The Slackers Guide to U.S. History

by John Pfeiffer

  Czolgosz shot McKinley at the Pan Am Exposition being held in Buffalo, New York. Leon simply walked up to the president and calmly pulled out his pistol, shooting the president twice. After the shooting, the crowd beat Czol-gosz, nearly killing him. Despite the crowd's lack of follow through, the courts finished what they started, as Czolgosz was executed in the electric chair in October 1901.

  Who Was That Man?

  As for the legacy of the dead McKinley, it is the legacy of the forgotten president. He quietly and uneventfully passed away from the gunshot wounds eight days after the shooting. As a symbolic gesture of remembrance, the government named a mountain after McKinley in the far off and nearly uninhabitable state of Alaska. In keeping with McKinley's forgettableness, many Alaskans simply refer to the mountain by its Native American name, Denali.

  After his death, Americans felt they had awakened from a case of amnesia, as McKinley was succeeded by Theodore Roosevelt, a much more memorable president in Americans' minds. BUT IN HONORING MCKINLEY BY PUTTING HIM ON THE $500 BILL, WE HAVE ASSURED THAT MOST AMERICANS WILL NEVER KNOW THE FACE OF OUR TWENTY-FIFTH PRESIDENT WILLIAM MCKINLEY.

  1913 INCOME TAX ENACTED

  Through the magic of the IRS, American workers have the opportunity to help finance lavish White House dinners

  Proud to Be an American

  Over the years, Americans have been fortunate to have numerous opportunities to be proud of their country and its citizens, both natural and naturalized. Starting out with a handful of unwanted European castoff s that stormed the shores of the east coast of what is now the United States, they were able to convince tribe after tribe of Indians that they would enjoy the challenges of raising their families out west where the conditions for difficult farming were ideal. Through intimidation and near daily beatings, they were able to make use of unruly black labor to harvest cotton, tobacco, and sugarcane.

  THEY WERE ABLE TO TAKE A SEMILITERATE ACTOR NAMED SYLVESTER STALLONE, WHOSE BEST DIALOGUE CONSISTED OF GRUNTING, AND TURN IT INTO A SIX-FILM FRANCHISE. And finally, through generations of careful designer breeding, America was able to give birth to an eager porn star named Houston, who excitedly set a modern day gangbang record in 1999 by having sex 620 times over the course of eight hours. America stood at attention and their pride swelled on that fateful day.

  Even with all of these explosively satisfying moments, nothing makes hard-working Americans feel prouder than when they look at their pay stub every other week and see their automatic contribution to the Internal Revenue Service.

  First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage

  Capitalizing on Americans' desire to fund government projects before funding their family bank accounts, the Sixteenth Amendment to the Constitution, ratified in 1913, provides the federal government the authority to levy taxes on personal income. This wildly popular amendment called for a progressive tax that allowed the highest earners the satisfaction of contributing an even greater proportion of their income to the beloved IRS. During the honeymoon stage, the income tax started at 1 percent of taxable income above $3,000 for individuals and 1 percent of taxable income above $4,000 for married couples, ensuring that a marriage penalty would always be part of the tax code and the honeymoon with the IRS would never end.

  It is through the magic of the IRS that American workers have the opportunity to help finance freedom fighters in other countries, host lavish White House dinners for hated foreign dignitaries, and provide subsidies to insanely profitable oil companies to continue their willingness to sell us their products that we have come to love and cherish.

  Pay It Forward

  Recognizing that wealthy people are very passionate about war and they are inherently philanthropic, the income tax levels were adjusted to call for top earners to contribute 77 percent of their income to the IRS during World War I and an orgasmically satisfying 91 percent during World War II. For many big-hearted rich Americans, the war ended too soon. With the scaled-back tax rates of peacetime that followed, many of the richest of the rich were left feeling a little charitable void in their life.

  Fortunately for today's Americans, little has changed. The opportunity to participate financially in foreign conflicts is still mandatory. The rich are still given the opportunity to experience higher taxation rates. The marriage penalty is still in place and every once in a while we still get to pay for the food and entertainment of political leaders that hate us. THE IRS: SCREWING YOU LIKE A HONEYMOON BRIDE SINCE 1913.

  1914–1918 WORLD WAR I

  Both sides declined the invitation, choosing to have a meet and greet luncheon with Cameron Diaz instead

  Shot Heard Round the World

  Decades before the LA Bloods allegedly shot Notorious B.I.G. in retaliation for the murder of 2Pac, there was a slightly less memorable shot heard around the world when Archduke Francis Ferdinand was gunned down Compton-style by the Serbian Blood Gavrilo Princip while in Sarajevo in 1914.

  Besides being the target of Blood-on-archduke violence, Ferdinand was the heir in waiting to the Austrian throne. AS AUSTRIAN ROYALTY, THE FAMILY OF PRIVILEGE ENJOYED FREE LIFT TICKETS TO THE COUNTRY'S MUNICIPAL SKI RESORTS ALONG WITH AN ASSORTMENT OF “WE'VE GOT YOUR BACK” FRIENDSHIPS FROM A HANDFUL OF CAPITALISM-CRUSHING WORLD LEADERS AND THEIR MILITARIES.

  With the orderly succession to the Austrian crown now out of succession and Princip's assassin behavior exposed, the Austrian military declared all out Armageddon on Princip's home country of Serbia. Not without friends, the tiny nation of Serbia received military support from neighboring Russia. As Russian troops entered the fray, the first country to overreact to the ruble users' involvement and the archduke pushing daisies was the 1990 FIFA World Cup champion, Germany.

  Enthusiastic to share the joys of war with other European countries, the Germans responded by checking off France, Serbia, and Russia on their Declaration of War paperwork. AS FRANCE BECAME ENTANGLED IN THE WEB OF WAR, THE “SOCCER-IS-FOOTBALL” NATION OF GREAT BRITAIN EAGERLY DECLARED WAR ON GERMANY BECAUSE OF THEIR FRIENDSHIP WITH FRANCE.

  American Reaction

  Coming off the heels of the American Revolutionary War of 1775–1783, the War of 1812, the Mexican War of 1846–1848, the American Civil War of 1861–1865, and the Spanish American War of 1898, the almost pacifist nation of the United States naturally played Swiss with the growing European conflict, openly expressing its neutrality. In an effort to mediate a quick resolution to the war, in August of 1914 the American government off ered to send Judge Judy, and in case the Germans like African Americans more than women, Judge Mathis to Europe to negotiate a peace deal. Sensing the possibility of a near immediate victory, both sides declined the invitation, countering with their willingness to have a meet and greet luncheon with Cameron Diaz and Alyssa Milano instead.

  Germany Tugs on Superman's Cape

  As the diplomacy efforts of the United States failed to gain traction, the first significant battle got underway in September 1914. With a total disregard for human life, the First Battle of the Marne became a huge killing field. Between the dead and injured, each side suffered over 500,000 casualties. THE FRENCH EFFORT SURPRISED GERMANY, AS THE “DRINK BECKS RESPONSIBLY” GERMANS CONCEDED THE BATTLE, LEAVING THEIR LATE-AT-NIGHT STROKING FANTASY OF A QUICK AND RELATIVELY RESISTANT FREE TAKEOVER UNFULFILLED AND UNLIKELY.

  Dissatisfied with their success on land, the German armed force began a water offensive despite the daunting naval superiority of the British. Rationalizing that the fun and games on water should not be restricted to military vessels alone, the Germans targeted Allied fare-paying passenger and commercial ships.

  Testing America's desire to remain neutral was the U-boat assault and sinking of the British ocean liner Lusitania on May 7, 1915. Trapped in the death count were 128 American citizens. Reacting to the attack, President Woodrow Wilson commenced a letter-writing exchange campaign with the Germans, warning them against any form of continued aggression that included Americans. Hearing but not listening to the Amer
ican rhetoric, the Germans sunk the U.S. commercial liner Leelanaw in the coastal region of Scotland on July 25, 1915. The American death toll took another hit when twenty-seven citizens of the stars and stripes met their untimely death at the hands of an Austrian submarine while aboard the Italian vessel Ancona. As the American death count continued to rise, the federal government began making plans to abandon their Swiss ambitions and enter the war.

  America Enters Worldwide Orgy

  Following the unprovoked sinking of five more seaworthy American vessels, Wilson went in front of Congress seeking a declaration of war on Germany. Realizing the profitable nature of war and how it could positively impact their districts, members of the house and senate voted overwhelmingly for participation in the Great War.

  In an attempt to drum up the support of young American males, Congress passed the Selective Service Act on May 18, 1917, requiring all those fortunate enough to be between the ages of twenty-one and thirty to register for their right to be drafted and made into instant warriors. SHOWING A GREAT DEAL OF ENTHUSIASM FOR THEIR CHANCE TO BE SELECTED TO SERVE, 10 MILLION MEN PUT PEN TO REGISTRATION FORM, THROWING THEIR NAMES INTO THE I-CAN-DODGE-BULLETS HAT. Unfortunately for many, only 2.8 million people enjoyed the thrill of being chosen from the long list of age-qualified candidates.

  As the newly drafted American soldiers settled into the luxurious surroundings of war, the Russian military began pulling their troops out of the conflict, significantly reducing the number of available Allied combatants. With the Russians out and the battle-anxious Americans in, the tide of victory began to turn in favor of the Allied forces. In September 1918, nearly 900,000 mostly new-to-the-military Americans joined another 100,000 troops from the coalition of the winning in the Battle of the Argonne. Despite the heavy casualties suffered on the red, white, and blue side, the United States and their allies were victorious. Within weeks, the Germans waved a little white flag signing an armistice treaty to cease the killing at 11:00 a.m. on November 11, 1918.

  With the conflict over and a blueprint for peace agreed to with the signing of the Treaty of Versailles on June 28, 1919, the announcements of the human cost associated with the reaction to the archduke's assassination were sobering. A combined total of over 13.5 million people died and over 21 million people were wounded. Most of the deceased had been leading regular civilian lives before Princip ended the life of the archduke. After everything was all over, people from around the world reflected on how things would have been different if the archduke had been without friends in June of 1914.

  1914 THE PANAMA CANAL

  A man-made waterway built by pastry chefs

  Canal Knowledge

  After the French predictably fumbled the ball, making a deadly mess out of their attempt to connect the Atlantic Ocean with the Pacific Ocean with a man-made waterway built by pastry chefs, the United States stepped in and picked up where the French failure left off.

  Starting in 1880, France sent its most experienced éclair makers to Panama to begin construction of a forty-eight-mile-long birthing canal that would allow sea-weary sailors to avoid the trip around Cape Horn when attempting to ocean-hop from one to the other. For sailors who loved the scenery but not the sailing, a trip from New York to San Francisco was cut by 8,000 miles when using the Panama Canal.

  Immunizations Anyone?

  The idea for the canal dates as far back as the sixteenth century but it wasn't until the French showed their incompetence beginning in 1880 that anything really got started. Drawing on their egocentric yet underqualified and undermotivated workforce, the French government sent scores of soon-to-be quitters to the jungle and mountain ranges of Panama. With their spirits low and their ingenuity lower, the project quickly ran into many problems, not the least of which being the one-two-three punch of malaria, yellow fever, and a shortage of white wine. By 1889, the French had predictably given up.

  America Takes Over

  Ashamed of our French allies' results, President Theodore Roosevelt scolded the French prime minister for their continued tradition of running and hiding when things get tough and then bought the equipment they left behind in Panama for $40 million. John “Frank the Tank” Stevens was appointed chief engineer on the project. Stevens convinced Roosevelt that the canal needed to be a series of locks, which the French felt was an ugly and dirty solution, beneath their standards.

  With a workable solution from an engineer perspective in place, the United States made a large investment to control the diseases that had devastated the French construction force. This effort resulted in the deaths of a much more manageable 5,600 workers. Once the disease issue was under control, work progressed much more swiftly. To the disappointment of the French, the canal was completed in 1914, a full two years ahead of schedule.

  With the Atlantic Ocean and Pacific Ocean now connected through a manmade canal that to this day stills gives Sheiks from Dubai a little wood for its engineering brilliance, trade around the world is easier than ever. The total American investment in the project was approximately $375 million. AT A CAMPAIGN STOP IN OHIO DURING HIS RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN, THE FISCALLY RESPONSIBLE PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH WAS OVERHEARD SAYING, “FOR THAT PRICE, THEY SHOULD HAVE BUILT TWO!”

  1920 WOMEN GET THE VOTE

  Burning bras and hairy legs began to rise at an alarming rate

  I Ain't Nobody

  If a woman walked into a polling station on the second Tuesday in November of an election year in the early nineteenth century, she would be turned away. The mystic powers of the female may include a tendency to change their mind at a moments' notice and the ability to give birth, but it did not include participation in America's electoral process. The responsibility to ensure that only the most capable men were elected to shape government policy through democracy rested solely on the willing shoulders of American males.

  Change of Position

  Beginning in 1848, social reform hopefuls Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Lucretia Mott got out in front of women's quest for a devalued vote. It all started in 1840 when Mott and other women were denied being seated at the World Anti-Slavery Convention in London. During this freedom reigns conference Mott met the more radical Stanton, who in addition to liberating slaves, had hopes of freeing turtles from their shells, and tea from the oppressive pot.

  Mott and Stanton became fast friends. Once they began talking, they decided there was a laundry list of rights women should fight for. In addition to the right to vote, the dynamic duo also decided to fight for tampons in women's restrooms, sports jerseys to come in pink, and Vietnamese-owned nail salons in every strip plaza. Just as momentum seemed to be building, the Civil War came along to distract attention away from women's voting rights. Women and blacks shared the distinction of being equally unimportant when it came to selecting the president of the United States. But the passing of the fourteenth and fifteenth amendments were about to have the same effect as if women's husbands around the country told them they did indeed look fat in that dress.

  Women on Bottom

  Women were royally pissed in 1868, not because it was their time of the month, but at the ratification of the Fourteenth Amendment because it defined “citizenship” and “voters” as “male,” and raised the question as to whether women were considered citizens of the United States at all. Then the insulting Fifteenth Amendment came along and gave black men the right to vote. The black man had successfully leapfrogged women on the rights ladder. Tempers flared among women's rights groups, and incidents of burning bras and hairy legs began to rise at an alarming rate.

  The Holy Grail

  After years of nagging, whining, foot stomping, and withholding of sexual favors, women got the right to vote as both houses of Congress passed the Nineteenth Amendment, and in 1920 it became ratified under the presidency of Woodrow Wilson. MANY SEXIEST MEN FELT THE PASSAGE OF THE NINETEENTH AMENDMENT WAS LIKE GIVING THE CAR KEYS TO A DRUNKEN MONKEY. Unfortunately, for the many women who decided to vote, they soon realized that even
with the right to vote, super-delegates and the Electoral College still guaranteed that men would continue to get the final say on the issue of who is elected as president.

  1921–1933 PROHIBITION

  Amendments are like blackjack

  Volstead, You Are Not My Daddy

  It is likely Minnesota Republican congressman Andrew Volstead's heart was in the right place when he was leading the charge for the National Prohibition Act, just not his head. The “Noble Experiment,” as the Eighteenth Amendment is called, was a complete disaster — on a par with the time you suggested a threesome to your girlfriend and her best friend.

  The reasons cited for enacting the Prohibition Law were to reduce crime, corruption, and poverty; solve social and morality problems; and improve the general health and hygiene of Americans. Alcohol was being blamed for everything from bad breath to violent crime. With a constitutional amendment, Volstead and his fellow legislators made it illegal to transport, sell, manufacture and most importantly consume alcoholic beverages.