by Devon Shubin
“So, you heard all my thoughts about the pork loins and bacon jokes?”
“Yeah, they were good. I particularly like the one about pig’s feet.”
The Space Traveler sighed, “Okay Fretch, we can discuss that ability later, but right now I need you to spy on these rebels and listen to their thoughts, find out everything you can about them.”
“No problem.”
“I set your earpiece to Boda, so now you can hear everything they say. Now, get down the center pathway and I will take the one to the right here. Whisper into your headpiece ok.?”
Fretch placed the earpiece over his ear the best he could as it was not designed for a pig-man creature. Fretch smiled in the darkness, then he burped. “I gotta’ lotta gas.”
“Ok, let’s get moving before we are caught. Stay quiet, control your burps and snorts. I don’t wanna’ end up as a prisoner down here.”
“Ok, no problem.”
The Space Traveler looked at Fretch. He thought, ‘I know you can read my mind so please stop saying that.’
Fretch said out loud, “I’ll try, it’s kind of my thing.”
Irritated, the Space Traveler scratched his head and entered the mouth of his tunnel with the two bags of testing equipment in his hands. Fretch walked down his tunnel nice and quiet. Tiptoeing if he could, for a fat pig-creature. In the Space Travelers tunnel, he was sliding across the ground and feeling the walls for any activity or tremors from approaching Bodas. He knew the Bodas were a cautious creature and they would not come darting down the tunnels especially if they heard or felt the tremor from the blast.
Fretch pushed his earpiece and whispered, “Inspector,” the Space Traveler responded through the earpiece, “What?” Fretch replied, “I smell sea food.”
“Then we are close, stay vigilant and above all else be quiet.”
Snort! “Ok, no problem.”
The Space Traveler clicked off the ear piece and said to himself, “We are going to get so caught.”
A moment went by and his earpiece crackled, “I heard that,” Fretch said and then clicked off the intercom. He crept down his tunnel, following the scent of fish. Eventually, some hundred or so feet farther down the dark tunnel he saw light emitting. He followed it down and down until he crept around a corner and peeked out into an opening through a slender path. It led to a larger opening with hundreds of Bodas eating sea creatures. They were chanting something but he could only make out, “SIVLE!” “SIVLE!” “SIVLE!”
Fretch hit his earpiece, “Inspector.”
“What do you have Fretch?” he whispered back.
“The rebels are chanting, ‘sivle.’”
“Yeah, that’s the salt seasoning they are harboring. It’s the only flavor the Bodas have for sea food.”
Fretch thought about it for a moment and then responded, “Sea food already has a taste.”
“Not on their planet. Try it sometime, it’s worse than slop.”
Fretch didn’t get the pig joke that time but he knew it was a wise-crack. He then asked him, “What should I do?”
“Can you listen to their leader’s thoughts? His name is Amrodian Jypie. He should have some throne or robe signifying him as their King.”
“Well, no problem, but I need to get closer to hear his thoughts.”
“How close do you need to be?” The Space Traveler asked.
“I don’t know, ten or so feet.”
“Ten feet? You’ll be seen. No way Fretch. I’m not losing another assistant, not today.”
Fretch looked down and could see what looked like in the center of the group a loud and proud Boda. This Boda had a crown made of fish bones and a scepter in his hands. “I think I see him, yes, that must be their leader.”
“Stay put, we need to come up with another plan. I’m approaching light and…wait a minute,” the Space Traveler came to the end of his tunnel and he could see the same opening with the rebels below. He looked out across the cavern and there was Fretch clear as day at the entrance of the tunnel.
“Fretch, I can see you, and that means all the Boda’s can too if they look up at you. Get back.”
Fretch stepped back and said, “No prob.”
He shook his head and responded to himself, ‘Okay, so we’re doing ‘no prob’ now? Great, another euphemism I don’t need.’ He could no longer see Fretch but he could see the leader prancing around the bones of sea food they had just devoured. The Bodas were chanting, ‘SIVLE.’ It annoyed the Space Traveler so much he wished he would just reveal himself to stop the chanting. ‘Wait a minute,’ he thought, what if he did that? What’s the worst that could happen. He was there to negotiate, right?
But he was too late. He could hear Fretch snorting and grunting through his earpiece. Across the chasm, he could see two rebel Bodas had seized Fretch and were forcefully escorting him down the pathway to the lower level. Their leader Amrodian Jypie noticed it first and pointed up at them with his right front hand/foot. “A spy!” he called out. “Bring it to me!” The other Bodas cheered and did that stupid looking prance dance where they were stomping all eight arm/legs on the ground. Now that really annoyed the Space Traveler. He knew what he had to do.
As the two Boda guards continued pushing Fretch down the pathway, Fretch looked up at the opening in the tunnel on the other side. He could see just the shadow of the Space Traveler. This caught the attention of Amrodian Jypie who looked up at where the Space Traveler was also, he too could see the shadow. He was smarter than King Beziah and it immediately showed as he called out, “Guards! Another spy!” He pointed upwards. Ten Bodas reacted and raced their short eight arm/legs up the pathway coming straight for the Space Traveler. “Just great,” he said to himself. Then he looked down at his laser.
Now, the thing about the Bodas is that most of their technology was destroyed or forgotten during their great war with the Huffrans. The Space Traveler could use this to his advantage and that is just what he did. He appeared from the tunnel shadows into the light so all the Bodas could see him. He was tall to them; his purple skin and hair was also distinct as the waters of their planet are similar in color. Some of the Bodas reacted to his presence by ‘ooooing!’ while their leader shouted, “Get him!”
Fretch, still being forced down the hillside almost reached the lower level watched his boss point his laser canon up and out at towards the ceiling of the chasm. The laser blast was like a firework and when it hit the roof of the caverns it exploded red flames. Down the flames fell toward the Bodas as they looked up and hissed at the approaching fire. Rock from the ceiling gave way and it too came down on the Bodas. Fretch felt this was the perfect time to escape and so he knocked the two guards over and raced back up the pathway.
The Space Traveler began to approach the ten Bodas who were coming from up the hill towards him. When he pointed his laser at them, they began tripping and bouncing over each other as they ran the opposite direction. He smiled at them and changed his laser to infrared. The large beam swallowed most the Bodas running away down the hill. Their insides were visible now. Hearts pumping, lungs filling and expelling air. On the lower level, the Bodas looked up and saw this and become frightened by the technology. They began running away toward the lower levels. The leader, Amrodian Jypie tried to stop them, “It’s a trick!” he called out, “A trick from the enemy.” Most were not buying it and fled from the campground anyways.
Fretch, still running up the hillside quickly, slowed down in his tracks when he saw that the tunnel entrance was blocked by four of five Bodas. He turned and looked across the chasm at the Space Traveler and behind him three guards came from his tunnel and were approaching him. Fretch called out to him “Boss!” and he then looked behind to see the three guards quickly advancing him. The Space Traveler fired the infrared laser at their bodies and they looked down at themselves.
“Gross,” the first one said as he could see his organs. The other two behind were looking at each other’s insides and one Boda barfed out a yellowish
vomit all over the face of the other Boda. That created a chain reaction, were the Boda who just got barfed on, vomited yellow goo over the body of the Boda who barfed on him. The Boda in the front of the two vomiters could smell the fishy vomit and this caused him to respond by barfing outward toward the Space Traveler who ran backwards just in time, avoiding the yellowish goo.
Fretch was captured now by four Boda guards who started pushing him down the pathway toward the leader Amrodian Jypie who called out, “bring them both to me!” He was hissing and chomping his gigantic sharp teeth as if chewing bubble gum. The Space Traveler now raced down the hillside toward Amrodian Jypie and set his infrared laser to containment mode. Firing the canon, it released a small netlike transparent web that landed over Amrodian Jypie and connected itself together forming a bubble. His eyes widened and he started beating the walls as he cried out, “Save me Bodas!”
Many Bodas came to his rescue and started biting down on the outside of the bubble with their sword teeth, but it had no effect on it. Their leader was trapped, for now. The Space Traveler set his canon to Freon and pointed it at some of the approaching Bodas but he was knocked over by a rock and hit the ground rolling. He looked over at where the rock had come from and one of the Bodas was throwing silver rocks at him. This ticked the Space Traveler off and he fired the Freon laser at the Boda, turning him blue and he was caught in suspended animation. Ten or twelve Bodas now encircled the Space Traveler who sat on the ground. It was over, he was caught.
Two of the Bodas grabbed him by his upped arms and he said, “all right, all right.” They lifted him to his feet after one of the Bodas took his laser canon and studied it. Another Boda said to the other, “Don’t try and use the technology, it is evil.” They brought him to Amrodian Jypie who was still trapped inside the transparent containment. They pushed the Space Traveler up to the walls of the bubble and Amrodian demanded, “Spy, release me from this prison or my men will eat you.”
“That sounds like a fair request.” He reached out at the top where the zipper ran vertically and pushed the button. The bubble shrank and transformed back from the web like ball to a smaller ball that sat on the ground.
Amrodian Jypie hissed and then approached the Space Traveler, face to face. His hot disgusting fish breath almost caused the Space Traveler to vomit. But if he did vomit, he knew where he would send the trajectory. He turned his head to the left, trying to avoid the foul odor. “What!” Amrodian Jypie asked, “You don’t like the smell of death?” His tongue wiggled between his teeth.
“Not particularly. Maybe you guys could invest in some toothbrushes. Perhaps try and grow some mint on this planet.”
“My breath is the last thing you should worry about spy! Who are you, and who sent you?”
“I am the negotiator, the Inspector from USHA. And the King of the Bodas sent me.”
“I am King of the Bodas!” Amrodian Jypie exclaimed as he raised his front two arm/legs and the rebels cheered around him. “And you, you are a spy from that pathetic false ruler who will starve to death and then I will rule the shores above Do you think you can stop me? Nothing can!”
“How long have you been hiding down here, keeping the sivle for yourself Amrodian?” The Space Traveler inquired.
Amrodian began circling the Space Traveler as he hissed his tongue and chomped down his ferocious teeth. “It not important to divulge intel to you spy! Instead, I will torture you until you expel all the secrets you are keeping. Beziah has had it out for me for decades now, and through you purple man, I will know everything about his plans against us.” He turned around to face his army of Boda rebels. He cried out to them, “The revolution!” His army cheered. “The Kingdom will be mine!” The rebels continued cheering.
“Um, I have a question Amrodian?”
The cheering softened and Amrodian turned back around to face him. “Yes, spy!”
“There are what, a hundred or so of you guys down here, hiding out, keeping the salt stuff for yourself, and Beziah has none.”
This thought intrigued Amrodian, he stepped closer to him, “Yes!?”
“Well, up there, Beziah has like forty thousand soldiers. How do you suppose you are going to defeat them?”
Amrodian hissed at him and then turned to face his men. “The spy wants to know how we are going to win the battle? I will tell you how! We will starve Beziah and his men until they meet our demands!” The army cheered in agreement.
“Ummm..” the Space Traveler said. This caught the curiosity of Amrodian who turned around again and responded, “What is it now spy? I already revealed our plan and its future outcome. What more can there be?”
“Well,” he sung as he looked the rebel leader in his eyes, “There is just one its bitsy problem.”
Amrodian stared at him, “And?”
The Space Traveler looked around the open cavern at the army of Bodas hissing and chomping their teeth. “You see, I know for a fact that the Bodas up above,” he pointed up, “Are content with eating the sea food without the sivle. They’re doing it right now as we speak.”
This made Amrodian angry now as that accusation challenged his credibility. Amrodian snarled and yelled out to his men, his voice echoing through the caverns, “He lies!” spinning around to face his men he yelled, “The spy will never tell us the truth unless we torture him!” The Bodas reacted with cheers and stomping of their eight feet/hands on the ground. Then they began chanting, “Eat him! Eat Him! Eat him!”
“Yes!” Amrodian agreed with them. “We will eat them hand by hand, foot by foot, eye by eye and ear by ear until they confess their lies. And we will start with the pig! Yes” he pointed at Fretch, “We have not eaten tasty pig meat in centuries.”
The Space Traveler looked over at Fretch who was sweating bullets. The Space Traveler was a tall purple man, but Fretch, he was a potbellied pig to the Bodas. And so, all the Bodas could think about now, was centuries ago when they had land animals and that meant farms with cattle and pigs, big fat pigs. Fretch was right to be worried, as the two guards who held his arms called out, “Let’s have us some pork chops.” The crowd of Bodas cheered. The other guard holding him called out, “Let’s have some baby back ribs!” The army of Bodas cheered again. Fretchs eyes opened wide and his heart was racing. He was done for he thought.
They brought him closer to the fire and Amrodian came to meet them. He was licking his lips with his lizard like tongue. “I have waited a long time for some pot roast pork. Sprinkled with a little sivle,” he rubbed his two toe/fingers together in the air. “Now, tonight my belly will be satisfied with your flesh!”
The Space Traveler intervene, “Yeah, that may be a tasty supper Amrodian, but there is one issue you have not thought about.”
Amrodian couldn’t help himself, he was a curious one and the Space Traveler knew that. He was using it to his advantage to try and delay the predicament. Amrodian turned his head to face the Space Traveler and sighed, “What is it this time, spy?”
“Well,” he looked around the room at the other Bodas, “There is not enough for everyone. So, it’s not fair that only Amrodian, get some pork loin. Everyone should have some or none. That is the Bodian way, isn’t it?”
The crowd began to talk among themselves. He could hear some say, ‘yeah, that is true,’ other were mumbling, ‘yeah, I want some porky,’ and few began to complain, ‘who does he think he is?’ This seed of doubt crept into the naïve Bodas who had a natural desire to be fair and kind. Rebellion was not in their DNA.
Now, this frustrated Amrodian who looked around the room and noticed that his supporters were not happy. “Fine!” he called out, “We won’t eat him. But we will place them both in prison until I figure out our next move. Perhaps we may even send them to the Queen, so I can be free of guilt.”
The Bodas did not like guilt either. Now the crowds simmered down as the decision by Amrodian was made. It pleased the Bodas even though it was their feeding time, they had plenty of sivle and a reserve of food. T
he Space Traveler looked at Fretch and he looked back at him, he could see he was relieved. Poor assistant he thought. He was a few moments away from becoming dinner tonight and bacon for breakfast.
Amrodian approached the Space Traveler and said, “Spy, you will die because of Beziah’s treachery.” He smiled after a hiss or two and then commanded his guards, “Take the spies away to the cages in the lower levels.” The guards grabbed Fretch and the Space Traveler and ushered them forcibly down the pathway to a lower level where the caverns seem to shrink.
Meanwhile, up above at the entrance of the tunnel to the caverns, King Beziah and his army are in a speculating debate over what is happening deep below the mountain.
“I don’t think that they are dead King,” one of his advisors stated. The other advisor gave his thought, “If they are, no harm has come to us.”
The King shrunk in his uncertainty. He complained, “We need a new plan. The Inspector was the wrong man for the job. How about we draft a volunteer to go down and find out what happened?”