The Slackers Guide to U.S. History

by John Pfeiffer

  How Low Can You Go?

  This explosion of enthusiasm for government-backed higher wages resulted in the business community fighting back to protect their ability to pay women a discouraging low wage. They felt so strongly about the inequality of women's efforts that they began arguing their case to abandon minimum wage laws in front of the Supreme Court in 1923.

  POINTING TO THE “FACT” THAT A WHITE MALE CAN DO THE WORK OF TWO WOMEN AND A BLACK MAN, NEW JERSEY'S FINEST COURTROOM ATTORNEY AND MY COUSIN VINNY LEAD VINCENT GAMBINI CONVINCED THE SUPREME COURT THAT THE ENFORCEMENT OF WAGE FLOORS WAS DISCRIMINATORY TO HARD WORKING WHITE MALES. This argument proved to have some legs, as the Supreme Court struck down minimum-wage laws, and the ability to pay peasant-like wages to women quickly returned, exotic dancers being the exception.

  FDR Does the Minimum

  A decade and a half later, sympathizer to the poor President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Fair Labor Standards Act, which was a federal law that required American workers to receive a minimum of twenty-five cents an hour for their time and effort while at work. Critics claim that the minimum wage hurts small business owners, while proponents claim it helps motivate workers. But if you are cleaning up shit in a McDonald's bathroom for minimum wage, the motivation bird has probably already flown the coop. Although the federal minimum wage has been adjusted over the last several decades, Florida farmers have continued to enjoy their agricultural exemption and continue to pay the illegals picking their citrus the original twenty-five cents an hour outlined in 1938.

  1939–1945 WORLD WAR II

  Mike Ricci ugly

  German Uprising

  In 1919, at the end of World War I, a defeated and disgruntled Germany signed the punishing treaty of Versailles. This treaty proved to be unpopular with the German government, as it limited their military, gave away large amounts of their land, and worst of all, set a curfew and limited drinking at their Oktoberfest celebrations.

  In 1933, the rising German “politician” Adolf Hitler, fan of the “drink till you puke and then drink some more” routine at past Oktoberfests, found these terms unacceptable. In short, he was pissed. When the current German president died in 1934, Hitler and the Nazi Party installed themselves as the government. As soon as Hitler gained power he bailed on the Treaty of Versailles, announced he hated Jewish people, and began drafting a strong German Army via conscription. Sensing trouble, the United States quickly passed the Neutrality Act, just to let everyone know which side we were on.

  All Hell Breaks Loose

  At this point, global order began to break down. Mussolini's Italian forces took over Ethiopia in 1936 for their bountiful crops and easy-to-cultivate land. Proving there was something in the air, Spain orgasmically erupted into civil war that same year, and Joseph Stalin, strong-arm dictator of the Soviet Union, began a purge of resistance in his Communist house of pain.

  In 1939, the Nazi's took over the unpronounceable nation of Czechoslovakia. And although there was no full-scale war, Germany and Italy signed the so-called Pact of Steel, guaranteeing both countries' leaders would take the new Cialis once a day to ensure things were rock hard when needed. Hitler followed this up by signing a nonaggression pact with Russia in 1939, effectively covering Germany's ass from being attacked on both sides.

  With war now seeming more likely than not, Britain readied its armed forces on August 31, 1939. The very next day, Germany invaded Poland. Britain, France, Australia, and, thankfully, New Zealand immediately declared war on Germany. Making sure there was no confusion, the United States again publicly stated its neutrality. With the United States playing Swiss, our friendly neighbors to the north declared war on Germany on September 10, 1939. Inspired by how quickly they crushed the resistance in their own country, Russia joined Germany in double-teaming Poland, who went down like a nympho on ecstasy. Satisfied but not completely satisfied, the Soviets quickly turned and invaded Finland, as war raged on all throughout Europe.

  Germany followed up its confidence-building early victory by attacking Denmark, Norway, France, and Belgium, to name a few. LIKE HUGH HEFNER DOES WITH WOMEN, GERMANY WAS TAKING ON COUNTRIES THREE AT A TIME. Italy, no longer hiding its red, white, and green colors, declared war on Britain and France in June 1940. Also in June the Germans took Paris, and by August, Hitler's forces began their first bombing missions of London.

  The United States Takes the Plunge

  By 1941, things were Mike Ricci ugly. Showing no signs of slowing down, Germany sent its first troops to Africa and began invasions in Greece and Yugoslavia. Hitler then ignored his earlier agreement with Stalin and instead invaded his vodka-appreciating country. The confused and defense-deficient Soviets quickly signed a mutual-assistance agreement with the British. In August, the United States finally dipped its toe into the water and signed the Atlantic Charter with Great Britain.

  DEPENDING ON YOUR AGE, PEARL HARBOR IS EITHER YET ANOTHER MEDIOCRE BEN AFFLECK MOVIE OR ONE OF THE SCARIEST DAYS OF YOUR LIFE. On Sunday December 7, 1941, Japanese warplanes bombed Pearl Harbor and the U.S. Naval Headquarters on the Hawaiian island of Oahu. The battlefield of World War II had spilled over onto American soil. The war was about to change.

  The Tide Slowly Turns

  Americans were outraged by the attack and the surprise nature of it. There was an infusion of volunteers for the U.S. military. The United States and Britain immediately declared war on Japan, and Germany, in turn, declared war on the Unites States. As the United States and Britain joined forces, the tide started to turn in favor of the Allies. By November 1942, even the Russians were starting to show some fight against the Germans.

  The Final Act

  By 1942, German and Italian troops were surrendering in Africa. Allied troops took over Sicily. Italy, showing all of the conviction of a fat man at a dessert bar, soon surrendered to the Allies and then declared war on Germany, their former ally. On June 6, 1944, American troops needed to establish a foothold in Europe to begin their operations. After much debate, Normandy, France, was chosen as the spot of choice, despite its being well fortified by German forces.

  Allied troops stormed the beaches of Normandy, where they met unthinkable resistance. Before engaging, General Eisenhower was said to give the simple but inspiring command, “Full victory — nothing else.” The cost of admission into this horror flick was thousands of American lives. The beach stormers paid the price for their victory. As the plaque in the Eisenhower museum reads, “Almost 133,000 troops from England, Canada, and the United States landed on D-Day. Casualties from the three countries during the landing numbered 10,300. By June 30th, over 850,000 men, 148,000 vehicles, and 570,000 tons of supplies had landed on the Normandy shores.”

  By August 25, 1944, the Allies had liberated Paris as more and more allied victories became the norm. Disappointed with the direction his attempt for world domination was going, Hitler decided he couldn't win, and on April 30, 1945, he conveniently committed suicide.

  As news of his timely death spread, Germans everywhere were eagerly surrendering. Despite the writing on the wall, Japan kept on fighting, and on August 6, 1945, the United States dropped the first atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan. As the message was not sinking in, America dropped a second atomic bomb on Nagasaki, Japan, on April 9, 1945, and Japan surrendered.

  Epilogue

  World War II made Germany look so bad that even giving us Heidi Klum isn't enough to make up for the damage. Hitler made good on his hate for Jewish people, as a staggering 6 million were killed in concentration camps during the war. At the end of the day, Hitler makes Osama Bin Laden look like a teenage punk with a can of spray paint. The estimates of those killed in the war are mind numbing. Germany lost approximately 8.3 million people, of which 20 percent were civilians. The Allied count was a staggering 39.9 million, with civilians making up over half that number.

  The result of the war shaped the world as we know it today. The United States, Great Britain, and the Soviet Union emerged as the domina
nt global players. NATO WAS FORMED, AND GERMANY EVENTUALLY BECAME KNOWN MORE FOR BEER AND SAUSAGE THAN ASPIRATIONS OF GLOBAL DOMINATION.

  1945–1991 THE COLD WAR

  1-2-3-4, I declare a thumb war

  You're as Cold as Ice

  Brrr! The Cold War was not the battle between Dairy Queen and Baskin Robbins to establish ice-cream supremacy and the right to feed overweight and willing Americans all the high-caloric dairy products they could ever eat. No, the Cold War entailed the competition on all fronts between the Soviet Union, the United States, and their respective allies and puppet governments. THE COMPETITION WAS ABOUT AS SUBTLE AS A MESSAGE ON YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE FROM PAT O'BRIEN OR A MARV ALBERT TOUPEE. So whether it was the arms race, the space race, or a three-legged race, the two superpowers were in competition over anything and everything.

  The Cold Shoulder

  Allies at the conclusion of World War II, the United States and the USSR turned enemies as they disagreed on how to put the world back together again. Their different government philosophies made things extremely difficult. Like two giants entangled in a massive game of “1-2-3-4, I declare a thumb war,” these two nations fought indirectly for the better part of four decades.

  The Korean War, Vietnam War, and the Soviet-Afghan crisis were all wars in which the United States and the Soviets did battle without having an all out Hearns/Sugar Ray throw-down. Terms of endearment like “mutual assured destruction” prevented the two foes from pushing the big red button, launching nukes at each other, and throwing the world into nuclear chaos.

  From the jump, the Soviets pushed for international supremacy. They defended their right to spread communism globally despite its shortcomings, while at the same time attempting to intimidate the United States. In 1957, the Soviets shot a little fear into the American mindset when they launched the first intercontinental ballistic missile and, later that same year, sent the first satellite, named Sputnik, into orbit. Four years later, in 1961, Mother Russia demanded the withdrawal of all Allied troops from Berlin, Germany. When they received a polite, yet firm “no,” they created scores of day-labor jobs by building a “keep the people in” wall.

  As the arms race continued, a game of chicken ensued. Both superpowers stockpiled enough nukes to blow up our planet, Venus, Mercury, and our planet again. In 1962, the Cuban Missile Crisis brought the two nations to the brink of war. Finally, cooler heads prevailed, as neither nation wanted to bring nuclear winter to the world. Tension eased slightly, and the world breathed a sigh of relief.

  Siberian Rocky Road

  As the years dragged on like an unhappy sexless marriage, the Soviet Union continued to spend gazillions of rubles on an arsenal of weapons designed to destroy the United States, to the detriment of their own people's standard of living. ONCE PRESIDENT REAGAN RAN OUT OF BIRTHMARK JOKES, SOVIET PRESIDENT MIKHAIL GORBACHEV AGREED TO AN ARMS REDUCTION BETWEEN THE TWO NATIONS. This reduction was followed by the Soviet Union embracing its own version of capitalism.

  Unfortunately for Gorbachev, he learned that capitalism is no quick fix for a struggling economy. After years of experimenting with capitalism, the Russian people are now enjoying the good with the bad. For many, the best part of capitalism is their new-found choices in American ice cream.

  1949 THE FORMATION OF NATO

  A “who's who” and a “who's not” of developed and developing countries

  Rhymes with Potato

  Some people think the NATO acronym stands for Nations America Tea Bags Often. However, a smaller, less-informed population refers to it as the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. Since 1949, this organization has operated as a military front, designed to encourage smaller, strategically located countries to willingly allow the United States and Britain access to their country's land bases and air space in exchange for protection from the unpredictable and inherently aggressive Soviet/Russian government.

  The group's membership reads like a “who's who” and a “who's not” of developed and developing countries. Countries on the roster include recognizable names like Canada, France, and Germany, along with many not-so-recognizable names like Estonia, Latvia, and Slovenia. For many Americans, it is the fact that Slovenia is contractually obligated to have our American back that allows them to sleep comfortably through the night.

  The current group of twenty-six members has recently become more selective in their acceptance of new protection-seeking countries. It is believed that if the new guidelines were in place from the inception, countries with little to offer like Hungary, Iceland, and Luxembourg would currently be on the outside of the NATO window looking in.

  Who's In Charge Here?

  NATO defines itself as an organization that protects the freedom and security of its member countries by political and military means. This means that if a member country is feeling a little confrontational, they can confidently mouth off all they want, because if nonmember countries react aggressively toward them, it results in a series of American and British “shock and awe” retaliatory bombings. This cat-and-mouse game is popular within American military circles, as it allows U.S. forces to experiment with new and exciting toys of war on easily defeated opponents.

  MUCH LIKE THE FORMULA TO COKE CLASSIC AND THE COLONEL'S SECRET CHICKEN RECIPE, THE NATO HIERARCHY IS A DEEP SECRET. It has often been suspected that either Bulgaria is at the top of the organizational chart, because of the chaotic nature in which the organization operates, or the United States is the top monkey pulling the strings, because of how often they get their own way. There is no real evidence to disprove either theory, and ongoing smart money seems to be drifting toward a third-party candidate with a lower profile, like Portugal or the Netherlands.

  Getting a Little Action on the Side

  Over the last several years, NATO has expanded its role to mix in a little battlefield action inside countries that are not registered to the organization but still unable to defend themselves against atrocities occurring within its borders.

  In March 1999, NATO enthusiastically jumped into the Kosovo conflict, ignoring Kosovo's lack of membership. For seventy-eight days, NATO combatants enjoyed their demonstration of superiority over the in-the-wrong Serbian forces. Prior to the Kosovo involvement, NATO touched it up with the Bosnian Serb Army back in the late summer of 1995 inside Bosnia and Herzegovina. It has been rumored that there was even a French soldier who participated in the fighting before he concluded that war was beneath him and he surrendered to Serbian troops, requesting a bottle of vintage Merlot for his trouble.

  Today NATO operates exactly as it was intended to. The American government gets to pick and choose which countries it would like to confront, while the rest of the membership falls in line behind them. If the West Point grads need a little mountain warfare training, the United States can influence NATO to up its involvement in Afghanistan. If snow and ice are desirable, one of the former Soviet republics off ers a suitable training ground for NATO involvement. Regardless of conflict or cause, the tightly knit group of NATO members will always have America's back, because they are contractually obligated to do so — except for the second Gulf War, as nearly every one of the twenty-six countries found a loophole allowing them to forgo their military support.

  To further explore the inner workings of this international military alliance, let's take a look at the FAQs from NATO'S website and interpret their evasive answers:

  Q: What does NATO do?

  A: The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) is an alliance of 26 countries from North America and Europe committed to fulfilling the goals of the North Atlantic Treaty signed on 4 April 1949. In accordance with the Treaty, the fundamental role of NATO is to safeguard the freedom and security of its member countries by political and military means. NATO is playing an increasingly important role in crisis management and peacekeeping.

  Translation: NATO is a puppet organization of the United States. It currently exists to further U.S. interests in Western Europe. The United States wi
pes the other members' bottoms, and tucks them in at night as they suckle from our mostly prosperous capitalist teat. As the proverbial Mother Hen, the other member countries hide beneath our protective skirt when trouble comes.

  Q: Does NATO have its own armed forces?

  A: All member countries that participate in the military aspect of the Alliance contribute forces and equipment, which together constitute the integrated military structure of the Alliance. These forces and assets remain under national command and control until a time when they are required by NATO [for] a specific purpose (i.e. conflict or crisis, peacekeeping). NATO, however, does possess some common capabilities owned and operated by the Alliance, such as the AWACS early warning radar aircraft.

  Translation: Twenty-four of the twenty-six member nations dress out some soldiers who look good in the NATO brochures. But they stay on the bench during game time. When trouble comes calling, the United States and Britain provide 99 percent of the military force. But to be fair, the organizational agenda is 99 percent provided by the United States and Britain.

  Q: What are the conditions for joining NATO? Which countries are eligible?

  A: NATO has an open door policy with regard to enlargement. Any European country in a position to further the principles of the Washington Treaty and contribute to security in the Euro-Atlantic area can become a member of the Alliance at the invitation of the North Atlantic Council.