around, but nobody had the time or will to deal with it. That was another festering wound that would probably blow up one day.
I'd been grudgingly accepted at Beat and I wasn't sure when that had happened. Was it acceptance or resignation? Who knew, right? I still wanted to keep saving so I could get my own place, but I wasn't so sure getting away from Ash was as high on the list as it used to be.
I snuck out at six to meet Seth at a pub called The Retreat, which was a few blocks away on Sydney Road. It was this haphazard place, like bits and pieces of different buildings had been collected and stuck together with gaffer tape. It looked like the inside of someone's house rather than a pub and the beer garden looked like a typical Aussie backyard. All mismatched garden furniture, green lawn, sans-garden, complete with a Hills Hoist clothesline.
That's where I found Seth, who was sitting on a deck chair, nursing a beer in his hand. The sun was setting, the sky blazing with a thousand shades of orange.
“Hey,” I said, standing next to him.
Seth glanced up and when he saw it was me, he frowned. “Hey.”
I pulled up a free chair and sat next to him. “Look, about the other night…”
“It’s okay Ren,” he interrupted. “I understand.”
“It’s not that I don’t like you. I really do, it’s just-”
“You don’t feel that thing?”
“Will you stop interrupting me?” I scolded playfully, trying to dial down the awkward. “I really like you, but I don’t think there’s more to us than friends.”
He took a long draught of beer and I raised my eyebrows.
“You'll have to give me a sec, Ren,” he said. “My pride is hurt.”
I nodded at his almost empty glass. “Can I get you another?”
“No, that's okay. I think I'll call it a night.”
“But I just got here,” I complained.
“Sorry Ren.” He shrugged and I got the distinct feeling that I was losing him.
“Seth...”
He drained the last of his beer and slid the empty onto a nearby table. “I'll walk you to the tram stop.”
“Um,” I hesitated. “I kinda live at Beat.”
Seth paused, staring at me in surprise. “What do you mean?”
“I didn't mention it before because it's bloody embarrassi
ng,” I said, burying my face in my hands. “You know I don't really know my Dad.” He nodded, because I'd told him as much on our date. “Well, his new family hates my guts. I'm not welcome to stay with him and I can't afford to get my own place...”
“So you live at Beat?” Seth finished for me.
“In the closet like fucking Cinderella.”
“Shit, now I understand why you're always there.”
I frowned at him, not understanding why he wasn't laughing or saying something nasty about my sleeping arrangements.
“What?” he asked getting out of his deck chair. “As long as your Dad doesn't make you pay rent, is it that bad? The location is pretty great.”
I started laughing, relief washing over me. We were still us, friends.
Seth held out his hand. “I'll walk you home then?”
I took his hand and he hauled me up. “Sure.”
We escaped the throng of Saturday night drunkards that had clogged up the pub and wandered back toward the studio.
“You didn't tell Josie about it, did you?” Seth asked as we crossed the street at the traffic lights.
“No,” I said with a laugh. “We'd never live it down.”
“What's the word for that?” Seth asked with a grin.
“Busybody?”
“Yeah, that.”
“Good description,” I said, the bounce coming back to my step. “She should be one of those dating consultants. You know, help desperate singles find each other.”
“Yeah, she'd be great at that. How is she, anyway?”
“I've been pretty busy lately, so I've only seen her at the coffee shop,” I replied. “You know you guys were the first friends I made here, right?”
“Really?” Seth asked, his brow furrowing. “You seem like the kind of person who'd have a ton of friends.”
“Me?” I asked with a laugh. “Hardly.”
“I don't believe it.” He gave me a playful wink. “You're beautiful, talented...”
“Oh, shut up,” I exclaimed.
He held up his hands in mock defense. “True story.”
“Let's not let that silly date ruin our friendship, hey?” I asked, bumping my shoulder against his.
“What date?” We stopped out the front of Beat and he smiled down at me. “See you at work Monday?”
I nodded, a smile spreading across my face. “I'll be there.”
Chapter 23
Ren
I watched Seth walk away and disappear into the darkness.
I felt a little guilty. Okay, I felt a lot guilty. I’d used him to try and erase the pain that Ash had inflicted and he didn’t deserve that. Seth was a good guy, I just didn’t feel that way about him. I wished I did because it would make things a hell of a lot easier, but that’s the thing about life. It was never easy, not for the bottom dwellers.
With a sigh, I unlocked the door to the studio and punched the alarm code into the keypad just inside. Why did there have to be such a push from society to have a boyfriend? It wasn’t like I was desperate to start a franchise, popping out kids and all. I wasn’t sure I even wanted that after the fantastic experiences I had with family dynamics growing up. Locking the door, I turned and had a miniature heart attack when I almost smacked into Ash.
“Shit. Fuck. Ass,” I spat at him, clutching my chest.
“How was your date with the pansy man?” he asked sullenly. He was fully clothed, bare feet, the hood on his hoodie half hanging off his head, hair all mussed up, hands jammed in the pockets. He looked like an angsty teenager in the middle of a temper tantrum.
“What, are you fucking jealous?” I scoffed, shoving past him. “Give me a fucking break.”
“Yes.”
I stopped mid-step, my heart twisting even further. More fucking games. Anger rose sharp in my stomach, burning through all my nerve endings. Fuck him. Fuck. Him.
Spinning on my heel, I slapped him hard, my palm connecting with his cheek with a sharp crack that echoed through the empty studio. His head didn’t move an inch, but he stared at me in surprise, green eyes darkening.
“It's so easy for you,” I said, clenching my jaw.
Ash stepped closer, his green eyes blazing. “I'm good at fighting, but it’s never been easy, Ren. I've got issues. You saw me the other day. The wrong kind of people know exactly what buttons to press and how hard.” He shook his head, running a hand over his face. “There's always some fuck wanting to bring me down. Everyone wants to be on top, but it's just as hard as being on the bottom.”
His scent washed over me and I began to shake. Why did he have to smell so good? All spice and male sweat. Pheromone drenched.
“I'm not good for you, Ren.”
“Don't-”
“You saw me lose it. You should never have had to-”
I pressed my fingers over his lips. He stared at me in surprise, his green eyes searching mine.
“We've all got problems,” I said. “You don't think I've got more than my fair share?”
Fingers curled around my wrist. “It's not about me, Ren.”
“No, it's not. It's about us together and fuck everyone else.”
“What about the guy?”
“Didn't work out.”
“Already?”
“There's someone else.”
His hand fell away, hanging limply by his side. His forehead creased into a frown like he was wagering some internal battle and all I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss him. I hated him for pushing me away again and again, but I missed his arms around me as we slept. I missed his selfish stolen kisses. I missed him.
“Don't you see?” I whispered. I cupped his face in my hands, imploring him to understand. I didn't care about his problems or mine. Together we were better. I needed him and fucking scary as it was, my body needed him like flowers needed the sun to survive. I was desperate for his touch, for the release only he could give me.
We'd unconsciously moved closer, our bodies pressing together, our lips a breath apart. I felt his entire length and the sudden awareness shivered through me.
Ash moaned softly and thrust his hands into my hair, smashing his lips against mine. His tongue dove wet and hot into my mouth and I sighed into him, taking everything he gave. We'd kissed so many times that I thought I knew every part of him. The feel of his tongue as it danced with mine, his teeth as he bit my bottom lip, his addictive taste, but this was different. All this time he'd been chasing some kind of solace, but now? Now, his kiss was full of pleasure...and a possessiveness that threw all coherency out the window.
“If I give you this,” he murmured against my mouth. “If I give you it...if I taste you. I can't-” He stumbled over his words and my eyes opened. Ash lost for words, vulnerable, was a little frightening.
“Can't what?”
“Let you go.”
We stared into each others eyes for what felt like an eternity. I understood the meaning behind his words, how hard it was for him to admit it. He had problems, but so did I. I was still willing to go all in, no matter the consequences. My entire body hummed with him, not for. We were in tune.
“I'm not letting you go either,” I whispered.
Then we were a mess of hands, tongues, lips, falling to the mat, entwining with each other. He was so heavy, but I didn’t care. I wanted to feel him press over me, into me, I wanted to feel his body completely. Hands brushed over my breasts, my nipples aching to be free and sucked. Who was Ren? She was gone, she’d vacated the building and all that was left was what was about to happen. I was about to get what I’d lusted after for weeks and weeks.
Don’t stop. Never stop.
Moisture dripped between my legs, soaking into my knickers as Ash’s hand slipped into the front of my shorts against my skin. I bucked into him as he circled my clit once, before plunging further, feeling what he did to me. His eyes widened as he hissed, spreading my arousal with a thick finger.
“Ren,” he murmured. “Fuck it to hell. Fuck it all-”
He slipped a finger inside my pussy, exploring my depths and I moaned into him. What was mine, was his.
Take it, take me.
He pulled his hand away and I whimpered, but he yanked my top up and off in one fluid motion. The clasp on my bra snapped open and air kissed my bare skin. Then his mouth was on my breasts, sucking and licking at my nipples. I fisted my hands into his hair, holding him in place, digging my nails into his scalp. His mouth moved lower, licking my cleavage and descending down, down into the danger zone.
He was gone for a split second, ripping off his hoodie and T-shirt, before his hands tugged my shorts and knickers off in one go. My boots came off at some stage, but I was too far gone to notice little things like clothing.
“Fuck, Ren. Fuck.” Ash’s gaze was raking up and down my naked body, zeroing in on that place between my legs, the one I wanted him to touch so badly.
“Touch me. Ash,” I breathed. “Don’t stop.”
His gaze met mine for a split second, and it was full of fire, lust, pain, need and everything all at once. Big hands slid along my inner thighs, pressing my legs apart and he lowered closer and closer to the sweet spot, making me tingle in anticipation.
Abruptly, Ash’s tongue rasped the length of my pussy before his mouth clamped over my clit and sucked. Arching my back, I thrusted my hips up, wanting more pressure. A hand circled around my thighs, forcing me back down onto the mat and held me in place with a strength that was overpowering.
A finger stroked my length before dipping inside, circling as his tongue worked my clit and I moaned loudly. He started murmuring something into my pussy, but I couldn’t understand. All it did was vibrate through my sensitive skin and push me closer to the edge. Then he was thrusting another thick finger in with the first, rubbing me from the inside out.