The Unexpected Life of Carnegie Lane

by Virginia Higgins

  “Yeah she works hard. Well I have to go. Ask her, and tell me how she got this story. Love you Kat.”

  “Love you too Lills, talk soon.”

  Katalie hung up and went to find Carnegie who was in a change room, oblivious to the conversation. The shopping virus was taking hold and she was in a sacred world of her own.

  Eventually they left the store, and at Katalies insistence they stopped for a coffee. Lilli’s words rang in her ears. How did she find this story? There was no time like the present to dispel her sisters’ trippy theory and leave all the esoteric coincidences behind. What she wasn’t expecting was the answer.

  “I dreamed it. It was given to me, by a girl in a dream. Before I woke up, she told me…Write this down. It was the strangest thing…” Carnegie drifted off, thinking back to the moment that started all of this.

  “And this idea had never come to you before that?”

  “Nope…I never had entertained the idea of writing at all for that matter.”

  “Oh…wow.” Kat was lost for words, she also felt the blood drain from her face. Maybe her family was closer to the mark than she gave them credit for. Only this time it did involve her. She wasn’t the baby anymore.

  They were walking back to Carnegie’s hotel, when they were confronted by two photographers. They were relentless, taking full advantage of the fact this was the first time Carnegie Lane and Katalie Bowman were photographed together. Up until this point, Carnegie had managed to control herself, yet there is a breaking point in everyone.

  Without warning she stepped forward, and pushed one of the photographers to the ground. She’d had enough. The other one couldn’t believe his luck. This was great footage and added to the theory that somewhere within her, she was violent by nature.

  “Carnegie, come on, walk away.” Katalie was trying to defuse the situation.

  “I’m so over this!” Was all she managed to say. “They are destroying my life!”

  “It will only get worse if you retaliate. Come…walk away.”

  She grabbed her hand and led her as quickly as she could towards the hotel. Once inside her room, and after Kat calmed her down, then left, Carnegie burst into tears. She missed her kids, and she missed Nate. There was a hornets’ nest in her stomach, not from the first of her interviews scheduled in four days time, but for the fact that in three days, Nate would arrive in London, and so far, she had no idea if he was even talking to her.

  It all seemed so unfair. She missed her music, her stereo and the simplicity of her ornamental audience. She wanted to run away now, before her heart broke anymore than it had. Nate had dumped her in the middle of this, and there was little to no excuse for not contacting her. He had found time before, why not now? Now when they were supposed to be closer. She wanted to sleep and stop thinking. She needed to change the direction of her thoughts, before they consumed her. She closed her eyes, and looked at the rooms of her life in her mind, thinking all the time….What did I miss? Eventually she fell into a fitful sleep.

  Katalie arrived back at her office and picked up her phone. She called Nate, and hoped he had some time to talk to her.

  “Kat…what’s up?”

  “Everything…” Kat didn’t know where to start this conversation, she didn’t know if she should apologize, and tell him she got it wrong. All she knew was that Carnegie was falling apart, and from what she was starting to realize, maybe there was more to why than she could ever understand.

  “How’s Carnegie Kat?” It was his first thought, and the seriousness in his voice assured her that he was concerned.

  “Not good, she knocked down a photographer today.”

  “Good for her.” Nate said out loud, although he knew the consequences of her action would only lead to more negative press.

  “Nate, I think I was wrong, maybe I shouldn’t have told you to stay away.”

  “Too late now, what’s done is done.”

  “I think she needs you. I don’t think she can go through this alone.”

  “I haven’t left her. I’ll be there in three days. I have no intention of staying away from her.”

  “Have you called her? I know what I said, but Nate… Please, can you call her?”

  “You know Kat, I did what you said, I stayed away. I denied all points of contact in interviews, and I’ve hated myself for it. I did all of that because you asked me to. Now, that you can’t control the situation, and the girl who matters to me is falling apart because of it, you change your mind and tell me to change our entire media direction yet again? Well you better make sure that whatever you decide, you don’t change from here on in, because you’re fucking with someone that matters to me. Do you get that?”

  “I know…I’m sorry.” She didn’t want to tell him about her conversations with Lilli, she knew she already crossed that line once. What she wanted was for Carnegie to settle down. Not just because of the book launching, also for the fact she could feel her pain. She was suffering as much, if not more than Nate.

  “I’ll call her. Oh and Kat. It’s going to be alright I’ll fix this, but you should have trusted me on this one. I’ve been playing tag with these people for twenty years. Sometimes telling them how it is… is always best. Now, you go do your thing, get her interviews ready. I’ll talk to Leonie, and see what I can do.”

  “Nate…thanks. I love you. I hope you know that.”

  “Always…”

  Leonie just happened to be in the room for the entire conversation, and she got the drift of it. She looked at Nate with a serious tone.

  “What do you want to do?” She asked genuinely. So far, they had said there was no more than a casual friendship in all interviews. Nate hated it from the start, but went along with it, avoiding any media attention surrounding her.

  “It’s a bit late now…I don’t have an answer for this one. I just hope…Carnegie understands that I haven’t abandoned her. I’m still here.”

  “Did you call her, when you got to France like you said you would?” Leonie had a feeling he hadn’t, and she knew from her own experiences, that there is a time line most women will hold onto before the longing, becomes a type of sadness and then eventually turns to irrevocable anger.

  “No…She was with Kat, I thought…she would be fine.”

  “Oh God Nate…call her now! I’m going to try to move your flight up a day, let us finish the interviews here. You need to get to her and soon.”

  They moved heaven and earth for an hour, rearranging schedules. Then once it was done, Nate picked up the phone.

  Carnegie was asleep, but aware of the phone ringing. She let it ring out once, before she eventually opened her eyes enough to pick it up to answer it.

  “Carnegie…It’s me.”

  “Who?” She answered sarcastically, still waking up, and face it, no matter who he was, he was just a man and she was upset with him.

  “I’m so sorry. I was only doing what I thought was best.”

  “It’s ok. I discovered the paparazzi have less balance with a camera in their hand. They fall over easily when you push them. Wish I thought of that before.”

  “Now, don’t go doing anything stupid.”

  “You’re telling me not to do anything stupid? Little bit too late for that, don’t you think? I get the feeling I’ve already been stupid, more than once in the past few weeks.”

  “Carnegie…We thought it would settle down.”

  “Yeah, well, it didn’t.” Now all she wanted to do was cry. There was no way she would let him know that. She was trying to play the brave, Helen Reddy ‘I am woman’ type of face. The one that said she was so independent, she didn’t need his help. Underneath it all, she would have killed to have him put his arms around her, and tell her it was going to be alright.

  “I changed the schedule. I’ll be there in two days. We were arriving the day of our first concert, but Leonie worked some magic, as she does, and I’ll be there a day before the band.”

  “Do you have any idea what I�
��ve been through? Have you read this stuff? It’s shameful. It’s the most humiliating thing that’s ever happened to me. Nate, it’s not true. None of it is true.”

  “Baby I told you, they don’t even care who you are, they have created a public persona of what sells. I know who you are. Your kids know who you are.”

  “Then who am I?” She wanted to hear it from him. She wanted him to tell her who he thought she was, because right now, even she was beginning to think she was Hitler’s daughter.

  “You are my Carnegie Lane. You can raise one eyebrow which defines your expressions. When you talk about your kids, your face softens. You have three smiles that I have seen so far, all of them different, all of them beautiful. You love walking in the rain and you are an amazing author. You sing as if you were born to be on a stage. Your laugh could light a thousand candles, and you are my perfect friend. And I fall more in love with you every day that I continue to breathe.”

  Well… she wasn’t expecting that!

  “Nate, hurry up and get here. This is so hard. I miss the kids, and… England hates me.”

  She cried out all her sorrows for the second time to him over a phone. Nate Bowman sat on the other end with a virtual shoulder and let her. He gently guided her back onto her path, and gave her tips for her interview, which she finally admitted she was nervous about. By the time they hung up, he was confident they were back on track.

  She lay back on her pillow, feeling better for the tears, and relieved that he called. Two more days, she told herself over and over again as if making a subliminal promise to herself. Then he would come and save her from this nightmare.

  Carnegie Lane, mother of four, idol to inanimate objects, and almost author, suddenly and unexpectedly… calmed down.

  Hey, Hey, when everything goes wrong

  Sometimes it makes no sense

  Hey, Hey there once was a time

  I should have known better then

  Hey Hey, although you may try

  It won’t come your way again

  Hey little girl,

  Where will you hide

  Who can you run to now

  “ Hey little girl “

  Written by Iva Davies

  Icehouse - Primitive Man Album 1982

  17

  Katalie had a feeling that Nate was behind the sudden shift in Carnegie’s confidence and she was grateful. For two days, she prepared her, and guided her into speaking publicly about her book. She taught her tricks to avoid media questions unrelated to the launch and release. Carnegie found a strength inside of her, as she came into her own. She did write this book, and it came from a good space. Ross Hartman, the editor at Grays was another advocate in her corner. He liked her, as much as Katalie did. Carnegie Lane had a great personality. She even began to joke about the media reports. Especially the one about her assaulting the photographer.

  “Wish I really gave him a good thump. He was a sook, I hardly touched him anyway.”

  “Yeah, he probably just staged it with the other photographer.”

  “That would be right. They are like leaches. They feed of other people as if it was their right to do so. One day, all the authors, singers and actors will go on strike, and show the world how boring it is without them. Then see how much they like the paparazzi and their crap.” Carnegie was drinking her coffee in the office, admiring how comfortable the chairs were that swiveled around in Ross’s rooms.

  “It’s just the sad reality of this industry. This will blow over. Once your book comes out, there will be two sides to the story instead of just one. Wait and see.”

  “I hope so.” She said genuinely as she finished her cappuccino.

  Carnegie Lane was outwardly brave. She always had been. Inside there was a fragility that was yet to be exposed. She thought about Nate, he was arriving later that day. Even though he had called, she still felt like her world was volatile. It had the potential to break and shatter at any moment. It had happened before, why would she think it wouldn’t happen again?

  If there had been more signs she was able to read that her marriage was dying, she wouldn’t have the dormant cyclone inside of her now. That cataclysmic shock she felt once before had fractured her world, like an earthquake. From every wound, there is a scar, and even though every scar tells a story that screams out “I survived”, they still had the ability to change the inner fabric of your soul. It was exactly what happened to Carnegie. What she could and couldn’t survive, never had the chance to be tested since it began to be healed.

  What she had with Nate was very much being tested. The score to date was far from perfect. He had abandoned her to a degree, even though it was never his want or intention to do so. She didn’t blame him, but somewhere inside of her, she was searching an imaginary room, turning over the objects and looking for the missing piece, the one that she could replace so he wouldn’t call her one day, explaining that all along there was someone else.

  Katalie dropped her back at the hotel. She made plans to meet up with her and Nate later, and was bringing Jason, her other brother along. They decided to go and have dinner. Somewhere quiet, and hopefully away from the media eye.

  Carnegie lay on the bed in her room, in her mind she sang the words to The Same Deep Water as you, one of her favorite Cure songs. She fell asleep, dreaming. This time the girl in her dream wore a cheerleader uniform and held her gently. She told her over and over, everything would work out fine. Carnegie believed her.

  Nate arrived and booked into the Ritz hotel, onto the same floor. He knocked on her door when he walked past, but there was no answer, so he took his bags to the room, then called her from there. She woke up and answered the phone.

  “Hi” He said, happy to talk to her again.

  “Hey you! Oh my god, what’s the time, where are you?” Carnegie sat up, looking at the clock realizing she had been asleep a lot longer than she had planned.

  “I’m right here.” There was a knock on her door. She dropped the hotel phone and stopped for a split second in front of the mirror, deciding there was no time now to fix herself up, she ran over and opened the door. There he was, that picture perfect friend, the one she struggled to believe was hers. He kissed her on the forehead, put his arms around her and walked her backwards, just enough to close the door.

  At dinner that night, she felt like she belonged in this family. Jason was so sweet, a little different but definitely a sweet boy. She loved the interaction between Kat and Nate. She was comfortable. It was when Nate left the table with Katalie to get the drinks that Jason turned her world upside down… Just a little.

  “It’s nice to meet you Carnegie, and I can’t believe how much you look like Taylor. In a way.”

  “Who’s Taylor?” She asked innocently.

  “Nate’s girlfriend, well not now she isn’t, she died when she was eighteen.”

  “Oh…I didn’t know.”

  “Oh yeah, it was big, he took it hard, she was the absolute irreplaceable love of his life. You look like her but older, I can see it. Amazing how your book almost tells it like it happened too. She died in a car accident and Nate saw it all, actually, she died in his arms.”

  Carnegie went pale, Jason noticed.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. Hey, it’s just an observation, none of it’s a bad thing, I have a habit of saying things I shouldn’t sometimes.”

  “It’s alright Jason, it’s just...I had no idea.” That dormant cyclone in her chest began to stir, she was suddenly a replacement, for the irreplaceable. It all began to make sense, in a strange creepy kind of way.

  Their conversation ended when the other two came back to the table, unaware of what had been said. Carnegie looked at Jason, as if between them, they had a secret. The table talk continued, she heard it, and responded as best she could. She felt suddenly distanced from them all, and wished she was back at home with those kids, she even missed Sienna’s head lice.

  The second hand on the clock that sat on the wall behind her, became the loudest s
ound in the room…tick…tock…tick…tock. Above all the voices in that restaurant, she focused on it. Time was how she counted her life. Seconds, moments, minutes, hours, days and weeks. Her goal had always been to survive them, to get to the next one without falling apart. Catalysts are amazing things. The straws that can break the camel’s back are often insignificant. Carnegie had survived more heartache and torment than anyone deserved. Yet, the realization that the man she was falling in love with had a girlfriend called Taylor, who died just like in her book, was what began to bring her unstuck. She didn’t know why, she just knew it mattered. She spent the rest of that night going through the motions of time, yet she felt nothing. She was numb.

  Nate was up early the following day and ordered breakfast. Carnegie was lingering, unsure if she should open a conversation about what Jason had told her. She decided not to, and pretended to continue on as if nothing else had happened.

  “So…I have a pass here for the concert tonight. It gives you full access, just come when you’re ready, come early if you like I’ll be there from 6pm. Call Leonie, she will arrange a car.”

  “Yep…ok.”

  “Oh, and tomorrow, I told Kat I was kidnapping you, so you get the day off. I want to take you to meet a friend of mine. You will love her.”

  “Yep…ok.”

  “Is that all you can say?”

  “Yep.” She laughed. “Ok”… He just looked at her, then there it was, that searching thing he did. He was looking at her, as if trying to find something.

  “Nate…what are you looking for?” She wondered how he would answer, since she now knew the truth.

  “I’m looking for you.”

  “Have you found me yet?” Strange conversation…she thought.

  “I hope so.” He reached over and kissed her on the cheek.

  “Got to go, I’ll be back later. Have fun, don’t slap any more paparazzi without me there to finish them off.” He laughed and she just put her head down, recognizing how stupid it was.