Five Feet or Less

by Erik Schubach

  Chapter 9 – Crumbling

  Then next day... Sunday afternoon, after arriving home from having a blast with Sarah, it all changed.

  My good mood dissipated quickly as I reached the top of the stairs after returning from lunch with Sarah. I could hear the girls arguing through the front door. I couldn't quite make out the words but they seemed angrier than ever. Marcie's voice had a hard edge to it.

  Just as I swung the door open I caught the last word she was yelling, “...cripple!!!”

  I was stunned, I just sat in the open doorway. Then Gwen was screaming at her, “Don't you EVER call her that! I want you out! Just get the hell out of this apartment and never came back!”

  Marcie shouted, “Fine! I'm sick of it all anyway! I hope you and your little pet lezzie are happy together!” She came storming out of their room, her face was red and she grabbed her purse from the counter and froze when she saw me. All the color drained from her face.

  I was still just sitting there staring at her dumbly as she started moving to the door again. She stood right next to me, neither of us looking at the other. She spoke in a hoarse voice, “I'm sorry, Wheels. I didn't mean any of that. It isn't you that I'm mad at. Just know, I really do love you as one of my closest friends. I'll be back tomorrow for my things.” She kissed my cheek and she was out the door stomping down the stairs, leaving me sitting there, still in shock. What the hell just happened!?

  Gwen came stomping out of her room and stopped dead when she saw me in the doorway. She nervously asked, “How much did you hear? It isn't what you think, Wheels.”

  I finally moved inside and shut the door quietly behind me. I put my purse and keys on the counter and wheeled up in front of her. I looked at the floor trying to pick one of the multitude of questions spinning around in a chaotic tangle in my head. I finally looked up at her. “She called me a cripple and you kicked her out. What the hell is going on, Gwen? Does this have to do with why Marcie has been mad at me these past few months? Why are you two always arguing? What is she sick of?”

  She shook her head. “It's nothing. She's mad at me and was taking it out on you. She's just sick of my bitchiness. But that's who I am, too late to change now.”

  She changed the topic. “You hungry? How bout we have pizza delivered, I'm not in the mood to cook.”

  I looked back at the door. “Is she... did you really kick her out? She's not coming back?”

  She shrugged. “I don't know. How about that pizza?”

  I didn't want to push, I knew if I did we'd probably wind up arguing too so I just nodded then wheeled over to the couch. Wasn't I just happy like five minutes ago? I missed Sarah already. I transferred over and Gwen was there on the phone, pulling my legs over her lap as I switched the TV on.

  When she was done ordering she grabbed the remote from me and cued up Jennifer's Body for us to watch. She glanced over. “I know how much you like Megan Fox in it.” She said that awful strangely.

  I pulled out my iPad and made a show of typing in a search for “exorcism”. She looked at the screen then tilted her head and narrowed her eyes in question. I couldn't stop the little laugh from escaping my lips. “You're just being all nice to me. It is kind of freaking me out... I thought you might be possessed.”

  She chuckled. “You're awfully playful these last few weeks. Just shut up and watch the damn movie or I won't give you any pizza, Wheels.”

  I grinned and turned to the TV and chuckled. “Ah. There's the old bitchy Gwen. Much better.”

  She slapped my arm but I could see in my peripheral that she was smiling. I thought about Sarah. I thought about what had happened, I thought about Marcie. Did Marcie really mean it when she said I was one of her closest friends? Well I guess that makes sense since in a dysfunctional family way, I feel the same about her and Gwen. I hope she really doesn't leave. What a complicated day.

  When the pizza arrived, Gwen jumped up and I almost laughed when she pulled out my debit card from my purse to pay the delivery guy. She brought the pizza, a beer, and a grape juice over, draped my legs on her, and we munched as we watched. She was tracing little random patterns on my legs with her fingers as we watched. You know, it is times like this that I really miss how we used to be as kids, the best of friends. I hate that it ever changed. I still have no clue why it did.

  I squirmed around in my seat when Megan Fox's character started making out with Amanda Seyfried's character. I was feeling a little flush and my breathing deepened a little. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I'm always a little aroused after watching that scene. Usually in the privacy of my own room where I could do something about it. I just appreciated how well they could act the scene out... right? Good actresses. I mean, I never have that reaction watching other love scenes.

  I glanced over at Gwen, she was half watching me and half watching the movie with a silly smirk on her face.

  I don't know when it happened but I had fallen asleep on the couch. When I woke up, I heard the shower going and sunlight streaming in the window. There was a blanket over me and a pillow under my head. There's that freaky mothering she's started again. I needed to ask her about that.

  I wonder what Sarah is up to. OK, that was a random thought.

  I moved myself into my chair and set about cleaning the pizza carnage from last night. I was washing the dishes and chuckling at the various text messages Sarah had sent me last night and this morning while I slept, when Gwen came out looking hot as always. “I'm off to see... Mark, I'll be back around three, Wheels.” She grabbed her purse and keys and was out the door.

  After I was cleaned up, changed and ready for the day there was a light knocking at the door. I wheeled over and opened it and Marcie was standing there looking nervous with a couple large empty boxes in her hands. “Is it OK... If I come in... get my things? Gwen isn't here is she?”

  I shook my head and grabbed her arm and dragged her in. “This is your home, Marce. Of course you can come in. It was just a fight. Don't take her seriously.”

  She was shaking her head as she made her way to their bedroom, I followed along as she spoke. “No. I have to. Please know that it isn't you. I just can't... do this any more. I've tried to be good enough for her for too long. To be like her, to be her friend. But her weird obsession with you will never let me in.”

  I stopped by her bed in confusion as she started putting her stuff into the boxes. I looked at her, “Come on, Marce. You've gotta stay. I have known you and Gwen most of my life. You are the only two who have always been here.” I choked a whispered out, “Everyone else leaves.”

  I straightened up in my chair and spoke earnestly, “We can work it all out. I don't know what you are talking about with the weird obsession. But things can go back to how they were.”

  She stopped and leaned down so we were face to face. She had a sad faraway look in her eyes, I had never seen that in her before. “No. Listen Reese...” She paused. The fact that that was the first time she had used my real name in nine years was not lost on me. She continued hesitantly. “I'm probably as much to blame for this situation as she is.”

  She sat on the bed and clasped her hands in her lap and looked down at them. “You've know Gwen longer than me. You were already friends when my family moved to Seattle. None of the kids spoke to me in the first grade because I was the new girl. But a couple days later at lunch I was sitting at a far back table and Gwen came up and sat down with me. She smiled and said, 'Hi I'm Gwen. You look sad,' and she handed me her chocolate milk. I had made my first friend. Then you came along a couple minutes later and sat down with us.”

  She took a deep breath. “I was jealous. My new friend spoke more to you than me. I tagged along every chance I got. You were the sweetest little girl but I didn't like you because you monopolized my friend. I was a stupid little girl. You offered your friendship to me every day without reservation but I wanted to be the first one Gwen said hi to. Wanted you to be the tag-a-long friend. I wanted to be just like her.”

/>   She chuckled and before I could speak, she continued. “Guess I've always been sort of a bitch.” She shook her head and continued, “I don't know how much you can remember from back then, but Gwen was kind of like our ring leader. Popular with everyone.”

  She looked at me. “Then something happened. Puberty happened. Specifically to you first. You were developing faster than both of us. Your popularity was growing in leaps and bounds. Gwen was starting to get jealous that you were getting more attention than her... and I used that.” Her voice caught a bit. “I started pouring on the mean. Gwen joined in. Suddenly I was her number one and we were picking on you all the time. More than ever I tried to be like her so that she'd never want you back. I'm so sorry Reese.”

  She looked at me with watery eyes. “I saw we were hurting you and I was glad, Gwen was my friend, not yours. How could I be so self absorbed and... evil? But something happened. I think Gwen was missing you, and I think I was too in my own warped way. She wanted to get you back. So she offered an olive branch. She invited you to her thirteenth birthday that summer.”

  A tear escaped her eye and made its way slowly down here cheek as I tried to absorb everything she was saying... that is why we weren't friends any more? That's why they are so mean to me? I was boiling in emotions and couldn't have picked out a single one if you asked.

  She took another deep breath and glanced nervously at me. “You never showed up and she was pissed. She thought for sure you never really were her friend. Her anger simmered all summer. It wasn't until school started again that we found out the real reason you didn't come. When you wheeled into the school. She saw the fear in your face and how appalled you were as people treated you differently.”

  She shook her head. “She cried every night for a week at my place after school. I didn't understand but she kept being mean to you at school, calling you that horrible name... Wheels. I still don't get it. But I always follow her lead. But she was different. She was mean to everyone after that. So I followed suit. She got more and more popular and we joined the pep squads. You faded back and withdrew farther and farther. This just made Gwen meaner and meaner to you.”

  She looked at the ceiling. “Then she found out your secret.”

  I looked at her in confusion. What secret? Marcie continued, “She was being her bitchy self to you and tried to get you to do her homework. You quietly said 'No,' looking at the ground like you always did after the accident. She pulled your face up to look into her eyes and smiled and prompted you with 'Wheels?'.”

  She smiled slightly, “The blush on your face could have been seen from space as you started chewing on your lower lip. She was turning you on. We had no clue you were gay! She used that every chance she got. I don't think Gwen or I ever did our own homework after that all the way to graduation.”

  I was shaking my head and interrupted. “I'm not gay.” It even sounded like a lie to me. Am I?

  Her eyes softened. “You know, I believe you really think that... let's look at that a second. One, you'll do anything for Gwen if she smiles at you. Two, you are worse than a man with your movie collection. I don't think there is a single movie you own that doesn't have scantily clad women or overly-sexy actresses in them. The male actors never interest you. Three, you NEVER go anywhere without Gwen or I unless it is to get supplies or work related. You don't leave this apartment for anything else... period. Yet now a sexy punk rocker girl suddenly appears and you are running off all over with her with a dreamy smile on your face. You are smiling RIGHT NOW as I speak of her. Quick without thinking, who is sexier Hugh Grant or Oliva Wilde?”

  Instantly I thought of Olivia Wilde's fantastic eyes, and her lips! My mouth just hung open. She laid a hand on my shoulder. “Reese, you're gay.”

  I blinked. I'm gay? I went over her points. But, doesn't everyone like to look at the actresses, especially the tight leather and spandex outfits in the superhero movies, the way they show off every curve and.... shit. I'm gay. Does everyone know? Its not a bad thing is it? Is it a good thing? Why didn't I see this stuff? I must really be more broken than I thought. My imaginary therapist is going to charge me double for this one.

  She chuckled a little. “Oh, I'm sorry. You really didn't know...” Then she stood and kept packing and looked back. “Gwen confused the hell out of me in school. I was actually starting to feel really bad the way we treated you and was ready to bury the hatchet, but she insisted we keep being bitchy to you, but that sort of bled through, I'm sure we really are bitches now. I still don't know why, as I said. But then she would protect the hell out of you when you weren't around. She put the hammer down on a few people who had teased you. She found out about the cruel prank that Mitch and Kimberly played on you one year. She beat the hell out of Kimberly in the locker room. I couldn't pull her off as she was wailing on her. It took three of us to get Gwen off of her. Kimberly's face was a bloody mess. I was seriously afraid she was going to kill her.”

  She moved to the closet and started folding her clothes and placing them in the second box. “When we were graduating, she insisted we ask you to move in with us. She wasn't making any sense to me. She kept babbling stuff about stability and that things had to stay the same for you and that she owed you. I really thought she had lost it.”

  She paused a second. “I was kind of happy when we all moved here. I didn't dislike you for stealing my friend anymore. I was actually amazed at how strong you had become. We could finally start treating you like a friend again. It was odd that Gwen and my attitudes had swapped by that time. But she insisted that we do not change our treatment of you. Always mumbling about stability. I followed blindly.”

  I was still reeling with all the information she was sharing. This is the most she had ever said to me. She suddenly looked mad. “But a few months back...”

  She stopped and started packing with greater intensity. I leaned into her peripheral vision. Did I want her to continue? She was scaring me now. I whispered hoarsely, “When you started hating me again. What happened?”

  She was quickly squatting in front of me at my eye level. “No! I don't hate you. I'm sorry if it came off that way. I've just been pissed at Gwen for what... she did.”

  Her eyes teared up again. “God. She's always wondering what you are thinking or what you are feeling but will never ask you... like she is sacred of you or something. One night she turned to me and said, 'You ever curious why Wheels likes women? Like, have you ever wanted to experiment?'. Believe me, neither Gwen or I are gay, but she convinced me to try it just once and we'd never talk about it again. She said she needed to understand you better.”

  Marce started crying. “I let her fuck me that night... It wasn't awful but wasn't as good as with a guy. I could tell from her reaction that it wasn't for her either. But right in the middle of it all... she... she called out your name and not mine.”

  I was shocked beyond belief. That was the one night I had witnessed. Marcie looked at me again. “I... I just couldn't keep up this charade any more. I wanted out. She had used me as your substitute. I think she was trying to see if she could be with you. I couldn't keep being mean to you. I think part of me has turned bad for good, rotted away. I'm sacred I won't be able to find my way back. But she still wouldn't let me. But now... I think I want my own life Reese. I love you like a sister, but I can't play Gwen's sick games anymore.”

  She left the room with her belongings and I was still sitting there in their bedroom in shock as I heard Marcie leave the apartment and my life. Everyone leaves. My world was crumbling down around me. Nothing made sense to me anymore. I had so many emotions slamming into me, threatening to crack my sanity. I cried back on the ferry that day... why can't I cry now. I know I wanted to, but I couldn't let myself break again. I deserve anything I get. It was all my fault.

  My imaginary therapist would have to bring in a team of shrinks now to sort through my confusion.

  I wheeled into the kitchen and reached for my purse. I grabbed the wrinkled, old green envelop
e out of it and looked at the dried blood on it. None of this would have happened if I hadn't got mom killed. We would have fixed everything, it would have all gone back to normal, like it was before.

  I put the envelope back into my purse. Then went to my room. I sat there for hours replaying the conversation in my head. I heard Gwen return and close her bedroom door. I took a deep breath and wheeled out. I knocked. She cracked the door, she was crying. I opened my mouth. Not knowing what to say. Finally I squeaked out, “Why?” And she closed the door, I heard it lock. I sat there for around ten minutes just staring at the door.

  Then all my devices all started ringing. I wheeled over to my desk and put on my earpiece and froze when I saw who was calling. Sarah! I could feel some anxiety bleeding away. Sarah can make it all better. I tried to sound normal but my voice cracked. “Hello?”

  She was silent for a couple seconds then she spoke in a strained voice. “Gwen was just over...” She was silent again. God. I knew where this was heading, Gwen did it again... she's taking Sarah from me now... I threw my headset against the wall and watched it shatter.

  I was wheeling back and forth frantically. I had to get out of there. My devices started ringing again. I grabbed an iPad, my purse and keys, checking for the green envelope, and wheeled out of the apartment. I had to get away. Far away. I turned off the incessant ringing of my iPad by simply turning off my wireless hotspot.

  My life was over. I got into Bessie and just started driving. I didn't care where I was going, I just drove. About an hour later I found myself at a park near Olympia, in a lot overlooking Puget Sound. I edged the van forward and gunned the engine over and over with my hand on the gearshift. It would be so easy.

  Just pop it into drive and floor it. It would all be over. I wouldn't have to... feel anymore. I moved the gearshift slowly into drive and took several deep breaths almost hyperventilating. I slammed Bessie back into park and killed the engine and just started screaming and punching the roof and the steering wheel. I'm such a coward!