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by Leona Keyoko Pink

  I sighed and nodded. I supposed I could wait this out a little longer. After all, if I was going crazy then fifteen minutes from now I’d still be going crazy. I picked up an onion ring and began to chew on it. I ate slowly and they both finished before me. I listened to them talk a bit. Julia wanted to see a movie after we went shopping and hoped I’d be up for it.

  I calmed down after a bit and the food did make me feel slightly better. I wasn’t sure if I was up for everything but I said, “We’ll see,”

  When we were finished Lynn paid and we walked around the mall. There weren’t that many stores, but since Lynn was treating us Julia made it a point to go into every single one of them. She looked at nearly everything, things she wouldn’t even normally look at. I glanced at a few things but mostly hung back.

  I was worried I might start freaking out again if Lynn started talking to me or got too close. While I resolved there was probably something wrong with me he was obviously a trigger. Thankfully, he followed Julia around and mostly talked to her.

  From store to store the bags piled up and I started to feel bad for him as he dutifully carried them. I began to wonder if I shouldn’t say something to her, especially when we walked into a jewelry store. She started looking at a set of insanely expensive earrings. Just because Lynn had money and offered to buy us things didn’t mean she needed to buy out the whole mall.

  I laughed when I realized I was concerned...I guess I didn’t hate him after all. Truthfully, if I hated him I wouldn’t care how much money she spent. Screw him. I touched my forehead, wondering what was wrong with me. I didn’t like him, hated him, was concerned about him. I was just a jumbled up mess of emotions...and only when it came to him. ‘Why, why, why?’ I kept asking myself.

  I watched as Julia put the earrings on. Lynn was standing right next to her admiring them. I supposed if he wanted her to stop he could just say something. I tried to focus on other things and found myself looking at the various items the store had to offer. I realized I hadn’t been in a jewelry store in years.

  The last time I think I was here was when dad got mom’s ring restored for their anniversary. I remember thinking everything was so shiny. It still was but now it had a cost to it. I looked over some bracelets and saw one with beautiful blue stones. They sparkled under the lights of the display case. I leaned forward getting a better look. I vaguely saw a reflection in the glass and there he was right beside me, “Do you want it?” he casually asked as if it were nothing at all to just buy it.

  I stood up straight surprised and looked over at Julia. She was trying a bracelet on now. I could have sworn up until a second ago he’d been right beside her. I couldn’t believe I’d missed him crossing the room. I wondered why he suddenly approached me.

  “No...” I said realizing I hadn’t answered. “But thanks,”

  One of the women that worked there came over and asked if we wanted to see anything. Before I could respond he said, “Yes, the bracelet with the blue topaz,”

  I was surprised he knew the name of the stones. He probably purchased a lot of jewelry. When the woman brought it out of the display case I shook my head, “Really, thank you but-,”

  “Try it on...”he insisted, “Try it on and I promise I won’t buy it,”

  The woman behind the counter seemed let down. I didn’t want to waste her time. “Why try it on if I’m not going to buy it?”

  “Julia,” he said with a sigh, “She doesn’t think you’re having any fun,”

  “I am,” I said though I admit it was boring watching the two of them shop. Well, watching just Julia shop.

  “Still, she sent me over. Please just try it on so I can tell her you looked at something,”

  She’d sent him over. He hadn’t just popped up on his own. My assumption again. I nodded to the woman, feeling bad. I needed this day to end so I could figure myself out. The woman put on a fake smile and helped me put it on. I could tell she was disappointed we were just looking. I wasn’t sure if they got paid on commission here. If they did, then the woman that was helping Julia was making bank today...if Lynn got her any of it.

  The woman helping me coughed when she saw I was looking at Julia rather than the bracelet on my wrist. I looked down at it. It looked nice...felt good. I had never worn something so beautiful. I knew I wasn’t going to get it but for a moment I just let it sit there. When the moment passed I thrust my arm forward. “Thank you,”

  The woman nodded and took it off. She put it back in the display case once more. He was still standing next to me but I didn’t say anything to him. I just walked over to Julia. She had found a necklace. The kind an actress wore when they walked a red carpet. Okay, Lynn or not, this had to stop. I marched up to my best friend and said, “Are you serious...”

  “What?” she said checking herself out in a mirror.

  “You’re trying on the whole store,”

  “Jealous,” she said smirking at me.

  “Inconsiderate,” I snapped back.

  She frowned for a moment and I added, “You already got a lot...like, a lot. I thought you loved him. You shouldn’t spend all his money,”

  “I’m not,” she snapped, offended by my words. She took off the necklace and handed it to the woman, “I’m just giving him...ideas for anniversaries...”

  “Yes...your two month should be coming up quite soon,” I said sarcastically.

  “Could you try to have some fun?”

  “Yes,” I said, “But could we go. I thought you wanted to go to the movies,”

  “I do...if we leave now, will you come?”

  I didn’t know why it was so important for me to tag along. Our agreement was just for the mall. I really didn’t want to drag this day on any longer but I also wanted her to stop, “I will, but you’re done shopping,”

  “Fine,” said Julia as if she’d won something.

  The woman who was helping her smiled, “I do have a few more things you might like,”

  “Just the earrings today,” said Julia. “But do keep a record of everything I liked...for my boyfriend,”

  The woman nodded, “Of course,”

  Julia turned away from the counter and the woman called out to her, “I still need the bracelet back and I’ll need to process the earrings,”

  “Right,” said Julia, slightly embarrassed.

  She handed back the pearl bracelet and took off the earrings. When I turned to look for Lynn he was right behind us, “You’re done?”

  “Yes, Becca wants to go to the movies,”

  “I’m glad you’re feeling better,” said Lynn.

  “Me too,” I grumbled.

  Lynn paid and then we went out to the car. I waited a moment as he put everything in the trunk. I wanted to see if it would all fit. I was sure some of it might have to sit next to me. Somehow he managed. His trunk must have been empty.

  We got in the car and he drove us to the theater. We had a few minutes to wait before the next show so Lynn insisted on buying us snacks. I’d turned him down on the bracelet but when it came to this I budged. I was still pretty full from lunch but I loved buttered popcorn and I wanted some Yik Yaks. They were my favorite candy and the theater was pretty much the only place I could still get them.

  The movie we were seeing wasn’t all that busy. We sat in the middle on the theater. Julia sat between us. When the lights went out Lynn put his arm around Julia’s shoulder. His fingers rested on mine. I got the chills and decided to move over a seat. If they wanted to cuddle I was more than happy to give them space.

  As soon as I moved Lynn whispered something into Julia’s ear. She turned, noticing I’d moved. She grabbed my arm and practically yanked on me, “Get back over here. Don’t hog all the popcorn to yourself,”

  I moved back but sat as far over in my seat as I could. Lynn reached out a moment later, dipping his hands into the popcorn. He took a handful of it. I suggested Julia hold it so he wouldn’t have to reach over but she just hissed at me, “You’re the one who wanted it. Y
ou hold it. Now shut up,”

  I sighed and tried to focus on the movie. Almost halfway through they started to make out. I rolled my eyes as they tangled in each other’s arms. It was distracting, especially when Lynn’s’ hand wandered to my knee. I put the bucket of popcorn in my seat and moved two seats over. The movie got really good and thankfully I was able to ignore them for the rest of it.

  When we got outside it was nearly suppertime. I thought we were done now and Lynn would just drive me home but he drove to the park instead. When he parked and I realized where we were I asked, “What are we doing here?”

  “Getting ice cream,” he said, “I thought it would be a nice way to close out the day,”

  I sighed….I began to feel like this really would go on forever, “Okay,” I said sternly, “But this is it. After this please take me straight home,”

  “Why?” said Julia as she touched up her makeup in her compact. “It’s not like you have a life,”

  “Don’t be rude, Julia,” said Lynn.

  “Okay,” said Julia, “Ice cream and then we’ll take you home,”

  “Thank you,” I said and got out.

  We each got a cone and then walked around the park while we ate them. At one point Lynn started to tickle Julia and she dropped her ice cream all over her blouse. Her clothes were precious to her and I think they could have heard her scream a mile away. She rushed off to the park restroom and I found myself alone with Lynn.

  I knew I shouldn’t let this happen, that I should go in after her and watch her clean up until it was time to go, but I moved to sit on a nearby bench and finished my ice cream. Lynn sat next to me and I realized my skin wasn’t crawling. I was still cold but the urge to flee was barely there. Maybe instead of avoiding him I just needed to spend more time around him. Maybe I’d eventually get over this, whatever it was...

  “You don’t like me, do you?” said Lynn in a dull tone.

  I looked over to see he’d finished his ice cream. He had an arm over the bench and his legs were spread out as he casually relaxed. I realized he must have picked up on it. This whole time, I’d been thinking of how he affected me. How I didn’t like him, hated him, how I was messed up. What about him? How had my own strange behavior affected him? “I...” my voice felt small and tight from shame. I coughed clearing my throat, “I’m sorry. I just don’t know you,”

  “I want you to,” he said, messing with a loose thread on his shirt. “More than anything, I do.

  I licked my ice cream cone staring at the grass a few feet away, “Why? Why does it matter if I know you or not?”

  “It...matters,” he said quietly.

  I just sat there. I didn’t know what to say. Without warning he leaned closer to me and grasped my chin. He turned me so that I would look at him. So that I would meet his gaze. His eyes, his expression, frightened me. It was dark. He wasn’t smiling. He seemed intent, focused. “I want you…”

  His eyes shimmered with something, ever so slightly. Without thinking I dropped my ice cream as he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine. It was a powerful kiss, a dangerous kiss. My first kiss...

  Up until now I’d never been with a boy that wasn’t online. Never felt the softness of their lips, locked against mine. Every thought I had fell away as his tongue slipped into my mouth. He deepened the kiss and wrapped his arms around me, drawing me in tightly. Another strange feeling overtook me. Not one of dislike, or hate. I didn’t know what this new feeling was. It was an overwhelming, complex mixture of emotions. My heart ached and my body twinged with familiarity.

  I was filled with a sense of nostalgia. A wave of euphoria and longing swept over me. A passion deep within me stirred, shaking me to the core. I barely felt his fingers slide down to my pants, unbuttoning them. Darkness threatened to consume me as my vision went hazy. I felt like I was going to pass out.

  I closed my eyes as his hand sunk down the front of my pants and past my underwear. His fingers found and parted my lips with ease. He gently sunk the tip of one of his fingers inside me as our lips finally parted. He moved whispering in my ear, finishing his sentence, “to submit,”

  Chapter Four

  His words sunk into me, ‘I want you to submit...submit…submit. I felt like I was plunging into an ocean of unforgiving darkness. Suffocating in turmoil, and sadness, such sadness. I shivered...tears streamed down my face.

  Somehow, I managed to open my eyes. I felt like a statue, unable to move as I felt his finger sink deeper, pausing only when he touched the delicate membrane of my hymen. That seemed to be enough for him, for now. I felt his finger pull back and I could move again. Shakily I grasped his hand, helping it to retreat faster. He pulled from my pants and my surroundings that had all but faded into non-existence came rushing back.

  I scrambled to get away from him, falling off the bench and onto the ground. I kept him in my sights as I nearly crab walked, dragging myself away. I was afraid he’d come after me, but he seemed content to just watch as if he were watching a bug under a magnifying glass squirming in the sun.

  A moment later I became aware of almost deafening screams. For a second I thought they were my own but I turned to see it was Julia. She’d come out of the restroom. I could barely make out the words she was spouting at me. They felt muffled and far away but soon became clear enough,”

  “YOU TWO-FACED WHORE!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!” I’d never seen her so upset in all the years I’d known her. Instinctively, I scrambled toward her, my pants started to fall. She shook her head and barreled toward Lynn’s car.

  I got to my knees and pulled my pants up, buttoning them once more. It was a struggle to get to my feet but when I did, I called out to her, “JULIA...WAIT...I-”

  My knees felt weak, like they could barely hold me up. Each step I took felt like walking had suddenly become foreign. Still I pressed on, trying to explain even though I was still in shock. I still had no idea what had just happened.

  After a few seconds Julia whirled around. She rushed back to me and I could see her makeup running all over the place. Tear streamed from her eyes like an endless river. She was heartbroken, crushed.

  I stumbled closer to her and stammered over my words, “I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what happened.”

  My tears rivaled her own as I pleaded with her to believe me. I reached out to her and she slapped my hands away. In bitter anger she screamed at me, “You knew EXACTLY what you were doing! YOU LYING SLUT! You pretended you didn’t like him and jumped him the first chance you got!”

  “I DIDN’T,” I protested, crying out to her. Didn’t she know me? Didn’t she know I would never do something like this?

  “THEN WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU JUST DOING TO HIM!” she screamed.

  To him…To him? What was he doing to me? She slapped me. I was blindsided and didn’t have a chance to defend myself. She hit hard and fast, getting part of my ear. I stumbled back and nearly fell to the ground as pain surged through the entire right side of my face.

  I clutched my face in disbelief that she’d actually hit me. We’d hit each other before playfully but never to hurt, never with such malicious hatred. If her words and outburst weren’t getting across to me, her slap clearly made her feelings known.

  “STAY AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND YOU FUCKING CUNT!” Her screams carried through the park and other people began to notice us as she continued, “AND STAY AWAY FROM ME WHILE YOU’RE AT IT! I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! YOU’RE DEAD TO ME!”

  She turned sharply then and nearly twisted her own ankle in her high heels. She caught herself and continued her stride towards Lynn’s car once more. I continued to hold my face as her words tore into me like a knife. I sunk to my knees unable to think…

  He came up behind me then. I didn’t see him but his shadow through my swollen blurry eyes. He loomed over me for a second. I felt my back burn with cold as if someone had poured a bucket of ice water on me. I shivered, moving my hand from my face. I closed my eyes and held myself curling up in
to a tight ball. I wanted him to go away. I wanted this to stop.

  **********

  I don’t know how long he stood behind me or when they finally drove away and left me. I don’t know how much longer I stayed huddled in the grass but eventually I opened my eyes and saw it was getting dark. I stumbled to my feet, feeling like I’d just been in the fight of my life. I felt exhausted and I still had to walk home.

  Each step I took felt heavy and uneven. My stomach ached something fierce but I kept moving. I kept thinking about what had just happened, replaying it over and over again in my mind, hoping it would help me to understand.

  Julia had gone to the bathroom. I’d sat on a bench to finish my ice cream. Lynn sat next to me. We started talking. He wanted me to know him... Why? He’d said it mattered...but why? He...he...I’d dropped my ice cream. I looked down as I walked and saw a stain from where it had landed and melted.

  My throat felt dry and my eyes were itchy. I kept thinking about it. He leaned into me...and then…and then... It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. Were first kisses supposed to be like that? What was going on with me? How could I feel so strongly one way and then completely another way? The intensity of that kiss. I ran my fingertips over my lips and then stopped walking as I remembered what he did next.

  When had he put his hand down my pants? I dug my fingers into my hair walking in circles. Why, why the fuck had I let him? I’d just sat there as he violated me. I just sat there and let him finger me in the local park. What was wrong with me? Why didn’t I move? Why didn’t I stop him? I burst out crying, falling to my knees on the sidewalk. It was getting darker and for a moment I didn’t even know where I was. I was so shaken.

  For several minutes I just sat there on my knees, chewing on my lower lip. I felt like a complete and utter idiot. When I managed to talk myself into getting up, I continued once more. With my first step I thought of Julia. Oh Julia, she was never going to forgive me for this. I don’t know how much she saw… what exactly she thought I’d done.