The Slackers Guide to U.S. History

by John Pfeiffer

  1–4 correct: By all accounts, you failed. Sorry, no retakes.

  5–7 correct: Nice work. Go visit a Jewish delicatessen and have some lunch — you earned it.

  8–10 correct: Congratulations! Find your lighter because you are lighting the Menorah next Hanukkah!

  1972–1973 WATERGATE

  The Dick was crooked

  Sounds Like a Scene from Boogie Nights

  Anytime a historically significant event includes secret tapes, a hotel, someone named “Deep Throat,” and a “Tricky Dick,” it is sure to cause an explosive reaction. But despite the promising plot lines, this story is far removed from a discrete recording of a fetish-centered porn.

  On June 17, 1972, five generally inept part-time burglars were arrested for their clumsy attempt to break into the Democratic National Committee Headquarters located in the Watergate hotel in Washington, D.C. This break-in wasn't your traditional smash-and-grab job that leaves behind the fingerprints of its perpetrators. Instead, it was an effort to see if the rumors about high-ranking Democratic Party officials wearing women's panties were in fact true, and to see if there was any other political dirt that could be used if President Richard Nixon's large lead in the polls did not hold up over the coming months.

  In addition to the five amateurs who did the inside work, two more under qualified criminals were arrested for being accomplices to the crime. All seven men were linked to an organization known as “CREEP,” or committee to reelect the president. Surely this committee and its plans were doomed to fail if their naming strategy session adjourned after agreeing on “CREEP.”

  Dick Obsessed

  With the seven unusual suspects in orange jumpsuits indirectly linked to President Nixon, an investigation ensued. Among the reporters covering these events were Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein of the Washington Post. During their investigation, they received a call from an anonymous informant code-named “Deep Throat,” who pointed the journalists toward information linking President Nixon to the Watergate break-in. In 2005, Deep Throat was identified as the not-so-sexy and more recently dead FBI deputy director, William Mark Felt Sr.

  Secret Tapes Show Crooked Dick

  As details of money laundering, slush funds, and political payoff s emerged the Senate promised to help the low-rated and rarely viewed C-Span television channel rebound from its dreadful Nielsen ratings report for the month of January. Keeping their promise as politicians rarely do, the Senate held hearings on the investigation from March 17 to August 7, 1973. The excitement was tremendous, as Americans were fixated with C-Span's HD coverage of the hearings. President Nixon was first dragged into the fray when Howard Baker of Tennessee famously asked, “What did the President know, and when did he know it?”

  SHORTLY THEREAFTER, FRED THOMPSON OF LAW AND ORDER FAME AND FAILED 2008 REPUBLICAN NOMINEE, SCORED LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR ON PROM NIGHT WITH THE POIGNANT QUESTION OF WHETHER OR NOT THERE WERE LISTENING DEVICES IN THE WHITE HOUSE, TO WHICH THE ANSWER WAS AFFIRMATIVE. Upon hearing that there were, in fact, listening devices in the White House, Senate committee members nearly blew their load, and the tapes were quickly subpoenaed. Nixon immediately enacted Dick Cheney's “what happens in the White House stays in the White House” executive privilege. But investigators wanted the truth, even if they couldn't handle it. The issues of the tapes went all the way to the United States Supreme Court.

  In a surprising and disappointing ruling for fans of partisan politics, the Supreme Court justices ruled unanimously that Nixon had to surrender the tapes. The released tapes covered Nixon and one of his aides planning a cover-up of the break-in, and having the CIA falsely claim that national security was at stake. Once the contents were revealed, ego boosting impeachment proceedings began. With the tapes released and the damage done, any allies Nixon had left had to admit the obvious: the Dick was crooked. President Nixon resigned ten days later.

  Pardon Me?

  Nixon's resignation catapulted Gerald Ford from the vice presidency to the commander in chief. As one of his first acts of duty for his country, President Gerald Ford granted Nixon a full and unconditional pardon for any crimes he may have committed while president. It was for all of his manipulation of the situation and attempts to escape blame, and not his ability to tie his unit in a knot, that earned Nixon the nearly enviable nickname of “Tricky Dick.”

  1979 THREE MILE ISLAND

  Off the consideration list for tourists

  A Really, Really Exclusive Destination

  Lacking the sandy beaches and sunshine that bring vacationers to popular island destinations, the city council for Three Mile Island spent years debating various ways to attract tourism to their Pennsylvania island. Local officials made an offer to Wayne Newton, but to no avail. THEY WERE LET DOWN, TOO, WHEN BLUE MAN GROUP AND CéLINE DION CHOSE VEGAS OVER THEIR SECRET VACATION HIDEAWAY. Three Mile Island remained off the consideration list for street performers and island-loving tourists.

  It was the spring of 1968, and as tourism continued to fail to meet expectations, the local government decided the time had come to focus on a nontraditional approach. They decided to focus on adventure tourism. They wanted to provide a vacation destination where people could generally feel safe but at the same time know they were only a few minutes from certain death if something went unexpectedly wrong. It was decided that the easiest and most expensive way to accomplish this would be to build a full-time 24/7 nuclear reactor.

  Tourist Trap

  Three Mile Island quickly built a nuclear reactor on the banks of the Susquehanna River. This all-day every-day danger was popular among both full-time residents and island vacationers. LOCAL MERCHANTS SOLD SCORES OF THE POPULAR SOUVENIR, “I WENT TO THREE MILE ISLAND AND ALL I GOT WAS CANCER AND THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT.” The nuclear reactors on Three Mile Island accomplished exactly what they were intended to do. They filled the grid with much-needed electricity and the island's dilapidated Red Roof Inn with thrill-seeking tourists.

  Many nonbelievers criticized the concept, stating the danger was a hoax. Fortunately, the danger proved real when one of the two nuclear reactors suffered a meltdown on March 28, 1979, releasing dangerous radioactive material into the island's atmosphere. The 25,000 people living within five miles of the reactor found themselves in imminent danger, and pregnant woman were told to flee as quickly as possible to avoid birthing babies the size of sea cows.

  Death Count

  With the aggressive reporting of the alphabet networks and Geraldo Rivera filing reports from inside the breached reactor, Americans were anxious to find out what the final death count was for America's first nuclear accident.

  After careful consideration, it was determined that no lives were lost in this accident. And although one of the two reactors was permanently shut down, adventure-loving vacationers were still able to make the trip to Three Mile Island, now exposing themselves to less than almost certain death.

  1981–1989 RONALD REAGAN'S PRESIDENCY

  Hollywood's own favorite Republican

  Reading for a Role as President

  With President Jimmy Carter giving the country economy-busting double-digit interest rates, cripplingly high inflation, and a slate of failed policies, America was thirsty for change during the former peanut farmer's re-election campaign of 1980. Challenging Carter and his lack of success was Hollywood's own favorite Republican, Ronald Reagan.

  Reagan gathered his domestic and foreign policy experience on the sets of movies like This Is the Army and Bedtime for Bonzo, and to a lesser extent, as a two-term governor in the state of California. Even without Austrian-born bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger's trademark grunts (now a big part of today's California governor's office), Reagan was widely viewed as the great communicator. Playing to win and not just to place, Reagan selected Texas businessman and Republican Party Primary loser George H. W. Bush to be his running mate. Because of the U.S. state of affairs at the time, plus a home-field advantage in two of the largest states, the Reagan-Bush ti
cket easily took the election.

  Jodie Foster Drove Me Crazy

  Reagan took office in January 1981, with his wife, Nancy, and her “just say no to drugs” mantra by his side. Sixty-nine days after taking office and becoming the desire of aging widows across the country, Reagan was shot outside the Washington Hilton following a speaking engagement. IMMEDIATE SPECULATION WAS THAT IT MIGHT BE THE BITTER AND JEALOUS ACTOR MICHAEL LANDON FROM LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE WHO HAD PULLED THE TRIGGER. However, within seconds of the shots being fired, the pride of Texas, John Warnock Hinckley Jr., was found holding the .22 caliber gun used in the assassination attempt. Hinckley's reason for the assault: he wanted to gain the attention of Jodie Foster, whom he saw in the movie Taxi Driver. Unfortunately for Hinckley, Foster didn't like men the way Sharon Stone likes men; she liked men the way a sister is supposed to like her brother. Foster's personal top ten list of most desirable was full of people who peed sitting down.

  Even with a bullet from a mentally ill drifter in his lung, Reagan managed to keep the sense of humor that had endeared him to the American public intact. Reportedly while on a gurney, with the bullet still inside him, he asked the young nurse who held his hand “Does Nancy know about us?” And as he went into surgery to have the bullet removed, he gamely told the surgeon, “I hope you are a Republican.”

  Two Terms for the Gipper

  Following his recovery from his assassination attempt, Reagan completed his two-term presidency, opposing Communism at every turn and often referring to the Soviet Union as the Evil Empire. He endeared himself to the very wealthy by cutting their taxes in support of his trickle-down economic plan. He rebuilt our military while advocating for peace through strength. Sadly, President Reagan lost his fight against Alzheimer's on June 5, 2004.

  1991 THE GULF WAR — OPERATION DESERT STORM

  The presidential handbook on dealing with tyrannical leaders

  Saddam Goes on the Offensive

  Using an outdated Islamic decision matrix that showed leaders of the not-so-free Arab world when it was acceptable to trade oil for virgins, Iraqi president and deflowerer Saddam Hussein ordered his military to overrun the oil-rich but nearly defenseless nation of Kuwait. Since Kuwait was part of the Ottoman Empire up until 1899, which at the time was controlled by Iraq, it was obvious that ninety years later Hussein was justified in his reacquisition of the neighboring country. Best of all was that because Hussein could demonstrate that Kuwait had Iraqi heritage, all of the oil pumped out of Kuwait was subject to virgin trading.

  Hussein was looking for something fresh, hoping to use a portion of his new trading commodity to score a fistful of virgins of the Western variety. For weeks he had been enjoying sleepless nights, with thoughts of a blonde American-made bombshell from Arizona being first up, even if he had to overpay.

  Despite Hussein's obvious right to take over Kuwait for his own sexual self-interest, the world community was irate. Pleading on behalf of virgins worldwide, the famous and former American virgin Britney Spears, who later explained that “Justin may have touched me but he was never in me,” begged for a coordinated global response to remove Saddam from Kuwait, thus protecting the virginity of scores of young women worldwide. UNDER PRESSURE FROM RECORD EXECUTIVES WHO FEARED THAT TOO MUCH PUBLIC SPEAKING WOULD EXPOSE BRITNEY'S SUBPAR IQ, THE UNITED NATIONS, AT THE URGING OF THE UNITED STATES, BEGAN TO DISCUSS THE NEED TO LIBERATE THE COUNTRY OF KUWAIT.

  Good in This Life and the Next

  After calculating that with Kuwait's oil combined with Iraq's oil he could trade for more virgins than his appetite could satisfy, Hussein set up a secondary market for virgin trading as he approached the leaders of martyr-rich countries. As part of the religious tradition, Islamic suicide bombers are guaranteed a healthy helping of seventy-two virgins when they enter heaven for their deadly act.

  Seeing a supply and demand match, Hussein ordered that the oil being pumped from Kuwaiti oil fields be increased dramatically and immediately. This closely controlled secondary market, along with the fear that Hussein might order his military to parade right through Kuwait and on into Saudi Arabia, giving him control of approximately 40 percent of the world's known oil reserves, inspired global action.

  You Need a Signed Permission Slip

  Hearing from others that this scenario could be devastating to the American economy, Bush consulted the presidential handbook on dealing with tyrannical leaders in oil-rich countries. Acting on the advice from this little-known handbook, Bush decided to go on the attack. Unfortunately for Bush, in a world of instant gratification, he could not attack Iraq without approval from either the United Nations or the United States Congress. Anxious, Bush impatiently launched Operation Desert Shield, selling it as a mission to protect freedom and liberty as instructed by the handbook. The reality was he wanted troops in place to act swiftly and aggressively once he inevitably received permission from the United Nations to go on the offensive.

  During the process of obtaining U.N. approval, the United States put together an impressive coalition that included thirty-nine other countries, most of which ignored martyrdom for sexual gain. Coalition forces gave Hussein a January 15, 1991, deadline to remove all of his encroaching forces from sovereign Kuwaiti soil, which in turn would settle down the oil-for-virgin marketplace. As January 15 came and went with no Iraqi cooperation, the conflict began two days later on January 17, 1991.

  Allied forces included but were not limited to Australia, Afghanistan, Argentina, Canada, Czechoslovakia, Denmark, Egypt, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Saudi Arabia, South Korea, Spain, Syria, and the United Kingdom. Rumor has it Niger and Oman were listed on the roster of allied forces, too; however, it is now believed that it may have been a clerical error as White House officials continue to try and prove their existence.

  At 3:00 a.m., under the cover of darkness, coalition forces began an all-out air assault on Iraqi forces and their military instillations. U.S. jets and more U.S. jets and more U.S. jets, along with the occasional British jet, relentlessly pounded strategic Iraqi targets. Huddled around satellite imagery, commander of the allied forces General Norman Schwarzkopf enjoyed the bright lights and fires that were beamed back to command center. Not easily bored, Schwarz-kopf ordered thirty-eight consecutive days of the nearly nonstop air assault. Unable to defend itself from the aerial festivities, the Iraqi military attempted to widen the war by launching unreliable Soviet-engineered Scud missiles into Saudi Arabia and the unpopular nation of Israel.

  Hussein believed most Arab nations had been looking for another reason to re-engage military hostilities with the all-but-ostracized Israelis, and if they fired back, Hussein's Muslim brothers would be forced to have his back and abandoned their support of the coalition. Much to the surprise of everyone, the Israelis grinned and bore it, refraining from retaliating and thus keeping the coalition intact and the pressure on Iraq.

  You Don't Have to Go Home, But Get the Hell Out of Here

  On February 24, 1991, Schwarzkopf 's boredom meter sounded, and he sent ground troops into Iraq. Demoralized by the constant bombings from the air over the last two and a half months, tens of thousands of Iraqi soldiers eagerly surrendered. AS THE WHITE FLAGS CAME OUT, HUSSEIN ORDERED HIS TROOPS TO PACK UP THEIR SHIT AND GET THE HELL OUT OF KUWAIT. With the remaining Iraqi soldiers happy to be alive and leaving Kuwait, one at a time in single file, coalition forces ended efforts exactly 100 hours after the ground attack began.

  As Kuwait was returned to the Kuwaitis and Hussein's attempt to enlarge the oil-for-virgins marketplace beyond its capacity was thwarted, Britney Spears announced that out of fear for Hussein's plan, she had gone ahead and gave Justin her virginity, effectively taking her off of Hussein's radar. BY ALL ACCOUNTS, THE NIGHT WAS MAGICAL, INSPIRING HER TO SING SOMEONE ELSE'S LYRICS TO HER HIT SONG “HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME.”

  1995 OKLAHOMA CITY BOMBING

  Hiding behind their radical beliefs

  Timmy & Terry: Army Surplus Terrorists

 
Born without fanfare on April 23, 1968, Timothy McVeigh entered the world like all white males do, with considerable advantages over women and minorities. He parlayed these advantages into a relatively distinguished yet short military career in the U.S. Army from 1988 until 1991. Highlighting his service was his tour of duty during the Gulf War. During his days of basic training, Timothy met up with another white male who was born under the paparazzi radar, Terry Nichols. Nichols was an unsuccessful husband whose second marriage was to a mail-order bride seeking a green card. Despite Nichols' issues within his own household, he proved, unfortunately, to be a capable wingman in domestic terrorism.

  Did You Say Waco or Wacko?

  The domestic terrorism tandem of Tim and Terry claimed that the government's handling of the Branch Davidian situation at Waco warranted a response. Hiding behind their radical beliefs in their version of God and the Second Amendment, the BDs stockpiled a large amount of weapons at their religious compound. After being tipped off by a UPS driver turned honorable and responsible crime stopper, Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agents paid a visit to the organization's facility near Waco, Texas. With the welcome mat rolled up, a fifty-one day standoff ensued. The conflict ended when seventy-six followers of the Branch Davidians died inside the compound from a self-inflicted fire set by the weapon stockpilers themselves. For Tim and Terry, the government was to blame.